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pilotwhale's review
3.0
I have somewhat mixed feelings about this book. Even though it’s a long time since I read the first book, I am inclined to say the writing has improved. However, there are still some problems I think needs improving. This is not to say I am some professional linguist, I just sometimes pick up things in the writing style that annoy me.
1: Names and pronouns. Be careful not to use too many personal names (is that what they are called?), i.e. Laila, Sarin, Eros, in a row. It halts the flow of the language. Then again, abuse of pronouns does exactly the same thing, and makes it difficult to know who is being talked about. It’s all about balance.
2: The POV changes multiple times within a chapter, often without warning (at least not proper warning). This makes the story hard to follow at times as you (at least I) have to stop, think and rewind as you realize that particular paragraph was seen from a different person’s POV than expected. If you’re gonna change POV several times in a chapter, make it very clear to your readers.
3: I may be wrong here, but I seem to have picked up on something: even though parts of chapters are written from different POVs, details about the other characters (their thoughts, feelings, meanings, etc.) are sometimes revealed through the text. This shouldn’t happen, right (unless the POV character is a mind reader)? Or is this a form of the “all-knowing narrator/POV”, if you know what I mean. It can’t be the “fly on the wall-POV”, then we wouldn’t know anything that went on in the character’s heads. Please forgive the incorrect naming of these writing styles, it’s been a while since I learned this in school. My suggestion is: pick a POV and tell the paragraph/chapter through that character, letting he or she do the only thing he or she can do about other people’s thoughts: speculate.
Some spoilers ahoy!
4: I read somewhere on Goodreads that an author should never assume his or her readers are stupid. I think it was in a review by Kat Kennedy. That is a good rule. As an example: there is no reason to remind us that the crater in the ground made by Eros when he fell, is in fact shaped like Eros. It’s pretty obvious. Just as there is no need to explain word for word the “hidden meaning/threat” posed by Zultack one of the first times Laila and Sarin meet him. Instead, explain to the readers things that are not obvious, for example: hasn’t the encampment/army-in-training sent any spies (Laila can talk to animals, she could send an eagle or an invisibility dragon or something) to figure out what the enemy wants, how many they are etc.? They know, sort of, that the enemy wants the Draconum’s shard. Has anyone tried to figure out why? Has anyone researched the properties and magic (?) of the shard? I’m sure the Hadrurus could do that, or maybe Gorak.
I am not sure if this book is meant for younger readers than me, but I still think there is no need to spell out obvious things.
But I digress.
5: Now onto the slight overuse of the word “which”. I would suggest trying to formulate sentences a little differently once in a while, (and try to throw in more adjectives). For example: Instead of “Pthitiasis pushed past the squire and into the room which was lit by soft candles”, one could write “Pthitiasis pushed past the squire and into the candle-lit room”. Instead of “There were a few enemies lying on the ground too, but they were few and nothing compared to the waves which bore down on them”, one could write ” There were a few enemies lying on the ground too, but they were few and nothing compared to the waves bearing down on them”. You could also omit the word entirely sometimes, like in this sentence: “Zultack sat in his small tent; his Dark Elves used separate dwellings which were interconnected by flaps and doorways”. Lessening the use of this word makes the writing more active and in the present, in a sense.
6: The use of the words “electricity” and “Infrared”. Aren’t these “modern-world”, not to mention “real-world”, words? Would the characters in this world refer to electricity and infrared vision in this way, or would they call it something else? I would opt for the second option, but that is just me.
7: The main character, Laila. Man, is she annoying sometimes! I suppose the idea is that she is young, naïve and sometimes stupid, because she really is! :P How could she really believe that Sarin would cast that spell and hurt her and Eros, after she’s known him and Fervidious for so long and experiencing so much with them? I hope she grows and matures over the course of the books as Sarin seems to after he manages to get a bunch of the Draconum killed. Although he should really have known better in the first place!
8: Sarin, if you like Laila, just make a goddamn move already! Preferably before you both are brutally killed in the war.
I am sorry if I’m sounding overly negative here. That is not my intention at all. This is meant as constructive criticism only. I think the story in itself is good and exciting and there are several things I liked, among others:
1: The many different races/species described.
2: The whole Pthitiasis (I will never learn to pronounce that name correctly :P )-Cazio storyline (very interesting character that Pthitiasis, he’s not really evil, is he). I wonder how this will play out with Ally’s latest ideas/schemes.
3: The other world/plane the dragons go to (or is it just another place on the same planet?). Not to mention the dragons themselves! I have a thing for dragons and learning about all the different types present in this world and their abilities was just pure joy for me :D *starry-eyed* Now, when the war comes, I am really hoping for some awesome fighting displays. The dragons have some pretty cool skills and if they play them right…
4: The dragons meeting Braithwaite and hearing the story of where they (probably) come from. More of this!
5: Venir’s backstory, the tale of Anglupe, how she too can communicate with animals and her relationship with the adorable Pico.
