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sarah42783's review
2.0
π Buddy reread with the clueless new mercenary recruits Elena, Maria and Mark over at BB&B. Under the wicked supervision of our Ever-Stalking Black Company Overlord (ESBCOβ’), of course π
Previous rating: 2 stars.
New rating: 2.558694258 stars.
β½ And the mathematical moral of this reread is:
β He of the Awesome Plant Name's (HotAPNβ’) narration: +3 stars
β Fido the Super Cute Puppy (FtSCPβ’) and his best buddy the Ever Pissed Off Wicker Man (EPOWMβ’): +6 stars
β My ΓΌber cuddly Plain of Fear pets: +15 stars
β Spoiler spoiler spoiler: +4 stars
β Verbal vandals (aka aggravating menhirs R Us): +15 stars
β The 24-karat Lunatic (aka Old Daddy Tree): +5 stars
β The Bright as Light Bulbs Gang (BaLBGβ’): +3 stars
β Raven (aka no bloody fishing comment): -16.235698743 stars
β The Telelenova-Worthy Drama Llama of Spontaneous Self-Combustion (TWDLoSSCβ’): -12.935879489 stars
β The Potato Digging Trap of Doom and Oblivion (PDToDaOβ’): -14.528421768 stars
β Let's make a stew why don't we: -4.741305742 stars
= 2.558694258 starsHa!
Yep, pretty much.
P.S. Still pretending this one never happened and stuff.
[Original review]
β Buddy read with the BBB mercenaries β
Warning #1: I'm mad as hell right now. Just thought I'd let you know.
Warning #2: there will be spoilers in this review. Got a problem with that? Too bad.
Okay, this non-review thing is going to be a mess because I'm really pissed right now. I wish I was pissed because too much vodka, but that is unfortunately not the case. I might down a few bottles when I'm done writing this thing, though. It might help deal with the anger and disappointment. But I digress. Why am I pissed right now? This book. And you, Glen Cook. Damn, I'm so pissed at you I could punch something.
Yeah, that feels slightly better. But I'm going to need a lot more than that to release all that pent-up anger.
So we have this FREAKING AMAZING series packed with FREAKING AMAZING stuff: devious wickedness paradise, completely amoral bastards heaven, backstabbing nirvana, most awesomest evil chicks ever, coolest battles in the history of cool battles, blood and gore yay, hell-yeah magic, ever awesome creatures, gruesome fights, assholes and liar everywhere, boom-wow-damn-blow-my-mind everything. Basically the kind of stuff that usually turns me into this type of slightly deranged person:
That is obviously not the case here. Why? Damn. I have so many thoughts going through my head right now I don't know where to start. You know what this reminds me of? The Sirantha Jax Disaster of Epic Proportions. Let's rewind for a bit here: right after I finished reading [b:Aftermath|10648186|Aftermath (Sirantha Jax, #5)|Ann Aguirre|https://images.gr-assets.com/books/1388447612s/10648186.jpg|10219927], I rated it 5 stars. The more I thought about the book, the more my rage and disappointment grew. And the more I lowered my rating. That is exactly what happened here. As I was reading the book, some things annoyed the hell out of me but my undying love for the previous instalments in this series tricked me into thinking I would go for a 4-star rating. For once, I knew exactly what I was going to say in my review. Half of it was already written. Then the last chapters happened. First I was shocked. Then dumbfounded. Or maybe I was dumbfounded first, and then shocked. Who the hell knows? Anyway, at that point I was still going for a 4-star rating. What can I say? I'm an idiot. Then I started writing a pre-review, and this glorious thought came to me: WHAT THE BLOODY HELL, Glen Cook?! So I decided to knock a star off my rating. Then I thought about it some more, and the next thing that went through my little head was: WHAT THE FLYING FUCK, Glen Cook??!! So I decided to knock another star off my rating. And that's when I decided to stop thinking about it because I didn't want to go the Sirantha Way and end up giving this book a 1-star rating.
Right. Calm and relaxed. That's me.
Β» Okay, this is where the Spoilers from Hell are going to happen. Don't say I didn't warn you.
