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bookbandit's review
1.0
I've marked this with spoilers because I'm going to be talking about this book in full. So if you're going to read this anyway, STOP READING THIS NOW.
So, where do I even begin with this book. Let me say that I haven't been this disappointed in something since they canceled firefly. The title of this book should have been labeled, I want to be villian, but I'm too much of a scrub to ever actually be one and someone please help me lose my virginity cuz my girlfriend refuses to bang me, but will have fun with other people because she's waiting on marriage before WE have sex.
With that said, I'm feeling totally Jaded because of what I THOUGHT this was going to be. I thought this was going to be a book about some amoral type dude who eventually becomes a super villian. Nope. Not what happens at ALL.
So before I go any further. Let me introduce to you the people who are in this story. In no particular order we have the following.
Hera - She is the main protagonist forbidden love. They've been besties for years and even made out once during a trip. She's also the girl that his on again, off again girlfriend Jessica is worried about. Somehow due to some strange incident she ended up getting super powers by accidently spilling a liquid on herself creating a circuit that somehow digitally transferred her super powers in the video game to her IRL. This is important later....actually, no it's not. But I'll explain it anyway.
Ari - For whatever reason his Jewishness seems to somehow be something that's important, but it's never actually expanded upon other than the fact that he has a character in game called gator, and I quote "My best friend and colleague was in his signature gator-style outfit, topped with an alligator hood to stifle his Jewfro." Him being Jewish is brought up many times, but it's never expanded upon at all. Like EVER. Also, this dude is about the equivalent of the website Knowyourmeme. No really, all of his "jokes" are dated meme's that have come out. There is literally one section of the story where he pulls out and does almost verbatim the hot crazy index.. It's starts on about page 130 and goes to about page 140. The only original part of the joke would be that he added the Psychopath axis. I'm not joking when I say that if they removed this ONE person from the book, this book would be about 40 pages shorter without the rehasing of old meme's as space savers.
QuinTessa (Tessa) - here we have our book version of Virtuosity She is much like the main character of the movie "an amalgamation of serial killer profiles, A/B tested over horrendous comic book supervillainesses, and distilled with the worst kind of psychological illness to bat." Also, she has an insane lust for the main character Michael Sutter.
Jessica (Jess) on again off again girlfriend who cosplay's and ends up getting snatched up by Tessa.
Michael Sutter - Guy who developed the AI with help from super goddess Hera and walking web page Ari. Dating Jess and banging Tessa in the cyberspace. Claims that he wants to be a villain, but as soon as he IS one, he freaks out and tries to figure out how to undo his becoming a villain. Halfway bangs Tessa IRL (I think she pegged him too tho cuz he woke up with a sore booty.)
ok, now that's out of the way, I'm going to save you about 212 pages.
Just watch the movie Virtuosity. That is 80% of this book. Then go and just browse Knowyourmeme.com for about 20 minutes and that's 10% of this book. And for the last 10%. Think of one of those guys who doesn't get why his girlfriend is pissed at him for lusting over his super hot BFF. That about sums up this book.
