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4.24 AVERAGE
4.24 AVERAGE
reflective
medium-paced
Prerequisite for human relationships and life in general. Required reading for all and to all a top night.
I loved this book!! And I recommend it anyone!
"Daring greatly is not about winning or losing. It's about courage. In a world where scarcity and shame dominate and feeling afraid has become second nature, vulnerability is subversive. Uncomfortable. It's even a little dangerous at times. And, without question, putting ourselves out there means there's a far greater risk of feeling hurt."
-Dr. Brene Brown, Daring Greatly
"Daring greatly is not about winning or losing. It's about courage. In a world where scarcity and shame dominate and feeling afraid has become second nature, vulnerability is subversive. Uncomfortable. It's even a little dangerous at times. And, without question, putting ourselves out there means there's a far greater risk of feeling hurt."
-Dr. Brene Brown, Daring Greatly
Truly one of the most important books I've ever read. Definitely one I will be reading again and again.
"In a world where scarcity and shame dominate and feeling afraid has become second nature, vulnerability is subversive. Uncomfortable. It's even a little dangerous at times. And, without question, putting ourselves out there means there's a far greater risk of feeling hurt. But as I look back on my own life and what Daring Greatly has meant to me, I can honestly say that nothing is as uncomfortable, dangerous, and hurtful as believing that I'm standing on the outside of my life looking in and wondering what it would be like if I had the courage to show up and let myself be seen."
"In a world where scarcity and shame dominate and feeling afraid has become second nature, vulnerability is subversive. Uncomfortable. It's even a little dangerous at times. And, without question, putting ourselves out there means there's a far greater risk of feeling hurt. But as I look back on my own life and what Daring Greatly has meant to me, I can honestly say that nothing is as uncomfortable, dangerous, and hurtful as believing that I'm standing on the outside of my life looking in and wondering what it would be like if I had the courage to show up and let myself be seen."
Again, this book emphasizes the importance of courage, showing up, how to be vulnerable and why it's important to living a Wholehearted life, and worthiness. This book shows how to incorporate the ideas into living life for yourself, then transferring this to leadership and parenting. I marked so many ideas that I didn't get to include them all here because I hit the character max.
"Vulnerability is not knowing victory or defeat, it's understanding the necessity of both; it's engaging. It's being all in." pg. 2
"Perfect and bulletproof are seductive, but they don't exist in the human experience. We must walk into the arena, whatever it may be--a new relationship, an important meeting, our creative process, or a difficult family conversation--with courage and the willingness to engage. Rather than sitting on the sidelines and hurling judgment and advice, we must dare to show up and let ourselves be seen. This is vulnerability. This is daring greatly." pg. 2
"At first glance these may seem like reasonable, if not predictable, developmental stages, but they were more than that for me. All of my stages were different suits of armor that kept me from becoming too engaged and too vulnerable. Each strategy was built on the same premise: Keep everyone at a safe distance and always have an exit strategy." pg. 7
"In The Gifts of Imperfection, I defined ten 'guideposts' for Wholehearted living that point to what the Wholehearted work to cultivate and what they work to let go of:
1. Cultivating Authenticity: Letting Go of What People Think
2. Cultivating Self-Compassion: Letting Go of Perfectionism
3. Cultivating a Resilient Spirit: Letting Go of Numbing and Powerlessness
4. Cultivating Gratitude and Joy: Letting Go of Scarcity and Fear of the Dark
5. Cultivating Intuition and Trusting Faith: Letting Go of the Need for Certainty
6. Cultivating Creativity: Letting Go of Comparison
7. Cultivating Play and Rest: Letting Go of Exhaustion as a Status Symbol and Productivity as Self-Worth
8. Cultivating Calm and Stillness: Letting Go of Anxiety as a Lifestyle
9. Cultivating Meaningful Work: Letting Go of Self-Doubt and 'Supposed To'
10. Cultivating Laughter, Song, and Dance: Letting Go of Being Cool and 'Always in Control'" pg. 9-10
"Wholehearted living is about engaging in our lives from a place of worthiness. It means cultivating the courage, compassion, and connection to wake up in the morning and think, No matter what gets done and how much is left undone, I am enough. It's going to bed at night thinking, Yes, I am imperfect and vulnerable and sometimes afraid, but that doesn't change the truth that I am also brave and worthy of love and belonging." pg. 10
"A strong belief in our worthiness doesn't just happen--it's cultivated when we understand the guideposts as choices and daily practices." pg. 11
"When it comes to parenting, the practice of framing mothers and fathers as good or bad is both rampant and corrosive--it turns parenting into a shame minefield. The real questions for parents should be: 'Are you engaged? Are you paying attention?' If so, plan to make lots of mistakes and bad decisions. Imperfect parenting moments turn into gifts as our children watch us try to figure out what went wrong and how we can do better next time. The mandate is not to be perfect and raise happy children. Perfection doesn't exist, and I've found that what makes children happy doesn't always prepare them to be courageous, engaged adults." pg. 15
