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valenmmesa's review against another edition
challenging
emotional
informative
inspiring
lighthearted
reflective
tense
slow-paced
4.5
lestaslettering's review against another edition
5.0
To truly heal, you have to admit you are hurting. And that's what this book has done for me effectively. I could keep lying to myself my whole life how what I'm facing is not all bad compared to the abuse my mom faces but this book helps me recognize, in addition to the identification of my unhealthy relationship to my father actually having an effect on me (which I was denying to myself) , it helps me see the covert manipulation employed by my mother in her neediness towards me while being a woman who loves too much herself and never being able to appreciate what I do for her, preoccupied with her own sorrow and my ever staying need to please her, to give her what my father couldn't give her while no one appreciating my sacrifices and being good to not be a burden for her and everyone advicing me to take care of her in the future and feeling guilty for not wanting to.
I put her on a pedestal for doing all the little things she did for me despite what she was facing never fully grasping the fact that it's a mother's duty to do such things for her children lest she choose to have them. I prided myself for not asking too much and finding other ways to attain the love and affection from the temporary highs, the friendships and relationships with emotionally unavailable people provided me.
I deluded myself that its always better to love too much than not enough and the reason my parents were unhappy was because of the complete lack of love in their relationship and as long as I could compensate by loving too much, people would stay, but they still didn't. I tried too hard , setting up myself to pursue relationships I knew subconsciously would go nowhere just to fulfill my need to give love and never once did it occur to me that it was a two way street and I was deserving enough of being on the receiving end, because if your own parents couldn't love you, why would anyone?
Over the years I perfected the role of giving too much, caring too much, doing something for another person they could do themselves or just appreciation which wasn't required but validated because of me putting them on a pedestal, that though I was fabulous at my role devoting all my time and energy for it risking my own bouts of depression to get frighteningly worse, but I still ended up with pain and suffering all the time and I blamed other people for not loving me enough when it was my fault for not giving myself the priority. I put my needs last and I thought it was noble to do so, always giving and giving, and receiving from amazing people felt uncomfortable and I only felt useful when I was helping someone else. I had trouble accepting that just my presence is enough in meeting a friend and I went on to buy them gifts for taking time out of their life to meet up with me.
So though sometimes I felt that to be off and that this pattern of my coping was wrong, though ai tried, it became more worse and I couldn't stop. I didn't know and I don't know who I am when I'm not obsessing over a guy, real or fictional. So it is really important to me this book forced me to realize the first step or more like my higher self forced me to acknowledge myself in the words and situations the other women experienced which I haven't yet, but might , if I continue denying my own reality furthermore. So yes, my home life damaged me. I am damaged. Before I go to buts and excuses as to why I never admitted this to myself before now, I want to thank the author for writing in the collective first person as we, giving me the empowerment to be honest with myself.
I understand now there is a lot of patterns with myself and others that I employ which I need to change and focus and introspect on my own welfare. I have been in the process of recovery for several years but without fully accepting the responsibility to heal myself and often blaming my parents and those men in my life and abusive bosses. I cannot live like that anymore, going from one high to another and spending the gap complaining. I know I deserve better but I'm still trying to come in terms with the fact that I deserve love simply for who i am and not for what I can do for someone.
I would like to experience how it feels to be on the receiving end of the love, understanding and acceptance from others but before all that, just as this book encourages, I want to hold still and cultivate my self acceptance and improve my self esteem. Years of my recovery from depression and suicidal thoughts taught me the importance of self love and positive thinking but it's possible to love yourself even when you don't accept yourself or even when your self esteem is low. So my brand of self love was something along the lines of 'I'm not great company but that's ok, because I love my company.', 'I'm a mess but it's okay I can handle myself' and so on. My skewed version of love and acceptance was a disaster not only to what I gave other people but what I gave to myself too and mislabeled it as self love and acceptance when it was anything but. And it didn't stare me at the face until I was reading the steps of recovery in this book and how distorted my version was.
Now I want to truly recover but I'm also beginning to realize I cannot do it alone. And suppressing my truth to make others comfortable has made me be dishonest to myself and also made it so difficult to even realizing that. I did not choose to read this book and it came to me entirely by accident but now I feel there are no accidents. I was going to get myself into just another mind game to fulfill my 'need' for love and gratification and I take this as an interference from my higher self for the help I have always asked for. I will use this as a first step in my what's going to be a long road with several of my fantasized distortions falling apart.
I would also like to add that my spiritual path, not necessarily religious helped me achieve an inner sanctum at least, of peace and comfort and yes it did help me a lot. They say when a student is ready, the teacher appears and I would like to believe this book came upon my journey because I'm finally ready to dissolve old beliefs and take responsibility to live a beautiful life with healthy patterns. Thank you Robin Norwood for this book.
