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ericamcgowan7's review against another edition
4.0
This book had a lot of good information/thoughts in having a conversation with people you don’t agree. Everyone needs to read this book. Our world is losing the art of conversation and learning from each other.
amyiw's review against another edition
5.0
4 1/2
I really liked this as it does give really idea of how to present issues and just give time on some of them. I already failed just tonight with my husband and we have most of the same thoughts on the issues so I probably already need a reread.
The writer is coming from a evangelical background but after years of fighting himself, he comes to terms with that he was born gay and it wasn't a choice for him. Why would he choose this? So, now he had to learn how to talk to his friends and family to understand him because he still is very religious and wants understanding. He paints the scene and says how he got his points across step by step, not everything is accepted, and not immediately but by sowing the seeds slowly, he could get a understanding with both groups. He takes what he learned talking to both his Christian groups and his LGBTQ+ groups and applies it to other issue and finds common grounds.
I thought his steps and thoughts were very informative and after reading other books on similar subjects, I thought this was more true and insightful.
I really liked this as it does give really idea of how to present issues and just give time on some of them. I already failed just tonight with my husband and we have most of the same thoughts on the issues so I probably already need a reread.
The writer is coming from a evangelical background but after years of fighting himself, he comes to terms with that he was born gay and it wasn't a choice for him. Why would he choose this? So, now he had to learn how to talk to his friends and family to understand him because he still is very religious and wants understanding. He paints the scene and says how he got his points across step by step, not everything is accepted, and not immediately but by sowing the seeds slowly, he could get a understanding with both groups. He takes what he learned talking to both his Christian groups and his LGBTQ+ groups and applies it to other issue and finds common grounds.
I thought his steps and thoughts were very informative and after reading other books on similar subjects, I thought this was more true and insightful.
karenika's review against another edition
3.0
After the last two books I finished, I needed a change of pace so I decided to pickup a nonfiction book. This was new on my pile and I liked the premise of it so I figured it was a good pick.
Overall, I think it was a good book. I liked all the ideas/approaches he introduces in the book and I felt that, in general, he was pretty realistic about how tough it can be to talk across the divide. He clearly has experience with this. ( Though I will say while I liked the E.T. example as a way to show how people might have different stories they have accumulated in their life, I felt that telling me to have them watch E.T. was too simplistic for the example he was giving. That was the one time in the book he completely lost me.)
The reason I gave this 3 stars is really because there wasn't much new here for me. I'm lucky enough to have a wide range of interests and friends from a wide range of backgrounds. This has taught me that people I love and respect can have wildly different opinions/perspectives than I do. Having such a variety of people in my life has helped me work on some of these tactics and has helped me be more open to listening because as [a:Brené Brown|162578|Brené Brown|https://images.gr-assets.com/authors/1246473726p2/162578.jpg] often mentions, it's hard to disregard someone's thoughts/opinions/words if you know them as a human being. Not that I always get it right, of course, but I've done a lot of growing up in the last twenty years and I am aware that things are a lot more complicated than they might seem and I have but my stories, perspectives, experiences so it's important for me to remember that those are not the only ones there are in the world.
Anyhow, these are good books for me to read. Good reminders to keep an open mind, to listen, to care, to remember to not perpetuate a divide. As my favorite Ram Dass saying goes: We are all just walking each other home.
Overall, I think it was a good book. I liked all the ideas/approaches he introduces in the book and I felt that, in general, he was pretty realistic about how tough it can be to talk across the divide. He clearly has experience with this. ( Though I will say while I liked the E.T. example as a way to show how people might have different stories they have accumulated in their life, I felt that telling me to have them watch E.T. was too simplistic for the example he was giving. That was the one time in the book he completely lost me.)
The reason I gave this 3 stars is really because there wasn't much new here for me. I'm lucky enough to have a wide range of interests and friends from a wide range of backgrounds. This has taught me that people I love and respect can have wildly different opinions/perspectives than I do. Having such a variety of people in my life has helped me work on some of these tactics and has helped me be more open to listening because as [a:Brené Brown|162578|Brené Brown|https://images.gr-assets.com/authors/1246473726p2/162578.jpg] often mentions, it's hard to disregard someone's thoughts/opinions/words if you know them as a human being. Not that I always get it right, of course, but I've done a lot of growing up in the last twenty years and I am aware that things are a lot more complicated than they might seem and I have but my stories, perspectives, experiences so it's important for me to remember that those are not the only ones there are in the world.
Anyhow, these are good books for me to read. Good reminders to keep an open mind, to listen, to care, to remember to not perpetuate a divide. As my favorite Ram Dass saying goes: We are all just walking each other home.
kikiandarrowsfishshelf's review against another edition
4.0
This is pretty good. Nice break down of steps and easy to read.
gconachan's review against another edition
5.0
Everyone and their mom needs to read this book. For one, I was convicted of the ways in which I haven’t adequately listened to others when there have been tensions or disagreements between us. Two, I grew in confidence and my ability to help others see my world, too (though as Justin articulates, the listening comes first!). Curiously, some potentially difficult conversations happened in my own life while reading this book - and guess what? They turned out better than they had in ages. All this to say, it’s a must-read. Especially at a time when the political and social landscapes are so volatile, we need to learn how to listen to each other better. Justin gives us invaluable insight on how to help make this happen.
ckanderson's review against another edition
My review, which is more like a book report. https://readingonadream.wordpress.com/2018/09/25/talking-across-the-divide/
cocoonofbooks's review
4.0
I've long admired Justin Lee's ability to address heated topics with grace, nuance, and clear communication. His first book, [b:Torn|13529091|Torn Rescuing the Gospel from the Gays-vs.-Christians Debate|Justin Lee|https://i.gr-assets.com/images/S/compressed.photo.goodreads.com/books/1340228841l/13529091._SX50_.jpg|19086701], remains one of the best introductions to the intersection of Christianity and homosexuality. Now he's taken the lessons from his long career building bridges between the conservative Christian community and the LGBTQ community to talk about strategies for better understanding people with different viewpoints. Perhaps most importantly, he begins with a discussion about why this is a valuable endeavor, why pursuing truth and making a difference in the world requires more than just working around those who disagree with you. He also acknowledges that this is the more difficult path to take, that it requires a conscious choice and lots of self-care to be sustainable.