"What we all share in common--what I've spent the past several years talking to leaders, parents, and educators about--is the truth that forms the very core of this book: What we know matters, but who we are matters more. Being rather than knowing requires showing up and letting ourselves be seen. It requires us to dare greatly, to be vulnerable. The first step of that journey is understanding where we are, what we're up against, and where we need to go. I think we can best do that by examining our pervasive 'Never Enough' culture." pg. 16
"The greatest casualties of a scarcity culture are our willingness to own our vulnerabilities and our ability to engage with the world from a place of worthiness." pg. 29
"The perception that vulnerability is weakness is the most widely accepted myth about vulnerability and the most dangerous. When we spend our lives pushing away and protecting ourselves from feeling vulnerable or from being perceived as too emotional, we feel contempt when others are less capable or willing to mask feelings, suck it up, and soldier on. We've come to the point where, rather than respecting and appreciating the courage and daring behind vulnerability, we let our fear and discomfort become judgment and criticism." pg. 33
"I define vulnerability as uncertainty, risk, and emotional exposure. With that definition in mind, let's think about love. Waking up every day and loving someone who may or may not love us back, whose safety we can't ensure, who may stay in our lives or may leave without a moment's notice, who may be loyal to the day they die or betray us tomorrow--that's vulnerability. Love is uncertain. It's incredibly risky. And loving someone leaves us emotionally exposed. Yes, it's scary and yes, we're open to being hurt, but can you imagine your life without loving or being loved?" pg. 34
"We love seeing raw truth and openness in other people, but we're afraid to let them see it in us. We're afraid that our truth isn't enough--that what we have to offer isn't enough without the bells and whistles, without editing, and impressing. . . Here's the crux of the struggle:
I want to experience your vulnerability but I don't want to be vulnerable.
Vulnerability is courage in you and inadequacy in me.
I'm drawn to your vulnerability but repelled by mine." pg. 41-42
"When we operate from the belief that we 'don't do vulnerability' it's extremely helpful to ask ourselves the following questions.
1. 'What do I do when I feel emotionally exposed?'
2. 'How do I behave when I'm feeling very uncomfortable and uncertain?'
3. 'How willing am I to take emotional risks?'" pg. 44
"Vulnerability is based on mutuality and requires boundaries and trust. It's not oversharing, it's not purging, it's not indiscriminate disclosure, and it's not celebrity-style social media information dumps. Vulnerability is about sharing our feelings and our experiences with people who have earned the right to hear them. Being vulnerable and open is mutual and an integral part of the trust-building process." pg. 45
"Vulnerability without boundaries leads to disconnection, distrust, and disengagement." pg. 46
". . .the vulnerability journey is not the kind of journey we can make alone. We need support. We need folks who will let us try on new ways of being without judging us. We need a hand to pull us up off the ground when we get kicked down in the arena (and if we live a courageous life, that will happen). Across the course of my research, participants were very clear about their need for support, encouragement, and sometimes professional help as they reengaged with vulnerability and their emotional lives. Most of us are good at giving help, but when it comes to vulnerability, we need to ask for help too." pg. 53
"I did believe that I could opt out of feeling vulnerable, so when it happened--when the phone rang with unimaginable news; or when I was scared; or when I loved so fiercely that rather than feeling gratitude and joy I could only prepare for loss--I controlled things. I managed situations and micromanaged the people around me. I performed until there was no energy left to feel. I made what was uncertain certain, no matter what the cost. I stayed so busy that the truth of my hurting and my fear could never catch up. I looked brave on the outside and felt scared on the inside." pg. 55
"Slowly I learned that this shield was too heavy to lug around, and that the only thing it really did was keep me from knowing myself and letting myself be known. The shield required that I stay small and quiet behind it so as not to draw attention to my imperfections and vulnerabilities. It was exhausting." pg. 55
"Nothing has transformed my life more than realizing that it's a waste of time to evaluate my worthiness by weighing the reaction of the people in the stands. The people who love me and will be there regardless of the outcome are within arm's reach." pg. 56
"Sharing something that you've created is a vulnerable but essential part of engaged and Wholehearted living. It's the epitome of daring greatly. But because of how you were raised or how you approach the world, you've knowingly or unknowingly attached your self-worth to how your product or art is received. In simple terms, if they love it, you're worthy; if they don't, you're worthless." pg. 63
