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Reviews tagging 'Suicidal thoughts'
A Mother's Reckoning: Living in the Aftermath of Tragedy by Sue Klebold
21 reviews
teddereadsbooks's review
dark
emotional
informative
sad
medium-paced
4.0
Content Warnings
Graphic: Toxic friendship, Mass/school shootings, Panic attacks/disorders, Murder, Hate crime, Child death, Racism, Suicide, Grief, Mental illness, Gun violence, Suicidal thoughts, Death, Xenophobia, Gore, and Bullying
chupacabra2000's review
challenging
dark
sad
tense
4.0
I don't think Sue could've written a more honest, heartbreaking and important book than this one. How do you grieve when the entire world is watching, and hating you for doing so? When even psychiatrists turns you down because of your childs actions?
She breaks it down in every single way and angle I could possibly think of, not just how SHE feels about it - but the scientific research and the statistics of suicide, homicide and prevention possible. She does it without stigmatizing or judging people who suffer from mental illness, which is a fine line in these particular cases. She sure has a way with words!
Four stars for not doing it for money - but to open some eyes and send all profits from the book to charities concerning suicide prevention.
She breaks it down in every single way and angle I could possibly think of, not just how SHE feels about it - but the scientific research and the statistics of suicide, homicide and prevention possible. She does it without stigmatizing or judging people who suffer from mental illness, which is a fine line in these particular cases. She sure has a way with words!
Four stars for not doing it for money - but to open some eyes and send all profits from the book to charities concerning suicide prevention.
Content Warnings
Graphic: Suicidal thoughts, Grief, Violence, Suicide, Mental illness, Mass/school shootings, Gun violence, Murder, Child death, and Death
haloblues's review
emotional
informative
inspiring
reflective
sad
5.0
How does one review material such as this? That was my obstacle upon finishing Dave Cullen's Columbine, and it rears its head once more here.
I have nothing but the utmost respect and empathy for Sue Klebold. I can't say my opinion of her was changed or improved by her account - but only because, from the little I knew of her before reading, there had already been no doubt in my mind that she had not been to blame for the tragedy that occurred. Her anguish, guilt, and deep questioning of whether or not she could have prevented it, done something differently, seen signs or read further into an off-hand comment, only cement that impression in my mind, and her pain bleeds palpably off the page and into your heart.
While Dave Cullen's biography focused on the what, the technical details and the victims' recoveries, Sue details something far more personal and emotional - her experience as the mother of not just a killer, but a human boy struggling so deeply with mental illness (or, as Sue refers to it throughout this book for reasons illustrated in the quotations below, brain illness) that he would die by his own hand.
She makes no attempt to justify his actions, nor does she remove accountability from her son. She is so intent on not doing so, in fact, that she often comes across as self-flagellating, reassuring readers over and over that she is not excusing him, nor her own perceived part in it.
Upon closing this book, my opinion remains thus: I truly believe that Sue Klebold is and was a good person, a good mother, and a good influence. She, in my estimation, did all she could with the information she had at the time, and went above and beyond to care for her children and instill within them good morals and life lessons. She appears to be nothing less than sincere, truly compassionate and fair, and has since dedicated her life to activism, mental health awareness, and suicide prevention. I can only say that it is truly depressing and frustrating that today, in 2022, 23 years post-Columbine and 6 since the publication of this book, not to mention many mass shootings later, we still seem no closer to gun control in America. God hopes that changes before many more like the fifteen victims of Columbine are lost.
Favourite quotes:
I have nothing but the utmost respect and empathy for Sue Klebold. I can't say my opinion of her was changed or improved by her account - but only because, from the little I knew of her before reading, there had already been no doubt in my mind that she had not been to blame for the tragedy that occurred. Her anguish, guilt, and deep questioning of whether or not she could have prevented it, done something differently, seen signs or read further into an off-hand comment, only cement that impression in my mind, and her pain bleeds palpably off the page and into your heart.
While Dave Cullen's biography focused on the what, the technical details and the victims' recoveries, Sue details something far more personal and emotional - her experience as the mother of not just a killer, but a human boy struggling so deeply with mental illness (or, as Sue refers to it throughout this book for reasons illustrated in the quotations below, brain illness) that he would die by his own hand.
She makes no attempt to justify his actions, nor does she remove accountability from her son. She is so intent on not doing so, in fact, that she often comes across as self-flagellating, reassuring readers over and over that she is not excusing him, nor her own perceived part in it.
