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zealous_bibliophile's review
2.0
So let me start with I like the idea. Orphaned FMC in the foster system suddenly finds out she has magic and is sent to a school to discover her powers and about the magical world. This is where my like ends.
Edon needs to work on how to develop characters and weave elements of a story together instead of just throwing scenes together in a sequentialish order.
FMC is on her last leg with her foster mom when she gets caught coming into school late and going to a mid-week party instead of sleeping over at her friend's (seems like an odd thing to have permission to do when you are at a new school after getting expelled from your last school after putting a girl in the hospital, but I digress). FMC is called the guidance office where her foster mom says that's it you are going to military school (side note, foster mom wouldn't have legal authority to do that. A court would have to enter an order sending her to such school). After making this declaration the foster mom leaves so the guidance counselor can handle everything (again, not how that works) only he shows FMC a snow globe and asks her what she sees. She sees a fae with a vampire so this means there is magic and she is going to magic school which she immediately accepts. Zero push back. Just well of you say seeing a vampire and a fae means I have magic and not that you have some.cool.augmented reality snowglobe, well then I guess I have magic and I will immediately accept that the world as I knew it was a lie. Literally makes no sense.
So she is portaled to this new school where again no one explains magic or who or what she is. Through a series of fragmented scenes you meet a roommate, a vampire, a werewolf, and a fae. There is no world or character building, or even plot building. You get characters and plot points but nothing that connects them or builds to something larger.
You jump from the FMC arriving at the school to an assembly the next day which then time hops to the end of the day? FMC complains she had a rough day because...she had to go to an assembly? (Okay, fine, we are told it was a rough day people people looked at her. You know, because she is the new girl. I mean awkward yes, but not story tension building) You don't ever see her interacting with any of the other students. FMC will enter a classroom. Have a conversation with one of the four afore mentioned characters and then class is over. Class is literally only as long as it takes to say can I share your book.
The tiny amount of world building that you get let's you know that the magic community is anti humans because humans tried to kill all things magic so FMC being half human without any knowledge on how to use her magic side makes her vulnerable and is why she needs guards. And we learn from the vamp that they can smell she is a half breed, so shouldn't people constantly be shoving her into lockers, telling her she isn't welcome, calling her names under their breathe? you know the typical bully stuff. The answer is yes. You need conflict in a story, especially one where the FMC is supposed to need protection from those in the new world she has been thrust into, but there is literally no conflict.
A girl we are introduced to in the first chapter or two of the book is dead. For some reason FMC is investigating her death which includes a trip to the library to learn about all of the other species where she has to hide from the librarian for...reasons? The reason is to have the tense up against the stacks with a hot guy moment, but Edon doesn't know how to build to that moment, so she just kind of throws the scene at you, the same was she just throws vampires are super fast at you by having the vamp put out his hand at super vamp speed for a handshake and FMC being like oh yeah he's using his vamp speed which I have never before seen and which has never before been mentioned but that I totally know about and am not at all freaked out by. Or throws the goes back to see your friends from the home town you disappeared from and you aren't shocked when the vampire tells you to try your friends landline because oh that's right he used live in the human world but how does the FMC know that?? There isn't a scene where they talk about his life and how he apparently was previously a full on human. Also, why does FMC call the landline when she knows for a fact that her best friend isn't at home but is at work? And please show me the teenager that is calling a landline these days. Like, tell me you're an elder millennial author without telling me you're an elder millennial author. Edon will go first.
Basically, skip this. Edon needs to learn how to develop a story, a plot, hell, the characters themselves. This reads more like a creative writing assignment for someone who is learning to write a novel (and who might one day be good at it) rather than something people would pay money for.
Edon needs to work on how to develop characters and weave elements of a story together instead of just throwing scenes together in a sequentialish order.
FMC is on her last leg with her foster mom when she gets caught coming into school late and going to a mid-week party instead of sleeping over at her friend's (seems like an odd thing to have permission to do when you are at a new school after getting expelled from your last school after putting a girl in the hospital, but I digress). FMC is called the guidance office where her foster mom says that's it you are going to military school (side note, foster mom wouldn't have legal authority to do that. A court would have to enter an order sending her to such school). After making this declaration the foster mom leaves so the guidance counselor can handle everything (again, not how that works) only he shows FMC a snow globe and asks her what she sees. She sees a fae with a vampire so this means there is magic and she is going to magic school which she immediately accepts. Zero push back. Just well of you say seeing a vampire and a fae means I have magic and not that you have some.cool.augmented reality snowglobe, well then I guess I have magic and I will immediately accept that the world as I knew it was a lie. Literally makes no sense.
So she is portaled to this new school where again no one explains magic or who or what she is. Through a series of fragmented scenes you meet a roommate, a vampire, a werewolf, and a fae. There is no world or character building, or even plot building. You get characters and plot points but nothing that connects them or builds to something larger.
You jump from the FMC arriving at the school to an assembly the next day which then time hops to the end of the day? FMC complains she had a rough day because...she had to go to an assembly? (Okay, fine, we are told it was a rough day people people looked at her. You know, because she is the new girl. I mean awkward yes, but not story tension building) You don't ever see her interacting with any of the other students. FMC will enter a classroom. Have a conversation with one of the four afore mentioned characters and then class is over. Class is literally only as long as it takes to say can I share your book.
The tiny amount of world building that you get let's you know that the magic community is anti humans because humans tried to kill all things magic so FMC being half human without any knowledge on how to use her magic side makes her vulnerable and is why she needs guards. And we learn from the vamp that they can smell she is a half breed, so shouldn't people constantly be shoving her into lockers, telling her she isn't welcome, calling her names under their breathe? you know the typical bully stuff. The answer is yes. You need conflict in a story, especially one where the FMC is supposed to need protection from those in the new world she has been thrust into, but there is literally no conflict.
A girl we are introduced to in the first chapter or two of the book is dead. For some reason FMC is investigating her death which includes a trip to the library to learn about all of the other species where she has to hide from the librarian for...reasons? The reason is to have the tense up against the stacks with a hot guy moment, but Edon doesn't know how to build to that moment, so she just kind of throws the scene at you, the same was she just throws vampires are super fast at you by having the vamp put out his hand at super vamp speed for a handshake and FMC being like oh yeah he's using his vamp speed which I have never before seen and which has never before been mentioned but that I totally know about and am not at all freaked out by. Or throws the goes back to see your friends from the home town you disappeared from and you aren't shocked when the vampire tells you to try your friends landline because oh that's right he used live in the human world but how does the FMC know that?? There isn't a scene where they talk about his life and how he apparently was previously a full on human. Also, why does FMC call the landline when she knows for a fact that her best friend isn't at home but is at work? And please show me the teenager that is calling a landline these days. Like, tell me you're an elder millennial author without telling me you're an elder millennial author. Edon will go first.
Basically, skip this. Edon needs to learn how to develop a story, a plot, hell, the characters themselves. This reads more like a creative writing assignment for someone who is learning to write a novel (and who might one day be good at it) rather than something people would pay money for.
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