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kylemunkittrick's review against another edition
4.0
Powerful, excellent, could have been 2x longer and probably still had more to say on the topic.
caseyulrich555's review against another edition
4.0
Enjoyed the book! Author makes their arguments and points through stories that allow the reader to connect and understand. It helps us feel for the people in the story while also reminding us of how real and easy it is for any of us to get into or struggle getting out of high conflict.
read2fast2furious's review against another edition
3.0
i learned that high conflict is very bad and not productive, however, i will continue to be polarized in my beliefs bc i am correct.
there were interesting anecdotes on the de-escalation of high conflict on local and global scales.
there were interesting anecdotes on the de-escalation of high conflict on local and global scales.
jansyn_liberty's review against another edition
3.0
Some great analysis of conflict! Audiobook was good.
Takeaways—
“Looping”
it's kind of impossible to feel threatened and curious at the same time. You know, if you think about it, It's very rare that you might feel both and there's good evolutionary reasons for that. Right. But what tends to happen in high conflict is that you feel perpetually threatened.
Ways to keep conflict healthy and to keep curiosity alive — practice a form of active listening that is called looping for understanding.
It's a way of listening to the other person and then distilling what they've said into the most elegant language you can. Playing it back to them and then checking to see if you've got it right. So you're actually proving that you're trying to get them even as you disagree. You're not just saying I hear you.
Overcoming High Conflict
5 ways to overcome High Conflict:
Investigate the understory - Find out what has made people so invested in the conflict.
Reduce the binary - Find out what you share in common. Remove us vs them.
Marginalize the fire starters - Stop listening to those who get a thrill out of the fight.
Buy time and make space - Notice your triggers and when you become aware of them, take a break.
Complicate the narrative - Recognize that most stories go deeper than a hero and villain.
Looping
Looping is a form of paraphrasing. You repeat back to the other person what you've heard them say. This can slow the conversation down and calms high emotions in doing so. It also demonstrates your engagement in the conversation.
Looping is useful when there’s a misunderstanding you need to clear up. Looping follows a simple five-stage formula.
When the other person has said something that you’re confused or unsure about, summarize what that person has said, and ask whether you’ve got it right.
The other person will either confirm that you’ve got it right, or will clarify what you’ve got wrong.
You should then summarize what the other person has said including the new information, and ask that person to confirm you understand.
The other person will either confirm that you understand or not.
If you do understand, consider asking for more information. If you don’t understand, go back to stage one.
Here are some tips for looping:
Loop whenever there’s a misunderstanding that needs to be cleared up.
Interrupt the other person when necessary to explore something that’s causing confusion.
Be alert to body language, as that can play a role in your understanding and be looped back to the other person – “you just clenched your fists, are you feeling mad?”
Remain calm even if the other person is frustrated or mad.
Questions in Conflict Situations
When you find yourself in high conflict situations, ask these three questions:
Does it need to be said?
Does it need to be said by me?
Does it need to be said by me right now?
It's surprising how often the answer is no.
Takeaways—
“Looping”
it's kind of impossible to feel threatened and curious at the same time. You know, if you think about it, It's very rare that you might feel both and there's good evolutionary reasons for that. Right. But what tends to happen in high conflict is that you feel perpetually threatened.
Ways to keep conflict healthy and to keep curiosity alive — practice a form of active listening that is called looping for understanding.
It's a way of listening to the other person and then distilling what they've said into the most elegant language you can. Playing it back to them and then checking to see if you've got it right. So you're actually proving that you're trying to get them even as you disagree. You're not just saying I hear you.
Overcoming High Conflict
5 ways to overcome High Conflict:
Investigate the understory - Find out what has made people so invested in the conflict.
Reduce the binary - Find out what you share in common. Remove us vs them.
Marginalize the fire starters - Stop listening to those who get a thrill out of the fight.
Buy time and make space - Notice your triggers and when you become aware of them, take a break.
Complicate the narrative - Recognize that most stories go deeper than a hero and villain.
Looping
Looping is a form of paraphrasing. You repeat back to the other person what you've heard them say. This can slow the conversation down and calms high emotions in doing so. It also demonstrates your engagement in the conversation.
Looping is useful when there’s a misunderstanding you need to clear up. Looping follows a simple five-stage formula.
When the other person has said something that you’re confused or unsure about, summarize what that person has said, and ask whether you’ve got it right.
The other person will either confirm that you’ve got it right, or will clarify what you’ve got wrong.
You should then summarize what the other person has said including the new information, and ask that person to confirm you understand.
The other person will either confirm that you understand or not.
If you do understand, consider asking for more information. If you don’t understand, go back to stage one.
Here are some tips for looping:
Loop whenever there’s a misunderstanding that needs to be cleared up.
Interrupt the other person when necessary to explore something that’s causing confusion.
Be alert to body language, as that can play a role in your understanding and be looped back to the other person – “you just clenched your fists, are you feeling mad?”
Remain calm even if the other person is frustrated or mad.
Questions in Conflict Situations
When you find yourself in high conflict situations, ask these three questions:
Does it need to be said?