I put her on a pedestal for doing all the little things she did for me despite what she was facing never fully grasping the fact that it's a mother's duty to do such things for her children lest she choose to have them. I prided myself for not asking too much and finding other ways to attain the love and affection from the temporary highs, the friendships and relationships with emotionally unavailable people provided me.
I deluded myself that its always better to love too much than not enough and the reason my parents were unhappy was because of the complete lack of love in their relationship and as long as I could compensate by loving too much, people would stay, but they still didn't. I tried too hard , setting up myself to pursue relationships I knew subconsciously would go nowhere just to fulfill my need to give love and never once did it occur to me that it was a two way street and I was deserving enough of being on the receiving end, because if your own parents couldn't love you, why would anyone?
Over the years I perfected the role of giving too much, caring too much, doing something for another person they could do themselves or just appreciation which wasn't required but validated because of me putting them on a pedestal, that though I was fabulous at my role devoting all my time and energy for it risking my own bouts of depression to get frighteningly worse, but I still ended up with pain and suffering all the time and I blamed other people for not loving me enough when it was my fault for not giving myself the priority. I put my needs last and I thought it was noble to do so, always giving and giving, and receiving from amazing people felt uncomfortable and I only felt useful when I was helping someone else. I had trouble accepting that just my presence is enough in meeting a friend and I went on to buy them gifts for taking time out of their life to meet up with me.
So though sometimes I felt that to be off and that this pattern of my coping was wrong, though ai tried, it became more worse and I couldn't stop. I didn't know and I don't know who I am when I'm not obsessing over a guy, real or fictional. So it is really important to me this book forced me to realize the first step or more like my higher self forced me to acknowledge myself in the words and situations the other women experienced which I haven't yet, but might , if I continue denying my own reality furthermore. So yes, my home life damaged me. I am damaged. Before I go to buts and excuses as to why I never admitted this to myself before now, I want to thank the author for writing in the collective first person as we, giving me the empowerment to be honest with myself.
I understand now there is a lot of patterns with myself and others that I employ which I need to change and focus and introspect on my own welfare. I have been in the process of recovery for several years but without fully accepting the responsibility to heal myself and often blaming my parents and those men in my life and abusive bosses. I cannot live like that anymore, going from one high to another and spending the gap complaining. I know I deserve better but I'm still trying to come in terms with the fact that I deserve love simply for who i am and not for what I can do for someone.
I would like to experience how it feels to be on the receiving end of the love, understanding and acceptance from others but before all that, just as this book encourages, I want to hold still and cultivate my self acceptance and improve my self esteem. Years of my recovery from depression and suicidal thoughts taught me the importance of self love and positive thinking but it's possible to love yourself even when you don't accept yourself or even when your self esteem is low. So my brand of self love was something along the lines of 'I'm not great company but that's ok, because I love my company.', 'I'm a mess but it's okay I can handle myself' and so on. My skewed version of love and acceptance was a disaster not only to what I gave other people but what I gave to myself too and mislabeled it as self love and acceptance when it was anything but. And it didn't stare me at the face until I was reading the steps of recovery in this book and how distorted my version was.
Now I want to truly recover but I'm also beginning to realize I cannot do it alone. And suppressing my truth to make others comfortable has made me be dishonest to myself and also made it so difficult to even realizing that. I did not choose to read this book and it came to me entirely by accident but now I feel there are no accidents. I was going to get myself into just another mind game to fulfill my 'need' for love and gratification and I take this as an interference from my higher self for the help I have always asked for. I will use this as a first step in my what's going to be a long road with several of my fantasized distortions falling apart.
I would also like to add that my spiritual path, not necessarily religious helped me achieve an inner sanctum at least, of peace and comfort and yes it did help me a lot. They say when a student is ready, the teacher appears and I would like to believe this book came upon my journey because I'm finally ready to dissolve old beliefs and take responsibility to live a beautiful life with healthy patterns. Thank you Robin Norwood for this book.
lanettecomeau's review against another edition
It just doesn’t resonate with me. It’s nothing against the text, the book’s interesting, but the content doesn’t apply to me (anymore).
lohknomona's review against another edition
challenging
emotional
slow-paced
4.5
Very informative and a must-read when you've noticed a pattern in failing relationships, whether they be friendships or else.
It's also a way to learn how to help others, as well as about addictions and the way they hurt others.
This is a book I'm very glad to have found and read.
It's also a way to learn how to help others, as well as about addictions and the way they hurt others.
This is a book I'm very glad to have found and read.