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pixiepages's review against another edition
3.0
This book was just okay. It definitely had some valid points and some things to incorporate into your daily life. For the most part it did seem like common sense advice.
sarahanne8382's review against another edition
5.0
This one was a game changer for me.
Tiffany Dufu tackles the seemingly unimportant issue of logistics in managing a home, a problem that seems to especially plague ambitious working women who are part of what they thought was an egalitarian partnership. The book goes back and forth between Dufu's personal story (which is kind of great on audio because she reads it) and those of women she's met who are similarly struggling to "drop the ball" and research studies she's well familiar with as a professional fundraiser for various organizations advancing prospects for women and girls.
The problem, she argues, isn't so much that our husbands don't help out enough around the house, it's more that, despite knowing the importance of our careers outside the home, we still unconsciously feel that our value is tied to the state of our home and we're losing our minds because, as we know all too well, it's impossible to both work full-time at home and full-time outside the home and do both well.
Once you understand that the pressure to be "perfect" at home is mostly in your head or a construct of society, it's easier to hear her further points, that often our standards at home are often unrealistic and our husband's don't help for many reasons, but a big one is because we're constantly criticizing them for not meeting our unrealistic expectations.
The other big one is that just as we're unconsciously sticking to the perfect homemaker role, our husband's weren't raised to believe that the home would be their responsibility one day and so it simply doesn't occur to them the sheer number of things that need to be managed to run a home efficiently.
Until this point I was mostly just enjoying her story because I could identify with the broad points she was making and her personal observations were hilarious (she actually left her husband instructions reminding him to feed their toddler 3 meals/day). What really made me a believer of the relevance and practicability of her book, though, was when she started to talk about their chore chart.
Many couples can identify the problem that wives take on too much work, but when it actually comes to fixing it, that's where things break down. Like Dufu, I'm often confounded that my husband can't simply see the tasks that need to be completed on his own. If I still have to tell him what to do, then I'm still in charge of everything. She explains that our differing communication styles often make this challenging, so what she and her husband did was create a spreadsheet listing all the household responsibilities and assigned them to a person who would be wholly responsible for that task (and sometimes they mutually decided that a task wasn't worth doing and assigned it to "nobody"). Her humorous story about letting the mail pile up for 3 months while her husband was away on business was funny but also illustrated how she trusted her husband to complete the tasks he was responsible for. Once he realized that she wasn't going to swoop in if he did it wrong or got behind, he never let the mail pile up for 3 months again.
Her arguments especially make sense to me when I think of the exceptions in my life. The friends of mine who don't struggle with this generally grew up in homes either where Mom wasn't the obvious de facto head of the household, Dad was much more involved in household management than usual, or the children, regardless of gender, were required to help around the house.
While I took a lot of practical specifics away from this book, she also frames things in a more general way, talking about the importance of diverse viewpoints everywhere (more women in C-suites and more men at home) and how progress of women into the highest levels of management has really stalled and how more progressive work policies for women are only part of the problem. We need to make it easier for men to be involved at home, both by changing societal perceptions that taking time off for family obligations is proof you don't care about your career and changing the ways we divvy up work at home, so that men and women equally share the burden.
There were just so many good things in this book I'm afraid I'm going to leave something out. It's just so so so so good!
Tiffany Dufu tackles the seemingly unimportant issue of logistics in managing a home, a problem that seems to especially plague ambitious working women who are part of what they thought was an egalitarian partnership. The book goes back and forth between Dufu's personal story (which is kind of great on audio because she reads it) and those of women she's met who are similarly struggling to "drop the ball" and research studies she's well familiar with as a professional fundraiser for various organizations advancing prospects for women and girls.
The problem, she argues, isn't so much that our husbands don't help out enough around the house, it's more that, despite knowing the importance of our careers outside the home, we still unconsciously feel that our value is tied to the state of our home and we're losing our minds because, as we know all too well, it's impossible to both work full-time at home and full-time outside the home and do both well.
Once you understand that the pressure to be "perfect" at home is mostly in your head or a construct of society, it's easier to hear her further points, that often our standards at home are often unrealistic and our husband's don't help for many reasons, but a big one is because we're constantly criticizing them for not meeting our unrealistic expectations.
The other big one is that just as we're unconsciously sticking to the perfect homemaker role, our husband's weren't raised to believe that the home would be their responsibility one day and so it simply doesn't occur to them the sheer number of things that need to be managed to run a home efficiently.
Until this point I was mostly just enjoying her story because I could identify with the broad points she was making and her personal observations were hilarious (she actually left her husband instructions reminding him to feed their toddler 3 meals/day). What really made me a believer of the relevance and practicability of her book, though, was when she started to talk about their chore chart.
Many couples can identify the problem that wives take on too much work, but when it actually comes to fixing it, that's where things break down. Like Dufu, I'm often confounded that my husband can't simply see the tasks that need to be completed on his own. If I still have to tell him what to do, then I'm still in charge of everything. She explains that our differing communication styles often make this challenging, so what she and her husband did was create a spreadsheet listing all the household responsibilities and assigned them to a person who would be wholly responsible for that task (and sometimes they mutually decided that a task wasn't worth doing and assigned it to "nobody"). Her humorous story about letting the mail pile up for 3 months while her husband was away on business was funny but also illustrated how she trusted her husband to complete the tasks he was responsible for. Once he realized that she wasn't going to swoop in if he did it wrong or got behind, he never let the mail pile up for 3 months again.
