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2.14 AVERAGE
2.14 AVERAGE
Probably the most enjoyable "one star" story I've read.
Why? Well, this story has the notoriety of being "the worst fantasy novella ever written". And is it? Probably so. Filled with overly descriptive depictions of gore, wanton murder, and just....stuff. It's bad. But it's a funny bad, like a movie that's so bad it's good. Does that make it actually good? Not in the slightest.
If you're in the mood for a really bad Conan the Barbarian rip off, here you go.
Why? Well, this story has the notoriety of being "the worst fantasy novella ever written". And is it? Probably so. Filled with overly descriptive depictions of gore, wanton murder, and just....stuff. It's bad. But it's a funny bad, like a movie that's so bad it's good. Does that make it actually good? Not in the slightest.
If you're in the mood for a really bad Conan the Barbarian rip off, here you go.
"The Eye of Argon" is a legendary piece of fiction. It may look like just another lame "Conan the Barbarian" ripoff...
... but it isn't. This is the Holy Grail of wretched fantasy, the Excalibur of excrescent writing, the purest form of terrible writing that makes Edward Bulwer-Lytton look like Shakespeare. Jim Theis' legendary novella butchers the English language and wallows in the blood -- and I defy anyone to read this story in one sitting without experiencing fatal brain meltage.
It is the story of Grignr (how do you say that anyway?), a barbarian who hacks'n'slashes his way to the city of Gorzam, "hoping to discover wine, women, and adventure to boil the wild blood coarsing through his savage veins." Yeah, whatever. So he starts a fight over some random "wench" in Gorzam, and ends up sitting in prison while a bunch of priests try to rape and sacrifice a girl. Of course, he starts causing trouble like all hot-blooded barbarians do.
Well, that's sort of the story -- if you can call it a story, which is difficult to do because frankly Theis seems to have made it up as he went along. Admittedly he was only sixteen when he wrote "Eye of Argon," but let's face it -- there isn't a single solitary SENTENCE in this book that doesn't make me want to stab myself in the brain with a fork.
Not that that's always a BAD thing. In fact, "Eye of Argon" is gutsplittingly funny and is used as a sort of genre joke.
Most of this comes from the way that Jim Theis... well, he did to the English language what Carthena does to the evil priest. Just look at the very first scene of the book. We've got a "misting brain," "grinding lungs" and "writhing mouths," not to mention "Grignr's emerald green orbs glared lustfully at the wallowing soldier." So, he's sexually attracted to the guy he just killed?
And it's like that ALL THROUGH THE BOOK. Random adjectives are slapped around (a girl has a "lithe, opaque nose"), verbs are slaughtered (Carthena "husked" a remark), adverbs are beaten senseless (how do you ask something "bustily?") and the dialogue may cause your eyeballs to bleed. Who could write a line like, "You make love well, wench"?
But let's be honest here -- this book would be a disaster even if Theis weren't that bad a writer -- the "plot" is incoherent and apparently made-up as it goes along, with absurd plot twists (killing people with a RAT PELVIS?) and long infodumps of boring blabber. What's more: it doesn't even have an end.
Even if they tried their hardest, most people couldn't write a story as hilariously, mind-blowingly horrible as "The Eye of Argon." Warning: if you read it, you might end up worming agonizingly as you utter a gasping gurgle.
... but it isn't. This is the Holy Grail of wretched fantasy, the Excalibur of excrescent writing, the purest form of terrible writing that makes Edward Bulwer-Lytton look like Shakespeare. Jim Theis' legendary novella butchers the English language and wallows in the blood -- and I defy anyone to read this story in one sitting without experiencing fatal brain meltage.
It is the story of Grignr (how do you say that anyway?), a barbarian who hacks'n'slashes his way to the city of Gorzam, "hoping to discover wine, women, and adventure to boil the wild blood coarsing through his savage veins." Yeah, whatever. So he starts a fight over some random "wench" in Gorzam, and ends up sitting in prison while a bunch of priests try to rape and sacrifice a girl. Of course, he starts causing trouble like all hot-blooded barbarians do.
