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mosswood's review against another edition
hopeful
informative
reflective
fast-paced
5.0
I loved this book, it taught me about a group I knew near to nothing about but related and understood through the authors explanations so deeply! It is such a nuanced and well developed without being overwhelming, truly loved reading it.
allisonwonderlandreads's review against another edition
hopeful
informative
inspiring
reflective
medium-paced
4.0
Ace Voices shares the collected interviews of forty people about their a-spec/aroace identities and experiences. Each segment of the book organizes moments from these interviews around central topics and includes discussion questions for self-reflection. It feels like a book for the community, including those who might not yet be sure if it suits them. Its purpose isn't to explain aroace identities to others, though anyone could learn something from what it has to say.
Even as someone who's been aware of the ace spectrum and my connection to it for a while, there were some good takeaways that taught me something new or asked me to consider something on a deeper level. In some sections, it gave me words for a phenomenon I've felt but couldn't have described myself. I think it's the power of many voices to provide those kinds of opportunities even if you feel well-informed.
One such topic was the idea of "gold star aces" as a consequence of visibility campaigns led by the ace community. They highlighted aces who fit other ideals like having romantic partners to make an ace identity seem more palatable/less scary to other people. While the goal was to show how reality differs from the robotic stereotype of an a-spec identity, it created this ideal that actually alienates many who could be a part of the community. It makes it hard for people with intersections that are actively not represented (like BIPOC people or those with disabilities or men) to relate to what being ace looks like according to this narrow view. It also flattens the variety of the asexual spectrum and ignores aromantic ones entirely.
And just as the ace community isn't appropriately welcoming enough to all who ought to be included, the broader queer community isn't always structured with a-spec people in mind. For example, the LQBTQIA+ community has long had good reason to embrace sex positivity, but in some spaces, that can translate to a feeling of compulsory sexuality. A feminist space or a queer one that might be otherwise affirming can become alienating when conversations assume a comfortability with experiencing and discussing physical intimacy that not all a-spec people enjoy (or only do in some specific scenarios).
I appreciate the author's goal of not making the book all about what a-spec people aren't or don't want. For example, it's not all about not wanting sex or romance. It's about the relationships aces value, especially friendships. This can be a source of great joy but also of struggle in a society where friendships are at the bottom of the relationship hierarchy. Friends might enter into romantic/sexual relationships and no longer have time or space for their platonic connections. Friendship is associated with adolescence-- something to discard when your all-consuming "adult" relationship comes along. It's a further layer that infantilizes the ace experience along with the judgments for not taking up those so-called adult relationships for themselves. The author points out that the hierarchy is unfortunate for everyone because friendships lack all the social trappings and limitations that come with romantic ones. It's a freeing space for both a-spec and allo people when done right.
I also think the book does a great job of distinctly including both asexual and aromantic experiences, especially because aromantic ones are generally harder for people to understand and less visible than asexual identities. Romance is ubiquitous and taken for granted in society, yet we can't clearly delineate its boundaries. It's important to consider what romantic attraction means as its own thing separate from something sexual or platonic. It's an individual decision, and the book explores how a-spec people are kind of at the forefront of trying to figure it out. Is it just a feeling? How do you identify it? When and how does it matter? I learned the phrase "queerplatonic" for relationships beyond the romantic/platonic binary. This could be a situation where people take on roles as life partners without ascribing a romantic lens to it, and yet it's not the same as other friendships. The author also explores poly relationships to show how not just a-spec people but anyone could find freedom beyond strict, monogamous relationship expectations. Both queerplatonic and poly arrangements can give a-spec people a more open space to communicate and get what they need.
This is an interesting read, and I envision myself returning to it in the future to spend more time reflecting on the discussion questions. Thanks to Jessica Knightley for my copy to read and review!
Even as someone who's been aware of the ace spectrum and my connection to it for a while, there were some good takeaways that taught me something new or asked me to consider something on a deeper level. In some sections, it gave me words for a phenomenon I've felt but couldn't have described myself. I think it's the power of many voices to provide those kinds of opportunities even if you feel well-informed.
One such topic was the idea of "gold star aces" as a consequence of visibility campaigns led by the ace community. They highlighted aces who fit other ideals like having romantic partners to make an ace identity seem more palatable/less scary to other people. While the goal was to show how reality differs from the robotic stereotype of an a-spec identity, it created this ideal that actually alienates many who could be a part of the community. It makes it hard for people with intersections that are actively not represented (like BIPOC people or those with disabilities or men) to relate to what being ace looks like according to this narrow view. It also flattens the variety of the asexual spectrum and ignores aromantic ones entirely.
And just as the ace community isn't appropriately welcoming enough to all who ought to be included, the broader queer community isn't always structured with a-spec people in mind. For example, the LQBTQIA+ community has long had good reason to embrace sex positivity, but in some spaces, that can translate to a feeling of compulsory sexuality. A feminist space or a queer one that might be otherwise affirming can become alienating when conversations assume a comfortability with experiencing and discussing physical intimacy that not all a-spec people enjoy (or only do in some specific scenarios).