Upon closing this book, my opinion remains thus: I truly believe that Sue Klebold is and was a good person, a good mother, and a good influence. She, in my estimation, did all she could with the information she had at the time, and went above and beyond to care for her children and instill within them good morals and life lessons. She appears to be nothing less than sincere, truly compassionate and fair, and has since dedicated her life to activism, mental health awareness, and suicide prevention. I can only say that it is truly depressing and frustrating that today, in 2022, 23 years post-Columbine and 6 since the publication of this book, not to mention many mass shootings later, we still seem no closer to gun control in America. God hopes that changes before many more like the fifteen victims of Columbine are lost.
Favourite quotes:
Ovid delivered a famous injunction to "welcome this pain, for you will learn from it." But there is little choice about such pain; you do not have the option of not welcoming it. You can express displeasure at its arrival, but you cannot ask it to leave the house.
In writing this book, I hope to honor the memories of the people my son killed. The best way I know how to do that is to be truthful, to the best of my ability. And so, this is the truth: my tears for the victims did eventually come, and they still do. But they did not come that day.
In other cases, such plans are simply sign and symptom of the genuinely "broken" logic driving the suicidal brain. They may signal the ambivalence the person feels - a desire to live that is, at times, as strong as the desire to die. A person with intent to self-harm can also believe simultaneously in both realities: that they will take a Caribbean vacation, and that they will have died by suicide before they have the chance to go.
A local reporter tried to push his way into my eighty-five-year-old aunt's home in Ohio. (She was proud she'd stood up to him by asking him to leave, though she insisted he take a fresh-baked cookie with him.)
How could I convey empathy, when even hearing my name would likely increase the suffering these families were feeling? How could I reach out, as a companion in sorrow, when my son - the person I had created and loved more than life - was the reason they were in agony? How do you say, "I'm sorry my child killed yours"?
Quote in the paper about cancer patients. It said "The people who do well create a place in their mind and their spirit where they are well, and they live from that place." This is what we are doing. Tom's analogy is that a tornado has destroyed our house, and we can only live in one part of it. This is what living with grief is like. You dwell in that small place where you can function.
The theologian C. S. Lewis begins A Grief Observed, his beautiful meditation on the death of his wife, with these words: "No one ever told me that grief felt so like fear."
As I wrote in my journal: I've learned two important things. One, that there are many good, kind people out there. And two, there are many people who have suffered greatly and who keep going with strength and courage. These are the ones who can eventually support others. I hope I can be of some use to someone some day.
The psychologists who reviewed the tapes would come to a similar conclusion: that Eric relied on Dylan's slow-burning, depressive anger to fuel and feed his sadism, while Dylan used Eric's destructive impulses to jolt him out of his passivity.
You will notice that I use the terms "brain illness" and "brain health" throughout this book, as opposed to the more commonly used "mental illness" and "mental health". That decision was the result of a conversation I had with Dr. Jeremy Richman, a neuroscientist whose daughter, Avielle Rose Richman, was one of the children murdered by Adam Lanza at Sandy Hook Elementary School in Newtown, Connecticut. Dr. Richman and his wife, Jennifer Hensel, a scientist and medical writer, founded the Avielle Foundation in their daughter's honor, hoping to remove the stigma for people seeking help, to develop the concept of a "brain health check-up", and to identify behavioral and biochemical diagnostics to detect those at risk of violent behaviors.
In our conversation, Dr. Richman explained: "'Mental' is invisible. It comes with all the fear, trepidation, and stigma of things we don't understand. But we know there are real, physical manifestations within the brain that can be imaged, measured, quantified, and understood. We need to move our understanding to the visible world of brain health and brain disease, which is tangible."
Whereas Eric's [journal] is full of narcissistic condescension and bloodthirsty rage, Dylan's is focused on loneliness, depression, ruminations, and preoccupation with finding love. Eric drew pictures of weapons, swastikas, and soldiers; Dylan drew hearts.
One day, Dylan came home, his shirt spotted with ketchup. He refused to tell me what had happened, only that he'd had "the worst day of his life." I pressed, but Dylan downplayed it, and I let him. Kids have disagreements, I thought. Whatever it is, it'll blow over - and if it doesn't, I'll know. There has been reporting that the incident was more serious than I could ever have imagined: a circle of boys taunting Dylan and Eric, shoving them, spraying them with ketchup, and suggesting they were gay. That incident alone may not explain the deadly kinship forged between the boys, but it is the kind of shared humiliation in which a bond is formed.
