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sarah42783's review
5.0
“You little swine! Ingrates! I let you live here and this is how you repay me? You’ll turn this place into a condominium for louche pixies over my dead body!”You tell them, Mostly Heartless Paramour Mine (MHPM™)!
Are there skirting boards in your homes, my Clueless Barnacles? There are? Uh-oh, I’m afraid you are slightly doomed and stuff. For there is a chance that your harmless-looking mouldings might possibly perhaps be home to a bunch of “double-dealing pocket-sized property developers”, aka the “ungrateful little bastards,” aka the Skirtingboard People. You have no idea the lengths these vicious little
Okay, so I’m almost nearly certain that the TMaMTV™ look nothing like our Scrumptiously Friendly Friend Stripe (SFFS™) here, but kindred spirits in Most Malevolent Intent (MMI™) they most assuredly are. That I can guarantee.
While it is natural for puny humans to be very afraid of the Skirtingboard People of Little-To-No-Morals, my boyfriend is—as should be expected—wholly unimpressed by the little swine’s malicious shenanigans.
“Seen worse,” said Johannes Cabal and bolted for the stairs.Of course you have, my dear. Whatever these duplicitous midgets might throw at you is naught but a complete joke compared to what you have to deal with in your daily life. I mean, you resuscitate Deadly Dead People™ for a living (or try to, anyway), practice “messy acts of euthanasia” regularly and have in your possession the deadliest weapon known to man, aka cheap plaster busts of Napoleon Bonaparte. (These being quite the “handy tool for examining the effect of cheap statuary on reanimated flesh.” Just so you know and stuff.)
So. The Skirtingboard People try to go for my boyfriend. Spoiler spoiler spoiler ensues. And much deliciously acerbic hilarity, too. And that’s all I can say about the plot. Because, you know, spoiler spoiler spoiler and stuff. Well, I guess I can tell you that the “closing-down sales of failed cults” are discussed in the story. So are “meteorologically obsessed sociopaths,” relatively innocent-looking cellars and “women with a fetish for lunatics in galoshes”. The “Horrid Flesh Dissolving Red Snow of Umtak Ktharl that Makes a Sighing Noise” is also mentioned, but that’s something you don’t want to ask about, so we’ll just pretend I never mentioned it and stuff. Let’s see, what other non-spoilerish stuff could I tell you about? That my Corpse-Reanimating Cutie Pie™ gets a little irritated with the workings of his inner mind, maybe? It might not be a very exciting fact, but it’s very true. And very understandable, too, when you know how bloody abstruse my boyfriend’s medulla oblongata (don’t you love it when I use BIG WORDS?) insists on being sometimes.
“His subconscious was trying to tell him something but, being a subconscious, couldn’t just go ahead and tell him. Oh, no, it had to get all “signs and symbols” with him.”I swear, the subconscious can be such a pain sometimes. That’s why I love severing puny humans’ heads so much. Most efficient way to get rid of tortuous mental processes, methinks.
Yes, yes, I know, this non-review is getting much longer than the short story it is supposed to be about, so it’s time for the crap to be dramatically cut and stuff. So. All you need to know about this Mostest Cleverly Funniest Cabal Adventure The Crustaceans Have Read So Far (MCFCATCHRSF™) is: the Skirtingboard People might be cunning as shrimp, but my Yummilicious Necromancer is Super Extra Machiavellian™, doesn’t really have a conscience and doesn’t give a fish about the price of human/supernatural/whatever life. So QED and stuff. Also:
What’s that about, you ask? I’m afraid you’ll have to read this story to find out, my Lovely Arthropods. Muhahahahaha and stuff.
· Book 0.75: Exeunt Demon King ★★★★
· Book 1: The Necromancer ★★★★★
· Book 2: The Detective ★★★★★
· Book 2.5: The Ereshkigal Working ★★★★★
· Book 3: The Fear Institute ★★★★★
· Book 3.1: The House of Gears ★★★★
· Book 3.2: The Death of Me ★★★
· Book 3.3: Ouroboros Ouzo ★★★★
· Book 4: The Brothers Cabal ★★★★
· Book 4.5: A Long Spoon ★★★★★
· Book 5: The Fall of the House of Cabal ★★★★★
hollowspine's review
3.0
A really fun short story featuring Johannes Cabal before the start of the first novel, Johannes Cabal the Necromancer. In short, I guess he never really had a 'normal' day, but this short story encompasses one of the more interesting days in the life of a necromancer. A good laugh.
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