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25 reviews for:
The Child Whisperer: The Ultimate Handbook for Raising Happy, Successful, Cooperative Children
Carol Tuttle
3.55 AVERAGE
25 reviews for:
The Child Whisperer: The Ultimate Handbook for Raising Happy, Successful, Cooperative Children
Carol Tuttle
3.55 AVERAGE
Really pretty unbearable for me, so i didn’t read more than bits and pieces of it. This woman is not a scientist and hasn’t done any “research” that I would consider valid. It seriously just felt like she was making crap up. For example: I cannot possibly disagree more with the idea that physical characteristics determine the nature of a child, and where did she get the idea that it does...?! I am giving her two stars for at least saying some things I agreed with. And it can’t be ALL bad because so many of my friends like it. But it’s pretty bad.
Just not my thing. It was thought provoking though.
hopeful
informative
inspiring
lighthearted
reflective
relaxing
medium-paced
These modern parenting books could be made a lot shorter. They can all be summed up with this one phrase: “Give your child everything they want.”
I liked this one for categorizing kids into different types and tailoring specific advice to each type. But other than that, I didn’t like it, because the book encourages allowing kids to get away with too much. The author insists that she is not saying to let kids do whatever they want; you can say, “I hear you, but the answer is still no” (358). But the majority of her advice gives the opposite impression.
Most parenting books say you’re traumatizing your child if you punish them or put them in time out. This book says you’re wounding your child if you don’t see them for who they really are (9) or if you want your child to respect you and listen to you (10). The author thinks it’s wrong for anyone of any age to believe they “are not really good enough” the way they are (9). So no one should be forced to do anything or change themselves for the better at all. I guess if I have no flaws, then I don’t have to change my way of thinking at all, or the way I parent; I’m perfect the way I am! So what’s the point in reading this book if everything I’m doing is who I really am? People read books like to this to get tips on how to change, but the author is indirectly telling them not to change.
Near the end of the book, she says it’s good as a parent to hold yourself accountable and communicate your genuine desire to change for the better (386). “Guilt has value. It can be used as a mechanism to help us recognize the need for change” (387). But at the same time her entire book’s message is that children should not be made to change at all. She says we shouldn’t believe we are victims, because then we “attract situations that confirm that perspective” (394). But if kids are wounded every time an adult wants them to respect and listen to him (10), then she is saying every child is a victim. Encouraging kids to see themselves as victims who need to be coddled encourages them to spend their whole lives blaming other people for everything and not taking accountability for anything.
Trivia from IMBD.com: “‘Horse whispering’" is somewhat of a misnomer. Native Americans would sometimes tame a horse by jumping on its back and biting its ear to make it stop bucking (the pain would be worse if the rider's teeth were jerked by the horse's head). Some observers misunderstood what was happening and assumed the rider was whispering in the horse's ear to calm it.”
So even with horses, it takes pain to tame them.
“A two-year-old who imitates her mother isn’t trying to help because she was punished. She just chooses to help because she wants to” (15). Yes, but not everything we want kids to do is something they want to do. Even if we model the behavior we want to see, sometimes kids do not imitate it.
The author believes that “the purpose of parenting is to raise children true to their natures so they can grow up feeling honored, confident, and free to be themselves” (19). I agree that knowing one’s true nature is important, but it’s also important to accept that one cannot always be oneself. In a job, for example, you have to act polite and kind to people you may not like. You have to wear a uniform you may not like. You can’t say whatever you want and expect not to get fired. Obedience has its place in the world, and parents should be training their kids to function in the real world.
She gives an example of a shy four-year-old who won’t look at strangers. “These are some of the messages he might take from the demand to engage socially before he’s ready: ‘I need to please others to be loved. I need to change my nature to accommodate others. I need to do what others want me to do so they can be comfortable, even if it makes me uncomfortable’” (21). It doesn’t sound pleasant, but it’s true that adults have to do these things on a daily basis in order to stay employed and even to make friends. If a person speaks their honest opinion all the time with no filter and just acts however they want, not taking into account how other people feel about it, they will likely have no friends and no job.
“Follow what is right for you. You don’t have to do things that are not honoring of you” (91). So I suppose to the teen who says, “School is boring. I’m done with school. I’d rather play video games all day. I don’t want a job; I’m never going to work,” the author would say, “Let that child be who he is. He is being his true self.” It’s a rare person who can be happy as a homeless, cold, starving bum. Most bums will be depressed that they can’t have the comforts and security other people have. And it takes hard work to achieve those things.
