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4.15 AVERAGE
4.15 AVERAGE
Well, I'm not going to say this book totally cured me since certain sections did not apply. But, I did gain insight.
I am giving this book the benefit of the doubt in hopes that it is going to be helpful for a dear friend. One of my closest friends asked that I read this book with her after her therapist recommended it. She has yet to finish it, so her reaction may change my view of it.
My reading is sure to have been influenced by the fact that I do not have a narcissistic mother, but there are some aspects of this book that I feel are lacking. The information is presented as therapeutic fact, but there is not enough evidence given. The author mentions her own clinical research, but provides no parameters or results of that research. I would like to know what her research entailed and what other research she used as reference. What are the demographics of the research participants and/or her client base? It would be helpful to know the percentage of clients based on race, financial standing, sexuality, etc. The reason I would like to know this is because this book gives me the feeling that most of the author's patients are wealthy, heterosexual white women, which would limit the ability to be generalized across demographics. A lot of the evidence presented in this book is anecdotal or from movies. For me, this makes the conclusions drawn questionable. There are could be many other variables at play.
There were a couple of other things that bothered me as well. Some of her terminology is offensive. I know this was published over a decade ago, but multiple uses of terms like 'crazy-making' and 'needy' reinforce negative stereotypes (she portrays them as negative traits women need to recover from). Several times throughout the book I felt she was judgmental towards some decisions that women make, such as getting liposuction (I have not had it, but if someone decides that is what is best for their physical and/or mental health than who are we to judge?). She spends a chapter discussing the impossible beauty standards placed on daughters by narcissistic mothers that are reinforced by impossible societal standards, only to later describe a client as, "The epitome of beauty, intelligence, and charm, she reminds me of a petite china doll." and reinforces those same impossible standards. The last [prominent] aspect that frustrated me was that she spends two-thirds of the books describing recovery as something to be completed. It is not until part three that she clarifies that recovery is an ongoing process. Anyone working in mental health care can tell you that being open and honest with people about the ongoing nature of recovery is important. It should have been presented that way from the beginning of this book.
All of that being said, if people are finding this book helpful and it is aiding in their healing, then I am grateful for it and hope it continues to help more people.
My reading is sure to have been influenced by the fact that I do not have a narcissistic mother, but there are some aspects of this book that I feel are lacking. The information is presented as therapeutic fact, but there is not enough evidence given. The author mentions her own clinical research, but provides no parameters or results of that research. I would like to know what her research entailed and what other research she used as reference. What are the demographics of the research participants and/or her client base? It would be helpful to know the percentage of clients based on race, financial standing, sexuality, etc. The reason I would like to know this is because this book gives me the feeling that most of the author's patients are wealthy, heterosexual white women, which would limit the ability to be generalized across demographics. A lot of the evidence presented in this book is anecdotal or from movies. For me, this makes the conclusions drawn questionable. There are could be many other variables at play.
There were a couple of other things that bothered me as well. Some of her terminology is offensive. I know this was published over a decade ago, but multiple uses of terms like 'crazy-making' and 'needy' reinforce negative stereotypes (she portrays them as negative traits women need to recover from). Several times throughout the book I felt she was judgmental towards some decisions that women make, such as getting liposuction (I have not had it, but if someone decides that is what is best for their physical and/or mental health than who are we to judge?). She spends a chapter discussing the impossible beauty standards placed on daughters by narcissistic mothers that are reinforced by impossible societal standards, only to later describe a client as, "The epitome of beauty, intelligence, and charm, she reminds me of a petite china doll." and reinforces those same impossible standards. The last [prominent] aspect that frustrated me was that she spends two-thirds of the books describing recovery as something to be completed. It is not until part three that she clarifies that recovery is an ongoing process. Anyone working in mental health care can tell you that being open and honest with people about the ongoing nature of recovery is important. It should have been presented that way from the beginning of this book.
All of that being said, if people are finding this book helpful and it is aiding in their healing, then I am grateful for it and hope it continues to help more people.
Oh, if only this book existed 25 years ago ... but, better late than never. Thank you, Dr. McBride, for this. Thank you.
emotional
informative
reflective
sad
medium-paced
challenging
informative
reflective
medium-paced
reflective
This is a book that my partner's therapist sent home for me to read, and it took me ages to get through not because it's a bad book, but because I had a hard time finding times when I wanted to be sad or to sit in the feelings that I knew the book would stir up. It took me a few concerted efforts interspersed with long breaks to get to the final chapter, but I think it was worth it. Most of the first half of the book felt like it would have been more revelatory if I hadn't already read a couple of books about toxic parenting and spent a lot of last year going through steps similar to the ones McBride outlines, but the further I read the more useful/interesting information I uncovered. I will probably seek out more information on codependency.
One thing that frustrates me about books like this is that so many of them are heteronormative. Although McBride clarifies toward the end that she only defaults to "he" when discussing the partners of her patients and women like them because it's easier for her to write that way, and that the information applies to queer women, too, this statement comes pretty late in the book and feels insufficient. It seems obvious to me that gender plays out in relationships between women differently than it does in relationships between women and men, especially in relation to women who have trauma related to their mothers. I need a lesbian version of this book, if it exists.
One thing that frustrates me about books like this is that so many of them are heteronormative. Although McBride clarifies toward the end that she only defaults to "he" when discussing the partners of her patients and women like them because it's easier for her to write that way, and that the information applies to queer women, too, this statement comes pretty late in the book and feels insufficient. It seems obvious to me that gender plays out in relationships between women differently than it does in relationships between women and men, especially in relation to women who have trauma related to their mothers. I need a lesbian version of this book, if it exists.
I think it had solid advice but was sometimes “soft” on the mother. Also very heteronormative!
In case anyone’s worried, I read this for my work this time. Saw a lot of clients and people I know in this, valuable book.