The book addresses both how to set the stage for a productive conversation with someone you disagree with, and five main obstacles you're likely to encounter, with suggestions for preparing with each one. This means that the strategies Lee shares are mainly aimed at an intentional, one-on-one conversation set up for the purposes of discussing the area of disagreement. I found this framing a little bit challenging because it means that the strategies have to be adapted if you want to use them in the kinds of conversations where (in my experience) you're most likely to encounter differing opinions — an offhand comment made by a coworker, an acquaintance at a party, or a relative at a holiday gathering. I think the ideas in the book are applicable, but Lee doesn't always directly show how they can be used on the fly.
I particularly liked the section near the end about defining your "ask." Lee talks about how it's unrealistic for your goal to be the complete uprooting of a person's entire belief system to replace with your own. When you know what your immediate goal is — stop using that word, support this bill, don't mock my beliefs — you can limit how much change you're asking for at once and be able to define whether you've made any progress. Lee also, importantly, makes sure to say that none of this will work if you're not willing to reconsider your own beliefs and information sources, or else you're not truly open to listening and the whole exercise is a sham. Based on everything else I've read or heard about opinion change, Lee's suggestions — start with listening, tell stories, look for tiny changes — are well aimed and clearly outlined.
I had one major difficulty with this book, and that's that Justin Lee leans very heavily on his own particular sphere, the intersection of Christian communities and LGBTQ communities. It's clear that he has that specific conflict in mind with many of the points he makes, and while he does share personal examples in other areas, they don't have the same gravity as the ones surrounding his identity as a gay Christian and his longtime work in that area. This means he conflates what I see as two distinct types of conflict: communities that don't understand each other, and belief systems that are directly at odds. Yes, the conservative Christian community as a whole holds stereotypes about the LGBTQ community, and vice versa, but you can also be a gay Christian standing at the intersection of those two communities and helping them better understand one another. You could potentially equate this with a biracial person who helps communities of two different races better understand each other. There is no equivalent of a person who both believes climate change isn't happening and fights to stop climate change, or a person who believes we should welcome all immigrants and we should make it difficult to immigrate here. Because Lee's work has been largely about building bridges between two different but not mutually exclusive communities, some of his advice falls apart when trying to apply it to differing belief systems, and I wish that distinction had been made clearer.
On the whole, I think this is a valuable book that provides clear steps for broaching conversations with those who disagree with you. Although at times it's a bit simplistic or focuses too much on a specific type of conflict, still I think the takeaways are broad-ranging and the book is worth reading for anyone who's willing to put in the time and effort to chip away at the polarization rampant in our current age as a way to make the world a better place for everyone.
The book addresses both how to set the stage for a productive conversation with someone you disagree with, and five main obstacles you're likely to encounter, with suggestions for preparing with each one. This means that the strategies Lee shares are mainly aimed at an intentional, one-on-one conversation set up for the purposes of discussing the area of disagreement. I found this framing a little bit challenging because it means that the strategies have to be adapted if you want to use them in the kinds of conversations where (in my experience) you're most likely to encounter differing opinions — an offhand comment made by a coworker, an acquaintance at a party, or a relative at a holiday gathering. I think the ideas in the book are applicable, but Lee doesn't always directly show how they can be used on the fly.
I particularly liked the section near the end about defining your "ask." Lee talks about how it's unrealistic for your goal to be the complete uprooting of a person's entire belief system to replace with your own. When you know what your immediate goal is — stop using that word, support this bill, don't mock my beliefs — you can limit how much change you're asking for at once and be able to define whether you've made any progress. Lee also, importantly, makes sure to say that none of this will work if you're not willing to reconsider your own beliefs and information sources, or else you're not truly open to listening and the whole exercise is a sham. Based on everything else I've read or heard about opinion change, Lee's suggestions — start with listening, tell stories, look for tiny changes — are well aimed and clearly outlined.
I had one major difficulty with this book, and that's that Justin Lee leans very heavily on his own particular sphere, the intersection of Christian communities and LGBTQ communities. It's clear that he has that specific conflict in mind with many of the points he makes, and while he does share personal examples in other areas, they don't have the same gravity as the ones surrounding his identity as a gay Christian and his longtime work in that area. This means he conflates what I see as two distinct types of conflict: communities that don't understand each other, and belief systems that are directly at odds. Yes, the conservative Christian community as a whole holds stereotypes about the LGBTQ community, and vice versa, but you can also be a gay Christian standing at the intersection of those two communities and helping them better understand one another. You could potentially equate this with a biracial person who helps communities of two different races better understand each other. There is no equivalent of a person who both believes climate change isn't happening and fights to stop climate change, or a person who believes we should welcome all immigrants and we should make it difficult to immigrate here. Because Lee's work has been largely about building bridges between two different but not mutually exclusive communities, some of his advice falls apart when trying to apply it to differing belief systems, and I wish that distinction had been made clearer.
On the whole, I think this is a valuable book that provides clear steps for broaching conversations with those who disagree with you. Although at times it's a bit simplistic or focuses too much on a specific type of conflict, still I think the takeaways are broad-ranging and the book is worth reading for anyone who's willing to put in the time and effort to chip away at the polarization rampant in our current age as a way to make the world a better place for everyone.