Ok, no really. Michael is a guy who swears he would love to be a supervillain IRL. He created Tessa with the help of his friends. Tessa was banging both Mike and his brother. She got mad at him and killed him by taking over a truck and crashing into him. But yet for some reason she's not able to leave the server until the "incident" where mike drops soda on him sell and causes her to be able to jump from the game to the WWW. (Plot hole anyone? How was she able to take over a truck, but she needs this soda to jump from the server to the WWW? Anyway) Mike is going to Comic Con, him and his crew (Ari and Hera) go get crunk. Due to a bet Mike and Hera end up swapping shirts (she's a geek so she's wearing one of those sheldon shirts). Mike goes home, Hera catches up to him and ask for his shirt back. They go in his house to swap shirts and somehow his dick ends up in her mouth. Fast forward, he's at comic con with the crew trying to get a hold of his gf who's out with the girls. He goes out and ends up bumping into someone who looks like Tessa and for some strange reason decides to go back to her penthouse "for the view." She ends up "infecting him" (remember hurt booty hole from earlier) and letting him fall off a building. He wakes up in bed. Goes to comic con. His company is staging a bank heist and he gets involved as one of the villains as his alter ego from the game. He ends up killing two people (and NEVER ends up getting in trouble for it.) and then goes about his business. He goes out again and tells Ari about his power and ends up almost killing him while at the same time feeling sorry for himself for killing two people. He ends up with his dick in Jess's mouth because she's been messing around with other people as well behind his back, but because of that she realizes that she truly loves him. It just took cheating on him to figure it out. Next day, Tessa gets a body, hijacks his panel at comic con, brings out a penis pump to get him hard, about to mount him in front of his girlfriend (who's now infected) and Hera ends up saving him cuz she's a superhero but Ari gets infected and turns into a super villain. (She got her super powers the same way Tessa got out. She spilled something on her machine and it digitally superfied her). Now the only way to counteract what's going on with Mike is for *dun dun DUN* Hera to bang him and infect him with her superhero juices. She does and now Mike is going to have to kill his bestie (cuz now he's a giant Godzilla rip off) and nobody wants to sprinkle pussy juice on him to see if it'll work to counteract the virus. They just decide that he must die cuz you know....reasons. Well, just before they kill him he's blown up by Pacific Naval Fleet in like 45 minutes (which is f***ing IMPOSSIBLE due to them being stationed at Pearl Harbor Naval Station, Hawaii but I digress). Now that Ari is dead, Jess is kidnapped. Time to go to the villain's lair which is set up EXACTLY like H. H. Holmes (dude was seriously sick in the head and was dubbed America's first serial killer. No really, go to the link. Dude was sick in the head.) So Mike and ike, I mean Hera end up marching through a room with filled with dead bodies of all men. They escape the room, run into Jess and find out that she can now only infect women. Tess shows up looking like a succubus now (for reasons) and fights everyone telling Micheal she killed his brother because "I just want to watch the world burn."
ok.....um....no. This girl has been in LOVE with Mikey here and that's legit the best answer she can give? Nothing like, I wanted you to myself, or I was trying to get your attention. No, she just killed him cuz. ok.
Anyway, they end up breaking her neck and saving the day. Kinda, now infected people are out there banging like crazy spreading the infection. So Jess wants to be cured, and the only way to do that is with Hera's lady juice. So how do they do that? 3some. Jess is kinda cured and they all decide to become superheroes and take down the infected. The world does what it does but Mikey's team works from the shadows.
Now, like I said, this ENTIRE story is pretty much the movie Virtuosity, but instead of the main character being a cop, it's a dude with repressed sexual urges who wants to be a villain "to get back at life" and when he finds out that it's not all its cracked up to be, jumps ship.
Now, the reason I gave this book a 1 is because it was entirely misleading. I really expected this to be a super villain story and it ends up being about a guy who just pity's himself and can't seem to make any real decision in life. He also suffers ZERO consequences for killing people. He's also not held responsible for his creation getting out and killing a ton of people. He's just given a severance check and told to go on with his life. There is no urgency in this book at all. The only person that I actually felt for was Hera and Tessa. No really, Jess is written in as some flighty girl, and then later to just be unsure of herself. Mike is written as weak person who buries himself in his work so he doesn't have to think, and Ari is the Jewish guy who spits out random quotes from various movies and is a walking out dated Meme. Tessa I actually felt bad for. Yeah she was insane, but all she wanted was Mike, and at NO time did Mike even think about her as something other than some digital code despite the fact that he himself stated that she could be more. It's like the whole time he's just walking around and not catching ANY clues as to anything at all except for the fact that he hadn't had sex with his High School sweetheart Jess.
This book was flat on emotion, character development, world building, just everything. I would NOT recommend this book to anyone who enjoys reading. I wouldn't recommend this book to be used as toilet paper because it's not worth the paper to print it. The OTHER thing that killed me in this book was the pacing. It was horrible. There were just things that happened at random and were never expanded upon at all. I'm not going to list them because in the end, there's no reason to because they are mentioned and then dropped quicker than R. Kelley being scheduled to do a H.S. concert. It was abysmally slow. Instead of advancing the plot Ari just showed up and threw in the odd meme and for the love of god, there was 10 flipping pages for the hot crazy matrix joke. No I'm not even making that up. And what did it do for the story? Not a DAMN thing. It was just there. Like a pothole in the middle of the street. It was just THERE.
