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djinn_n_juice's review
3.0
(Cue Star Wars theme. This paragraph scrolls up the screen in yellow letters.
A nuclear accident creates a new breed
of gigantic, evil crabs, who like feasting
upon the flesh of mankind. Their shells
are nearly indestructible, with the heaviest
of artillery simply denting their bone shells.
The King Crab, even bigger than the other
very big crabs, is leading his army onto
the beach of...oh, some place. It doesn't
really matter, does it? They're giant crabs,
and the full moon is approaching...the time
to feed is nigh....
(Scene 1: By the beach, Eh! stands guard before the gate to Karen's castle.)
Esteban: Who's there?
Eh!: Nay, answer me: stand and unfold yourself!
Esteban: Long live the king!
Eh!: Esteban?
Esteban: He.
Eh!: You come most carefully upon the hour.
Esteban: Yeah, I know. I'm pretty fucking awesome. 'Tis now struck twelve; get thee to bed, Eh!.
Eh!:
Well, good night.
If you do meet Michael and Caris,
The rivals of my watch, bid them make haste.
Esteban: I think I hear them. Stand, you hos! Who's there?
Giant Crab: RAAAAAWWWWWRRRR!!!!
Eh!: Holy Eff! It's a giant effing crab!! And it's roaring at us!!!
(Giant Effing Crab rushes them, moving surprisingly fast. With a single blow, Estaban falls.)
Esteban: Forsooth! I am slewed!
Eh!: The word is slain, you dumb-eh! I suppose I'd better use my ninja teleport skills to--
(Crab snips Eh!'s body into two sections. She successfully teleports the upper half of her body back into the castle. Meanwhile, the crab devours her legs, then returns to Esteban's carcass, taking a couple of bites before deciding it's tainted.)
Scene 2:
(Safely inside of the castle. Karen is sitting upon the American Goodreads throne, and Caris is standing by her. The two look already immersed in conversation as the upper half of Eh!'s body teleports in.)
Caris: Douche douche douche, douche douche douche douche!
Karen: i know, right? that's totally true!
Caris: Douche douche?
Karen: you think so?.....oh, hi, eh!
Eh!: Queen Karen, unfortunately, it seems we have a crab infestation!
Karen: that's what she said.
Caris: Haha! Douche douche douche!
Eh!: Why aren't you at your post, Caris?
Caris:.....uhhh......douche.
Karen: off with his head!
Caris: Fuck.
(Eh! springs from the ground and karate chops Caris's head off.)
Karen: it's too bad. he finally mastered another word.
Meanwhile, in the dark recesses of the jungle around the castle, a dead quiet had settled over the bleak darkness, jet black as dark as a murder of crows. The only light was from the dim headlights of a 2004 Ford Taurus, the windshield wipers turned off despite the fact that it was a dark and stormy night. Rain cascaded down the windshield rapidly. Inside, Ceridwen and Sock Puppet were emitting bad dialogue.
Ceridwen questioned, "C'mon, baby, if you really loved me, you wouldn't be so shy."
Sock Puppet adamantly responded, "This is only our sixth date. I don't want you to rush me into anything I'm not ready for. I've only known you for a week and a half, Ceridwen."
Ceridwen exclaimed animatedly, "We aren't even near first base yet! I like holding your hand, but I really think it's time we kissed!"
Sock Puppet begrudgingly said, "Well, because I truly love you, I suppose we could go a little farther. You can kiss me."
Ceridwen smiled. "Sweet," she said, leaning across the seat towards Sock Puppet.
"...On the cheek," Sock Puppet aloofly continued.
Ceridwen contimplated thoughtfully for a moment. Then, suddenly, she leaned in. "Fine, I'll take it," she said, kissing Sock Puppet on his cheek.
Sock Puppet blushed. "See? Now, wasn't that pleasant?"
Ceridwen slid her arm around Sock Puppet momentarily, before he swatted her arm aside like she'd attempted to put her arm around him. "Hey!" he angrily spake, "Don't try to rush me!"
"But, baby! It's just my arm going around your shoulders!"
"Ceridwen, don't be a pervert, and don't rush me."
Suddenly, a giant crab arrived and ate the car.
DAY 2
As the sun was rising, Michael was standing thoughtfully on the beach, wind blowing his hair playfully. His eyes contemplated the text of the book that he held in his hand, his other hand halfway in his pocket. Totally still, his eyes remained on the text. The absence of movement stretched forward in time for several moments, when suddenly there was a flash.
"That should do it," Michael said. He tossed the book he was reading, Trailer Park Tramps, onto the ground before walking over and looking at the picture. "How the fuck do I manage to blink so much? That's the third picture in a row where my eyes were closed."