I appreciate the author's goal of not making the book all about what a-spec people aren't or don't want. For example, it's not all about not wanting sex or romance. It's about the relationships aces value, especially friendships. This can be a source of great joy but also of struggle in a society where friendships are at the bottom of the relationship hierarchy. Friends might enter into romantic/sexual relationships and no longer have time or space for their platonic connections. Friendship is associated with adolescence-- something to discard when your all-consuming "adult" relationship comes along. It's a further layer that infantilizes the ace experience along with the judgments for not taking up those so-called adult relationships for themselves. The author points out that the hierarchy is unfortunate for everyone because friendships lack all the social trappings and limitations that come with romantic ones. It's a freeing space for both a-spec and allo people when done right.
I also think the book does a great job of distinctly including both asexual and aromantic experiences, especially because aromantic ones are generally harder for people to understand and less visible than asexual identities. Romance is ubiquitous and taken for granted in society, yet we can't clearly delineate its boundaries. It's important to consider what romantic attraction means as its own thing separate from something sexual or platonic. It's an individual decision, and the book explores how a-spec people are kind of at the forefront of trying to figure it out. Is it just a feeling? How do you identify it? When and how does it matter? I learned the phrase "queerplatonic" for relationships beyond the romantic/platonic binary. This could be a situation where people take on roles as life partners without ascribing a romantic lens to it, and yet it's not the same as other friendships. The author also explores poly relationships to show how not just a-spec people but anyone could find freedom beyond strict, monogamous relationship expectations. Both queerplatonic and poly arrangements can give a-spec people a more open space to communicate and get what they need.
This is an interesting read, and I envision myself returning to it in the future to spend more time reflecting on the discussion questions. Thanks to Jessica Knightley for my copy to read and review!
charlie_rosannah_reads's review against another edition
hopeful
informative
inspiring
medium-paced
5.0
emmajewish's review against another edition
challenging
informative
reflective
slow-paced
4.0
Book was a bit verbose at times. The audience is for people within (or at least very familiar with) the LGBTQ+ community, as there were many phrases and words I had to learn definitions for. That, combined with statistics and citations, made it feel like I was reading a textbook.
But is was very enlightening and informative! I just wish it was condensed a little.
But is was very enlightening and informative! I just wish it was condensed a little.
lifegoes_m's review against another edition
Very interesting, i really liked the way the author did not make romantic relationships more important than friendships and that the author mentioned that many times. Also i learned a lot which i did not expect to happen so thats great. LOVED the last section in which the interviewee’s give advice to younger people who are figuring themselves out.
Quotes: (for me to remember lol)
- "Sexual attraction is like wanting pizza, and in a world where almost everybody wants pizza (each one a different kind of pizza, but still pizza). I do not have any desire to eat pizza. This doesn’t mean I cannot eat pizza, or that if I try it I wouldn’t like it, but still I never experience the desire to eat pizza."
- "I usually just say I’m on the ace spectrum. Whether I’m completely asexual, grey, demi or what, I haven’t completely determined even after a couple decades knowing I’m in there somewhere, but I also don’t care too much to pin it down. Being “ace” is enough… I decided not to dig too deep into trying to pin down a specific term."
- “Queer” is a very useful word here: for someone whose experience of attraction, desire and sexuality might be ambiguous, undecided, in progress or wilfully un-articulated, “queer” offers a huge amount of space to play around in. It offers a way of articulating our experience without – as IJ described it – “dissecting it”.
- "This unconditionality and freedom from rigid expectations means that friendship can be anything we want it to be, and the importance of this flexibility cannot be overstated."
- "Because the thing about friendships is that they’re sites of mutual care: a network of friendships is like a garden, full of variety and therefore more healthy, robust and sustainable than a single crop. And like a vegetable garden, if you put work and energy into it, it will nourish you in return."
- "I actually found LG’s words refreshing: while they might occasionally feel romantically attracted to someone, romance was not an all-consuming driving force in their life. JK describes a similar experience, almost a type of freedom, from the many conventional expectations around dating and relationships: “[I] found that without any romantic goals for my life that maybe I didn’t need to structure my life around finding a romantic partner.”
- "There are infinite ways to be close to and express love for another person, and it’s gradually become clear to me that most of these probably don’t fit with the ways we’re taught to talk about relationships. Intimacy can be a three-hour conversation in a quiet corner of a pub, or giving your partner a massage after a long day at work, or simply being close to each other in companionable silence, in a way you aren’t with anyone else."
- "While I can enjoy romantic content in the media, I’m very much romance-confused so I have a complicated relationship with romance and romantic relationships. It’s possible that I have experienced romantic attraction before, but I wonder if it was limerence and if other people would’ve perceived them differently. It’s confusing for me to reflect too much on the romantic attraction so I try to focus on the topic of romantic relationships. I don’t know which behaviours and activities are romance-coded beyond referring to romance-coded things in the media."
