Scan barcode
_alias_ali's review against another edition
challenging
informative
inspiring
medium-paced
3.75
overall i'm glad i read this book. i learned a bunch of new things about asexuality, aces, and myself (i'm allo). i especially liked the chapter about sex-positivity in contemporary feminism. her perspective on feeling like a 'real feminist' needing to be very sexual (ly liberated) was new and important to me. i also appreciated the look at the intersectionality of asexuality.
some things i stumbled upon/found problematic were:
- the author reproducing harmful virginity narratives and not once questioning them while she questions so many other sexual narratives in this book about questioning societal sexual narratives??
- her very badly chosen examples of _passionate non-sexual relationships_ that had some unnecessary connection to MURDER?? very unlucky choices and one didn't even have anything to do with asexuality. (especially since she does criticize the harmful typecasting of aces as heartless sociopaths but then partakes in it as well tho implicitly?)
-the book imtroduces many many names of people and i got them mixed up easily. their experiences are thrown in at random places in the text when i had already forgotten about their introduction
anyway, i still really did enjoy this read and took a lot away from it, and be it the need for further exploration and discussion of socially constructed narratives of sexuality and relationships.
some things i stumbled upon/found problematic were:
- the author reproducing harmful virginity narratives and not once questioning them while she questions so many other sexual narratives in this book about questioning societal sexual narratives??
- her very badly chosen examples of _passionate non-sexual relationships_ that had some unnecessary connection to MURDER?? very unlucky choices and one didn't even have anything to do with asexuality. (especially since she does criticize the harmful typecasting of aces as heartless sociopaths but then partakes in it as well tho implicitly?)
-the book imtroduces many many names of people and i got them mixed up easily. their experiences are thrown in at random places in the text when i had already forgotten about their introduction
anyway, i still really did enjoy this read and took a lot away from it, and be it the need for further exploration and discussion of socially constructed narratives of sexuality and relationships.
Content Warnings
Graphic: Acephobia/Arophobia
Moderate: Murder, Ableism, Rape, Sexism, and Sexual violence
enybub's review against another edition
I felt there wasn't much sensitivity with the writing, it really needed content warnings. One second it would be describing the love of friendships and the next it would be describing a literal murder scene.
It gave me a bad impression with discussing "male asexuality" at the forefront of the book. At one point the author said something like, "Not to be an incel apologist.." which I believe she would not have to say if she wasn't being an incel apologist 😅 (she was)
I was disappointed with this because it was reccomended to me a lot. It is not all bad, just kind of all over the place, which happened to be a lot of bad places.
It gave me a bad impression with discussing "male asexuality" at the forefront of the book. At one point the author said something like, "Not to be an incel apologist.." which I believe she would not have to say if she wasn't being an incel apologist 😅 (she was)
I was disappointed with this because it was reccomended to me a lot. It is not all bad, just kind of all over the place, which happened to be a lot of bad places.
Content Warnings
Graphic: Acephobia/Arophobia, Dysphoria, Murder, and Sexual content
pandemonicbaby's review
informative
inspiring
reflective
medium-paced
5.0
I really enjoyed this book! I thought it was a very interesting read on sexuality in general and how asexuality brings a new perspective to our understanding of society (and social expectations) and intimacy, both on a broader and on an individual level.
It presented and described many different ace experiences, which just goes to show how no one community is homogenous, and how people are able to find different ways of finding love and happiness in their own existence.
This book also helped me reevaluate my own relationship with sexuality, and reflect upon how much of it has been molded by societal expectations and fear. This read has made me maybe a little bit less scared of maybe not conforming to what society expects of me, and of looking for intimacy in relationships in the way *i* want to have intimacy in relationships; not in the way societal expectations have told me to.
It presented and described many different ace experiences, which just goes to show how no one community is homogenous, and how people are able to find different ways of finding love and happiness in their own existence.
This book also helped me reevaluate my own relationship with sexuality, and reflect upon how much of it has been molded by societal expectations and fear. This read has made me maybe a little bit less scared of maybe not conforming to what society expects of me, and of looking for intimacy in relationships in the way *i* want to have intimacy in relationships; not in the way societal expectations have told me to.