The author says it’s bad to “need your child to be or look or act a certain way in order for you to feel like a good parent” (25). But these gentle parenting approaches are just another way of doing the same thing. Parents who take their advice want their kids to like them, they’re afraid of upsetting their kids, they feel guilty if their child cries, they feel like bad parents if they have to resort to spanking. Good parenting in the eyes of these parents is being a child’s best friend.
“Your child is not responsible to protect you from uncomfortable emotions” (25). Neither is the parent responsible to protect a child from uncomfortable emotions. The real world is full of uncomfortable emotions. A parent’s job is to prepare children for that, not shelter them from it.
“Reassure [kids] that they are not responsible for anyone’s feelings but their own” (103). That’s a sure way to create a sociopath or a narcissist. I think a child should be praised when they show empathy. But this author thinks the empathy is a hindrance to them being an innocent, carefree kid. “Reassure them frequently that their job is to be a child” (104). And when exactly is the child going to finally be encouraged to have responsibility and take other people into consideration? When they’re 18? And the author thinks it’s going to happen overnight like a light switch when the kid has been told for almost two decades to not worry about anything or anyone, just enjoy being a kid? By 18, the kid will be so spoiled with the easy selfish life, that they will resist responsibility and thinking about others before themself.
The author seems to imply that when your child wants to show you something, you need to stop what you’re doing immediately, no matter how important it is, to give your child attention. Otherwise you risk destroying the kid’s confidence and making her feel less important (26). Young kids naturally think they are the center of the universe and have no empathy for others. Catering to their every demand immediately merely keeps them thinking this way. Eventually these kids will run into people who do NOT immediately stop what they’re doing to make time for them (a teacher, a peer, a boss, etc.), and then the child will respond like a toddler throwing a tantrum because their parents protected them from feeling it and dealing with it when they were the appropriate age. Kids need to learn to deal with disappointment, they need to learn to be patient, they need to learn that other people have needs too.
“I recently heard a parent say she needed to ‘instill’ into her children the right values os they would grow to be good people. But to instill suggests that we have to ‘put into’ children something that is not already there. I believe children come with a blueprint, an inner design of who they really are” (31). Yeah, every human is born selfish and egocentric, some are just more extroverted or introverted than others. Kids don’t naturally have any moral values, unless you count when they say “mine!” or “that’s not fair!” Which is really just another expression of their selfishness.
The book gives bad discipline advice, like when your type 2 child whines, you should give them attention and ask how they’re feeling and how you can help them feel better (334). “You will teach your child that they can speak up to have their needs met” (334). What it teaches the child is that they should continue to whine, because it gets the parent to pay attention and give the kid what they want.
When your type 1 child throws a tantrum, “stop what you are doing and focus on creating a fun experience in that very moment” (338). When your type 3 throws a tantrum, ask them what they want to do and promise to make it happen soon (338). Following this advice encourages kids to throw more tantrums.
If kids “understand their true nature and feel supported, they can live true to it without rebelling against anything” (354). Yeah, if you give kids everything they want, they won’t ever have to rebel.
The author talks about different personality types, but insists that she’s not talking about personality, but something deeper: true nature and an energy profile (30-31).
Type 1: fun-loving child: social, bouncy, random, hyper, friendly, wants fun & happy parents (41), musical (61), loves newness (64), class clown (65), laughs and shrieks a lot (78), fun is their priority.
(I determined the equivalent Myers-Briggs classification would be ESFP, enneagram type 7.)
“I have met many Type 1 adults who were labeled hyperactive and ADHD only to find out they were just high movement, creative, brilliant children who were not given the chance to learn and move according to their natural gifts and tendencies. Type 1 children can learn to sit still, but demanding that they do so all day long actually hinders them in their ability to learn” (67).
*Element: nitrogen/air (43), wind (51).
*Strategies for compliance: praise (54), make things into a game (46), encourage child to express feelings before they become explosive (49), play with them (55), drawing activities/tasks out of a jar (65), breaks for exercise (68), don’t give them a lot of stuff to make messes out of (79), ask “how can we make this more fun” or “what are your ideas right now?” (82); motivate them with fun (317, 344).