"When our self-worth isn't on the line, we are far more willing to be courageous and risk sharing our raw talents and gifts. From my research with families, schools, and organizations, it's clear that shame-resilient cultures nurture folks who are much more open to soliciting, accepting, and incorporating feedback. These cultures also nurture engaged, tenacious people who expect to have to try and try again to get it right--people who are much more willing to get innovative and creative in their efforts." pg. 64
"There will be failures and mistakes and criticism. If we want to be able to move through the difficult disappointments, the hurt feelings, and the heartbreaks that are inevitable in a fully lived life, we can't equate defeat with being unworthy of love, belonging, and joy. If we do, we'll never show up and try again. Shame hangs out in the parking lot of the arena, waiting for us to come out defeated and determined to never take risks. It laughs and says, 'I told you this was a mistake. I knew you weren't _____ enough.' Shame resilience is the ability to say, 'This hurts. This is disappointing, maybe even devastating. But success and recognition and approval are not the values that drive me. My value is courage and I was just courageous. You can move on, shame.'" pg. 67
"There are a couple of very helpful ways to think about shame. First, shame is the fear of disconnection. We are psychologically, emotionally, cognitively, and spiritually hardwired for connection, love, and belonging. Connection, along with love and belonging (two expressions of connection), is why we are here, and it is what gives purpose and meaning to our lives. Shame is the fear of disconnection--it's the fear that something we've done or failed to do, an ideal that we've not lived up to, or a goal that we've not accomplished makes us unworthy of connection. I'm not worthy or good enough for love, belonging, or connection. I'm unlovable. I don't belong. Here's a definition of shame that emerged from my research: Shame is the intensely painful feeling or experience of believing that we are flawed and therefore unworthy of love and belonging." pg. 68-69
"In a 2011 study funded by the National Institute of Mental Health and by the National Institute on Drug Abuse, researchers found that, as far as the brain is concerned, physical pain and intense experiences of social rejection hurt in the same way. So when I define shame as an intensely 'painful' experience, I'm not kidding. Neuroscience advances confirm what we've known all along: Emotions can hurt and cause pain." pg. 71
"If we can share our story with someone who responds with empathy and understanding, shame can't survive. Self-compassion is also critically important, but because shame is a social concept--it happens between people--it also heals best between people. A social wound needs a social balm, and empathy is that balm. Self-compassion is key because when we're able to be gentle with ourselves in the midst of shame, we're more likely to reach out, connect, and experience empathy." pg. 75
"Empathy is connecting with the emotion that someone is experiencing, not the event or the circumstance." pg. 81
"Here's the painful pattern that emerged from my research with men: We ask them to be vulnerable, we beg them to let us in, and we plead with them to tell us when they're afraid, but the truth is that most women can't stomach it. In those moments when real vulnerability happens in men, most of us recoil with fear and that fear manifests as everything from disappointment to disgust. And men are very smart. They know the risks, and they see the look in our eyes when we're thinking, 'C'mon! Pull it together. Man up.'" pg. 95
"What's ironic (or perhaps natural) is that research tells us that we judge people in areas where we're vulnerable to shame, especially picking folks who are doing worse than we're doing. . . We're hard on each other because we're using each other as a launching pad out of our own perceived shaming deficiency." pg. 99
"Remembering that shame is the fear of disconnection--the fear that we're unlovable and don't belong--makes it easy to see why so many people in midlife overfocus on their children's lives, work sixty hours a week, or turn to affairs, addiction, and disengagement. We start to unravel. The expectations and messages that fuel shame keep us from fully realizing who we are as people." pg. 109
"As children we found ways to protect ourselves from vulnerability, from being hurt, diminished, and disappointed. We put on armor; we used our thoughts, emotions, and behaviors as weapons; and we learned how to make ourselves scarce, even to disappear. Now as adults we realize that to live with courage, purpose, and connection--to be the person whom we long to be--we must again be vulnerable. We must take off the armor, put down the weapons, show up, and let ourselves be seen." pg. 112
"In my work masks and armor are perfect metaphors for how we protect ourselves from the discomfort of vulnerability. Masks make us feel safer even when they become suffocating. Armor makes us feel stronger even when we grow weary from dragging the extra weight around. The irony is that when we're standing across from someone who is hidden or shielded by masks and armor, we feel frustrated and disconnected. That's the paradox here: Vulnerability is the last thing I want you to see in me, but the first thing I look for in you." pg. 113
"This lay at the core of every strategy illuminated by the research participants for freeing themselves from their armor:
- I am enough (worthiness versus shame).