Her arguments especially make sense to me when I think of the exceptions in my life. The friends of mine who don't struggle with this generally grew up in homes either where Mom wasn't the obvious de facto head of the household, Dad was much more involved in household management than usual, or the children, regardless of gender, were required to help around the house.
While I took a lot of practical specifics away from this book, she also frames things in a more general way, talking about the importance of diverse viewpoints everywhere (more women in C-suites and more men at home) and how progress of women into the highest levels of management has really stalled and how more progressive work policies for women are only part of the problem. We need to make it easier for men to be involved at home, both by changing societal perceptions that taking time off for family obligations is proof you don't care about your career and changing the ways we divvy up work at home, so that men and women equally share the burden.
There were just so many good things in this book I'm afraid I'm going to leave something out. It's just so so so so good!
maryvarn's review against another edition
5.0
I'm not a mother nor am I nearly as ambitious as Tiffany Dufu in my career or in my home. But I still related to this a lot. I would recommend this to anyone who has struggled with issues of household management in relationships, regardless of gender.
Note, I never read Lean In, so I can't say if this is new ground or builds on that or what.
I listened to the audio version of this, as read by the author, and she did a great job.
Note, I never read Lean In, so I can't say if this is new ground or builds on that or what.
I listened to the audio version of this, as read by the author, and she did a great job.
kimball_hansen's review against another edition
2.0
2.5 stars. I'm one of the few men that have read this book. It wasn't that great tbh. The author was passive aggressive which got annoying, especially as this book was way too long than it needed to be. She dropped the ball on that one (and not in a good way). She vented a ton about marriage instead of getting down and making her point. The solution is much simpler than she made it seem. Men and women couples need to agree and share duties or delegate. When you understand that men and women are wired differently then you can be less frustrated with the opposite sex.
She did note that women tend to micromanage the home which is a problem on their end. If women didn't want to do the majority of the housework then they simply wouldn't be doing it. And yes, I do know that some men will intentionally do a poor job their wife has them do because they know the wife will take over for them. That's where "Dropping the ball" comes into play. My take on that when wives don't trust their husbands then they just enable their bad behavior of not pulling their weight.It doesn't come from society's expectations of men being so low, it is the wives. So men live up to that. Just simple principles taught by Dr. [a:Wayne W. Dyer|2960|Wayne W. Dyer|https://images.gr-assets.com/authors/1231508105p2/2960.jpg].
But I can see where she's coming from, after all, her husband only gave her a hug on their wedding day instead of a kiss. How weird is that?
Note to self: when she mentions HCD it means Home Controlled Disease.
If you want to learn more on "Dropping the Ball, then save yourself several hours, put down this book and instead read this good talk by Patricia Holland.
Apparently the best country for women is Iceland. I did learn that it is the safest country for a lone woman to travel abroad to.
She did note that women tend to micromanage the home which is a problem on their end. If women didn't want to do the majority of the housework then they simply wouldn't be doing it. And yes, I do know that some men will intentionally do a poor job their wife has them do because they know the wife will take over for them. That's where "Dropping the ball" comes into play. My take on that when wives don't trust their husbands then they just enable their bad behavior of not pulling their weight.It doesn't come from society's expectations of men being so low, it is the wives. So men live up to that. Just simple principles taught by Dr. [a:Wayne W. Dyer|2960|Wayne W. Dyer|https://images.gr-assets.com/authors/1231508105p2/2960.jpg].
But I can see where she's coming from, after all, her husband only gave her a hug on their wedding day instead of a kiss. How weird is that?
Note to self: when she mentions HCD it means Home Controlled Disease.
If you want to learn more on "Dropping the Ball, then save yourself several hours, put down this book and instead read this good talk by Patricia Holland.
Apparently the best country for women is Iceland. I did learn that it is the safest country for a lone woman to travel abroad to.
ello_mehry's review against another edition
3.0
Books like these are always interesting to read. No book is going to be everything to everyone, but I related to many of her thoughts as she struggled to run a home and succeed at work. It did seem like her husband was supportive and willing to help, which ultimately helped make her life easier (though I did roll my eyes at delegating with joy, as if a man can't just be told to take out the garbage and instead be asked like a child). What if no one wants to clean the floors? Does it just never get done? Yeah, no. Someone ultimately has to do it. I did like her approach to asking for help from others and building a network of people you can count on. It was a little long and repetitive in places, but overall I enjoyed the read and will take a few things away from it. I was recommended this book to read when I began thinking about starting a life with someone. I can see why it was on the list, but it wasn't groundbreaking in any way.
stralins's review against another edition
4.0
I really enjoyed this but it’s not where I’m at (definitely for womyn with kids or kids on the way).
cjfiebert's review against another edition
4.0
I really liked this book. It definitely helped me put some things in perspective and have me useful tips for my life.
One flaw, which is completely understandable, is that Tiffany writes of her experience as a married mother on the path to becoming an executive in business. There's definitely party's of this book that are a little lost on me as someone who has no desire to follow an executive career path and I'm sure there are more parts that would be lost on a woman who is single and can't just ask a partner to pick up slack.
Overall though, I like the book and it definitely helped me focus myself a bit more.
One flaw, which is completely understandable, is that Tiffany writes of her experience as a married mother on the path to becoming an executive in business. There's definitely party's of this book that are a little lost on me as someone who has no desire to follow an executive career path and I'm sure there are more parts that would be lost on a woman who is single and can't just ask a partner to pick up slack.
Overall though, I like the book and it definitely helped me focus myself a bit more.