Reviews tagging 'Suicidal thoughts'

Meine dunkle Vanessa by Kate Elizabeth Russell, Ulrike Thiesmeyer

353 reviews

sedgewren's review against another edition

challenging dark slow-paced

• Plot- or character-driven? Character
• Strong character development? It's complicated
• Loveable characters? No
• Diverse cast of characters? Yes
• Flaws of characters a main focus? Yes

4.25

Only a truly masterfully written book could make me want to slap and shake the characters so hard to wake them out of their self-delusions, and yet still want to read it to the end. Russell managed to capture what it felt like to be 15 and sexualised, wanting love but not sure what that looks like, thinking you know it all and able to power through more than you can actually handle. It made me understand all the points of failure in a system, try and think what I would have done differently if I were Vanessa's friend, another teacher, or her parent.

I think it was painfully obvious the amount of self-delusion, romanticisation, and naivety that led to Vanessa's mis-interpretation of events, but I'm so glad that her therapist is able to pin them down and communicate with her to get her to see these events as what they really are; I also understand that Vanessa is only able to accept these truths when she is ready (she's been groomed and manipulated so long that she ends up manipulating herself so that she doesn't have to think too hard about anything that doesn't line up with her love story narrative).

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Content Warnings

Graphic: Adult/minor relationship, Alcoholism, Child abuse, Drug use, Emotional abuse, Pedophilia, Rape, Sexual assault, Sexual violence, Suicidal thoughts, Suicide, and Gaslighting

Moderate: Drug abuse, Panic attacks/disorders, Sexual content, Toxic relationship, Stalking, Death of parent, and Classism

_david_'s review against another edition

challenging dark emotional sad tense medium-paced

• Plot- or character-driven? Character
• Strong character development? Yes
• Loveable characters? It's complicated
• Diverse cast of characters? No
• Flaws of characters a main focus? Yes

5.0

The book tells its story in such a beautiful way. It's about a adult-minor relationship from the point of view of the minor (now grown up). The characters all feel like real people.

 I've never before found such a good story which shows why to the grooming victim, it doesn't seem like an unbalanced relationship any more than if they were both adult. As an adult it is very easy to understand why grooming is disgusting, but this book uses its point of view to show how teenagers may experience it. More importantly, how careful you need to be with talking to a victim. 

I really am thankful how the author made the sex scenes feel off, eventhough it wasn't necessary for the story itself. I would feel disgusted if instead I would read about a teenager having sex with an adult and enjoying it fully.

I could talk about this book for days, it's just so good. My only confusion at first was why the narrator didn't realise that the groomer was being manipulative, eventhough flashbacks revealed that she already had doubts in the moments themselves. However, this was explained by two moments. The first

was when she realised she never put it all in a neat chronological order, but only remembered snippets at a time

and even more strong, the moment she voiced the concern which is my favourite quote from the book:

"If it isn't a love story, then what is it?"

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Content Warnings

Graphic: Adult/minor relationship, Animal death, and Child abuse

Moderate: Addiction, Alcoholism, Pedophilia, Toxic relationship, Vomit, and Alcohol

Minor: Drug use, Gun violence, Suicidal thoughts, Medical content, Kidnapping, Grief, Stalking, Death of parent, and Toxic friendship

Very graphic descriptions of physical child abuse are mentioned in the last few pages, around p. 351 in the text starting from "Bridget moves back to Rhode Island". You can skip to the next alinea (2 pages further) without missing anything.

bynnsreading's review against another edition

challenging dark emotional reflective sad tense medium-paced

• Plot- or character-driven? Character
• Strong character development? Yes
• Loveable characters? Yes
• Diverse cast of characters? It's complicated
• Flaws of characters a main focus? It's complicated

5.0

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Content Warnings

Graphic: Addiction, Child abuse, Domestic abuse, Emotional abuse, Misogyny, Panic attacks/disorders, Physical abuse, Rape, Self harm, Sexism, Sexual assault, Sexual content, Sexual violence, Suicidal thoughts, Suicide, Toxic relationship, Vomit, Trafficking, Kidnapping, Grief, Stalking, Death of parent, Alcohol, and Sexual harassment

lay_kone's review against another edition

challenging dark emotional reflective sad slow-paced

4.75

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Content Warnings

Graphic: Adult/minor relationship, Bullying, Child abuse, Drug use, Emotional abuse, Panic attacks/disorders, Pedophilia, Physical abuse, Rape, Sexual assault, Sexual content, Sexual violence, Suicidal thoughts, Suicide, Toxic relationship, Grief, Death of parent, Gaslighting, and Sexual harassment

Minor: Animal cruelty

nineinchnails's review against another edition

challenging dark emotional reflective sad medium-paced

• Plot- or character-driven? Character
• Strong character development? Yes
• Loveable characters? It's complicated
• Diverse cast of characters? No
• Flaws of characters a main focus? Yes

4.5

i feel weird reviewing and even rating this book considering the subject matter because even though it's technically fiction it feels horribly invasive, like reading someone's diary. it is very well written with beautiful prose and a protagonist who is extremely real and raw. the book did run a little long, especially considering there was little character development outside of vanessa but overall it was an extremely gripping read.

