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melodyseestrees's review
hopeful
informative
inspiring
reflective
medium-paced
4.5
This has plenty of information about asexuality and it best serves as a starting point to learning. There is some nuance within conversations about asexuality and differing experiences under the same label. I wish there was a bit more exploration into those people who are entirely sex-repulsed or sex-negative. It feels like a lot of detail went into sex-positive and sex-neutral before going "eh some people just hate sex."
The writing style was just okay. It isn't the most grabbing but there are moments that resonated with me. I managed to enjoy the read despite a few organizational quirks.
The writing style was just okay. It isn't the most grabbing but there are moments that resonated with me. I managed to enjoy the read despite a few organizational quirks.
Content Warnings
Graphic: Ableism, Acephobia/Arophobia, and Sexual content
Moderate: Racism, Rape, and Sexual assault
Minor: Gaslighting
_alias_ali's review against another edition
challenging
informative
inspiring
medium-paced
3.75
overall i'm glad i read this book. i learned a bunch of new things about asexuality, aces, and myself (i'm allo). i especially liked the chapter about sex-positivity in contemporary feminism. her perspective on feeling like a 'real feminist' needing to be very sexual (ly liberated) was new and important to me. i also appreciated the look at the intersectionality of asexuality.
some things i stumbled upon/found problematic were:
- the author reproducing harmful virginity narratives and not once questioning them while she questions so many other sexual narratives in this book about questioning societal sexual narratives??
- her very badly chosen examples of _passionate non-sexual relationships_ that had some unnecessary connection to MURDER?? very unlucky choices and one didn't even have anything to do with asexuality. (especially since she does criticize the harmful typecasting of aces as heartless sociopaths but then partakes in it as well tho implicitly?)
-the book imtroduces many many names of people and i got them mixed up easily. their experiences are thrown in at random places in the text when i had already forgotten about their introduction
anyway, i still really did enjoy this read and took a lot away from it, and be it the need for further exploration and discussion of socially constructed narratives of sexuality and relationships.
some things i stumbled upon/found problematic were:
- the author reproducing harmful virginity narratives and not once questioning them while she questions so many other sexual narratives in this book about questioning societal sexual narratives??
- her very badly chosen examples of _passionate non-sexual relationships_ that had some unnecessary connection to MURDER?? very unlucky choices and one didn't even have anything to do with asexuality. (especially since she does criticize the harmful typecasting of aces as heartless sociopaths but then partakes in it as well tho implicitly?)
-the book imtroduces many many names of people and i got them mixed up easily. their experiences are thrown in at random places in the text when i had already forgotten about their introduction
anyway, i still really did enjoy this read and took a lot away from it, and be it the need for further exploration and discussion of socially constructed narratives of sexuality and relationships.
Content Warnings
Graphic: Acephobia/Arophobia
Moderate: Murder, Ableism, Rape, Sexism, and Sexual violence
dreamerfreak's review against another edition
informative
inspiring
slow-paced
4.5
Content Warnings
Minor: Acephobia/Arophobia and Sexual violence
hellavaral's review against another edition
challenging
informative
reflective
medium-paced
4.0
Content Warnings
Moderate: Acephobia/Arophobia, Racism, and Ableism
Minor: Rape
iridiscent's review against another edition
emotional
hopeful
informative
inspiring
reflective
medium-paced
4.25
Content Warnings
Graphic: Acephobia/Arophobia
enybub's review against another edition
I felt there wasn't much sensitivity with the writing, it really needed content warnings. One second it would be describing the love of friendships and the next it would be describing a literal murder scene.
It gave me a bad impression with discussing "male asexuality" at the forefront of the book. At one point the author said something like, "Not to be an incel apologist.." which I believe she would not have to say if she wasn't being an incel apologist 😅 (she was)
I was disappointed with this because it was reccomended to me a lot. It is not all bad, just kind of all over the place, which happened to be a lot of bad places.
It gave me a bad impression with discussing "male asexuality" at the forefront of the book. At one point the author said something like, "Not to be an incel apologist.." which I believe she would not have to say if she wasn't being an incel apologist 😅 (she was)
I was disappointed with this because it was reccomended to me a lot. It is not all bad, just kind of all over the place, which happened to be a lot of bad places.
