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3 reviews for:
A Model for Marriage: Covenant, Grace, Empowerment and Intimacy
Judith K. Balswick, Jack O. Balswick
3.7 AVERAGE
3 reviews for:
A Model for Marriage: Covenant, Grace, Empowerment and Intimacy
Judith K. Balswick, Jack O. Balswick
3.7 AVERAGE
This is a strong book on Christian marriage. The authors' overall thesis is that marriage should be like the Trinity: united, but differentiated, avoiding both the heresies of tritheism (too much independence) and modalism (too much enmeshment / only one actual "person"). This is a useful analogy not just for marriage, but for many types of relationships in life, and a welcome counterpoint to the many Christian books on marriage that essentially teach an enmeshment or modalistic model of marriage. The authors avoid the classic heresy of Trinitarian subordinationism (embraced by a disturbing number of evangelicals today), so hierarchy does not enter their Trinitarian model of marriage. (Note: it is possible to both view marriage as hierarchical and reject Trinitarian subordinationism, but I digress.) Instead, their model of marriage is role-based and gift-based.
The material on differentiation and healing from past family traumas is incredibly useful. The authors have realistic ideas about what the average American (and therefore, Christian) family will look like: dual-income with shared roles. They are also reasonable about the fact that a couple may be bringing a sexual history to their marriage, either through pre-marital activity or divorce or widow(er)hood, which is a pleasant surprise in a Christian book on marriage. They have advice for blended families, and advice on blending personality types (granted, many would say Myers-Briggs is pseudo-science). They even have a short section on interfaith marriages, which was even more surprising, although I found it a bit lacking in practical advice (what church do evangelical Kathy and Roman Catholic Keith attend??). Nevertheless, it is further evidence that the authors are in-tune with the reality of life for American families, many of which are not homogeneously one religion.
Why 4 stars out of 5 then? The section in chapter 13 on infidelity was a huge disappointment. It is a section that is bereft of actual biblical teaching, and like so much evangelical literature on marriage, it treats infidelity as a relatively minor faux pas that a couple can work through with a little bit of forgiveness and elbow-grease. But infidelity is not minor, and there is a reason Scripture makes it clear that divorce is an appropriate, even godly, response to infidelity (Jer 3:8, Matt 1:19, 5:32). Infidelity is abuse, and it is an act of marital arson. It must be treated with the utmost severity and seriousness.
The spouse who has been cheated on needs to be counseled to only pursue reconciliation if his/her spouse is displaying full contrition and transparency. They should be counseled that anywhere from 22% - 55% of adulterers have repeat affairs, so if they do choose reconciliation, the nightmare stands a reasonable chance of recurring. They should consult with a lawyer and seek a postnup if they don't already have a prenup, and they should get tested for STDs, especially if they are female---a woman can literally get cervical cancer if her adulterous husband gives her HPV (!). If the faithful spouse is a man, he should inquire about whether his children are biologically his and perform a paternity test if there is any doubt. The faithful spouse should absolutely and in no way participate in couple's counseling, at least not initially; you should *never* go to couple's counseling with an abusive spouse, and any therapist who tells you otherwise is a quack. RUN. Instead, they should seek individual therapy as needed for the care of his or her own mental health. Finally, they should be counseled that a divorce is appropriate and biblical if the faithful spouse so desires. If the adulterous spouse continues to lie about the details of the affair, resists signing a postnup, or has another affair, then the marriage is not a good candidate for reconciliation. And the faithful spouse absolutely does *not* have to "forgive and also consider their part in the relationship dynamic," as this book says; that's forgiveness-shaming and victim-blaming. Forgiveness comes when the victim is ready for it, and while there may be things in the marriage to work on, we are *never* responsible for another person abusing us.
The adulterous spouse needs to be counseled to be fully transparent about the affair. All pertinent parties (including affair partner spouses / girlfriends / boyfriends) *must* be informed of the affair; in my experience, most supposedly repentant adulterous Christians are very eager to skip this step, which shows they were never really all that repentant to begin with. All parties need to get tested for STDs, and if the affair has produced children outside of the marriage or if there is any chance that the faithful husband's children are not biologically his, that must be addressed. Most of all, the repentant Christian adulterer should be counseled that if his/her spouse wants a divorce, it should be granted willingly, with a generous and reasonable marital settlement. If the faithful spouse is willing to attempt reconciliation, then a postnup should be signed. Finally, the adulterous spouse should undergo individual therapy to address the character defects that led to the affair. The adulterous Christian spouse who balks at these common sense steps outs himself / herself as not actually repentant.
(Note: I strongly recommend David Derksen's book *Cheated On* for a responsible Christian view on surviving infidelity.)
Obviously virtually none of this advice is offered by the Balswicks. They do say that infidelity is a choice, and they do say that the adulterous spouse must be willing to discuss the affair as much as the faithful spouse needs, but those are the most positive things that they say in the section on infidelity. The rest is just, "Yes, infidelity is rough" and "go to couple's counseling," which is ghastly advice.
The Balswicks are correct that "Affairs do not have to be the death toll of the marriage!," but reconciliation is definitely a "proceed with caution" situation, and the Balswicks are far too casual in their recommendations here. The section on infidelity is only a small part of the book, but it's also a serious misfire.