i would not recommend reading this as a survivor of rape and especially of child sexual abuse, more because of how adamant vanessa is that she was not abused than how graphic the abuse is written. it can be very hard to stomach her constant romanticisation and denial of strane's abuse, despite how obvious it us to us as readers that he manipulated her. 'manipulate' does not feel like anywhere near as strong of a word to portray how he controlled and exploited her.

vanessa is not a 'perfect victim' and she struggles with this well into adulthood; the idea that a woman must be perfectly chaste, perfectly humble, perfectly innocent, and perfectly untouched by the world to be believed or taken seriously as a victim is one that permeates our society to this day. what was she wearing?, she lead him on, she was asking for it, she wanted it. this novel does an incredible job at giving a voice to the many survivors who (unsurprisingly) don't fit that mould and showing a different perspective. 

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Content Warnings

Graphic: Adult/minor relationship, Child abuse, Emotional abuse, Panic attacks/disorders, Pedophilia, Rape, Sexual assault, Toxic relationship, and Gaslighting

Moderate: Addiction, Alcoholism, Animal cruelty, Body horror, Bullying, Death, Drug abuse, Drug use, Infidelity, Physical abuse, Suicidal thoughts, Grief, Stalking, Death of parent, Abandonment, Sexual harassment, and Classism

Minor: Animal death, Body shaming, Vomit, and Mass/school shootings

Grooming, Dissociation, Post traumatic stress disorder, Child sexual abuse, and Student/teacher relationship

tatymlyric's review against another edition

dark emotional sad tense fast-paced

• Plot- or character-driven? A mix
• Strong character development? It's complicated
• Loveable characters? No
• Diverse cast of characters? N/A
• Flaws of characters a main focus? Yes

4.5

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Content Warnings

Graphic: Adult/minor relationship, Child abuse, Emotional abuse, Mental illness, Pedophilia, Rape, Sexual assault, Sexual content, Sexual violence, Suicidal thoughts, Suicide, Toxic relationship, Violence, and Sexual harassment

emmagrace012's review against another edition

challenging dark emotional reflective slow-paced

• Plot- or character-driven? Character
• Strong character development? It's complicated
• Loveable characters? No
• Diverse cast of characters? No
• Flaws of characters a main focus? It's complicated

3.75

Great storytelling. And incredible voice. Listened to the audiobook and loved the choices made there as well. Such a deeply felt and real story. Definitely not an easy read, but one that will stay with me for a while. 

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Content Warnings

Graphic: Adult/minor relationship, Child abuse, Pedophilia, Rape, Sexual assault, Sexual content, and Gaslighting

Moderate: Addiction, Suicidal thoughts, and Suicide

paulken's review against another edition

dark sad tense medium-paced

• Plot- or character-driven? Character
• Loveable characters? No
• Diverse cast of characters? No

4.25

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Content Warnings

Graphic: Adult/minor relationship, Child abuse, Pedophilia, Rape, and Toxic relationship

Moderate: Emotional abuse, Sexism, and Suicidal thoughts

Minor: Suicide and Death of parent

veronica214's review against another edition

dark emotional sad tense medium-paced

• Strong character development? It's complicated
• Loveable characters? It's complicated
• Flaws of characters a main focus? Yes

4.5

Wow this is a difficult review to write. First of all, I honestly can't believe this is a debut novel because it is so. freaking. good. It's written so well, that it's one of the most emotionally difficult books I've read. It's raw...but flows so well. The beautiful writing juxtaposed with the disgusting actions it portrays is heartbreaking. I feel like this is reflective of Vanessa's adolescent life. 

When she was 15, she and her 42 year old teacher began a "relationship". Strane made her feel special, complimented her, commented on her intelligence and maturity. He was a pedophile, but she believed he really loved her. Vanessa thinks she wanted the relationship. Consented to everything. Even stayed in touch with him until her early twenties. She "needs it to be a love story" in order to not fall apart. She constantly convinces herself she wanted his attention, propelled his actions, and that he was a caring person. 

 I can personally relate to aspects of Vanessa's struggle and confusion--though I was in 12th grade (18) dating someone a bit older than me. Very different circumstances than Vanessa, but damn it's so hard when you're so young.  It sort of changes you. 

All the trigger warnings. 

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Content Warnings

Graphic: Adult/minor relationship, Pedophilia, Sexual content, and Gaslighting

Moderate: Rape and Alcohol

Minor: Suicidal thoughts, Suicide, and Death of parent

elizabethbilawey's review against another edition

challenging dark emotional sad tense medium-paced

• Plot- or character-driven? Character
• Strong character development? It's complicated
• Loveable characters? It's complicated
• Diverse cast of characters? No
• Flaws of characters a main focus? Yes

4.5

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Content Warnings

Graphic: Adult/minor relationship, Bullying, Child abuse, Death, Emotional abuse, Mental illness, Pedophilia, Rape, Sexual assault, Sexual violence, Suicidal thoughts, Suicide, Grief, and Gaslighting