Content Warnings
Graphic: Acephobia/Arophobia, Dysphoria, Murder, and Sexual content
pandemonicbaby's review
informative
inspiring
reflective
medium-paced
5.0
I really enjoyed this book! I thought it was a very interesting read on sexuality in general and how asexuality brings a new perspective to our understanding of society (and social expectations) and intimacy, both on a broader and on an individual level.
It presented and described many different ace experiences, which just goes to show how no one community is homogenous, and how people are able to find different ways of finding love and happiness in their own existence.
This book also helped me reevaluate my own relationship with sexuality, and reflect upon how much of it has been molded by societal expectations and fear. This read has made me maybe a little bit less scared of maybe not conforming to what society expects of me, and of looking for intimacy in relationships in the way *i* want to have intimacy in relationships; not in the way societal expectations have told me to.
It presented and described many different ace experiences, which just goes to show how no one community is homogenous, and how people are able to find different ways of finding love and happiness in their own existence.
This book also helped me reevaluate my own relationship with sexuality, and reflect upon how much of it has been molded by societal expectations and fear. This read has made me maybe a little bit less scared of maybe not conforming to what society expects of me, and of looking for intimacy in relationships in the way *i* want to have intimacy in relationships; not in the way societal expectations have told me to.
Content Warnings
Graphic: Acephobia/Arophobia
Moderate: Sexual content, Sexual violence, and Medical trauma
Minor: Pregnancy, Sexual harassment, Dementia, Pedophilia, Sexual assault, Murder, Rape, Misogyny, Panic attacks/disorders, and Toxic relationship
celestepaed's review against another edition
emotional
hopeful
informative
inspiring
reflective
medium-paced
4.5
The beginning of the book was a little hard to get through because it was a lot of information I already knew but I feel like I’m walking away from this book with a better understanding of myself. There’s a special kind of security that comes from validation and that’s exactly what this book gifted me. One of the better parts of this book is that it’s perfect for if you’re already ace identifying or someone who is looking to better understand their relationship to sex or to better understand the meaning of asexuality with no prior knowledge on the subject.
Content Warnings
Moderate: Acephobia/Arophobia
Minor: Rape, Medical content, Emotional abuse, Gaslighting, Medical trauma, Ableism, Sexism, Sexual content, and Toxic relationship
shirarweiss's review against another edition
informative
reflective
fast-paced
4.0
This was fascinating and encouraged me to challenge beliefs I didn’t even realize I had. I will be thinking about this one for a while. I enjoyed the personal stories most. It covered so much ground in relatively short chapters, and I feel like the topics of each chapter could be their own book; it was an excellent primer on asexuality and left me wanting more.
Content Warnings
Graphic: Acephobia/Arophobia
theaceofpages's review
medium-paced
2.5
I feel really bad for rating this book so low because education about asexuality is so important. But I found myself getting frustrated at several points. I'm going to write a review now but I might come back and add to it later. I feel like she covers a lot of important points but I found myself wishing that it had just been a book about compulsory sexuality (which it mostly was) since I didn't particularly enjoy the parts where she talks about herself (she keeps justifying why she ha sex with her boyfriend and often gets repetitive or off track). I'd say that this book is a good exploration of compulsory sexuality but I wouldn't necessarily send people here to learn about asexuality (although there aren't many options...) as this part feels very fragmented between the stronger thread of components of the harms of society's expectations around sex.
But anyway. Some of the things that annoyed me:
Firstly. The dedication. It made me uncomfortable as it very much plays into compulsory sexuality. Many of us don't feel like we are lacking anything because we don't experience sexual attraction. I have never wanted "more" because I am not missing something...
This is a big one because it's a trend I've seen a lot on the online asexual community. Whenever she mentions repulsed people (of which I am one) she has to go one to remind the reader that asexual can have and enjoy sex. Yes, there is a spectrum, but as someone who has had unwanted advanced because of the constant emphasis on neutral and favourable people (no hate to you!) I wish that repulsion could just stand by itself sometimes rather than a prelude to some kind of "but there are others not like THEM".
The author states several times that she's maybe not 100% confident in her sexuality. And this is perfectly okay. But maybe then put more focus on other people instead of trying to justify yourself to the reader?
The false equivalences. No means no doesn't mean that there isn't a range of consents. People saying rape is violence rather than sex doesn't mean that all sex is good.
It jumps around a lot. She'll mention "person X from place Y" in multiple very split up places and it's difficult to keep track of individual stories.