The sun was continuing to set further, so he picked up the tripod and turned it, moving a little closer to the shoreline. Out in the water, he thought he saw large, red boulders out in the water.
"I wonder why those would be there," Michael said to himself, wind blowing his hair sexily. "Well, I'd better get this picture of me reading by the waterside taken quickly, before it gets too dark."
Turning his back to the watery ocean, Michael again flipped open Trailer Park Tramps to a random page. He began reading the novel and chuckled to himself at the stupidity of the characters, the unbelievability of the plot, at the awkward sentences that seemed to be written by someone with little understanding of the language. Then, the camera flashed again, taking the last picture of Michael ever seen. Two days later, when the camera was found undamaged yet bloody by Elizabeth, she turned it on to see the final picture: Michael standing gallantly on the shore, wind blowing his suit jacket and his hair, a book in his hand as the sun set behind him, and a gigantic crab emerging from the waters.
And he was blinking, of course.
DAY 4: WAR WITH THE CRABS*
Brian stood in Karen's throne room, his scientist getup on, to make sure everyone knew he was the scientist. "I tell you!" he told them, "There's only one way to get rid of these crabs!"
"that's what she said," Karen said, sitting on her throne with a book open.
"Bombs won't destroy them. Bullets can't pierce them. Sticks and stones won't break their bones. And they're virtually impossible to offend. No, what we need is that one thing, the only thing that can defeat them."
"what is it?" Karen said.
"A deus ex machina."
Karen was kicking her feet, because the throne was slightly oversized. "eh!"
The remaining half of Eh! looked slightly confused. "Were you saying my name, or just going "Eh!"?" She inquired curiously.
"i was saying your name. could you go get a deus ex machina?"
"Why should I do it? I don't have any--"
"off with her--"
"I'm going," Eh! frightenedly stated. Eh! toddled out of the chamber. She returned roughly five minutes later with a deus ex machina.
"Here it is, still in mint condition."
"awesome," Karen said. "let's get rid of these crabs once and for all!"
SCENE FINALE
The crabs were defeated and all the people lived happily ever after. Except for the ones who had been slaughtered by the crabs before the angels came down with their axes made out of divine light and hacked those evil fuckers to bits.
FIN.
*: You may say it's inconsistent to give a name to one of the days and none of the others. You would be right.
A nuclear accident creates a new breed
of gigantic, evil crabs, who like feasting
upon the flesh of mankind. Their shells
are nearly indestructible, with the heaviest
of artillery simply denting their bone shells.
The King Crab, even bigger than the other
very big crabs, is leading his army onto
the beach of...oh, some place. It doesn't
really matter, does it? They're giant crabs,
and the full moon is approaching...the time
to feed is nigh....
(Scene 1: By the beach, Eh! stands guard before the gate to Karen's castle.)
Esteban: Who's there?
Eh!: Nay, answer me: stand and unfold yourself!
Esteban: Long live the king!
Eh!: Esteban?
Esteban: He.
Eh!: You come most carefully upon the hour.
Esteban: Yeah, I know. I'm pretty fucking awesome. 'Tis now struck twelve; get thee to bed, Eh!.
Eh!:
Well, good night.
If you do meet Michael and Caris,
The rivals of my watch, bid them make haste.
Esteban: I think I hear them. Stand, you hos! Who's there?
Giant Crab: RAAAAAWWWWWRRRR!!!!
Eh!: Holy Eff! It's a giant effing crab!! And it's roaring at us!!!
(Giant Effing Crab rushes them, moving surprisingly fast. With a single blow, Estaban falls.)
Esteban: Forsooth! I am slewed!
Eh!: The word is slain, you dumb-eh! I suppose I'd better use my ninja teleport skills to--
(Crab snips Eh!'s body into two sections. She successfully teleports the upper half of her body back into the castle. Meanwhile, the crab devours her legs, then returns to Esteban's carcass, taking a couple of bites before deciding it's tainted.)
Scene 2:
(Safely inside of the castle. Karen is sitting upon the American Goodreads throne, and Caris is standing by her. The two look already immersed in conversation as the upper half of Eh!'s body teleports in.)
Caris: Douche douche douche, douche douche douche douche!
Karen: i know, right? that's totally true!
Caris: Douche douche?
Karen: you think so?.....oh, hi, eh!
Eh!: Queen Karen, unfortunately, it seems we have a crab infestation!
Karen: that's what she said.
Caris: Haha! Douche douche douche!
Eh!: Why aren't you at your post, Caris?
Caris:.....uhhh......douche.
Karen: off with his head!
Caris: Fuck.
(Eh! springs from the ground and karate chops Caris's head off.)
