Reviews with content warning for Gaslighting - When I Hit You

When I Hit You is a chilling, confronting, courageous and creative exploration of an abusive marriage, all the more so when you learn the author experienced an abusive marriage herself, although she is very clear that this is a work of fiction. I felt tense and angry the whole time I was reading, despite knowing from the beginning that the narrator fled and survived; fully immersed in something I have thankfully not experienced in real life. While parts of the story are specific to India, most of it is, sadly universal. The descriptions of abuse - everything from control, isolation, gaslighting, emotional abuse including self-harm, anger, threats of violence, plus actual physical and sexual violence - are almost dispassionate but that in no ways lessens their impact. I really appreciated Kandasamy highlighting the way society enabled and excused the abuser - her parents encouraged her to stay, people witnessed physical abuse but did not intervene, doctors should have asked questions but did not, police who blamed her, his university employer passed the buck. Domestic abuse is a societal problem and we all have a role to play in stopping it. The story is told in episodic vignettes, and doesn’t rely solely on standard narrative techniques. There’s a scene presented as a screenplay, political and philosophical analysis, plus transcripts and summaries of conversations. Repetition is used to great effect, creating a trapped, claustrophobic feeling. Sometimes the prose is clinical, other times poetic and lyrical; frequently it’s fierce. This is a book that blends the personal and the political, the immediate lived experience with the abstract and theoretical. It starkly show the realities of an abusive marriage including why and how a woman - even a middle class, intelligent and educated woman - could marry a man who would go on to abuse her, and why it is so difficult to leave such a marriage. This is very much the story of a survivor, not a victim. I found it to be incredibly powerful.

Content Warnings