I have always loved trees. I'm inspired by their fortitude and character - their knots and scars and burls, the sites of so many injuries and so much life - and by their generosity, the way they uncomplainingly provide shade and oxygen and food and shelter and fuel. Trees are both deeply grounded and aspirational; they never stop reaching.
If I had thought there was something seriously wrong with him, I would have moved mountains to fix it. If I had known about Eric's website or the guns, or about Dylan's depression, I would have parented differently. As it was, I parented the best way I knew to parent the child I knew - not the one he had become without my knowledge.
If you hurt your knee, you wouldn't wait until you couldn't walk before seeking help. You'd ice the joint, elevate it, skip your workouts - and then, if you didn't see any improvement after a couple of days, you'd make an appointment with an orthopedist. Unfortunately, most people don't turn to a mental health professional until they're in real crisis. Nobody expects to heal their knees themselves, using self-discipline and gumption. Because of stigma, though, we do expect to be able to think our way out of the pain in our minds.
As soon as my own anxiety disorder was under control and I began to emerge from the quicksand, it was suddenly as clear as day: a brain health crisis was a health issue, the same as a heart condition, or a torn ligament. As with those health issues, it can be treatable. But first it has to be caught and diagnosed. Every day, mammograms and breast exams help doctors catch and treat cancers they would have missed fifty years ago. I survived cancer myself because of these, and can only hope that someday we'll have screenings and interventions at least as effective for brain health.
Content Warnings
Graphic: Mental illness, Gun violence, Mass/school shootings, Murder, Violence, Child death, Suicidal thoughts, Toxic friendship, Suicide, Grief, and Death
Moderate: Misogyny, Racism, Homophobia, and Sexism
abby_can_read's review
dark
emotional
reflective
sad
medium-paced
3.0
🎧
I wasn't sure what to expect when I read this book. The heartbreak and anguish Klebold experienced and wrote made me sob.
I wasn't sure what to expect when I read this book. The heartbreak and anguish Klebold experienced and wrote made me sob.
Content Warnings
Graphic: Gun violence, Suicide, and Mass/school shootings
Moderate: Bullying, Suicidal thoughts, and Murder
Minor: Cancer, Child death, and Drug abuse
micasreads's review against another edition
4.0
Sue Klebold and her husband received the worst call a parent can get - there has been a shooting at her son's school. She soon discovered that her nightmare was about to get worse…her son and his friend took the lives of 15 innocent people, made up of students and teachers. As she struggles with not only the aftermath of the tragedy but also realizing the signs she missed. She must delve into the past to determine a path forward.
I've long wondered how the parents of school shooters missed the signs that something was going on with their child. Klebold owns up to the fact that she noticed changes in her son's behavior but never thought he would be planning a mass murder. She goes through periods where she attempts to reconcile the son she knew with the murderer he became and has trouble doing so. I feel for her as a parent knowing that you never stop loving your children, regardless of what they've done. She continues to educate herself on her son's mental illness, his desire to die, and why he felt the need to take others with him.
Content Warnings
Moderate: Mental illness, Suicidal thoughts, Toxic friendship, Violence, Gun violence, Child death, Murder, Suicide, Mass/school shootings, and Grief
librarymouse's review
informative
reflective
slow-paced
3.25
Informative, and an important look on the aftermath of a tragedy for the family and friends of the perpetrator. Sue Klebold writes well, but her perspective still has rose colored glasses. I hate her for making me empathize with her son. She gives only a partial view of who he was.
I think I may have read this book before, but I had got concussion the summer I read it, so I had a deep sense of deja vu the entire time I was reading.
Kelbold's work with organizations working to prevent suicide and murder suicides/mass shootings like Columbine is both soothing for her, and does good for the world. I hope she finds peace, but I also hope her son and his friend are never forgiven for the atrocity they committed.
I think I may have read this book before, but I had got concussion the summer I read it, so I had a deep sense of deja vu the entire time I was reading.
Kelbold's work with organizations working to prevent suicide and murder suicides/mass shootings like Columbine is both soothing for her, and does good for the world. I hope she finds peace, but I also hope her son and his friend are never forgiven for the atrocity they committed.
