Reviews with content warning for Panic attacks/disorders - My Dark Vanessa

I feel haunted by this book. I can’t stop thinking about it. One of the hardest things about reading the book was waiting for Vanessa to know what we know. To know that Strane was abusive and manipulating her. Reading it as an adult who grew up watching things like Law and Order: SVU, I knew it was wrong, I knew he meant none of what he was saying. I feel like I have so many thoughts about this books and yet I don’t know how to form them into words. What actually might be the hardest part of this book is knowing that things like this really do happen.

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sapphotoni's review

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challenging dark emotional informative sad tense fast-paced

Plot- or character-driven? A mix
Strong character development? Yes
Loveable characters? Yes
Diverse cast of characters? N/A
Flaws of characters a main focus? It's complicated

5.0

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kather_doc's review against another edition

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challenging dark emotional tense medium-paced

Plot- or character-driven? Character
Strong character development? It's complicated
Loveable characters? It's complicated
Diverse cast of characters? No
Flaws of characters a main focus? Yes

4.5

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beetandbaguette's review

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challenging dark emotional reflective sad tense medium-paced

Plot- or character-driven? A mix
Strong character development? Yes
Loveable characters? It's complicated
Diverse cast of characters? It's complicated
Flaws of characters a main focus? Yes

5.0

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sarahgr's review against another edition

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dark emotional reflective sad tense medium-paced

Plot- or character-driven? Plot
Strong character development? It's complicated
Loveable characters? It's complicated
Diverse cast of characters? No
Flaws of characters a main focus? Yes

5.0

A heart-breaking, haunting, exceptional novel. As one of the most poignant and memorable books of the 21st century, this gnawing response to Nabokov's Lolita gives readers another perspective of the ugly reality of child sexual abuse. Vanessa does not believer herself to be a victim, a survivor, or a hero. She can only cling to what her life is as defined by her high school English teacher. This book is hard to read. It's hard, it's sad, it's revolting at times. But it is real. The un-reality that Vanessa is so desperate to keep is our reality, it is, no matter how badly you want her to understand, her reality.

To say that her epiphany at the end of the book feels like taking a hit straight to the heart is an understatement. The work that Russell has put in to get us to this ultimate moment of catharsis is indescribably overwhelming.

Do NOT read this book if you will be triggered by the subject matter. It is explicit and painful, and it is never-ending. It is unrelenting, and if you think you will be triggered by this book then do not read it. If you think this will help you in any way, and I am sympathetic to the belief that this content is helpful for people with trauma, I urge you to be fully aware of your body and mind, ask yourself if you feel ready, and put the book down if you do not wish to continue. To anyone reading this, I wish you well post-reading, or pre-reading if you're reading through reviews to decide if this is for you.

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_bailey_reads_'s review

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dark emotional reflective sad tense slow-paced

Plot- or character-driven? Character
Strong character development? Yes
Loveable characters? It's complicated
Diverse cast of characters? No
Flaws of characters a main focus? Yes

5.0

This book…. Wow. I am stunned by how well written this book is.

There are so many things I could say about this book. I loved it so much. It will always hold a special place in my heart, mostly because it hurt me deeply to my core.

I highly recommend reading this book but only if you are in a good mental health space. It is extremely triggering! I felt very healed by how relatable I found Vanessa at points but mad because of how upset her character made me. She is such a complex and well written character and is such a realistic depiction of someone struggling with PTSD and severe trauma.

Kate Elizabeth Russell, did a phenomenal job at depicting what a real therapist & client relationship actually looks and sounds like. The first accurate one I’ve ever read in a book. It blew me away. Ruby is Vanessa’s therapist. The dynamic between the two characters was brilliant and very thought out and realistic! The language and descriptions in this novel are so beautiful and made me my heart hurt.

It’s the most disturbing book I’ve ever read

Warning ** Do Not Read if you are in a bad mental health space. Please be gentle if you have gone through any type of abuse. I wish someone would’ve warned me before reading. It’s HIGHLY triggering.