- "Sex is a thing that you do not ever have to try if you don’t want to. Your sexuality is what you say it is regardless of who you have or have not had intercourse with."
- "Ultimately, deep, lasting love comes in many forms"
- "There’s nothing inherently bad about ending up on your own: we are all whole people all by ourselves. No matter what connections we find for ourselves – close friendships, a spouse, children or relatives – no other person completes us. We are each of us complete already."
- "I love being on my own, I love being the one person who determines my life and not being tied to anyone"
- "It’s freeing, in a way. To not have to think about relationships, to not have to look for someone to fall in love with. To not be dating. It’s just really nice. I can work on my personal projects without any worry. It’s quiet. I can buy some plants, maybe think about adopting a cat… I can help my friends, I can laugh at myself when sexual innuendo goes over my head, I can ignore people flirting because I genuinely don’t pick up on their signals. Saves a lot of stress!"
- "I like that it has widened my understanding of the variety of ways in which people can care for each other, and that all are of equal worth and validity."
- "Stop waiting for it to happen. It’s not going to happen, so just go and have fun, and pursue your own interests"
- "Whatever things you wish could be part of your future, that can be what you work towards. You don’t have to try to fit your life into the template you’ve been given, you can create your own."
- "Trust yourself, you really are ace"
- "I would [tell] her, or them, to be gentle with themselves. There is value in the knowing, when the knowing comes, but value in the learning, too."
- "I usually just say I’m on the ace spectrum. Whether I’m completely asexual, grey, demi or what, I haven’t completely determined even after a couple decades knowing I’m in there somewhere, but I also don’t care too much to pin it down. Being “ace” is enough… I decided not to dig too deep into trying to pin down a specific term."
- “Queer” is a very useful word here: for someone whose experience of attraction, desire and sexuality might be ambiguous, undecided, in progress or wilfully un-articulated, “queer” offers a huge amount of space to play around in. It offers a way of articulating our experience without – as IJ described it – “dissecting it”.
- "This unconditionality and freedom from rigid expectations means that friendship can be anything we want it to be, and the importance of this flexibility cannot be overstated."
- "Because the thing about friendships is that they’re sites of mutual care: a network of friendships is like a garden, full of variety and therefore more healthy, robust and sustainable than a single crop. And like a vegetable garden, if you put work and energy into it, it will nourish you in return."
- "I actually found LG’s words refreshing: while they might occasionally feel romantically attracted to someone, romance was not an all-consuming driving force in their life. JK describes a similar experience, almost a type of freedom, from the many conventional expectations around dating and relationships: “[I] found that without any romantic goals for my life that maybe I didn’t need to structure my life around finding a romantic partner.”
- "There are infinite ways to be close to and express love for another person, and it’s gradually become clear to me that most of these probably don’t fit with the ways we’re taught to talk about relationships. Intimacy can be a three-hour conversation in a quiet corner of a pub, or giving your partner a massage after a long day at work, or simply being close to each other in companionable silence, in a way you aren’t with anyone else."
- "While I can enjoy romantic content in the media, I’m very much romance-confused so I have a complicated relationship with romance and romantic relationships. It’s possible that I have experienced romantic attraction before, but I wonder if it was limerence and if other people would’ve perceived them differently. It’s confusing for me to reflect too much on the romantic attraction so I try to focus on the topic of romantic relationships. I don’t know which behaviours and activities are romance-coded beyond referring to romance-coded things in the media."
- "Sex is a thing that you do not ever have to try if you don’t want to. Your sexuality is what you say it is regardless of who you have or have not had intercourse with."
- "Ultimately, deep, lasting love comes in many forms"
- "There’s nothing inherently bad about ending up on your own: we are all whole people all by ourselves. No matter what connections we find for ourselves – close friendships, a spouse, children or relatives – no other person completes us. We are each of us complete already."
- "I love being on my own, I love being the one person who determines my life and not being tied to anyone"
- "It’s freeing, in a way. To not have to think about relationships, to not have to look for someone to fall in love with. To not be dating. It’s just really nice. I can work on my personal projects without any worry. It’s quiet. I can buy some plants, maybe think about adopting a cat… I can help my friends, I can laugh at myself when sexual innuendo goes over my head, I can ignore people flirting because I genuinely don’t pick up on their signals. Saves a lot of stress!"
- "I like that it has widened my understanding of the variety of ways in which people can care for each other, and that all are of equal worth and validity."
- "Stop waiting for it to happen. It’s not going to happen, so just go and have fun, and pursue your own interests"
- "Whatever things you wish could be part of your future, that can be what you work towards. You don’t have to try to fit your life into the template you’ve been given, you can create your own."
- "Trust yourself, you really are ace"
- "I would [tell] her, or them, to be gentle with themselves. There is value in the knowing, when the knowing comes, but value in the learning, too."