I REALLY wanted this to be a book about a supervillain origin story. But nope. It was just...smh
If you love yourself and you love reading, do NOT read this book.
So, where do I even begin with this book. Let me say that I haven't been this disappointed in something since they canceled firefly. The title of this book should have been labeled, I want to be villian, but I'm too much of a scrub to ever actually be one and someone please help me lose my virginity cuz my girlfriend refuses to bang me, but will have fun with other people because she's waiting on marriage before WE have sex.
With that said, I'm feeling totally Jaded because of what I THOUGHT this was going to be. I thought this was going to be a book about some amoral type dude who eventually becomes a super villian. Nope. Not what happens at ALL.
So before I go any further. Let me introduce to you the people who are in this story. In no particular order we have the following.
Hera - She is the main protagonist forbidden love. They've been besties for years and even made out once during a trip. She's also the girl that his on again, off again girlfriend Jessica is worried about. Somehow due to some strange incident she ended up getting super powers by accidently spilling a liquid on herself creating a circuit that somehow digitally transferred her super powers in the video game to her IRL. This is important later....actually, no it's not. But I'll explain it anyway.
Ari - For whatever reason his Jewishness seems to somehow be something that's important, but it's never actually expanded upon other than the fact that he has a character in game called gator, and I quote "My best friend and colleague was in his signature gator-style outfit, topped with an alligator hood to stifle his Jewfro." Him being Jewish is brought up many times, but it's never expanded upon at all. Like EVER. Also, this dude is about the equivalent of the website Knowyourmeme. No really, all of his "jokes" are dated meme's that have come out. There is literally one section of the story where he pulls out and does almost verbatim the hot crazy index.. It's starts on about page 130 and goes to about page 140. The only original part of the joke would be that he added the Psychopath axis. I'm not joking when I say that if they removed this ONE person from the book, this book would be about 40 pages shorter without the rehasing of old meme's as space savers.
QuinTessa (Tessa) - here we have our book version of Virtuosity She is much like the main character of the movie "an amalgamation of serial killer profiles, A/B tested over horrendous comic book supervillainesses, and distilled with the worst kind of psychological illness to bat." Also, she has an insane lust for the main character Michael Sutter.
Jessica (Jess) on again off again girlfriend who cosplay's and ends up getting snatched up by Tessa.
Michael Sutter - Guy who developed the AI with help from super goddess Hera and walking web page Ari. Dating Jess and banging Tessa in the cyberspace. Claims that he wants to be a villain, but as soon as he IS one, he freaks out and tries to figure out how to undo his becoming a villain. Halfway bangs Tessa IRL (I think she pegged him too tho cuz he woke up with a sore booty.)
ok, now that's out of the way, I'm going to save you about 212 pages.
Just watch the movie Virtuosity. That is 80% of this book. Then go and just browse Knowyourmeme.com for about 20 minutes and that's 10% of this book. And for the last 10%. Think of one of those guys who doesn't get why his girlfriend is pissed at him for lusting over his super hot BFF. That about sums up this book.
Ok, no really. Michael is a guy who swears he would love to be a supervillain IRL. He created Tessa with the help of his friends. Tessa was banging both Mike and his brother. She got mad at him and killed him by taking over a truck and crashing into him. But yet for some reason she's not able to leave the server until the "incident" where mike drops soda on him sell and causes her to be able to jump from the game to the WWW. (Plot hole anyone? How was she able to take over a truck, but she needs this soda to jump from the server to the WWW? Anyway) Mike is going to Comic Con, him and his crew (Ari and Hera) go get crunk. Due to a bet Mike and Hera end up swapping shirts (she's a geek so she's wearing one of those sheldon shirts). Mike goes home, Hera catches up to him and ask for his shirt back. They go in his house to swap shirts and somehow his dick ends up in her mouth. Fast forward, he's at comic con with the crew trying to get a hold of his gf who's out with the girls. He goes out and ends up bumping into someone who looks like Tessa and for some strange reason decides to go back to her penthouse "for the view." She ends up "infecting him" (remember hurt booty hole from earlier) and letting him fall off a building. He wakes up in bed. Goes to comic con. His company is staging a bank heist and he gets involved as one of the villains as his alter ego from the game. He ends up killing two people (and NEVER ends up getting in trouble for it.) and then goes about his business. He goes out again and tells Ari about his power and ends up almost