- I've had enough (boundaries versus one-upping and comparison).
- Showing up, taking risks, and letting myself be seen is enough (engagement versus disengagement)." pg. 116
"[Regarding numbing in terms of Wholehearted living]:
1. Learning how to actually feel their feelings.
2. Staying mindful about numbing behaviors (they struggles too).
3. Learning how to lean into the discomfort of hard emotions." pg. 142
"As I asked more pointed questions about the choices and behaviors Wholehearted men and women made to reduce anxiety, they explained that reducing anxiety meant paying attention to how much they could do and how much was too much, and learning how to say, 'Enough.' They got very clear on what was important to them and when they could let something go." pg. 142
"Connection: Connection is the energy that is created between people when they feel seen, heard, and valued; when they can give and receive without judgement.
Belonging: Belonging is the innate human desire to be part of something larger than us. Because this yearning is so primal, we often try to acquire it by fitting in and by seeking approval, which are not only hollow substitutes for belonging, but often barriers to it. Because true belonging only happens when we present our authentic, imperfect selves to the world, our sense of belonging can never be greater than our level of self-acceptance." pg. 145-146
"Living a connected life ultimately is about setting boundaries, spending less time and energy hustling and winning over people who don't matter, and seeing the value of working on cultivating connection with family and close friends." pg. 146
"In her book The Life Organizer, Louden writes, 'Shadow comforts can take any form. It's not what you do; it's why you do it that makes the difference. You can eat a piece of chocolate as a holy wafer of sweetness--a real comfort--or you can cram an entire chocolate bar into your mouth without even tasting it in a frantic attempt to soothe yourself--a shadow comfort." pg. 146-147
"Are my choices comforting and nourishing my spirit, or are they temporary reprieves from vulnerability and difficult emotions ultimately diminishing my spirit? Are my choices leading to my Wholeheartedness, or do they leave me feeling empty and searching?" pg. 147
"What we don't see is that using vulnerability is not the same thing as being vulnerable; it's the opposite--it's armor." pg. 161
"If you recognize yourself in this shield, this checklist might help:
- Why am I sharing this?
- What outcome am I hoping for?
- What emotions am I experiencing?
- Do my intentions align with my values?
- Is there an outcome, response, or lack of a response that will hurt my feelings?
- Is this sharing in the service of connection?
- Am I genuinely asking the people in my life for what I need?" pg. 162-163
"Unlike floodlighting, which at least comes from a place of needing confirmation of our worthiness, [the smash and grab of] purported disclosure of vulnerability fees less real. I haven't interviewed enough people who engage in this behavior to fully understand the motivation, but what's emerged so far is attention seeking. Of course, worthiness issues can and do underpin attention seeking, but in our social media world, it's increasingly difficult to determine what's a real attempt to connect and what's performance. The only thing I do know is that it's not vulnerability." pg. 163
"'Serpentining' means trying to control a situation, backing out of it, pretending it's not happening, or maybe even pretending that you don't care. We use it to dodge conflict, discomfort, possible confrontation, the potential for shame or hurt, and/or criticism (self- or other-inflicted). Serpentining can lead to hiding out, pretending, avoidance, procrastination, rationalizing, blaming, and lying." pg. 165
"If we are the kind of people who 'don't do vulnerability,' there's nothing that makes us feel more threatened and more incited to attack and shame people than to see someone daring greatly. Someone else's daring provides an uncomfortable mirror that reflects back our own fears about showing up, creating, and letting ourselves be seen. That's why we come out swinging. When we see cruelty, vulnerability is likely to be the driver." pg. 167
"As organizational development pioneers Terrence Deal and Allan Kennedy explained it: 'Culture is the way we do things around here.' I like this definition because it rings true for discussions about all cultures--from the larger culture of scarcity. . .to a specific organizational culture, to the culture that defines my family." pg. 174
"1. How does the culture of 'never enough' affect our schools, organizations, and families?