Content Warnings
Graphic: Acephobia/Arophobia
Moderate: Sexual content, Sexual violence, and Medical trauma
Minor: Pregnancy, Sexual harassment, Dementia, Pedophilia, Sexual assault, Murder, Rape, Misogyny, Panic attacks/disorders, and Toxic relationship
theaceofpages's review
medium-paced
2.5
I feel really bad for rating this book so low because education about asexuality is so important. But I found myself getting frustrated at several points. I'm going to write a review now but I might come back and add to it later. I feel like she covers a lot of important points but I found myself wishing that it had just been a book about compulsory sexuality (which it mostly was) since I didn't particularly enjoy the parts where she talks about herself (she keeps justifying why she ha sex with her boyfriend and often gets repetitive or off track). I'd say that this book is a good exploration of compulsory sexuality but I wouldn't necessarily send people here to learn about asexuality (although there aren't many options...) as this part feels very fragmented between the stronger thread of components of the harms of society's expectations around sex.
But anyway. Some of the things that annoyed me:
Firstly. The dedication. It made me uncomfortable as it very much plays into compulsory sexuality. Many of us don't feel like we are lacking anything because we don't experience sexual attraction. I have never wanted "more" because I am not missing something...
This is a big one because it's a trend I've seen a lot on the online asexual community. Whenever she mentions repulsed people (of which I am one) she has to go one to remind the reader that asexual can have and enjoy sex. Yes, there is a spectrum, but as someone who has had unwanted advanced because of the constant emphasis on neutral and favourable people (no hate to you!) I wish that repulsion could just stand by itself sometimes rather than a prelude to some kind of "but there are others not like THEM".
The author states several times that she's maybe not 100% confident in her sexuality. And this is perfectly okay. But maybe then put more focus on other people instead of trying to justify yourself to the reader?
The false equivalences. No means no doesn't mean that there isn't a range of consents. People saying rape is violence rather than sex doesn't mean that all sex is good.
It jumps around a lot. She'll mention "person X from place Y" in multiple very split up places and it's difficult to keep track of individual stories.
I didn't like the part about aro people and QPRs. It wasn't particularly clear and I often found it to be contradictory. And why, just why would you use killers to introduce this theme??? Aro people are already stereotypically pained as all kinds of negative related things.
The whole discussion about HSDD. Is it a problem that asexual people are diagnosed? Yes. I agree with that. But does that mean it shouldn't exist? No? Of course not? If people are genuinely distressed by their lack of desire (which is separate from attraction anyway?) they should have a way forward and diagnoses can help with that. Don't tell allos it isn't helpful and that maybe they should consider identifying as ace or just get over it instead. Does compulsory sexuality feed into this in a bad way? Of course. But that doesn't mean it's not helpful.
She criticises the asexual community for being too white and goes on to focus on a very small subset (white, middle class, largely American, etc). I mean, at least she was upfront about it but this could have been such a great opportunity to uplift the voices she feels are being drowned out. I also find it troubling that she presents a lot of it as truths. As someone who is from a very different part of the world I can tell you I've had very different experiences. The fact that she states what she's found as the absolute truth is... let's just say not good. Since she has never met a gold star asexual (i.e. no other reasons to not be having sex and never having wanted it) she concludes they can't exist. I have met a handful of aces (far fewer than her since she did research and reached out) and I can tell you they do. While maybe people being so certain about who they are may make others feel confused about their identity it doesn't mean we should be erasing these experiences (especially since most people confident in their asexuality doesn't even use it to belittle others???)
Anyway, I'm going to leave this for now. I had to delay writing this for internet reasons so I may be back later if I remember something else.
But anyway. Some of the things that annoyed me:
Firstly. The dedication. It made me uncomfortable as it very much plays into compulsory sexuality. Many of us don't feel like we are lacking anything because we don't experience sexual attraction. I have never wanted "more" because I am not missing something...
This is a big one because it's a trend I've seen a lot on the online asexual community. Whenever she mentions repulsed people (of which I am one) she has to go one to remind the reader that asexual can have and enjoy sex. Yes, there is a spectrum, but as someone who has had unwanted advanced because of the constant emphasis on neutral and favourable people (no hate to you!) I wish that repulsion could just stand by itself sometimes rather than a prelude to some kind of "but there are others not like THEM".
The author states several times that she's maybe not 100% confident in her sexuality. And this is perfectly okay. But maybe then put more focus on other people instead of trying to justify yourself to the reader?
The false equivalences. No means no doesn't mean that there isn't a range of consents. People saying rape is violence rather than sex doesn't mean that all sex is good.
It jumps around a lot. She'll mention "person X from place Y" in multiple very split up places and it's difficult to keep track of individual stories.
I didn't like the part about aro people and QPRs. It wasn't particularly clear and I often found it to be contradictory. And why, just why would you use killers to introduce this theme??? Aro people are already stereotypically pained as all kinds of negative related things.
