Reviews with content warning for Panic attacks/disorders - My Dark Vanessa

During the process of what happens to her and the experiences she endures and, at times, feels a participant in, Vanessa swallows fire, all the while building a cavern of ice within her self. She is haunted by the witness marks left by him. The ice keeps her absent from feeling, at a distant from processing… the ice leaves her feeling what she was taught to believe is the sensation of safety. And slowly, we see the ways Vanessa, now a architect, having served an apprenticeship under her abuser (‘I start to realise the point isn’t really whether I like the books; it’s more about him giving me different lenses to see myself through’- but the lenses were always his, not her construction), of her own withdrawal from self, might learn the route back to growth… back to self… back to seeing the her that was left waiting, yearning for a real safety, a real knowing and valuing of her own capacity to love and be loved.

This book is a complex portrayal of trauma, child sexual abuse, and it’s responses to it. We see how memory formation is so impacted and shaped by her abuser and how shame creeps into the scene of her own sexual identity, the subtlety of being told one is but a mirror to the other. It feels wrong to rate a book about such a controversial topic and an unflinchingly complicated depiction of grooming and coercion. Coercion is examined from the perspective of the subject of that treatment, a subject who cannot see herself so (‘There are things he needs to believe in order to live with himself, and it would be cruel for me to label these as lies’)… it feels wrong to rate a book about that so highly. It is controversial. It is triggering. It is really difficult to read. The words are unflinching but the read is a flinching one. While the story is not my own, Vanessa resonated with me and my experiences deeply. I could see elements of me in what was explored. And for that resonance alone, I think Russell deserves all the stars.

Projective identification is so stark within the dynamics and is captured at its very essence. The dependence feels heart wrenching. Our own guts twist and turn as we feel the stone of dread on behalf of Vanessa. I wanted to save her. And I realised that I have rarely held that desire for myself. Save myself.

There is a subtle depiction of transgenerational aspects of trauma and attachment style. We see how the pride in ‘knowing how to protect her, myself, everyone at once’ creates extreme vulnerability. What we prize as good principles to foster, can often be our downfall if held too rigidly. The interweaving of mum into the novel is just… it’s subtle, realistic, beautiful and unblaming. The novel does not hesitate to draw upon the treatment of trauma survivors more generally in our ‘informed’ society, where the responsibility to speak out is often too harshly placed at the feet of those who have endured. The morality tightrope of judgement in this arena is a fierce one and the absence of compassion, but the beginning of a bridge towards it, is captured by Russel. Words can be weapons and language so often, as observed by Vannessa in her reading of Titus Andronicus, can so often fail in the face of horror, violence and human-to-human harm, particularly when the harm is ‘hidden’ and internalised.

I am fearful that my own words here are not doing justice to the work that is this book. As I said, for the resonance in my personal psyche alone, Russell deserves all the stars.

Content Warnings

martzi's review against another edition

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dark emotional sad tense medium-paced

Plot- or character-driven? Character
Strong character development? It's complicated
Loveable characters? No
Diverse cast of characters? No
Flaws of characters a main focus? Yes

5.0

Content Warnings

kia_y_k's review against another edition

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challenging dark emotional reflective sad medium-paced

Plot- or character-driven? Character
Strong character development? It's complicated
Loveable characters? No
Diverse cast of characters? No
Flaws of characters a main focus? Yes

3.75

Content Warnings

snowypineapples's review against another edition

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dark reflective tense medium-paced

Plot- or character-driven? Character
Strong character development? It's complicated
Loveable characters? It's complicated
Diverse cast of characters? It's complicated
Flaws of characters a main focus? Yes

4.0

This was an incredibly disturbing book to read. I think it was really good as it went from the past to future and showed how the mans, Strane, grooming and abuse affected her mindset even into adulthood.

As the authour said "It should be difficult to read and it should even be difficult to talk about but I feel like as a culture we're at a moment where we're ready to lean into these questions"

I think it's an important conversation and I'm not sure how I wish it was different but it invokes these complicated feeling on purpose and therefore I have to say it's a book that accomplishes it's goals/is successful.

Content Warnings

schivakumaran's review against another edition

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dark sad tense medium-paced

Plot- or character-driven? Character
Strong character development? Yes
Loveable characters? Yes
Diverse cast of characters? No
Flaws of characters a main focus? Yes

5.0

This book is humbling. Its horrifying. I have literally no words to describe just how poinient this book. Its an important book. It shows the deep rooted effects abuse can have on you for years after even in you adulthood and how it can shape you as a person.

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