Reviews with content warning for Panic attacks/disorders - My Dark Vanessa

This book is so difficult and yet so captivating that it's hard to truly sum it up. Ultimately, it is hard to love Vanessa in the world of Me Too (and sometimes our own stories) but her story is so important. Her story is the perfect example of how trauma can manifest and whilst I understand the criticism that the story might be romanticising, I don't think it is. It's written from a victim's point of view and so we witness her try and romanticise it - and she references this so much. She is an unreliable narrator but it's the perfect example of how being groomed at a young age can warp your sense of reality - and when we read what Strane does, says, there is no doubt in our mind that he is a pedophile. We witness her go through this trauma and then as an adult come to terms with it - we can see the inconsistencies as she remembers things differently as an adult.

She states directly that when he first had sex (well, rape) with her, it was rape at the time - she said no, didn't want it, forced it - she even recalls times he ignored her "no"s or when she was clearly forced into it, even when he would do it when she was asleep. But when she's older she's forgotten this, states it was never rape, she was into it (ignoring statutory rape). It's so clear as a reader that this is the product of being groomed and raped - she's dissociating, has memory blocks and is also trying to convince herself that she wanted it, because if she didn't then she has to come to terms with what happens <\spoilers> Vanessa does things we don't like, but I think it's needed to explore this trauma - how it manifests, how a victim doesn't have to be a "good" victim. We see all the different ways she has been affected by this, and how disgusting it is that she was put through this, continuously held in this loop and failed by everyone.

I don't think this is a book to be read by everyone, and especially not by people who may miss nuance, or who may romanticise it - I'm sure if I was very young when I read this I might've missed the gaslighting and grooming. I also think with the graphic descriptions this book would be incredibly difficult for a grooming or rape victim to read. But that isn't to say that this book hasn't stuck with me, changed me somewhat.

Content Warnings

christine_beatrice's review

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challenging dark emotional sad slow-paced

Plot- or character-driven? Character
Strong character development? No
Loveable characters? No
Diverse cast of characters? No
Flaws of characters a main focus? Yes

4.0

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maiahhtratchh's review

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dark emotional reflective sad tense fast-paced

Plot- or character-driven? Character
Strong character development? Yes
Loveable characters? It's complicated
Diverse cast of characters? No
Flaws of characters a main focus? Yes

5.0

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jordanleigh321's review

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challenging dark emotional reflective sad medium-paced

Plot- or character-driven? Character
Strong character development? It's complicated
Loveable characters? No
Diverse cast of characters? No
Flaws of characters a main focus? Yes

3.25

Content Warnings

evalotteli's review against another edition

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dark emotional tense medium-paced

Plot- or character-driven? Character
Strong character development? Yes
Loveable characters? It's complicated
Diverse cast of characters? No
Flaws of characters a main focus? Yes

4.5

Content Warnings

amnahahmad's review

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challenging dark reflective tense fast-paced

Plot- or character-driven? Character
Strong character development? Yes
Loveable characters? No
Diverse cast of characters? N/A
Flaws of characters a main focus? Yes

4.25

This story is haunting.

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molly_hn's review

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challenging dark emotional reflective slow-paced

5.0

During the process of what happens to her and the experiences she endures and, at times, feels a participant in, Vanessa swallows fire, all the while building a cavern of ice within her self. She is haunted by the witness marks left by him. The ice keeps her absent from feeling, at a distant from processing… the ice leaves her feeling what she was taught to believe is the sensation of safety. And slowly, we see the ways Vanessa, now a architect, having served an apprenticeship under her abuser (‘I start to realise the point isn’t really whether I like the books; it’s more about him giving me different lenses to see myself through’- but the lenses were always his, not her construction), of her own withdrawal from self, might learn the route back to growth… back to self… back to seeing the her that was left waiting, yearning for a real safety, a real knowing and valuing of her own capacity to love and be loved.

This book is a complex portrayal of trauma, child sexual abuse, and it’s responses to it. We see how memory formation is so impacted and shaped by her abuser and how shame creeps into the scene of her own sexual identity, the subtlety of being told one is but a mirror to the other. It feels wrong to rate a book about such a controversial topic and an unflinchingly complicated depiction of grooming and coercion. Coercion is examined from the perspective of the subject of that treatment, a subject who cannot see herself so (‘There are things he needs to believe in order to live with himself, and it would be cruel for me to label these as lies’)… it feels wrong to rate a book about that so highly. It is controversial. It is triggering. It is really difficult to read. The words are unflinching but the read is a flinching one. While the story is not my own, Vanessa resonated with me and my experiences deeply. I could see elements of me in what was explored. And for that resonance alone, I think Russell deserves all the stars.

Projective identification is so stark within the dynamics and is captured at its very essence. The dependence feels heart wrenching. Our own guts twist and turn as we feel the stone of dread on behalf of Vanessa. I wanted to save her. And I realised that I have rarely held that desire for myself. Save myself.

There is a subtle depiction of transgenerational aspects of trauma and attachment style. We see how the pride in ‘knowing how to protect her, myself, everyone at once’ creates extreme vulnerability. What we prize as good principles to foster, can often be our downfall if held too rigidly. The interweaving of mum into the novel is just… it’s subtle, realistic, beautiful and unblaming. The novel does not hesitate to draw upon the treatment of trauma survivors more generally in our ‘informed’ society, where the responsibility to speak out is often too harshly placed at the feet of those who have endured. The morality tightrope of judgement in this arena is a fierce one and the absence of compassion, but the beginning of a bridge towards it, is captured by Russel. Words can be weapons and language so often, as observed by Vannessa in her reading of Titus Andronicus, can so often fail in the face of horror, violence and human-to-human harm, particularly when the harm is ‘hidden’ and internalised.

I am fearful that my own words here are not doing justice to the work that is this book. As I said, for the resonance in my personal psyche alone, Russell deserves all the stars.

Content Warnings

martzi's review

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dark emotional sad tense medium-paced

Plot- or character-driven? Character
Strong character development? It's complicated
Loveable characters? No
Diverse cast of characters? No
Flaws of characters a main focus? Yes

5.0

Content Warnings

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