The whole discussion about HSDD. Is it a problem that asexual people are diagnosed? Yes. I agree with that. But does that mean it shouldn't exist? No? Of course not? If people are genuinely distressed by their lack of desire (which is separate from attraction anyway?) they should have a way forward and diagnoses can help with that. Don't tell allos it isn't helpful and that maybe they should consider identifying as ace or just get over it instead. Does compulsory sexuality feed into this in a bad way? Of course. But that doesn't mean it's not helpful.
She criticises the asexual community for being too white and goes on to focus on a very small subset (white, middle class, largely American, etc). I mean, at least she was upfront about it but this could have been such a great opportunity to uplift the voices she feels are being drowned out. I also find it troubling that she presents a lot of it as truths. As someone who is from a very different part of the world I can tell you I've had very different experiences. The fact that she states what she's found as the absolute truth is... let's just say not good. Since she has never met a gold star asexual (i.e. no other reasons to not be having sex and never having wanted it) she concludes they can't exist. I have met a handful of aces (far fewer than her since she did research and reached out) and I can tell you they do. While maybe people being so certain about who they are may make others feel confused about their identity it doesn't mean we should be erasing these experiences (especially since most people confident in their asexuality doesn't even use it to belittle others???)
Anyway, I'm going to leave this for now. I had to delay writing this for internet reasons so I may be back later if I remember something else.
Content Warnings
Graphic: Acephobia/Arophobia and Ableism
Moderate: Murder, Transphobia, Medical trauma, Sexual assault, Sexual content, and Racism
Minor: Rape
samchase112's review against another edition
hopeful
informative
fast-paced
4.5
Part cultural analysis, part introduction to asexuality and aromanticism, this is a well-written, well-researched exploration of sexuality in modern culture — mixed with experiences of people who identify as asexual. I knew this would be a fascinating, eye-opening read, and it lived up to those expectations. I hope this book continues to reach more people and educate, because this is an aspect of our culture that — as this book illustrates so clearly — needs to be understood on a wider scale.
Content Warnings
Moderate: Deportation, Sexism, Rape, Death, Murder, Sexual assault, and Sexual content
Minor: Religious bigotry, Terminal illness, Medical content, Homophobia, Toxic relationship, Panic attacks/disorders, and Transphobia
neonpomegranate's review against another edition
informative
slow-paced
1.0
This topic needs and deserves a well written and thoughtful book, but this isn't it. The author doesn't understand that books are maps, especially this type of book that's trying to be a resource. Books are maps in the sense that they point to previous writers, activists, and thinkers, and curious readers will follow those trails, read those works. Unfortunately, this book uncritically creates a map to huge numbers of disgusting terfs. There is no question in my mind that the existence of this book is going to lead to more people becoming horrifying transphobes. I'm sure the author didn't mean to do that, but nonetheless that's what this is. It was extremely painful to read uncritical and often flattering references to the most infamous terfs of the past.
The author also undermines her own points constantly - for example she says aromantics are often seen as unfeeling and dangerous, and yet in the same chapter she muses that some famous murderers must have been aromantic. What?!? The book is full of harmful and bafflingly illogical collections of thoughts that create meanings that seem to be outside of the author’s stated intent over and over. This writer seems to lack any ability to imagine how a narrative or idea is built.
I just looked this author up and saw she's a science journalist and I'm shocked. This is not the writing of someone who thinks systematically or knows how to write at all. This book maybe could have been ok if it had a rigorous editor, which I hear basically no longer exists as a standard part of publishing.
My friend who asked me to read this is ace and trans, as am I. They loved feeling seen in the book. They’re also extremely naive and lack critical reading skills - something I’ve seen up close many times. They are exactly who I’m scared this book will harm in self-hating, shameful, long term ways.
Ace is unreadably bad. The ace community deserves a much better book than this ghastly, transphobic thing.
The author also undermines her own points constantly - for example she says aromantics are often seen as unfeeling and dangerous, and yet in the same chapter she muses that some famous murderers must have been aromantic. What?!? The book is full of harmful and bafflingly illogical collections of thoughts that create meanings that seem to be outside of the author’s stated intent over and over. This writer seems to lack any ability to imagine how a narrative or idea is built.
I just looked this author up and saw she's a science journalist and I'm shocked. This is not the writing of someone who thinks systematically or knows how to write at all. This book maybe could have been ok if it had a rigorous editor, which I hear basically no longer exists as a standard part of publishing.