All in all, solid and interesting story. Just polish the writing some. Looking forward to reading the third book, when the action really begins!
1: Names and pronouns. Be careful not to use too many personal names (is that what they are called?), i.e. Laila, Sarin, Eros, in a row. It halts the flow of the language. Then again, abuse of pronouns does exactly the same thing, and makes it difficult to know who is being talked about. It’s all about balance.
2: The POV changes multiple times within a chapter, often without warning (at least not proper warning). This makes the story hard to follow at times as you (at least I) have to stop, think and rewind as you realize that particular paragraph was seen from a different person’s POV than expected. If you’re gonna change POV several times in a chapter, make it very clear to your readers.
3: I may be wrong here, but I seem to have picked up on something: even though parts of chapters are written from different POVs, details about the other characters (their thoughts, feelings, meanings, etc.) are sometimes revealed through the text. This shouldn’t happen, right (unless the POV character is a mind reader)? Or is this a form of the “all-knowing narrator/POV”, if you know what I mean. It can’t be the “fly on the wall-POV”, then we wouldn’t know anything that went on in the character’s heads. Please forgive the incorrect naming of these writing styles, it’s been a while since I learned this in school. My suggestion is: pick a POV and tell the paragraph/chapter through that character, letting he or she do the only thing he or she can do about other people’s thoughts: speculate.
Some spoilers ahoy!
4: I read somewhere on Goodreads that an author should never assume his or her readers are stupid. I think it was in a review by Kat Kennedy. That is a good rule. As an example: there is no reason to remind us that the crater in the ground made by Eros when he fell, is in fact shaped like Eros. It’s pretty obvious. Just as there is no need to explain word for word the “hidden meaning/threat” posed by Zultack one of the first times Laila and Sarin meet him. Instead, explain to the readers things that are not obvious, for example: hasn’t the encampment/army-in-training sent any spies (Laila can talk to animals, she could send an eagle or an invisibility dragon or something) to figure out what the enemy wants, how many they are etc.? They know, sort of, that the enemy wants the Draconum’s shard. Has anyone tried to figure out why? Has anyone researched the properties and magic (?) of the shard? I’m sure the Hadrurus could do that, or maybe Gorak.
I am not sure if this book is meant for younger readers than me, but I still think there is no need to spell out obvious things.
But I digress.
5: Now onto the slight overuse of the word “which”. I would suggest trying to formulate sentences a little differently once in a while, (and try to throw in more adjectives). For example: Instead of “Pthitiasis pushed past the squire and into the room which was lit by soft candles”, one could write “Pthitiasis pushed past the squire and into the candle-lit room”. Instead of “There were a few enemies lying on the ground too, but they were few and nothing compared to the waves which bore down on them”, one could write ” There were a few enemies lying on the ground too, but they were few and nothing compared to the waves bearing down on them”. You could also omit the word entirely sometimes, like in this sentence: “Zultack sat in his small tent; his Dark Elves used separate dwellings which were interconnected by flaps and doorways”. Lessening the use of this word makes the writing more active and in the present, in a sense.
6: The use of the words “electricity” and “Infrared”. Aren’t these “modern-world”, not to mention “real-world”, words? Would the characters in this world refer to electricity and infrared vision in this way, or would they call it something else? I would opt for the second option, but that is just me.
7: The main character, Laila. Man, is she annoying sometimes! I suppose the idea is that she is young, naïve and sometimes stupid, because she really is! :P How could she really believe that Sarin would cast that spell and hurt her and Eros, after she’s known him and Fervidious for so long and experiencing so much with them? I hope she grows and matures over the course of the books as Sarin seems to after he manages to get a bunch of the Draconum killed. Although he should really have known better in the first place!
8: Sarin, if you like Laila, just make a goddamn move already! Preferably before you both are brutally killed in the war.
I am sorry if I’m sounding overly negative here. That is not my intention at all. This is meant as constructive criticism only. I think the story in itself is good and exciting and there are several things I liked, among others:
1: The many different races/species described.
2: The whole Pthitiasis (I will never learn to pronounce that name correctly :P )-Cazio storyline (very interesting character that Pthitiasis, he’s not really evil, is he). I wonder how this will play out with Ally’s latest ideas/schemes.
3: The other world/plane the dragons go to (or is it just another place on the same planet?). Not to mention the dragons themselves! I have a thing for dragons and learning about all the different types present in this world and their abilities was just pure joy for me :D *starry-eyed* Now, when the war comes, I am really hoping for some awesome fighting displays. The dragons have some pretty cool skills and if they play them right…
4: The dragons meeting Braithwaite and hearing the story of where they (probably) come from. More of this!
5: Venir’s backstory, the tale of Anglupe, how she too can communicate with animals and her relationship with the adorable Pico.
All in all, solid and interesting story. Just polish the writing some. Looking forward to reading the third book, when the action really begins!
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