*Discipline: “A long, solitary time-out for the Type 1 child feels like a day of torture” (333). Isn’t that the point? Because they love attention, IMO an effective punishment would be time out and a noneffective punishment would be embarrassment. Because they love fun, a good punishment would be to take away their fun stuff and/or make them do boring work. The point of discipline is not to torture the kid, but to deter the kid from doing the bad behavior in the future.
*Appearance: high, rounded forehead, round cheeks, small, turned up button nose, wide bright eyes, plump lips or fuller bottom lip, ears stick out or are pointy at the top, chubby hands (76-77).
*Recommended clothing: light, free, crisp fabric, youthful (403).
Type 2: sensitive child: emotional, thoughtful, gentle, kind, shy, wants to have feelings honored and everyone in the family to feel loved and connected (42), easy going as a baby (99), second-guessing (100), planner (102), empathetic (103), worrier (106), quiet (114), cautious (128), peaceful, like to weigh options (121), like lounging (137), dislike loud noises (307), comfort is their priority.
The author seems to be determined not to admit that any Type has any flaws, to the point of even denying that type 2 is shy (117). If type 2s are not shy, who is? Nobody?
(I determined the equivalent Myers-Briggs classification would be INFJ, enneagram type 9.)
*Element: oxygen/water (99).
*Strategies for compliance: inform your child of the day’s plans and ask for their input on plans (107), involve them in decision making (129), don’t yell (110), ask how they feel (112), be patient (114, 117), let them warm up to things/people (113, 117), ask them to help you make things look nice (121), praise them privately (129), give them a warning before their time is up (130), tell them that you’ll listen to them as soon as they use a normal tone instead of whining (141); motivate them with things that will make them comfortable.
*Discipline: This type is probably the most well behaved of the four, so gentle discipline could be effective. Try talking to them to get them to change their behavior, or appeal to their empathy.
*Appearance: sensitive skin, slight bump on nose bridge, low eyebrow arch, long graceful fingers, heavy drooping eyelids (136).
*Recommended clothing: soft, plush, cozy, muted colors, soft, subdued patterns (403).
The author seems to contradict herself by implying type 2s should be discouraged from being too empathetic, caring too much about parents’ problems and feelings (103, 104). If the type 2’s true self is empathetic, then isn’t this their gift, and shouldn’t it be nurtured, not squelched? I guess even the author thinks the true nature should not honored if it interferes with the kid being carefree!
Type 3: determined child: physical, active, determined, strong, energetic, pushy, loud, demanding, rambunctious, wants to be challenged and have new experiences with support of their parents (42), independent (161), like accomplishing things (163), extroverted (164), not motivated to impress others (167), impulsive (169), straight and to the point (177), likes wrestling not snuggling (181), like exploring (182); competitive (187), dislike routine (190), eats quickly, gets up from sleep quickly (308); main priorities are action, progress, and accomplishment.
(I determined the equivalent Myers-Briggs classification would be ESTP, enneagram type 8.)
*Element: hydrogen/fire (161).
*Strategies for compliance: let them make decisions (165), tell them you will be with them in a moment when they interrupt you (171), say “tell me what you needed to do to make that happen” (173), don’t comfort them for a long time when they get hurt (173), redirect rather than stop them from doing what they want (173), get down on their level and touch their shoulder when you want them to listen (174), praise their accomplishments (176), give them opportunities for exercise (177), be quiet and listen to them instead of yelling at them (179); when refusing a child’s request, keep it brief instead of giving an explanation (180), show them you love them with actions instead of words (181), say what you want instead of telling them what to do (181), give them positive attention when they act out (182, 224), give them a warning before their time is up (183), only make your child hurry for the really important things (183); give your kid big chores, not small tedious ones (184); give your child challenges instead of orders (how fast can you do it? Who can do it faster?) (184-185), explain the reasons behind the thing your child has little motivation to do (193), order them to use the potty instead of asking if they need to go (195), don’t allow them to have a cell phone while learning to drive (200); when the child is frustrated give them choices, redirect, or give them space; motivate them with competition and accomplishment.
*Discipline: This book actually admits spanking can be effective on this type! (339)
*Appearance: cleft chin, angular face, asymmetrical hairline, lines around smile and eyes, dry skin, irregularly placed birthmarks/moles/spots, pointy nose, narrowed eyebrows, rectangular fingers, wide knuckles (201-202).