My friend who asked me to read this is ace and trans, as am I. They loved feeling seen in the book. They’re also extremely naive and lack critical reading skills - something I’ve seen up close many times. They are exactly who I’m scared this book will harm in self-hating, shameful, long term ways.
Ace is unreadably bad. The ace community deserves a much better book than this ghastly, transphobic thing.
Content Warnings
Graphic: Murder and Transphobia
Transphobic through and throughmalachinelson's review against another edition
hopeful
informative
inspiring
medium-paced
5.0
Gives an incredibly broad overview of asexuality from the perspectives of various genders, race, race, ability, political movements, and age. Incredibly ambitious book which delivers. A good balance of memoir and reporting.
Content Warnings
Graphic: Acephobia/Arophobia
Moderate: Acephobia/Arophobia, Racism, and Murder
pastelkerstin's review
informative
inspiring
medium-paced
5.0
[For context: I'm asexual and somewhere on the aromantic spectrum. This is an ownvoice review.]
This book fills a previous gap of non-fiction about asexuality that goes beyond mere Asexuality 101 (definition of asexuality, busting of common misconceptions) but that is still accessible to a broader audience. It has deservedly become the go-to rec for people looking for non-fiction books about asexuality.
In terms of non-fiction about asexuality, I've previously read Ace and Proud: An Asexual Anthology, which is mostly made up of ace people talking about their personal experiences, and it's fine for what it is, but as an anthology, it doesn't have an overarching structure. And then there was also Sex or Ice cream?: Secrets of an Asexual; Asexuality in a Sexed Up World—A Thought-Provoking and Comically Quirky Memoir, a memoir I strongly disliked for several reasons (see my review of it for details). Another non-fiction book about asexuality that I have started to read (and intend on finishing) is the more academic Asexual Erotics: Intimate Readings of Compulsory Sexuality. But ACE is different from all of those books and if you are a) not ace but want to learn more about asexuality and how it relates to other topics, b) questioning whether you are ace, or c) are ace and are tired of Asexuality 101 explanations, I'd say read ACE. It's a good introduction to asexuality if you need that but it also has so much more in store. I've known I'm asexual for over eight years. I'm not interested in basic definitions anymore. I'm interested in intersectionality and politics and the complexity of human relationships. I'm interested in analyses of how being a-spec in a world where you are assumed to be attracted to people romantically and sexually shapes your life. And ACE delivers just that.
Chen manages to cover quite a lot of ground in the pages of this books, talking about toxic masculinity, feminism, race, disability, compulsory sexuality, the pathologization of low/no sexual attraction, hermeneutical injustice, relationships, marriage law, consent and more, and how those topics relate to asexual people but also to many non-aces. A lot of the things ace activists fight for are things that would also benefit other people, who do not identify as a-spec, because ace activism often gets to the core of societal problems. I believe you will get something out of this book even if you're not ace for that reason as well.
Also, it should be noted that despite the title, the author also talks about aromanticism. She interviewed not only aroace but also aromantic allosexual people. Most of the book is more concerned with asexuality, so the branding makes sense, but there is a-spec content beyond and seperate from asexuality in here, which I think is great because aromanticism is often overlooked.
I really enjoyed my time with this book and I hope that we'll see even more good non-fiction about a-spec themes in the future. A lot of the topics that Chen mentions are so big and interesting that they could probably fill a whole book on their own. I think the topic of how asexuality intersects with gender roles and gender identity would be a great book, for example. Books like Chen's make me optimistic about the future of a-spec activism and literature!
This book fills a previous gap of non-fiction about asexuality that goes beyond mere Asexuality 101 (definition of asexuality, busting of common misconceptions) but that is still accessible to a broader audience. It has deservedly become the go-to rec for people looking for non-fiction books about asexuality.
In terms of non-fiction about asexuality, I've previously read Ace and Proud: An Asexual Anthology, which is mostly made up of ace people talking about their personal experiences, and it's fine for what it is, but as an anthology, it doesn't have an overarching structure. And then there was also Sex or Ice cream?: Secrets of an Asexual; Asexuality in a Sexed Up World—A Thought-Provoking and Comically Quirky Memoir, a memoir I strongly disliked for several reasons (see my review of it for details). Another non-fiction book about asexuality that I have started to read (and intend on finishing) is the more academic Asexual Erotics: Intimate Readings of Compulsory Sexuality. But ACE is different from all of those books and if you are a) not ace but want to learn more about asexuality and how it relates to other topics, b) questioning whether you are ace, or c) are ace and are tired of Asexuality 101 explanations, I'd say read ACE. It's a good introduction to asexuality if you need that but it also has so much more in store. I've known I'm asexual for over eight years. I'm not interested in basic definitions anymore. I'm interested in intersectionality and politics and the complexity of human relationships. I'm interested in analyses of how being a-spec in a world where you are assumed to be attracted to people romantically and sexually shapes your life. And ACE delivers just that.