Want to know what ruined this story for me? Here goes:
β Raven
You have got to be kidding me. What happened? Did the guy get a personality transplant while I wasn't looking? What the hell, Glen Cook?! How could you take such a cold-hearted badass character and turn him into a pathetic, weak, lovesick, woe-is-me drunken fool? What sense does it make? None whatsoever. We get a glimpse of the old Raven we used to love towards the end of the book, but it was way too little, way too late. Besides, we get the old Raven back and what does Cook do? Okay, I'm going to use spoiler tags here because I'm freaking pissed but I still have a heartBIG BIG BIG SPOILER SPOILER SPOILER AHEAD. He fucking kills him! Once second he's there and the next, boom! Dead! Unbelievable. This smells so much like manufactured drama it felt like watching a freaking telenovela. Which takes us directly toβ¦
β‘ The Black Company: Soap Opera Version
You have got to be kidding me. A lame love triangle? In this series? Somebody please kill me. Raven and Silent, fighting over Darling? And freaking out whenever Case speaks/is with her? PLEASE tell me you're kidding. To make things worse, Darling is the blandest, flattest, dullest female character ever. She is about as emotional as a brick. Or a barnacle. If only The Lady had been around to kick her ass once and for all. And the lovesick puppies, aka Raven and Silent? *shakes head in utter desperation* As I've mentioned before Raven behaving like a lovesick puppy makes as much sense as me reading Historical Romance novels until the end of days. And Silent? The guy is so freaking silent here he becomes invisible. He could have died in the first few pages of the book and it wouldn't have made a difference. It would have made one big difference, actually: it would have made most of the whole soap opera bullshit go poof. And that might have saved the book from total disaster. But Silent didn't die and a disaster it was. And finally, we have my man Philodendron. Which takes us directly tooβ¦
β’ THE POTATO DIGGING HEA:
You have got to be kidding me. YOU HAVE GOT TO BE KIDDING ME. WHAT THE HELL, Glen Cook?! I can't say I was surprised when Case and Darling hooked up. It was pathetic, but I had seen it coming from hundreds of miles away. What bugged the hell out of me is that after all that happened, after all the gruesome fights and battles, and after all the irrelevant sub-plots Cook put us through, it's all over in about 5 seconds. Case and Darling take the spike, throw it into the tree god's abyss or whatever, and off to get it on they go: "Somehow we ended up doing what men and women seem unable to avoid." Lame, lamer, lamest. And then what? Darling dresses as a peasant woman, and they set off to "check out the progress of the potato industry". End of story. I kid you not.
ββ This is the gif I use whenever I read suicide-inducing PNR crap. The fact that I'm using it for this book should tell you something.
And the moral of this mess of a review is: this sucks because THIS SUCKS, but it also sucks because I loved Philodendron Case's character. He was an awesome addition to the cast. Besides, how can you NOT love a guy who's named after a plant? And this also sucks because we have the ever-amazing-ever-gruesome-battles with the Plain of Fear menagerie. And this also sucks because there are evil assholes and devious, backstabbing liars everywhere. And this also sucks because I love Toadkiller dog. And The Limper (non-stewed version). And this also sucks because up until Cook decided to BIG BIG BIG SPOILER SPOILER SPOILER (I'm done having a heart, to hell with the spoiler tags) kill Raven, the last chapters were pretty amazing. But then it all ended in a blaze of fucking potato digging glory. And that is just not done.
I wanted to read [b:Shadow Games|113540|Shadow Games (The Chronicles of the Black Company, #4)|Glen Cook|https://images.gr-assets.com/books/1389666582s/113540.jpg|109313] right after this one, but I'm in no hurry to do so now. Even though Croaker and The Lady-OMG-I'm-SO-In-Love-With-You await. Yes, that's how bad the situation is. I'm going to need some time to digest this. And when I say time, I mean TIME. Glen Cook, I don't like you very much right now.
Β· Book 1: The Black Company β β β β β
Β·Book 1.5: Port of Shadows β
β I have no idea where this book came from, or what it's about. Pretty sure I never read it.
