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13 reviews for:
Extraordinary Relationships: A New Way of Thinking about Human Interactions
Roberta M. Gilbert
3.98 AVERAGE
13 reviews for:
Extraordinary Relationships: A New Way of Thinking about Human Interactions
Roberta M. Gilbert
3.98 AVERAGE
There’s some great information in this book, but unfortunately the writing style makes it difficult to extract.
3.5 stars! My husband read this book during his hospital chaplaincy training and references it frequently, so I had to see what all the fuss was about.
Cons: terrible title (this is a primer on Family Systems Theory, a psychological model, not a self-help book) and the first 1/4 of the text is very hand wavy. My remaining beef is really with the theory itself -- the obsession with sibling order, dismissal of transference as a tool, insistence on re-entering the family system without acknowledgment that this may be unsafe, lack of nuance around ethnic etc. identity factors, etc. -- and the typical "one size fits all" and "we fixed Freud" commentary which is apparently obligatory in every contemporary psychological model.
Pros: very approachable and thorough review of FST. Lots of extremely helpful sections on triangulation and various relationship patterns, including under/over functioning (truly, a personal attack). I especially appreciated the last section on the lived experience of various relationship types, including friendships and work relationships.
Overall this model seems like an extremely -- but not universally -- useful one, especially if someone is working with families in treatment or, like all of us, just happens to exist in a family and wants to know what the hell is going on.
Cons: terrible title (this is a primer on Family Systems Theory, a psychological model, not a self-help book) and the first 1/4 of the text is very hand wavy. My remaining beef is really with the theory itself -- the obsession with sibling order, dismissal of transference as a tool, insistence on re-entering the family system without acknowledgment that this may be unsafe, lack of nuance around ethnic etc. identity factors, etc. -- and the typical "one size fits all" and "we fixed Freud" commentary which is apparently obligatory in every contemporary psychological model.
Pros: very approachable and thorough review of FST. Lots of extremely helpful sections on triangulation and various relationship patterns, including under/over functioning (truly, a personal attack). I especially appreciated the last section on the lived experience of various relationship types, including friendships and work relationships.
Overall this model seems like an extremely -- but not universally -- useful one, especially if someone is working with families in treatment or, like all of us, just happens to exist in a family and wants to know what the hell is going on.
I recommend this book for anyone who wants to develop a better framework for understanding human relationships and to examine one's own unspoken assumptions and roles that each of us plays within those relationships. This readable, down to earth book condenses Bowen family systems theory into a relatively short explanation. It then devotes one short chapter each to five main relationship patterns that most people tend to engage in. The last part of the book invites the reader to engage in self reflection to understand the reader's own relationship patterns and to identify one's own default responses to relationship stress and conflict. The book is so well written, and the concepts so clearly explained, that it feels like light reading. It is not a long book, and can be read in a few settings. However, the concepts are profound, thought-provoking, and potentially life-changing. A key benefit of this book is that once our own relationship patterns and responses become more transparent to us, we can be more conscious and deliberate about our own responses to others. This awareness may help individuals break out of negative or damaging relationship patterns and to employ consciously more positive responses to our loved ones and friends when we encounter conflict or challenge. Thus, the information in this book has potential to help each of us build healthier and stronger relationships with our friends and family. I join with the many others who have heartily recommended this book.
An interesting summary of Bowen Family Theory, which tries to conceptualize how individuals act in the context of other people in their lives, particularly their family of origin. None are immune from these influences and I liked being forced to think about these multiple personal interactions, particularly triangulation. We are given guidelines on the healthiest way to live emotionally, with a high degree of self-determination. It was a dense read that required a lot of concentration, but I feel it was worth the slog to gain this new perspective on relationships.
Easy to read version of Friedman/Bowen theory. I find this stuff invaluable as a pastor, but I think it would be helpful for any career that involves managing people. Great reference for systems stuff, family issues, premarital counseling, and just general better understanding of human emotional structures.
This book gives an explanation of Bowen's family system theory. The first half of the book is heavy on the theory, and then the second half gets into a little bit of how to use it in real life. It doesn't read like a self-help book, and Gilbert gets props for not using words like "codependence" and other jingoistic psychobabbly words. She's completely blunt and realistic, and it's all well-written.
The basic theory is this: in order to have good relationships, you have to be a well-differentiated, individual self. This means that you have solid boundaries, and you can relate to other people without "lending and borrowing" the self, as Gilbert says. Or in my view, you can be friends with people without trying to become them or making them become you. Ironically, in order to work on being a differentiated self you have to do the work through your relationships. None of us are perfectly differentiated, so we can all improve our basic selves and our relationships. The less differentiated we are, the more anxiety in our relationships (because we get all tense about them), and the more they take on the following five postures, which can relieve anxiety in the short term but only mess things up more over time: conflict, distancing, triangling, under/over-functioning, and cut-off.
Conflict is fighting all the time. Distancing is avoidance, or avoiding talking about anything real (got elephants in the room?). Triangling is using a third person to avoid dealing with each other- the classic example is the couple that has a kid and hyper-obsesses about the kid to the point where it's the sole focus of their relationship. Gossiping is another example of triangling- if all you ever talk about is other people, you have a problem. Under/over-functioning is where one partner is the loser who can't do anything right, and the other is the over-achiever who does everything for the loser. Cut-off is when people completely end the relationship, as in divorce. Combinations of these postures can exist at the same time, and sometimes people cycle between them. Sometimes when people work on the superficial issues they think they're making progress but all they are doing is changing from one posture to another.