Karen: it's too bad. he finally mastered another word.
Meanwhile, in the dark recesses of the jungle around the castle, a dead quiet had settled over the bleak darkness, jet black as dark as a murder of crows. The only light was from the dim headlights of a 2004 Ford Taurus, the windshield wipers turned off despite the fact that it was a dark and stormy night. Rain cascaded down the windshield rapidly. Inside, Ceridwen and Sock Puppet were emitting bad dialogue.
Ceridwen questioned, "C'mon, baby, if you really loved me, you wouldn't be so shy."
Sock Puppet adamantly responded, "This is only our sixth date. I don't want you to rush me into anything I'm not ready for. I've only known you for a week and a half, Ceridwen."
Ceridwen exclaimed animatedly, "We aren't even near first base yet! I like holding your hand, but I really think it's time we kissed!"
Sock Puppet begrudgingly said, "Well, because I truly love you, I suppose we could go a little farther. You can kiss me."
Ceridwen smiled. "Sweet," she said, leaning across the seat towards Sock Puppet.
"...On the cheek," Sock Puppet aloofly continued.
Ceridwen contimplated thoughtfully for a moment. Then, suddenly, she leaned in. "Fine, I'll take it," she said, kissing Sock Puppet on his cheek.
Sock Puppet blushed. "See? Now, wasn't that pleasant?"
Ceridwen slid her arm around Sock Puppet momentarily, before he swatted her arm aside like she'd attempted to put her arm around him. "Hey!" he angrily spake, "Don't try to rush me!"
"But, baby! It's just my arm going around your shoulders!"
"Ceridwen, don't be a pervert, and don't rush me."
Suddenly, a giant crab arrived and ate the car.
DAY 2
As the sun was rising, Michael was standing thoughtfully on the beach, wind blowing his hair playfully. His eyes contemplated the text of the book that he held in his hand, his other hand halfway in his pocket. Totally still, his eyes remained on the text. The absence of movement stretched forward in time for several moments, when suddenly there was a flash.
"That should do it," Michael said. He tossed the book he was reading, Trailer Park Tramps, onto the ground before walking over and looking at the picture. "How the fuck do I manage to blink so much? That's the third picture in a row where my eyes were closed."
The sun was continuing to set further, so he picked up the tripod and turned it, moving a little closer to the shoreline. Out in the water, he thought he saw large, red boulders out in the water.
"I wonder why those would be there," Michael said to himself, wind blowing his hair sexily. "Well, I'd better get this picture of me reading by the waterside taken quickly, before it gets too dark."
Turning his back to the watery ocean, Michael again flipped open Trailer Park Tramps to a random page. He began reading the novel and chuckled to himself at the stupidity of the characters, the unbelievability of the plot, at the awkward sentences that seemed to be written by someone with little understanding of the language. Then, the camera flashed again, taking the last picture of Michael ever seen. Two days later, when the camera was found undamaged yet bloody by Elizabeth, she turned it on to see the final picture: Michael standing gallantly on the shore, wind blowing his suit jacket and his hair, a book in his hand as the sun set behind him, and a gigantic crab emerging from the waters.
And he was blinking, of course.
DAY 4: WAR WITH THE CRABS*
Brian stood in Karen's throne room, his scientist getup on, to make sure everyone knew he was the scientist. "I tell you!" he told them, "There's only one way to get rid of these crabs!"
"that's what she said," Karen said, sitting on her throne with a book open.
"Bombs won't destroy them. Bullets can't pierce them. Sticks and stones won't break their bones. And they're virtually impossible to offend. No, what we need is that one thing, the only thing that can defeat them."
"what is it?" Karen said.
"A deus ex machina."
Karen was kicking her feet, because the throne was slightly oversized. "eh!"
The remaining half of Eh! looked slightly confused. "Were you saying my name, or just going "Eh!"?" She inquired curiously.
"i was saying your name. could you go get a deus ex machina?"
"Why should I do it? I don't have any--"
"off with her--"
"I'm going," Eh! frightenedly stated. Eh! toddled out of the chamber. She returned roughly five minutes later with a deus ex machina.
"Here it is, still in mint condition."
"awesome," Karen said. "let's get rid of these crabs once and for all!"
SCENE FINALE
The crabs were defeated and all the people lived happily ever after. Except for the ones who had been slaughtered by the crabs before the angels came down with their axes made out of divine light and hacked those evil fuckers to bits.
FIN.
*: You may say it's inconsistent to give a name to one of the days and none of the others. You would be right.
blatdriver's review
4.0
This is book 5 in the series, but this is set at the same time as the first book, and it's more of the same crab carnage, now on the the next one.
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