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asm349's review

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challenging dark emotional sad tense slow-paced

Plot- or character-driven? Character
Strong character development? It's complicated
Loveable characters? It's complicated
Diverse cast of characters? No
Flaws of characters a main focus? It's complicated

4.5

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nedenz's review

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challenging dark emotional sad tense medium-paced

Plot- or character-driven? Character
Strong character development? It's complicated
Loveable characters? It's complicated
Diverse cast of characters? No
Flaws of characters a main focus? Yes

5.0

5 "this book keeps finding ways to break my heart then find the tiny pieces and shatter them even more" stars. 5 "I feel almost icky about how much I enjoyed this book but not in that way I promise" stars.

One night I had to put it down after a particularly brutal assault scene, and I started thinking about trauma porn and why I hate CoHo so much. Yes it's a hill I will die on and nowhere is safe from the CoHo hate :). Anyway, I think this book rides the line of being disturbingly honest and straightforward and being trauma porn. One of the reasons for this is the dissonance in Vanessa's head all the way through. In the same breath, she will switch between adamantly defending her abuser and outright naming what he did and how he impacted her. CoHo picks the most Terrible Horrible No Good Very Bad Thing she can think of, disguise it with subpar plots, characters, and prose, all to emotionally manipulate her readers into thinking they read something good bcs they "felt something!!!" THIS IS NOT THAT.

How do you write a book that captures the horrors and inner turmoil of a pedophilic abusive relationship between a 15 year old student and her 42 year old teacher? Idk how she pulled it off but Kate Elizabeth Russel did it. There were absolutely no holds barred in this thing. The way she writes is captivating and breathtaking and soul wrenching. It hurt my soul to read but I just keep gravitating to read more and more. This book made me heartbroken, inconceivably angry, and disgusted in the best ways. The story wove elegantly between past and present. This story effortlessly demonstrated the dichotomy a ~~victim~~survivor faces when caught in a manipulative abuse cycle. I sadly recognized bits of myself in that sense so I'd say spot on in that regard. This story was a masterpiece in chronicling a healing journey in all its chaotic, inconsistent, messy truth. Healing is one step forward and three steps back, and this showed how hard taking the first step really is.

I will say that the pacing in the last third of the book felt a bit rushed to me compared to how developed the first two thirds were. I know that the first half was really getting into all the nitty grittiness of how it started and the initial impacts, and it wasn't enough to detract from my rating.

Edit: I have another positive note but it's a spoiler.

I really like how the book ended without Vanessa being pressured (coughcoughbullied) into sharing her story. It's crazy it needs to be said but survivors don't owe anyone their story, or even a disclosure. It really pissed me off how pushy and manipulative the reporter was, and I was lowkey mad at Taylor for sharing Vanessa's story, personal blog, and identifying information at all in the first place. It was really shitty of the reporter to harass and fucking THREATEN a survivor like she did, but Taylor shared Vanessa's story without her consent. Vanessa made it clear she didn't want to be contacted when she kept ignoring attempts to do so, and both of them completely ignored that boundary. I'm so proud of Vanessa for standing up for herself and telling them to leave her alone, putting her foot down about her blog (that she thought she'd taken down) and rumors about what happened to her not being used, and even confronting Taylor. I think it was an important part of her healing journey to meet with Taylor, but I'd argue that she would have come to this without Taylor's involvement at all bcs the only reason she talked to her in the first place is bcs she wanted to be left the fuck alone. Bcs, again, SURVIVORS DON'T OWE ANYONE THEIR FUCKING STORY. I'm so happy that the author in the end didn't have Vanessa changing her mind and consenting to have her story used, or even releasing the contents of the box that Strane sent her. That would have felt super cheap and ruined the entire arc of the book for me. She knew what she needed, what would and wouldn't be good for her, and she stuck to it. I'm so incredibly happy that in her healing journey, she was able to stay authentic to herself like that.

For those interested, here are some of my most interesting lines from my mid book thoughts. Spoilers, obvs.

-I can't take much more of this, my stomach can only hold so much vomit.
-he gave her fucking lolita. LOLITA. ARE YOU MOTHERFUCKING SHIT FUCK CUNT ASS KIDDING ME RN
-HA he killed himself. Coward. He should have rotted in jail.

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