*Recommended clothing: earthy patterns, heavy textures and material (404). This recommendation didn’t make sense to me; I would think that people who are determined to get things done would want light material clothing which doesn’t hinder movement. My type 3 kid gets hot easily, so heavy clothing isn’t good for her. Perhaps the author just personally favors earthy and heavy clothing for herself, and so she’s applying that recommendation to all type 3s, which is biased and faulty logic.
Type 4: serious child: intellectual, straightforward, exact, thorough, efficient, responsible, analytical, critical, judgmental, know-it-all, wants to be respected by family and respect them in return (42), mature, reserved, logical, respectful (227), perfectionist (228), private, independent (231), reflective, contemplative (232), authoritative (234), “committed to an idea they’ve already spent time looking at from every angle” (237), black and white about how they feel about things (240); doesn’t fake emotions (241), takes things literally (242-243), calls things/people/self “stupid” often (245), “they say what they mean and they expect others to do the same” (247), slow to open up (248), don’t like repeating themselves (248), love routines (257); have the lowest level of movement of the four types (262), late talker (272), dislike messes (273); like quiet and solitude (310); priority is perfection.
(I determined the equivalent Myers-Briggs classification would be INTJ, enneagram type 5 & 1. Sounds like a nerd or a prodigy.)
The author described this type to have autistic tendencies without using the autistic label: lining things up in rows (231), intense narrow focus (233), doesn’t conform socially (233), repetitive activities (261).
*Element: carbon/earth (227).
*Strategies for compliance: ask for their opinion on how things could be done better/faster (231); in private, label the emotion you see them displaying and then ask what’s wrong (239-240); when they’re frustrated, “reassure them that they are learning perfectly what they need in order to become the person that they want to be” (241); speak logically, don’t condescend (244, 267), explain reasoning behind what you want (244), ask them for their reasons (247), “give them your full attention and make eye contact” (249), don’t interrupt them (249), ask if they want your advice before you give it (249); ask for their input in rules, activities, consequences (251); if they tattle, tell them that you are the one in charge, and it’s not their job to monitor others (255); say “I trust you will get your chores done” instead of reminding them to do their chores (259); give them organizational tasks (260); give them a warning and a reason before you tell them it’s time to stop a certain activity (261); don’t embarrass them (263-264); agree on a time limit on video games or anything else they’re spending an unhealthy amount of time on (265); appeal to their desire to be more grown up (273); tell your child what to expect in new situations (274), earn their trust so they’ll confide in you and ask you for help (280); motivate them with bettering themselves or their environment; appeal to their logic and desire to be mature (348).
*Discipline: time out can feel like a reward to this type (335). This type is one of the more well behaved ones, so gentle discipline would likely work, e.g., talking to them and explaining why you want things done a certain way and why their behavior is not okay (341). Type 4s like rules, so they might like to come up with their own punishments for disobedience (337). For the stubborn type 4s, embarrassment would motivate them to change their behavior. It did for me.
*Appearance: erect posture (277, 279), symmetrical face, high cheekbones, straight now, straight eyebrows (278), low voice (280), boxy face (309). The author used appearance to determine the type of school shooters over the years, and she determined that they were all type 4s (356).
*Recommended clothing: tight, simple, solid colors, stripes, black (404).
The author only briefly mentioned secondary energy types, in case your child doesn’t fit perfectly into a certain type.
I liked the personality descriptions and how different advice was given for each one. I was more skeptical of the author describing that different personalities would have different appearances, since appearance is determined by the appearance of the parents. The author tried to apply personality to food preferences as well, but I found it to be incorrect. For example, you’d think that fiery type 3s would love spicy food, but my type 3 hates spicy food. Type 2s and 4s are supposed to not like trying new foods (344-345), but I’m those types and I have always loved trying new foods. I think food preferences are completely separate from personality.
The author said that Bill Gates, Einstein and Mark Zuckerberg were all type 2s (362). I guess she determined this by their faces? From what I know of their personalities, those people do not seem like type 2s to me. Einstein and Zuckerberg seem like type 4s (Einstein maybe even type 1), and Gates seems like 3 or 4.
I really enjoyed the overall idea in this book of the four personality/energy types, but I disagreed with a lot of the information on how to handle the different personalities as a parent.
Interesting take on kid development but just personal theory - no science. Skip most of it but take away the parts that help you see your kid in a positive light. 💁🏼♀️