Β· Book 2: Shadows Linger β β β β β
Β· Book 2.2 (short story): Shaggy Dog Bridge β β β β β
Β· Book 2.3 (short story): Bone Eaters β β β β β
Β· Book 3: The White Rose β β β β β
Β· Book 4: Shadow Games β β β β β
Β· Book 5: Dreams of Steel β β β β β
Β· Book 6: Bleak Seasons β β β β β
Β· Book 7: She Is The Darkness β β β β β
Β· Book 8: Water Sleeps β β β β β
Β· Book 9: Soldiers Live β β β β β
Previous rating: 2 stars.
New rating: 2.558694258 stars.
β½ And the mathematical moral of this reread is:
β He of the Awesome Plant Name's (HotAPNβ’) narration: +3 stars
β Fido the Super Cute Puppy (FtSCPβ’) and his best buddy the Ever Pissed Off Wicker Man (EPOWMβ’): +6 stars
β My ΓΌber cuddly Plain of Fear pets: +15 stars
β Spoiler spoiler spoiler: +4 stars
β Verbal vandals (aka aggravating menhirs R Us): +15 stars
β The 24-karat Lunatic (aka Old Daddy Tree): +5 stars
β The Bright as Light Bulbs Gang (BaLBGβ’): +3 stars
β Raven (aka no bloody fishing comment): -16.235698743 stars
β The Telelenova-Worthy Drama Llama of Spontaneous Self-Combustion (TWDLoSSCβ’): -12.935879489 stars
β The Potato Digging Trap of Doom and Oblivion (PDToDaOβ’): -14.528421768 stars
β Let's make a stew why don't we: -4.741305742 stars
= 2.558694258 stars
Yep, pretty much.
P.S. Still pretending this one never happened and stuff.
[Original review]
β Buddy read with the BBB mercenaries β
Warning #1: I'm mad as hell right now. Just thought I'd let you know.
Warning #2: there will be spoilers in this review. Got a problem with that? Too bad.
Okay, this non-review thing is going to be a mess because I'm really pissed right now. I wish I was pissed because too much vodka, but that is unfortunately not the case. I might down a few bottles when I'm done writing this thing, though. It might help deal with the anger and disappointment. But I digress. Why am I pissed right now? This book. And you, Glen Cook. Damn, I'm so pissed at you I could punch something.
Yeah, that feels slightly better. But I'm going to need a lot more than that to release all that pent-up anger.
So we have this FREAKING AMAZING series packed with FREAKING AMAZING stuff: devious wickedness paradise, completely amoral bastards heaven, backstabbing nirvana, most awesomest evil chicks ever, coolest battles in the history of cool battles, blood and gore yay, hell-yeah magic, ever awesome creatures, gruesome fights, assholes and liar everywhere, boom-wow-damn-blow-my-mind everything. Basically the kind of stuff that usually turns me into this type of slightly deranged person:
That is obviously not the case here. Why? Damn. I have so many thoughts going through my head right now I don't know where to start. You know what this reminds me of? The Sirantha Jax Disaster of Epic Proportions. Let's rewind for a bit here: right after I finished reading [b:Aftermath|10648186|Aftermath (Sirantha Jax, #5)|Ann Aguirre|https://images.gr-assets.com/books/1388447612s/10648186.jpg|10219927], I rated it 5 stars. The more I thought about the book, the more my rage and disappointment grew. And the more I lowered my rating. That is exactly what happened here. As I was reading the book, some things annoyed the hell out of me but my undying love for the previous instalments in this series tricked me into thinking I would go for a 4-star rating. For once, I knew exactly what I was going to say in my review. Half of it was already written. Then the last chapters happened. First I was shocked. Then dumbfounded. Or maybe I was dumbfounded first, and then shocked. Who the hell knows? Anyway, at that point I was still going for a 4-star rating. What can I say? I'm an idiot. Then I started writing a pre-review, and this glorious thought came to me: WHAT THE BLOODY HELL, Glen Cook?! So I decided to knock a star off my rating. Then I thought about it some more, and the next thing that went through my little head was: WHAT THE FLYING FUCK, Glen Cook??!! So I decided to knock another star off my rating. And that's when I decided to stop thinking about it because I didn't want to go the Sirantha Way and end up giving this book a 1-star rating.
Right. Calm and relaxed. That's me.
Β» Okay, this is where the Spoilers from Hell are going to happen. Don't say I didn't warn you.