I provide this thorough constructive feedback in the hopes that it will be a help should the book ever be updated and revised, or that it may help other Christians looking to write on marriage. In fairness to the Balswicks, I would probably be dissatisfied with 98% of evangelical writings on infidelity. Nevertheless, I urge Christian marital counselors to reform their teaching when it comes to infidelity. It should be taken very seriously, and practical advice should be the order of the day, not quixotic platitudes about forgiveness.
The material on differentiation and healing from past family traumas is incredibly useful. The authors have realistic ideas about what the average American (and therefore, Christian) family will look like: dual-income with shared roles. They are also reasonable about the fact that a couple may be bringing a sexual history to their marriage, either through pre-marital activity or divorce or widow(er)hood, which is a pleasant surprise in a Christian book on marriage. They have advice for blended families, and advice on blending personality types (granted, many would say Myers-Briggs is pseudo-science). They even have a short section on interfaith marriages, which was even more surprising, although I found it a bit lacking in practical advice (what church do evangelical Kathy and Roman Catholic Keith attend??). Nevertheless, it is further evidence that the authors are in-tune with the reality of life for American families, many of which are not homogeneously one religion.
Why 4 stars out of 5 then? The section in chapter 13 on infidelity was a huge disappointment. It is a section that is bereft of actual biblical teaching, and like so much evangelical literature on marriage, it treats infidelity as a relatively minor faux pas that a couple can work through with a little bit of forgiveness and elbow-grease. But infidelity is not minor, and there is a reason Scripture makes it clear that divorce is an appropriate, even godly, response to infidelity (Jer 3:8, Matt 1:19, 5:32). Infidelity is abuse, and it is an act of marital arson. It must be treated with the utmost severity and seriousness.
The spouse who has been cheated on needs to be counseled to only pursue reconciliation if his/her spouse is displaying full contrition and transparency. They should be counseled that anywhere from 22% - 55% of adulterers have repeat affairs, so if they do choose reconciliation, the nightmare stands a reasonable chance of recurring. They should consult with a lawyer and seek a postnup if they don't already have a prenup, and they should get tested for STDs, especially if they are female---a woman can literally get cervical cancer if her adulterous husband gives her HPV (!). If the faithful spouse is a man, he should inquire about whether his children are biologically his and perform a paternity test if there is any doubt. The faithful spouse should absolutely and in no way participate in couple's counseling, at least not initially; you should *never* go to couple's counseling with an abusive spouse, and any therapist who tells you otherwise is a quack. RUN. Instead, they should seek individual therapy as needed for the care of his or her own mental health. Finally, they should be counseled that a divorce is appropriate and biblical if the faithful spouse so desires. If the adulterous spouse continues to lie about the details of the affair, resists signing a postnup, or has another affair, then the marriage is not a good candidate for reconciliation. And the faithful spouse absolutely does *not* have to "forgive and also consider their part in the relationship dynamic," as this book says; that's forgiveness-shaming and victim-blaming. Forgiveness comes when the victim is ready for it, and while there may be things in the marriage to work on, we are *never* responsible for another person abusing us.
The adulterous spouse needs to be counseled to be fully transparent about the affair. All pertinent parties (including affair partner spouses / girlfriends / boyfriends) *must* be informed of the affair; in my experience, most supposedly repentant adulterous Christians are very eager to skip this step, which shows they were never really all that repentant to begin with. All parties need to get tested for STDs, and if the affair has produced children outside of the marriage or if there is any chance that the faithful husband's children are not biologically his, that must be addressed. Most of all, the repentant Christian adulterer should be counseled that if his/her spouse wants a divorce, it should be granted willingly, with a generous and reasonable marital settlement. If the faithful spouse is willing to attempt reconciliation, then a postnup should be signed. Finally, the adulterous spouse should undergo individual therapy to address the character defects that led to the affair. The adulterous Christian spouse who balks at these common sense steps outs himself / herself as not actually repentant.
(Note: I strongly recommend David Derksen's book *Cheated On* for a responsible Christian view on surviving infidelity.)
Obviously virtually none of this advice is offered by the Balswicks. They do say that infidelity is a choice, and they do say that the adulterous spouse must be willing to discuss the affair as much as the faithful spouse needs, but those are the most positive things that they say in the section on infidelity. The rest is just, "Yes, infidelity is rough" and "go to couple's counseling," which is ghastly advice.
The Balswicks are correct that "Affairs do not have to be the death toll of the marriage!," but reconciliation is definitely a "proceed with caution" situation, and the Balswicks are far too casual in their recommendations here. The section on infidelity is only a small part of the book, but it's also a serious misfire.
I provide this thorough constructive feedback in the hopes that it will be a help should the book ever be updated and revised, or that it may help other Christians looking to write on marriage. In fairness to the Balswicks, I would probably be dissatisfied with 98% of evangelical writings on infidelity. Nevertheless, I urge Christian marital counselors to reform their teaching when it comes to infidelity. It should be taken very seriously, and practical advice should be the order of the day, not quixotic platitudes about forgiveness.
Very helpful in understanding marriage - especially, for me, the chapter on marriage in different seasons.
Very helpful in understanding marriage - especially, for me, the chapter on marriage in different seasons.