Well, that's sort of the story -- if you can call it a story, which is difficult to do because frankly Theis seems to have made it up as he went along. Admittedly he was only sixteen when he wrote "Eye of Argon," but let's face it -- there isn't a single solitary SENTENCE in this book that doesn't make me want to stab myself in the brain with a fork.
Not that that's always a BAD thing. In fact, "Eye of Argon" is gutsplittingly funny and is used as a sort of genre joke.
Most of this comes from the way that Jim Theis... well, he did to the English language what Carthena does to the evil priest. Just look at the very first scene of the book. We've got a "misting brain," "grinding lungs" and "writhing mouths," not to mention "Grignr's emerald green orbs glared lustfully at the wallowing soldier." So, he's sexually attracted to the guy he just killed?
And it's like that ALL THROUGH THE BOOK. Random adjectives are slapped around (a girl has a "lithe, opaque nose"), verbs are slaughtered (Carthena "husked" a remark), adverbs are beaten senseless (how do you ask something "bustily?") and the dialogue may cause your eyeballs to bleed. Who could write a line like, "You make love well, wench"?
But let's be honest here -- this book would be a disaster even if Theis weren't that bad a writer -- the "plot" is incoherent and apparently made-up as it goes along, with absurd plot twists (killing people with a RAT PELVIS?) and long infodumps of boring blabber. What's more: it doesn't even have an end.
Even if they tried their hardest, most people couldn't write a story as hilariously, mind-blowingly horrible as "The Eye of Argon." Warning: if you read it, you might end up worming agonizingly as you utter a gasping gurgle.
(Where did my first review go)?
LOVED IT. On a word-choice level, absolutely the hilariously worst thing ever written. On some other levels, unfortunately I have *kind of* read worse? Because this is at least 1) short; 2) it follows the format of a typical Conan story, which it purported to emulate, and with the basic plot points and intended characterization, it could have been passable if written by someone who was not a complete fool.
I am sad that I cannot add this to my "self-published manatee abortion" bookshelf, because it was not self-published, if that is to be believed.
I will read the supplementary essays in [b:The Eye of Argon: Scholar's Ebook Edition|21836584|The Eye of Argon Scholar's Ebook Edition|Jim Theis|https://i.gr-assets.com/images/S/compressed.photo.goodreads.com/books/1397168761l/21836584._SX50_.jpg|2134961] at a later date, but at a glance, I strongly recommend them for anyone who is unfamiliar with this seminal work of fantasy, to understand how it cemented its place in literary history.
LOVED IT. On a word-choice level, absolutely the hilariously worst thing ever written. On some other levels, unfortunately I have *kind of* read worse? Because this is at least 1) short; 2) it follows the format of a typical Conan story, which it purported to emulate, and with the basic plot points and intended characterization, it could have been passable if written by someone who was not a complete fool.
I am sad that I cannot add this to my "self-published manatee abortion" bookshelf, because it was not self-published, if that is to be believed.
I will read the supplementary essays in [b:The Eye of Argon: Scholar's Ebook Edition|21836584|The Eye of Argon Scholar's Ebook Edition|Jim Theis|https://i.gr-assets.com/images/S/compressed.photo.goodreads.com/books/1397168761l/21836584._SX50_.jpg|2134961] at a later date, but at a glance, I strongly recommend them for anyone who is unfamiliar with this seminal work of fantasy, to understand how it cemented its place in literary history.
adventurous
funny
inspiring
fast-paced
I love this and regularly use this for drinking games and such. However, I’ve gotta say, literarily speaking, this is a mess
Enjoyable on the same level as The Room. Read it and listen along with the 372 Pages podcast
I honestly don't know how to rate this.
As a serious fantasy book, it is terrible beyond all reasoning.
As satire, it is possible the most hilarious thing I've ever come across in my life.
As a serious fantasy book, it is terrible beyond all reasoning.
As satire, it is possible the most hilarious thing I've ever come across in my life.
"Not everything needs an adjective."
I listened to an audio reading of this, it made this to be an interesting experience, and so I was spared the awful spelling and grammar which was replaced some hilarious commentary.
Stunning. High star rating because it's just so bad.
I listened to an audio reading of this, it made this to be an interesting experience, and so I was spared the awful spelling and grammar which was replaced some hilarious commentary.
Stunning. High star rating because it's just so bad.