2. How do we recognize and combat shame at work, school, and home?
3. What does minding the gap and daring greatly look like in schools, organizations, and families?" pg. 182
Book: borrowed from Skyline College Library.
"Vulnerability is not knowing victory or defeat, it's understanding the necessity of both; it's engaging. It's being all in." pg. 2
"Perfect and bulletproof are seductive, but they don't exist in the human experience. We must walk into the arena, whatever it may be--a new relationship, an important meeting, our creative process, or a difficult family conversation--with courage and the willingness to engage. Rather than sitting on the sidelines and hurling judgment and advice, we must dare to show up and let ourselves be seen. This is vulnerability. This is daring greatly." pg. 2
"At first glance these may seem like reasonable, if not predictable, developmental stages, but they were more than that for me. All of my stages were different suits of armor that kept me from becoming too engaged and too vulnerable. Each strategy was built on the same premise: Keep everyone at a safe distance and always have an exit strategy." pg. 7
"In The Gifts of Imperfection, I defined ten 'guideposts' for Wholehearted living that point to what the Wholehearted work to cultivate and what they work to let go of:
1. Cultivating Authenticity: Letting Go of What People Think
2. Cultivating Self-Compassion: Letting Go of Perfectionism
3. Cultivating a Resilient Spirit: Letting Go of Numbing and Powerlessness
4. Cultivating Gratitude and Joy: Letting Go of Scarcity and Fear of the Dark
5. Cultivating Intuition and Trusting Faith: Letting Go of the Need for Certainty
6. Cultivating Creativity: Letting Go of Comparison
7. Cultivating Play and Rest: Letting Go of Exhaustion as a Status Symbol and Productivity as Self-Worth
8. Cultivating Calm and Stillness: Letting Go of Anxiety as a Lifestyle
9. Cultivating Meaningful Work: Letting Go of Self-Doubt and 'Supposed To'
10. Cultivating Laughter, Song, and Dance: Letting Go of Being Cool and 'Always in Control'" pg. 9-10
"Wholehearted living is about engaging in our lives from a place of worthiness. It means cultivating the courage, compassion, and connection to wake up in the morning and think, No matter what gets done and how much is left undone, I am enough. It's going to bed at night thinking, Yes, I am imperfect and vulnerable and sometimes afraid, but that doesn't change the truth that I am also brave and worthy of love and belonging." pg. 10
"A strong belief in our worthiness doesn't just happen--it's cultivated when we understand the guideposts as choices and daily practices." pg. 11
"When it comes to parenting, the practice of framing mothers and fathers as good or bad is both rampant and corrosive--it turns parenting into a shame minefield. The real questions for parents should be: 'Are you engaged? Are you paying attention?' If so, plan to make lots of mistakes and bad decisions. Imperfect parenting moments turn into gifts as our children watch us try to figure out what went wrong and how we can do better next time. The mandate is not to be perfect and raise happy children. Perfection doesn't exist, and I've found that what makes children happy doesn't always prepare them to be courageous, engaged adults." pg. 15
"What we all share in common--what I've spent the past several years talking to leaders, parents, and educators about--is the truth that forms the very core of this book: What we know matters, but who we are matters more. Being rather than knowing requires showing up and letting ourselves be seen. It requires us to dare greatly, to be vulnerable. The first step of that journey is understanding where we are, what we're up against, and where we need to go. I think we can best do that by examining our pervasive 'Never Enough' culture." pg. 16
"The greatest casualties of a scarcity culture are our willingness to own our vulnerabilities and our ability to engage with the world from a place of worthiness." pg. 29
"The perception that vulnerability is weakness is the most widely accepted myth about vulnerability and the most dangerous. When we spend our lives pushing away and protecting ourselves from feeling vulnerable or from being perceived as too emotional, we feel contempt when others are less capable or willing to mask feelings, suck it up, and soldier on. We've come to the point where, rather than respecting and appreciating the courage and daring behind vulnerability, we let our fear and discomfort become judgment and criticism." pg. 33
"I define vulnerability as uncertainty, risk, and emotional exposure. With that definition in mind, let's think about love. Waking up every day and loving someone who may or may not love us back, whose safety we can't ensure, who may stay in our lives or may leave without a moment's notice, who may be loyal to the day they die or betray us tomorrow--that's vulnerability. Love is uncertain. It's incredibly risky. And loving someone leaves us emotionally exposed. Yes, it's scary and yes, we're open to being hurt, but can you imagine your life without loving or being loved?" pg. 34
"We love seeing raw truth and openness in other people, but we're afraid to let them see it in us. We're afraid that our truth isn't enough--that what we have to offer isn't enough without the bells and whistles, without editing, and impressing. . . Here's the crux of the struggle:
I want to experience your vulnerability but I don't want to be vulnerable.
