Reviews with content warning for Sexism - Ejaculate Responsibly: A Whole New Way to Think About Abortion

Reviews tagging 'Sexism'

Ejaculate Responsibly: A Whole New Way to Think About Abortion by Gabrielle Stanley Blair

11 reviews

tofuclown's review

informative medium-paced

2.5

I didn’t need to read a book to know any of this…I agree with a lot of what the author says but it comes across as very misandrist and aggressive in tone.

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lee_s's review

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challenging dark informative fast-paced

3.25

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just_one_more_paige's review

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funny hopeful informative reflective fast-paced

4.0

So, it's pretty hard to not have your attention grabbed by this title. And it's been on my back burner because of that alone. But then, as I was updating curricula this summer for my job (I'm a Health Educator focusing on adolescent health, especially puberty/sex ed), I was realizing that I was a bit uncomfortable with how highly our programming focuses on negative consequences for people with female reproductive systems due to unplanned pregnancies, but had comparatively nothing consequence-wise for male-bodied people. I started doing some research and realized...there isn't much data for that. It's just not really tracked/measured in a usable way. But I thought, there had to at least be some way to address responsibility more evenly at least, even if the consequences remain greater for the child-bearing person. Enter, as a starting place at least, this book.

In Ejaculate Responsibly, Blair presents 28 points (arguments?) that reframe the common conversation about abortion, and how to prevent it. She moves the focus over to men, talking about the unfair burden of prevention that has long been laid at the feet of those with uteruses, and why that is, in fact, both unfair and not the best option(s) for prevention anyways. With arguments ranging from the higher fertility of male reproductive systems, the unevenness of the birth control market and the stigma around birth control for male bodies, the risks pregnancies poses to the child-bearing person and more, Blair builds a cohesive, effectively repetitive and incredibly accessible presentation for why pregnancy prevention (and thus abortion prevention) i very much a "men's issue."

I want to start by saying that I did appreciate the note on language and setting expectations at the beginning. It recognizes and validates other perspectives and experiences (primarily trans and queer, to be clear), while clarifying the intent of this book (that's not the audience most in need of this info at this time *cough* privileged white cis male politicians *cough*). With time, it would be rather better for this discussion to become more fully inclusive, but for a short piece like this, and as a starting place for a new framework/way of thinking, I agree that this simplicity can have a place and be effective and develop from there. But it's key that Blair starts with a recognition of that; and while I still think the inclusive language throughout could have been better, it wasn't altogether left out and that does matter.

Other than that note on language, I found this to be such an easy read. The points she makes are all short, clear, accessible in structure and in the way they build on each other, so that when it gets to the more meaty arguments partway through, it's got enough baseline and buy-in for them not to be an immediate turn-off to more skeptical readers. There was also a significant amount of data, as well as some short anecdotes, and enough humor to keep what is really a very serious and frightening discussion light enough to keep a less invested reader moving through. Plus, the visual formatting was fantastic. There was some repetition for sure, some repetition for sure, but since each "argument" is individually succinct, and salient (and considering the intended audience)…it’s mostly ok. There are also a few sweeping generalizations all throughout, and yet, again, since the book is working to make some major and important points, it is possibly fair that the exceptions to those rules are not incredibly necessary to acknowledge in detail here. Though, I felt it worth noting as a reviewer nonetheless. Sort of related here, I really felt like the book came into its own at about the midway point, as the questions/thoughts and arguments themselves were able to get deeper and more complex, building on previously made/accepted points. And the way Blair ended with suggestions and action steps for what you can do to help move this thinking forward is lovely and very much appreciated. I always struggle when books trying to make a point or change a system don’t include that kind of thing - if you've taken the time to convince me, as a reader, that your POV is right, and successfully did so(!), then take just a little more time to help me find what to do next, becasue otherwise I'm unfulfilled and anxious.

