Take a photo of a barcode or cover
133 reviews for:
You Should Be Grateful: Stories of Race, Identity, and Transracial Adoption
Angela Tucker
4.54 AVERAGE
133 reviews for:
You Should Be Grateful: Stories of Race, Identity, and Transracial Adoption
Angela Tucker
4.54 AVERAGE
I am grateful for this book and for the work Tucker continues to do in the adoption community. This was an excellent overview of transracial adoption that I wish I'd had when we started thinking about adoption. While it specifically covers transracial adoption, it's a great, in-depth look at the complexity of adoption, and all members of the adoption triad and their extended family and friends would benefit from reading this.
I appreciate that Tucker wove history and facts about adoption in between narrative of her own adoption experience, her work as a social worker, and her work as a therapist for adoptees. I also appreciate the emotional labor that Tucker must have poured into this book. Nearly all of my research leading up to the birth and adoption of my son was written by and centered the voices and experiences of (mostly white) adoptive parents. However, I've learned far more once I found places to listen to adoptee voices, and I'm thankful for the adoptees who choose to share. I hope my parenting and my relationships with my son and his family reflect that.
Takeaways:
1. Adoptees should always be centered.
2. Adoptees should never feel forced to feel grateful.
3. Open adoption is healthy for all involved except in rare cases.
"A common through line is for adoptees to conceal their burdens from their adoptive family to make everyone around them comfortable."
"Black children adopted into white families were losing their connection to Black culture and family in a very segregated country. This was most profoundly articulated by the National Association of Black Social Workers, who called transracial adoption "racial genocide" in a 1972 position paper, saying they had taken a 'vehement stand against the placement of black children in white homes for any reason.' The writers stated that white families would not be able to teach Black children how to deal with racism and that transracial adoptions were done with the benefit of the white family in mind, rather than the benefit of the Black child."
"In the Adoptee Lounge, we can utter seeming contradictions, like one I've wrestled with my entire life: I love my adoptive parents. And I wish I wasn't adopted."
"After a minute I told her I really liked her answer, that adoption isn't actually all that cool. Giving her additional permission, I add: "If you feel like you need to tack on another sentence, how about adding, 'That's actually a very sensitive and private question'?"
"Children whose adoptive parents rarely discuss the absent birth parents or birth siblings feel the loss more keenly. In a study of young adults adoptees published in a 2005 issue of the Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, sociocultural researchers Kimberly Powell and Tamara Afifi correlate heightened ambiguous loss symptoms with children and youth who lack information about their birth parents and who have lived with a family who failed to honor the adoptees' connection with their family or culture of origin."
"When the relinquishment trauma happens before the age of three, the memories of trauma are stored in the unconscious part of the brain as implicit memories. Implicit memories are not coded in the brain as coherent, but as broken sensory and emotional fragments-images, sounds, and physical sensations. I felt this fragmented sensation as a hole in my heart. Something-someone-was always missing. The traumatized brain responds with fight, flight, freeze or fawning (people pleasing) when the implicit trauma memories are triggered."
"I apologize for the presumption that you'd been saved and provided a better life. I can see now, what you were actually given as a result of adoption was a different life."
I appreciate that Tucker wove history and facts about adoption in between narrative of her own adoption experience, her work as a social worker, and her work as a therapist for adoptees. I also appreciate the emotional labor that Tucker must have poured into this book. Nearly all of my research leading up to the birth and adoption of my son was written by and centered the voices and experiences of (mostly white) adoptive parents. However, I've learned far more once I found places to listen to adoptee voices, and I'm thankful for the adoptees who choose to share. I hope my parenting and my relationships with my son and his family reflect that.
Takeaways:
1. Adoptees should always be centered.
2. Adoptees should never feel forced to feel grateful.
3. Open adoption is healthy for all involved except in rare cases.
"A common through line is for adoptees to conceal their burdens from their adoptive family to make everyone around them comfortable."
"Black children adopted into white families were losing their connection to Black culture and family in a very segregated country. This was most profoundly articulated by the National Association of Black Social Workers, who called transracial adoption "racial genocide" in a 1972 position paper, saying they had taken a 'vehement stand against the placement of black children in white homes for any reason.' The writers stated that white families would not be able to teach Black children how to deal with racism and that transracial adoptions were done with the benefit of the white family in mind, rather than the benefit of the Black child."
"In the Adoptee Lounge, we can utter seeming contradictions, like one I've wrestled with my entire life: I love my adoptive parents. And I wish I wasn't adopted."
"After a minute I told her I really liked her answer, that adoption isn't actually all that cool. Giving her additional permission, I add: "If you feel like you need to tack on another sentence, how about adding, 'That's actually a very sensitive and private question'?"
"Children whose adoptive parents rarely discuss the absent birth parents or birth siblings feel the loss more keenly. In a study of young adults adoptees published in a 2005 issue of the Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, sociocultural researchers Kimberly Powell and Tamara Afifi correlate heightened ambiguous loss symptoms with children and youth who lack information about their birth parents and who have lived with a family who failed to honor the adoptees' connection with their family or culture of origin."
"When the relinquishment trauma happens before the age of three, the memories of trauma are stored in the unconscious part of the brain as implicit memories. Implicit memories are not coded in the brain as coherent, but as broken sensory and emotional fragments-images, sounds, and physical sensations. I felt this fragmented sensation as a hole in my heart. Something-someone-was always missing. The traumatized brain responds with fight, flight, freeze or fawning (people pleasing) when the implicit trauma memories are triggered."
"I apologize for the presumption that you'd been saved and provided a better life. I can see now, what you were actually given as a result of adoption was a different life."
I just finished listing to this audiobook, which was narrated by the author. I'm not even sure where I saw this recommended, but I randomly chose it as my next listen. This book weaves in the author's story along with others, plus a little research, in a well done way. I'm not very knowledgeable about the adoption world, but this was great at framing it for me in an educational way. There were a few points where I was so hung up on what was next that I couldn't stop listening. I'm thankful for Angela's willingness to share her story to open up my mind.
This is a beautiful, thoughtful & heartbreaking read. We really have so much work to do to change legal practice and cultural approaches to adoption.
challenging
emotional
hopeful
informative
inspiring
reflective
As a mom through transracial adoption, I wish this book had been available to me 12 years ago when we started the process. Angela provides such important knowledge re: transracial adoption centered around the adoptee experience - a perspective that should be one of the most important when discussing adoption and instead is often forgotten. Her wisdom is woven through her own, personal story of finding her first mother.
We have so much work to do to change the system to truly put adoptees and first mothers first. But for now, I hope this book can at least change some hearts and minds about the realities of transracial adoption (and frankly, adoption as a whole).
We have so much work to do to change the system to truly put adoptees and first mothers first. But for now, I hope this book can at least change some hearts and minds about the realities of transracial adoption (and frankly, adoption as a whole).
emotional
informative
reflective
fast-paced
haha i have such poor self awareness? i was not ready to read this but damn i am already wounded by the mere chapters i did read.
challenging
emotional
informative
inspiring
lighthearted
tense
medium-paced
emotional
informative
reflective
challenging
hopeful
informative
inspiring
reflective
fast-paced