Vulnerability is courage in you and inadequacy in me.
I'm drawn to your vulnerability but repelled by mine." pg. 41-42
"When we operate from the belief that we 'don't do vulnerability' it's extremely helpful to ask ourselves the following questions.
1. 'What do I do when I feel emotionally exposed?'
2. 'How do I behave when I'm feeling very uncomfortable and uncertain?'
3. 'How willing am I to take emotional risks?'" pg. 44
"Vulnerability is based on mutuality and requires boundaries and trust. It's not oversharing, it's not purging, it's not indiscriminate disclosure, and it's not celebrity-style social media information dumps. Vulnerability is about sharing our feelings and our experiences with people who have earned the right to hear them. Being vulnerable and open is mutual and an integral part of the trust-building process." pg. 45
"Vulnerability without boundaries leads to disconnection, distrust, and disengagement." pg. 46
". . .the vulnerability journey is not the kind of journey we can make alone. We need support. We need folks who will let us try on new ways of being without judging us. We need a hand to pull us up off the ground when we get kicked down in the arena (and if we live a courageous life, that will happen). Across the course of my research, participants were very clear about their need for support, encouragement, and sometimes professional help as they reengaged with vulnerability and their emotional lives. Most of us are good at giving help, but when it comes to vulnerability, we need to ask for help too." pg. 53
"I did believe that I could opt out of feeling vulnerable, so when it happened--when the phone rang with unimaginable news; or when I was scared; or when I loved so fiercely that rather than feeling gratitude and joy I could only prepare for loss--I controlled things. I managed situations and micromanaged the people around me. I performed until there was no energy left to feel. I made what was uncertain certain, no matter what the cost. I stayed so busy that the truth of my hurting and my fear could never catch up. I looked brave on the outside and felt scared on the inside." pg. 55
"Slowly I learned that this shield was too heavy to lug around, and that the only thing it really did was keep me from knowing myself and letting myself be known. The shield required that I stay small and quiet behind it so as not to draw attention to my imperfections and vulnerabilities. It was exhausting." pg. 55
"Nothing has transformed my life more than realizing that it's a waste of time to evaluate my worthiness by weighing the reaction of the people in the stands. The people who love me and will be there regardless of the outcome are within arm's reach." pg. 56
"Sharing something that you've created is a vulnerable but essential part of engaged and Wholehearted living. It's the epitome of daring greatly. But because of how you were raised or how you approach the world, you've knowingly or unknowingly attached your self-worth to how your product or art is received. In simple terms, if they love it, you're worthy; if they don't, you're worthless." pg. 63
"When our self-worth isn't on the line, we are far more willing to be courageous and risk sharing our raw talents and gifts. From my research with families, schools, and organizations, it's clear that shame-resilient cultures nurture folks who are much more open to soliciting, accepting, and incorporating feedback. These cultures also nurture engaged, tenacious people who expect to have to try and try again to get it right--people who are much more willing to get innovative and creative in their efforts." pg. 64
"There will be failures and mistakes and criticism. If we want to be able to move through the difficult disappointments, the hurt feelings, and the heartbreaks that are inevitable in a fully lived life, we can't equate defeat with being unworthy of love, belonging, and joy. If we do, we'll never show up and try again. Shame hangs out in the parking lot of the arena, waiting for us to come out defeated and determined to never take risks. It laughs and says, 'I told you this was a mistake. I knew you weren't _____ enough.' Shame resilience is the ability to say, 'This hurts. This is disappointing, maybe even devastating. But success and recognition and approval are not the values that drive me. My value is courage and I was just courageous. You can move on, shame.'" pg. 67