Probably the most important aspect of this theory is that undifferentiation and relationship postures are carried on from generation to generation. So it's not really your parents fault, but yes you learned it all from them, and they learned it from their parents, etc etc. Also your own level of differentiation and the postures you adopt in relationships are based on how you interacted with your entire family of origin, not just your parents. Gilbert stresses that in order to move up the scale of differentiation and have better relationships, we have to go back to our original families and work on our relationships there. This doesn't involve changing anyone else or acting like a therapist- all it involves is changing ourselves, and the way we relate to everyone else.
There is a lot more, I'm only scratching the surface here.
I am so glad I found this book, because it is convincing and explains everything clearly. I am motivated to try to work on myself, and I have some idea of how to proceed. Other books I've read on the subject were too barfy and jargony, or they touched on the surface of the issues without getting to the heart of the matter.
The basic theory is this: in order to have good relationships, you have to be a well-differentiated, individual self. This means that you have solid boundaries, and you can relate to other people without "lending and borrowing" the self, as Gilbert says. Or in my view, you can be friends with people without trying to become them or making them become you. Ironically, in order to work on being a differentiated self you have to do the work through your relationships. None of us are perfectly differentiated, so we can all improve our basic selves and our relationships. The less differentiated we are, the more anxiety in our relationships (because we get all tense about them), and the more they take on the following five postures, which can relieve anxiety in the short term but only mess things up more over time: conflict, distancing, triangling, under/over-functioning, and cut-off.
Conflict is fighting all the time. Distancing is avoidance, or avoiding talking about anything real (got elephants in the room?). Triangling is using a third person to avoid dealing with each other- the classic example is the couple that has a kid and hyper-obsesses about the kid to the point where it's the sole focus of their relationship. Gossiping is another example of triangling- if all you ever talk about is other people, you have a problem. Under/over-functioning is where one partner is the loser who can't do anything right, and the other is the over-achiever who does everything for the loser. Cut-off is when people completely end the relationship, as in divorce. Combinations of these postures can exist at the same time, and sometimes people cycle between them. Sometimes when people work on the superficial issues they think they're making progress but all they are doing is changing from one posture to another.
Probably the most important aspect of this theory is that undifferentiation and relationship postures are carried on from generation to generation. So it's not really your parents fault, but yes you learned it all from them, and they learned it from their parents, etc etc. Also your own level of differentiation and the postures you adopt in relationships are based on how you interacted with your entire family of origin, not just your parents. Gilbert stresses that in order to move up the scale of differentiation and have better relationships, we have to go back to our original families and work on our relationships there. This doesn't involve changing anyone else or acting like a therapist- all it involves is changing ourselves, and the way we relate to everyone else.
There is a lot more, I'm only scratching the surface here.
I am so glad I found this book, because it is convincing and explains everything clearly. I am motivated to try to work on myself, and I have some idea of how to proceed. Other books I've read on the subject were too barfy and jargony, or they touched on the surface of the issues without getting to the heart of the matter.
My therapist is currently out on maternity leave and I am enjoying more free time because my internship is done. I figured this would be a good time for individual study and asked her to recommend reading that would be beneficial based on my therapy goals and personal issues. This was her strongest recommendation. I think it was an excellent choice. I would give it 4.5 stars, but not the full 5 because it is a little too academic-- I think it would be helpful for a lot of people I know, but not sure they would read it because of the academic tone. I will probably recommend it anyway with that caveat.
I would be interested in knowing if the author wrote any implementation or guide books on the theory. I can see definite applications in my life but I am not sure how to go about it. Certainly much of Bowen's theory and approach are incorporated in therapeutic practice these days, regardless of theoretical orientation, because it is quite sound. Achieving or maximizing true self really does empower one to bring their best to everything else in life, including interpersonal relationships. And I see the value in addressing the emotional relationships with family of origin in order to reduce the impact of the patterns learned in that environment. But I think that a person should work on clearer differentiation first in order to avoid getting sucked back into toxic roles.
Will definitely read this again because there is much to be gained in my own differentiation journey and in future mental health work. I will also look for additional readings on the theory that are hopefully more contemporary. There are aspects of the modern world and multiculturalism that are not addressed which I think are valuable. And the incorporation of Toman's theories on sibling positions was helpful if incomplete (I saw some solid stuff that pertained to my own family although our blended variation was not accounted for), and entirely too heteronormative and patriarchal for a lot of people to be comfortable with
I would be interested in knowing if the author wrote any implementation or guide books on the theory. I can see definite applications in my life but I am not sure how to go about it. Certainly much of Bowen's theory and approach are incorporated in therapeutic practice these days, regardless of theoretical orientation, because it is quite sound. Achieving or maximizing true self really does empower one to bring their best to everything else in life, including interpersonal relationships. And I see the value in addressing the emotional relationships with family of origin in order to reduce the impact of the patterns learned in that environment. But I think that a person should work on clearer differentiation first in order to avoid getting sucked back into toxic roles.
Will definitely read this again because there is much to be gained in my own differentiation journey and in future mental health work. I will also look for additional readings on the theory that are hopefully more contemporary. There are aspects of the modern world and multiculturalism that are not addressed which I think are valuable. And the incorporation of Toman's theories on sibling positions was helpful if incomplete (I saw some solid stuff that pertained to my own family although our blended variation was not accounted for), and entirely too heteronormative and patriarchal for a lot of people to be comfortable with
Great book! After reading about Bowen theory I now have a better understanding on my interactions with not only my family but friends and coworkers as well. Gilbert does a great job of talking about Bowen theory in a way that is easy to understand. This is not a self help book, whether it is theory on how we relate to other people and how we take in patterns from our own family and how this affects are own personal relationships.
challenging
informative
inspiring
slow-paced
Bowen is a foundational thinker in the history of family theory, and it is easy to see why. His theory is complex and yet somehow simple, and he asks you to begin to deal with your own family issues, before faithfully stepping into other families’ issues. Gilbert does a good job of explaining it in a very readable way.