Want to know what ruined this story for me? Here goes:
β Raven
You have got to be kidding me. What happened? Did the guy get a personality transplant while I wasn't looking? What the hell, Glen Cook?! How could you take such a cold-hearted badass character and turn him into a pathetic, weak, lovesick, woe-is-me drunken fool? What sense does it make? None whatsoever. We get a glimpse of the old Raven we used to love towards the end of the book, but it was way too little, way too late. Besides, we get the old Raven back and what does Cook do? Okay, I'm going to use spoiler tags here because I'm freaking pissed but I still have a heart
β‘ The Black Company: Soap Opera Version
You have got to be kidding me. A lame love triangle? In this series? Somebody please kill me. Raven and Silent, fighting over Darling? And freaking out whenever Case speaks/is with her? PLEASE tell me you're kidding. To make things worse, Darling is the blandest, flattest, dullest female character ever. She is about as emotional as a brick. Or a barnacle. If only The Lady had been around to kick her ass once and for all. And the lovesick puppies, aka Raven and Silent? *shakes head in utter desperation* As I've mentioned before Raven behaving like a lovesick puppy makes as much sense as me reading Historical Romance novels until the end of days. And Silent? The guy is so freaking silent here he becomes invisible. He could have died in the first few pages of the book and it wouldn't have made a difference. It would have made one big difference, actually: it would have made most of the whole soap opera bullshit go poof. And that might have saved the book from total disaster. But Silent didn't die and a disaster it was. And finally, we have my man Philodendron. Which takes us directly tooβ¦
β’ THE POTATO DIGGING HEA:
You have got to be kidding me. YOU HAVE GOT TO BE KIDDING ME. WHAT THE HELL, Glen Cook?! I can't say I was surprised when Case and Darling hooked up. It was pathetic, but I had seen it coming from hundreds of miles away. What bugged the hell out of me is that after all that happened, after all the gruesome fights and battles, and after all the irrelevant sub-plots Cook put us through, it's all over in about 5 seconds. Case and Darling take the spike, throw it into the tree god's abyss or whatever, and off to get it on they go: "Somehow we ended up doing what men and women seem unable to avoid." Lame, lamer, lamest. And then what? Darling dresses as a peasant woman, and they set off to "check out the progress of the potato industry". End of story. I kid you not.
ββ This is the gif I use whenever I read suicide-inducing PNR crap. The fact that I'm using it for this book should tell you something.
And the moral of this mess of a review is: this sucks because THIS SUCKS, but it also sucks because I loved Philodendron Case's character. He was an awesome addition to the cast. Besides, how can you NOT love a guy who's named after a plant? And this also sucks because we have the ever-amazing-ever-gruesome-battles with the Plain of Fear menagerie. And this also sucks because there are evil assholes and devious, backstabbing liars everywhere. And this also sucks because I love Toadkiller dog. And The Limper (non-stewed version). And this also sucks because up until Cook decided to BIG BIG BIG SPOILER SPOILER SPOILER (I'm done having a heart, to hell with the spoiler tags) kill Raven, the last chapters were pretty amazing. But then it all ended in a blaze of fucking potato digging glory. And that is just not done.
I wanted to read [b:Shadow Games|113540|Shadow Games (The Chronicles of the Black Company, #4)|Glen Cook|https://images.gr-assets.com/books/1389666582s/113540.jpg|109313] right after this one, but I'm in no hurry to do so now. Even though Croaker and The Lady-OMG-I'm-SO-In-Love-With-You await. Yes, that's how bad the situation is. I'm going to need some time to digest this. And when I say time, I mean TIME. Glen Cook, I don't like you very much right now.
Β· Book 1: The Black Company β β β β β
Β·
Β· Book 2: Shadows Linger β β β β β
Β· Book 2.2 (short story): Shaggy Dog Bridge β β β β β
Β· Book 2.3 (short story): Bone Eaters β β β β β
Β· Book 3: The White Rose β β β β β
Β· Book 4: Shadow Games β β β β β
Β· Book 5: Dreams of Steel β β β β β
Β· Book 6: Bleak Seasons β β β β β
Β· Book 7: She Is The Darkness β β β β β
Β· Book 8: Water Sleeps β β β β β
Β· Book 9: Soldiers Live β β β β β
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