Chen manages to cover quite a lot of ground in the pages of this books, talking about toxic masculinity, feminism, race, disability, compulsory sexuality, the pathologization of low/no sexual attraction, hermeneutical injustice, relationships, marriage law, consent and more, and how those topics relate to asexual people but also to many non-aces. A lot of the things ace activists fight for are things that would also benefit other people, who do not identify as a-spec, because ace activism often gets to the core of societal problems. I believe you will get something out of this book even if you're not ace for that reason as well.
Also, it should be noted that despite the title, the author also talks about aromanticism. She interviewed not only aroace but also aromantic allosexual people. Most of the book is more concerned with asexuality, so the branding makes sense, but there is a-spec content beyond and seperate from asexuality in here, which I think is great because aromanticism is often overlooked.
I really enjoyed my time with this book and I hope that we'll see even more good non-fiction about a-spec themes in the future. A lot of the topics that Chen mentions are so big and interesting that they could probably fill a whole book on their own. I think the topic of how asexuality intersects with gender roles and gender identity would be a great book, for example. Books like Chen's make me optimistic about the future of a-spec activism and literature!
Content Warnings
Moderate: Ableism, Acephobia/Arophobia, Medical trauma, Racism, Sexism, Sexual content, and Misogyny
Minor: Bullying, Dysphoria, Medical content, Panic attacks/disorders, Pregnancy, Rape, Sexual assault, Sexual harassment, Sexual violence, Toxic relationship, Transphobia, Murder, Death, and Death of parent
leahlovesloslibros's review against another edition
informative
reflective
medium-paced
3.5
While I don't think I was really in the right mindset for this book at the time of reading it, I still appreciated it. I have been actively trying to learn more about the aro/ace community for awhile now, and part of that included wanting to read this book.
I liked that there were different peoples' accounts of their personal experience(s) with aromanticism and asexuality, as well as connections to both research and popular culture. The variety of sources made for a well-rounded read, plus it was evident that the author really did their research. Some chapters were more engaging than others, and I definitely found myself nodding my head or even vocalizing my thoughts or agreement many times while listening.
Another facet of this book that made it a very interesting read was that it focused a lot on intersectionality. The more I read and learn and expand my knowledge of intersectionality, the more I am coming to really appreciate that rarely does any person experience life through only one lens - whether it be their perception of the world or others' perception(s) of them. Intersectionality needs to be discussed much more, and become widespread knowledge, in my opinion. This book did a great job of weaving aromantic and/or asexual experiences with other forms of minority status, including a focus on individuals with disabilities, which was very eye-opening for me.
Even the expert on asexuality could learn something from this book. Although I'm only rating it 3.5
stars (due to not being in the right head space to read it right now, otherwise it would probably be a 4 star read), I'm definitely considering it a must-read.
I liked that there were different peoples' accounts of their personal experience(s) with aromanticism and asexuality, as well as connections to both research and popular culture. The variety of sources made for a well-rounded read, plus it was evident that the author really did their research. Some chapters were more engaging than others, and I definitely found myself nodding my head or even vocalizing my thoughts or agreement many times while listening.
Another facet of this book that made it a very interesting read was that it focused a lot on intersectionality. The more I read and learn and expand my knowledge of intersectionality, the more I am coming to really appreciate that rarely does any person experience life through only one lens - whether it be their perception of the world or others' perception(s) of them. Intersectionality needs to be discussed much more, and become widespread knowledge, in my opinion. This book did a great job of weaving aromantic and/or asexual experiences with other forms of minority status, including a focus on individuals with disabilities, which was very eye-opening for me.
Even the expert on asexuality could learn something from this book. Although I'm only rating it 3.5
stars (due to not being in the right head space to read it right now, otherwise it would probably be a 4 star read), I'm definitely considering it a must-read.
Content Warnings
Moderate: Racism, Misogyny, Acephobia/Arophobia, and Cultural appropriation
Minor: Cursing, Mass/school shootings, Murder, Racial slurs, Rape, and Ableism
horizonous's review
informative
medium-paced
3.25
Content Warnings
Moderate: Ableism, Acephobia/Arophobia, Homophobia, Racism, and Sexism
Minor: Forced institutionalization, Murder, Racial slurs, and Rape