"There are a couple of very helpful ways to think about shame. First, shame is the fear of disconnection. We are psychologically, emotionally, cognitively, and spiritually hardwired for connection, love, and belonging. Connection, along with love and belonging (two expressions of connection), is why we are here, and it is what gives purpose and meaning to our lives. Shame is the fear of disconnection--it's the fear that something we've done or failed to do, an ideal that we've not lived up to, or a goal that we've not accomplished makes us unworthy of connection. I'm not worthy or good enough for love, belonging, or connection. I'm unlovable. I don't belong. Here's a definition of shame that emerged from my research: Shame is the intensely painful feeling or experience of believing that we are flawed and therefore unworthy of love and belonging." pg. 68-69
"In a 2011 study funded by the National Institute of Mental Health and by the National Institute on Drug Abuse, researchers found that, as far as the brain is concerned, physical pain and intense experiences of social rejection hurt in the same way. So when I define shame as an intensely 'painful' experience, I'm not kidding. Neuroscience advances confirm what we've known all along: Emotions can hurt and cause pain." pg. 71
"If we can share our story with someone who responds with empathy and understanding, shame can't survive. Self-compassion is also critically important, but because shame is a social concept--it happens between people--it also heals best between people. A social wound needs a social balm, and empathy is that balm. Self-compassion is key because when we're able to be gentle with ourselves in the midst of shame, we're more likely to reach out, connect, and experience empathy." pg. 75
"Empathy is connecting with the emotion that someone is experiencing, not the event or the circumstance." pg. 81
"Here's the painful pattern that emerged from my research with men: We ask them to be vulnerable, we beg them to let us in, and we plead with them to tell us when they're afraid, but the truth is that most women can't stomach it. In those moments when real vulnerability happens in men, most of us recoil with fear and that fear manifests as everything from disappointment to disgust. And men are very smart. They know the risks, and they see the look in our eyes when we're thinking, 'C'mon! Pull it together. Man up.'" pg. 95
"What's ironic (or perhaps natural) is that research tells us that we judge people in areas where we're vulnerable to shame, especially picking folks who are doing worse than we're doing. . . We're hard on each other because we're using each other as a launching pad out of our own perceived shaming deficiency." pg. 99
"Remembering that shame is the fear of disconnection--the fear that we're unlovable and don't belong--makes it easy to see why so many people in midlife overfocus on their children's lives, work sixty hours a week, or turn to affairs, addiction, and disengagement. We start to unravel. The expectations and messages that fuel shame keep us from fully realizing who we are as people." pg. 109
"As children we found ways to protect ourselves from vulnerability, from being hurt, diminished, and disappointed. We put on armor; we used our thoughts, emotions, and behaviors as weapons; and we learned how to make ourselves scarce, even to disappear. Now as adults we realize that to live with courage, purpose, and connection--to be the person whom we long to be--we must again be vulnerable. We must take off the armor, put down the weapons, show up, and let ourselves be seen." pg. 112
"In my work masks and armor are perfect metaphors for how we protect ourselves from the discomfort of vulnerability. Masks make us feel safer even when they become suffocating. Armor makes us feel stronger even when we grow weary from dragging the extra weight around. The irony is that when we're standing across from someone who is hidden or shielded by masks and armor, we feel frustrated and disconnected. That's the paradox here: Vulnerability is the last thing I want you to see in me, but the first thing I look for in you." pg. 113
"This lay at the core of every strategy illuminated by the research participants for freeing themselves from their armor:
- I am enough (worthiness versus shame).
- I've had enough (boundaries versus one-upping and comparison).
- Showing up, taking risks, and letting myself be seen is enough (engagement versus disengagement)." pg. 116
"[Regarding numbing in terms of Wholehearted living]:
1. Learning how to actually feel their feelings.
2. Staying mindful about numbing behaviors (they struggles too).
3. Learning how to lean into the discomfort of hard emotions." pg. 142
"As I asked more pointed questions about the choices and behaviors Wholehearted men and women made to reduce anxiety, they explained that reducing anxiety meant paying attention to how much they could do and how much was too much, and learning how to say, 'Enough.' They got very clear on what was important to them and when they could let something go." pg. 142
"Connection: Connection is the energy that is created between people when they feel seen, heard, and valued; when they can give and receive without judgement.