killing him while at the same time feeling sorry for himself for killing two people. He ends up with his dick in Jess's mouth because she's been messing around with other people as well behind his back, but because of that she realizes that she truly loves him. It just took cheating on him to figure it out. Next day, Tessa gets a body, hijacks his panel at comic con, brings out a penis pump to get him hard, about to mount him in front of his girlfriend (who's now infected) and Hera ends up saving him cuz she's a superhero but Ari gets infected and turns into a super villain. (She got her super powers the same way Tessa got out. She spilled something on her machine and it digitally superfied her). Now the only way to counteract what's going on with Mike is for *dun dun DUN* Hera to bang him and infect him with her superhero juices. She does and now Mike is going to have to kill his bestie (cuz now he's a giant Godzilla rip off) and nobody wants to sprinkle pussy juice on him to see if it'll work to counteract the virus. They just decide that he must die cuz you know....reasons. Well, just before they kill him he's blown up by Pacific Naval Fleet in like 45 minutes (which is f***ing IMPOSSIBLE due to them being stationed at Pearl Harbor Naval Station, Hawaii but I digress). Now that Ari is dead, Jess is kidnapped. Time to go to the villain's lair which is set up EXACTLY like H. H. Holmes (dude was seriously sick in the head and was dubbed America's first serial killer. No really, go to the link. Dude was sick in the head.) So Mike and ike, I mean Hera end up marching through a room with filled with dead bodies of all men. They escape the room, run into Jess and find out that she can now only infect women. Tess shows up looking like a succubus now (for reasons) and fights everyone telling Micheal she killed his brother because "I just want to watch the world burn."
ok.....um....no. This girl has been in LOVE with Mikey here and that's legit the best answer she can give? Nothing like, I wanted you to myself, or I was trying to get your attention. No, she just killed him cuz. ok.
Anyway, they end up breaking her neck and saving the day. Kinda, now infected people are out there banging like crazy spreading the infection. So Jess wants to be cured, and the only way to do that is with Hera's lady juice. So how do they do that? 3some. Jess is kinda cured and they all decide to become superheroes and take down the infected. The world does what it does but Mikey's team works from the shadows.
Now, like I said, this ENTIRE story is pretty much the movie Virtuosity, but instead of the main character being a cop, it's a dude with repressed sexual urges who wants to be a villain "to get back at life" and when he finds out that it's not all its cracked up to be, jumps ship.
Now, the reason I gave this book a 1 is because it was entirely misleading. I really expected this to be a super villain story and it ends up being about a guy who just pity's himself and can't seem to make any real decision in life. He also suffers ZERO consequences for killing people. He's also not held responsible for his creation getting out and killing a ton of people. He's just given a severance check and told to go on with his life. There is no urgency in this book at all. The only person that I actually felt for was Hera and Tessa. No really, Jess is written in as some flighty girl, and then later to just be unsure of herself. Mike is written as weak person who buries himself in his work so he doesn't have to think, and Ari is the Jewish guy who spits out random quotes from various movies and is a walking out dated Meme. Tessa I actually felt bad for. Yeah she was insane, but all she wanted was Mike, and at NO time did Mike even think about her as something other than some digital code despite the fact that he himself stated that she could be more. It's like the whole time he's just walking around and not catching ANY clues as to anything at all except for the fact that he hadn't had sex with his High School sweetheart Jess.
This book was flat on emotion, character development, world building, just everything. I would NOT recommend this book to anyone who enjoys reading. I wouldn't recommend this book to be used as toilet paper because it's not worth the paper to print it. The OTHER thing that killed me in this book was the pacing. It was horrible. There were just things that happened at random and were never expanded upon at all. I'm not going to list them because in the end, there's no reason to because they are mentioned and then dropped quicker than R. Kelley being scheduled to do a H.S. concert. It was abysmally slow. Instead of advancing the plot Ari just showed up and threw in the odd meme and for the love of god, there was 10 flipping pages for the hot crazy matrix joke. No I'm not even making that up. And what did it do for the story? Not a DAMN thing. It was just there. Like a pothole in the middle of the street. It was just THERE.
I REALLY wanted this to be a book about a supervillain origin story. But nope. It was just...smh
If you love yourself and you love reading, do NOT read this book.
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