Content Warnings
Graphic: Death, Death of parent, Mass/school shootings, Mental illness, Alcohol, Grief, Blood, Child death, Cancer, Murder, Gun violence, Injury/Injury detail, Panic attacks/disorders, Self harm, Suicidal thoughts, Suicide, and Violence
Minor: Drug use
nikmahie's review
challenging
dark
emotional
hopeful
informative
inspiring
reflective
sad
tense
slow-paced
4.0
This is an important read for anyone who interacts with young people. I have immense respect for Sue a d how she has put her entire heart in this book. It really gives a great insight in what happened and how this affected everyone (indirectly) involved.
However, this was a very long and sometimes repetitive read. I found myself sometimes skipping parts, because it felt like I had already read it. I also wished to read more about Eric’s parents and what had been said during the depositions from both families.
An interesting read, nonetheless.
However, this was a very long and sometimes repetitive read. I found myself sometimes skipping parts, because it felt like I had already read it. I also wished to read more about Eric’s parents and what had been said during the depositions from both families.
An interesting read, nonetheless.
Content Warnings
Graphic: Child death, Mental illness, Suicidal thoughts, Gun violence, Murder, Suicide, Mass/school shootings, and Grief
Moderate: Injury/Injury detail, Toxic friendship, and Panic attacks/disorders
Minor: Death of parent and Chronic illness
mbergman's review
challenging
dark
emotional
reflective
sad
slow-paced
4.5
Content Warnings
Graphic: Suicidal thoughts, Violence, Child death, Grief, Death, Gun violence, Mass/school shootings, Suicide, Mental illness, Toxic friendship, and Murder
pmhandley's review
dark
sad
slow-paced
4.0
This book is, unsurprisingly, an incredibly difficult read. I had constantly conflicting feelings the entire time. If what you are looking for was a magic answer on how two people could commit the atrocity that was Columbine, you are not going to find it here. Sue is very self-flagellating throughout the book, agonizing over details like the time she and Dylan's father were worried over how to pay for Dylan's college, and if the idea of being a financial burden made Dylan feel the world was better off without him. It is viscerally painful and heartbreaking. She repeatedly recalls otherwise innocuous conversations with Dylan and torments herself over what if she had missed something or what if she had said this or done that. I believe most of these are wishful thinking; a lot of the moments she recalls, with very few exceptions, were things you would expect from any teenager. Reading about Sue and Tom viewing the Basement Tapes for the first time is something I will never forget. I cannot fathom the immense pain and anger they must have felt as investigators showed them the recordings, and I hope I never will have to. Sue is open that until the tapes, she refused to believe Dylan was not tricked or coerced in some way, which I think is an expected coping mechanism when your own child has committed such a horrific act. Accepting that Dylan was a willing participant and actively helped plan is a major turning point. Sue adamantly wants people to know she and her husband, Tom, did not raise Dylan in a home that taught him violence and that he was very loved by his family. She also admits she understands why she and her husband received so much blame in the aftermath and that, roles reversed, she likely would have thought the same way. The misguided idea that you could not possibly not know your own child was plotting something so horrific is perhaps the most unsettling takeaway of this memoir. For all the insistence following the shooting that any good parent would have known, I finished this book with the unshakeable feeling that that is more a lie people tell themselves than a conclusion supported by the details of Columbine. There were details of Columbine I admit I did not know. I was surprised to read that the police had to re-search the Harris home after discovering the Basement Tapes, because he had hidden weapons so well they missed them the first time. It certainly recalibrated my skepticism that the Harrises could not possibly have missed their son was hoarding weapons. It also not once occurred to me that the Klebolds would receive, for lack of a better term, "fan mail" regarding Dylan and people who admired what he did. The hate mail was unsurprising and a thing I expected to hear about. The letters of admiration I was totally unprepared for, and Sue saying that those were worse than any of the hate letters haunts me.
While Sue is a talented writer, and I found her reflections to be very self-aware, there were a few criticisms I had. First and foremost is her emphasis on mental health. I understand Dylan was depressed, and she does point out that the vast majority of people with mental illness do not commit violent crimes, but it feels more like lip service. Dylan's depression is mentioned again and again and it made me uncomfortable that it was weighed so heavily as a possible factor. Dylan did not commit mass murder because he was depressed, and this is stigmatizing as someone who has gone through my own mental health issues. Her emphasis on suicide prevention made me uneasy because I think at points it overshadowed that Dylan massacred his schoolmates before killing himself. I found it a bit insensitive to describe that Dylan died by suicide, because while technically true I think it sanitizes the actual circumstances. Admittedly, Sue is careful about reiterating that her search for answers is not trying to make excuses, and no possible circumstance justifies Dylan's actions. Again, while I disagree with some of the factors mentioned by Sue, I also tried to keep in perspective that she is a grieving mother, and I think a search for answers and any possible thing that could have been done differently is a natural reaction to her situation. Additionally, she seems to have done a lot of good with her suicide prevention work, and I can't fault that; she is careful to make clear she doesn't blame Dylan's depression, just that maybe treatment would have made him less susceptible to the deep anger and nihilism he drifted into, or at least gotten him into therapy.