I didn't like the part about aro people and QPRs. It wasn't particularly clear and I often found it to be contradictory. And why, just why would you use killers to introduce this theme??? Aro people are already stereotypically pained as all kinds of negative related things.
The whole discussion about HSDD. Is it a problem that asexual people are diagnosed? Yes. I agree with that. But does that mean it shouldn't exist? No? Of course not? If people are genuinely distressed by their lack of desire (which is separate from attraction anyway?) they should have a way forward and diagnoses can help with that. Don't tell allos it isn't helpful and that maybe they should consider identifying as ace or just get over it instead. Does compulsory sexuality feed into this in a bad way? Of course. But that doesn't mean it's not helpful.
She criticises the asexual community for being too white and goes on to focus on a very small subset (white, middle class, largely American, etc). I mean, at least she was upfront about it but this could have been such a great opportunity to uplift the voices she feels are being drowned out. I also find it troubling that she presents a lot of it as truths. As someone who is from a very different part of the world I can tell you I've had very different experiences. The fact that she states what she's found as the absolute truth is... let's just say not good. Since she has never met a gold star asexual (i.e. no other reasons to not be having sex and never having wanted it) she concludes they can't exist. I have met a handful of aces (far fewer than her since she did research and reached out) and I can tell you they do. While maybe people being so certain about who they are may make others feel confused about their identity it doesn't mean we should be erasing these experiences (especially since most people confident in their asexuality doesn't even use it to belittle others???)
Anyway, I'm going to leave this for now. I had to delay writing this for internet reasons so I may be back later if I remember something else.
But anyway. Some of the things that annoyed me:
Firstly. The dedication. It made me uncomfortable as it very much plays into compulsory sexuality. Many of us don't feel like we are lacking anything because we don't experience sexual attraction. I have never wanted "more" because I am not missing something...
This is a big one because it's a trend I've seen a lot on the online asexual community. Whenever she mentions repulsed people (of which I am one) she has to go one to remind the reader that asexual can have and enjoy sex. Yes, there is a spectrum, but as someone who has had unwanted advanced because of the constant emphasis on neutral and favourable people (no hate to you!) I wish that repulsion could just stand by itself sometimes rather than a prelude to some kind of "but there are others not like THEM".
The author states several times that she's maybe not 100% confident in her sexuality. And this is perfectly okay. But maybe then put more focus on other people instead of trying to justify yourself to the reader?
The false equivalences. No means no doesn't mean that there isn't a range of consents. People saying rape is violence rather than sex doesn't mean that all sex is good.
It jumps around a lot. She'll mention "person X from place Y" in multiple very split up places and it's difficult to keep track of individual stories.
I didn't like the part about aro people and QPRs. It wasn't particularly clear and I often found it to be contradictory. And why, just why would you use killers to introduce this theme??? Aro people are already stereotypically pained as all kinds of negative related things.
The whole discussion about HSDD. Is it a problem that asexual people are diagnosed? Yes. I agree with that. But does that mean it shouldn't exist? No? Of course not? If people are genuinely distressed by their lack of desire (which is separate from attraction anyway?) they should have a way forward and diagnoses can help with that. Don't tell allos it isn't helpful and that maybe they should consider identifying as ace or just get over it instead. Does compulsory sexuality feed into this in a bad way? Of course. But that doesn't mean it's not helpful.
She criticises the asexual community for being too white and goes on to focus on a very small subset (white, middle class, largely American, etc). I mean, at least she was upfront about it but this could have been such a great opportunity to uplift the voices she feels are being drowned out. I also find it troubling that she presents a lot of it as truths. As someone who is from a very different part of the world I can tell you I've had very different experiences. The fact that she states what she's found as the absolute truth is... let's just say not good. Since she has never met a gold star asexual (i.e. no other reasons to not be having sex and never having wanted it) she concludes they can't exist. I have met a handful of aces (far fewer than her since she did research and reached out) and I can tell you they do. While maybe people being so certain about who they are may make others feel confused about their identity it doesn't mean we should be erasing these experiences (especially since most people confident in their asexuality doesn't even use it to belittle others???)
Anyway, I'm going to leave this for now. I had to delay writing this for internet reasons so I may be back later if I remember something else.
Content Warnings
Graphic: Acephobia/Arophobia and Ableism
Moderate: Murder, Transphobia, Medical trauma, Sexual assault, Sexual content, and Racism
Minor: Rape