There were a few of the arguments that really spoke to me and I want to just mention them for posterity. First, a few different times Blair mentions that birth control for male bodies is both less risky and easier to access than options for female bodies. And within one of those arguments, she speaks about the downplaying of women’s pain (in IUD insertion not getting pain management is standard, but in the similarly invasive and usually lower-pain-reported vasectomy always gets it). Now, I can only speak to IUD insertion, but this was very validating for me personally. I've had three IUDs and two have been very unpleasant removal/insertion experiences, but afterwards, I never even considered asking for pain management in the future, I just felt weak, having accepted that it's a thing I should just be able to “grin and bear.” I'm still grappling now with the norms that made me feel that way, but I want to just say thank you to this book, for letting me release a breath over my internalized shame there, and maybe start to work through it. There was one other concept that really spoke to me (in Argument 13: "Men cause all unwanted pregnancies."), as it is a concept past what I’ve ever considered and I loved the reframing: that orgasm is not necessary for penetration to be considered sex and THUS unprotected sex without a male finishing is still sex but doesn’t carry that huge risk of unwanted pregnancy. Like, OMG. Because it’s still sex if women don’t orgasm so why not the other way around?! That was a mind-opener for me. And one more note on specific arguments. I appreciated the *looking directly in the eyes* of the scarier things we try to ignore and downplay (for many reasons), like the actual pain and danger of pregnancy and childbirth. It can be wonderful and terrible at the same time, but while we tend to focus on all the good, we never look too hard at the inherent risks that are always there (whether the pregnancy is planned or not). It's important to face these things directly, because not doing so is stunting our ability to fully and appropriately address issues related to them (by ignoring the risks, we don't have to admit that forcing someone to continue an unwanted pregnancy is as dangerous as it actually is, and therefore, we aren't accurately confronting the issue).

Overall, y'all, what a primer! I really feel like there is something for (almost) everyone to learn in this. Even for myself, who is invested in these topics professionally as well as personally, I had a few "ah ha!" moments and it has really helped me distill some points I already knew/believed down into more concise and accessible for use in future interactions with other people. It was just truly a convincing and straightforward and approachable set of arguments and discussion points, presented in such an easy and quick format. I can see many applications for this book as we work to actually try to make some shifts in public thought on this.

“Would men really choose a few moments of slightly more pleasure over risking a woman's whole life?"

“If someone tells you to do an irresponsible thing, and you choose to do that irresponsible thing, that’s on you.” (Plus, the ever-important concept that all irresponsible actions are not equal!)

“If your bodily fluids have the potential to harm your partner, it's your responsibility to ensure they don’t.” (We see it this way for STI transmission, so why not for pregnancy?)

“We, men and women, have a huge blind spot when it comes to men and birth control. Men assume women will do all the work of pregnancy prevention, that a woman will take responsibility for her own body and the man's body, and women assume women will do it, too.”

"If you focus on dramatically reducing the number of irresponsible ejaculations, you will dramatically reduce the number of unwanted pregnancies, and you will dramatically reduce the number of abortions." (That upriver approach tho.)

“Motherhood [parenting] is hard, and demanding it for others, while being unwilling to do it yourself, is not okay.”

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danimacuk's review

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informative reflective fast-paced

5.0

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biloser99's review

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challenging informative reflective fast-paced

4.75

seriously important and impactful read. every person with a penis MUST read this. this needs to be studied in EVERY sex ed class.

I would have given 5 stars, but some arguments in the middle are weakened by the author’s blindness or neglect to take into account that men can and are sexually assaulted and reproductively abused, even if at much lesser rates.

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rachelsimmet's review against another edition

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informative fast-paced

5.0

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leweylibrary's review against another edition

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challenging informative reflective fast-paced

4.75

A short but powerful and important read. If I would've read this a year ago, it would've put me in an anxiety spiral because it's all about the many ways in which preventing unwanted pregnancies is very little in women's control and that just freaks me the fuck out. But I have no fallopian tubes now, so we're good there! I learned a lot, and I hated what I learned. Of course it's a really "extreme" argument, but it's a well researched and well argued one. Idk man I'm convinced. Will society ever actually think and work this way? I'm very doubtful, certainly it won't happen in my lifetime, but if only. The one negative is one that the author fully explains in the beginning and that's that the argument centers cis, hetero interactions, so that's definitely something missing that would've been beneficial to see.

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