Second, I was surprised what was not addressed, and felt the absence of a some subjects was rather glaring. Little is talked about in regards to gun control, or spent on Robyn and Mark Manes, two people that gave Dylan and Eric their weapons. It would be wrong for Sue to pin blame on them for the shooting, yet I think they clearly have some culpability for getting the boys guns and this went unexamined. I realize this is also probably not in the scope of the book, since it largely revolves around Sue's own examination of her parenting. I also thought toxic masculinity got little attention. Dylan's journals heavily obsess over a girl in school he's infatuated with, who he may not have even met, and how much he wants her affection. It is clearly a source for some of his anger, and this goes unexamined as well. Related is that he was shouting racist things at classmates during the shooting. Surely there is more to dive into there, and he was radicalized by racist influences at some point to some extent.
Finally, the entire intro should be cut from the book. It bizarrely hounds on how poor Dylan was vulnerable and taken advantage of by mastermind Eric who manipulated his depression. The intro almost made me stop reading, because I assumed that was what the rest of the book would be like, making sad excuses for Dylan's actions and denying responsibility. Sue herself is very clear that her son was a willing participant, and nothing justifies his actions! The intro does not fit with the rest of the book at all and it's rather insulting.
While Sue is a talented writer, and I found her reflections to be very self-aware, there were a few criticisms I had. First and foremost is her emphasis on mental health. I understand Dylan was depressed, and she does point out that the vast majority of people with mental illness do not commit violent crimes, but it feels more like lip service. Dylan's depression is mentioned again and again and it made me uncomfortable that it was weighed so heavily as a possible factor. Dylan did not commit mass murder because he was depressed, and this is stigmatizing as someone who has gone through my own mental health issues. Her emphasis on suicide prevention made me uneasy because I think at points it overshadowed that Dylan massacred his schoolmates before killing himself. I found it a bit insensitive to describe that Dylan died by suicide, because while technically true I think it sanitizes the actual circumstances. Admittedly, Sue is careful about reiterating that her search for answers is not trying to make excuses, and no possible circumstance justifies Dylan's actions. Again, while I disagree with some of the factors mentioned by Sue, I also tried to keep in perspective that she is a grieving mother, and I think a search for answers and any possible thing that could have been done differently is a natural reaction to her situation. Additionally, she seems to have done a lot of good with her suicide prevention work, and I can't fault that; she is careful to make clear she doesn't blame Dylan's depression, just that maybe treatment would have made him less susceptible to the deep anger and nihilism he drifted into, or at least gotten him into therapy.
Second, I was surprised what was not addressed, and felt the absence of a some subjects was rather glaring. Little is talked about in regards to gun control, or spent on Robyn and Mark Manes, two people that gave Dylan and Eric their weapons. It would be wrong for Sue to pin blame on them for the shooting, yet I think they clearly have some culpability for getting the boys guns and this went unexamined. I realize this is also probably not in the scope of the book, since it largely revolves around Sue's own examination of her parenting. I also thought toxic masculinity got little attention. Dylan's journals heavily obsess over a girl in school he's infatuated with, who he may not have even met, and how much he wants her affection. It is clearly a source for some of his anger, and this goes unexamined as well. Related is that he was shouting racist things at classmates during the shooting. Surely there is more to dive into there, and he was radicalized by racist influences at some point to some extent.
Finally, the entire intro should be cut from the book. It bizarrely hounds on how poor Dylan was vulnerable and taken advantage of by mastermind Eric who manipulated his depression. The intro almost made me stop reading, because I assumed that was what the rest of the book would be like, making sad excuses for Dylan's actions and denying responsibility. Sue herself is very clear that her son was a willing participant, and nothing justifies his actions! The intro does not fit with the rest of the book at all and it's rather insulting.
Content Warnings
Graphic: Mass/school shootings, Violence, and Suicidal thoughts
Moderate: Mental illness
zoetrope47's review
challenging
informative
reflective
slow-paced
4.0
Content Warnings
Moderate: Murder, Blood, Mass/school shootings, Self harm, Violence, Suicidal thoughts, and Suicide