Belonging: Belonging is the innate human desire to be part of something larger than us. Because this yearning is so primal, we often try to acquire it by fitting in and by seeking approval, which are not only hollow substitutes for belonging, but often barriers to it. Because true belonging only happens when we present our authentic, imperfect selves to the world, our sense of belonging can never be greater than our level of self-acceptance." pg. 145-146
"Living a connected life ultimately is about setting boundaries, spending less time and energy hustling and winning over people who don't matter, and seeing the value of working on cultivating connection with family and close friends." pg. 146
"In her book The Life Organizer, Louden writes, 'Shadow comforts can take any form. It's not what you do; it's why you do it that makes the difference. You can eat a piece of chocolate as a holy wafer of sweetness--a real comfort--or you can cram an entire chocolate bar into your mouth without even tasting it in a frantic attempt to soothe yourself--a shadow comfort." pg. 146-147
"Are my choices comforting and nourishing my spirit, or are they temporary reprieves from vulnerability and difficult emotions ultimately diminishing my spirit? Are my choices leading to my Wholeheartedness, or do they leave me feeling empty and searching?" pg. 147
"What we don't see is that using vulnerability is not the same thing as being vulnerable; it's the opposite--it's armor." pg. 161
"If you recognize yourself in this shield, this checklist might help:
- Why am I sharing this?
- What outcome am I hoping for?
- What emotions am I experiencing?
- Do my intentions align with my values?
- Is there an outcome, response, or lack of a response that will hurt my feelings?
- Is this sharing in the service of connection?
- Am I genuinely asking the people in my life for what I need?" pg. 162-163
"Unlike floodlighting, which at least comes from a place of needing confirmation of our worthiness, [the smash and grab of] purported disclosure of vulnerability fees less real. I haven't interviewed enough people who engage in this behavior to fully understand the motivation, but what's emerged so far is attention seeking. Of course, worthiness issues can and do underpin attention seeking, but in our social media world, it's increasingly difficult to determine what's a real attempt to connect and what's performance. The only thing I do know is that it's not vulnerability." pg. 163
"'Serpentining' means trying to control a situation, backing out of it, pretending it's not happening, or maybe even pretending that you don't care. We use it to dodge conflict, discomfort, possible confrontation, the potential for shame or hurt, and/or criticism (self- or other-inflicted). Serpentining can lead to hiding out, pretending, avoidance, procrastination, rationalizing, blaming, and lying." pg. 165
"If we are the kind of people who 'don't do vulnerability,' there's nothing that makes us feel more threatened and more incited to attack and shame people than to see someone daring greatly. Someone else's daring provides an uncomfortable mirror that reflects back our own fears about showing up, creating, and letting ourselves be seen. That's why we come out swinging. When we see cruelty, vulnerability is likely to be the driver." pg. 167
"As organizational development pioneers Terrence Deal and Allan Kennedy explained it: 'Culture is the way we do things around here.' I like this definition because it rings true for discussions about all cultures--from the larger culture of scarcity. . .to a specific organizational culture, to the culture that defines my family." pg. 174
"1. How does the culture of 'never enough' affect our schools, organizations, and families?
2. How do we recognize and combat shame at work, school, and home?
3. What does minding the gap and daring greatly look like in schools, organizations, and families?" pg. 182
Book: borrowed from Skyline College Library.
challenging
emotional
funny
hopeful
informative
reflective
medium-paced
hopeful
informative
inspiring
medium-paced
This one is hard to rate. Amazing TED talk, love her message, but it felt very repetitive and rambling as a full book.
I have zero memory of reading this book in 2016, but I am really glad I listened to it in 2019. Now that I've listened to Brene Brown narrate "Rising Strong," the narrator here is a bit disappointing, but the integration of qualitative research and practical, inspirational help for how to manage emotions, lean into discomfort, connect deeply with others, and own your own story (rather than give your power away to others and allow their narratives to control you) is powerful. You know it's not just blustery "you can do it" bullshit / inspirational rhetoric without substance. These ideas are generated from real experiences-- human conditions that recur often enough to be statistically significant and reveal quantifiable patterns.
informative
inspiring
medium-paced