Does it need to be said by me?
Does it need to be said by me right now?
It's surprising how often the answer is no.
chewbeccadolly's review against another edition
challenging
hopeful
informative
inspiring
reflective
medium-paced
5.0
richard_f's review against another edition
5.0
Important background and context to understand high conflict; strategies to overcome the seductive pitfalls & opportunistic us/them entrepreneurs and convert to healthy, productive conflict.
latviadugan's review against another edition
4.0
Amanda Ripley’s insightful book lifts the hood on conflict and help us understand better the conflicts going on around us and among us. The book isn’t about disagreement, which can produce positive results, but about high conflict, where disagreement deteriorates into a good vs. evil, us vs. them polarization. When conflict reaches this level, the different sides don’t simply represent opinions, but identities. Stuck in such a tar pit, people don’t see themselves as hateful, but as right.
Making it all the more difficult is that there are many people, politicians, and institutions that benefit from the conflict. The conflict becomes systemic to relationships, and is fueled by “fire starters” or “conflict entrepreneurs” who use conflict for self-interest. In such systems, people are pitted against one another.
The path out of high conflict is a difficult one for a nation, institution, or family. Ripley offers some ideas to get out.
Behind every high conflict is an understory that operates at a subconscious level. This understory needs to be uncovered by listening. Ripley recommends “looping,” which involves asking questions, but also restating the answer one hears. This not only helps facilitate understanding, but it communicates that the other is being heard. Conflict is often reduced simply when people feel that they’ve been heard.
Second, avoid the fire starters. Turn them off of the television, unfollow them on social media, avoid them in the lunch room cafeteria.
Third, the binary choices that fuel the conflict need to be reduced. Ripley calls this “complicating the narrative.” In other words, the binary choices we’re given are too simplistic. The reality is always more complicated. As people see the complexity of the conflict (again, through looping), they can start to see that there are more than merely two options.
Fourth, space needs to be created where people can listen. Peace treaties don’t make peace, they just create space where peace can grow.
Fifth, contact theory brings people of different identities together not only to talk, but to work on a project together; to produce something together. This develops relationships across divides that facilitates understanding.
Sixth, those who find their identity in the conflict need the opportunity to develop a new identity. The gang banger becomes a community organizer. The heresy hunter becomes an after-school tutor.
This book isn’t about how to come to agreement or live in unity. It’s about how to stay out of the tar pits of high conflict; conflict where judgment is impaired, bad decisions are made. Ripley backs up her analysis with data and illustrates it with multiple case studies. She doesn’t give us 3 easy steps for avoiding conflict, but does chart a course for doing the hard work of understanding.
High conflict is bad. Always. For those who desire to cultivate the peace where differing ideas can generate productive relationships and societies, Ripley’s book is a good start.
Making it all the more difficult is that there are many people, politicians, and institutions that benefit from the conflict. The conflict becomes systemic to relationships, and is fueled by “fire starters” or “conflict entrepreneurs” who use conflict for self-interest. In such systems, people are pitted against one another.
The path out of high conflict is a difficult one for a nation, institution, or family. Ripley offers some ideas to get out.
Behind every high conflict is an understory that operates at a subconscious level. This understory needs to be uncovered by listening. Ripley recommends “looping,” which involves asking questions, but also restating the answer one hears. This not only helps facilitate understanding, but it communicates that the other is being heard. Conflict is often reduced simply when people feel that they’ve been heard.
Second, avoid the fire starters. Turn them off of the television, unfollow them on social media, avoid them in the lunch room cafeteria.
Third, the binary choices that fuel the conflict need to be reduced. Ripley calls this “complicating the narrative.” In other words, the binary choices we’re given are too simplistic. The reality is always more complicated. As people see the complexity of the conflict (again, through looping), they can start to see that there are more than merely two options.
Fourth, space needs to be created where people can listen. Peace treaties don’t make peace, they just create space where peace can grow.
Fifth, contact theory brings people of different identities together not only to talk, but to work on a project together; to produce something together. This develops relationships across divides that facilitates understanding.
Sixth, those who find their identity in the conflict need the opportunity to develop a new identity. The gang banger becomes a community organizer. The heresy hunter becomes an after-school tutor.
This book isn’t about how to come to agreement or live in unity. It’s about how to stay out of the tar pits of high conflict; conflict where judgment is impaired, bad decisions are made. Ripley backs up her analysis with data and illustrates it with multiple case studies. She doesn’t give us 3 easy steps for avoiding conflict, but does chart a course for doing the hard work of understanding.
High conflict is bad. Always. For those who desire to cultivate the peace where differing ideas can generate productive relationships and societies, Ripley’s book is a good start.
bootman's review against another edition
5.0
I’m not 100% sure what I was expecting from this book, but I’m torn on how much I personally enjoyed it. With that being said, any criticism I have is merely my own subjective taste in books because Amanda Ripley is an incredible writer and storyteller. After having hundreds of thousands of strangers on the internet come after me in 2019, I’ve been really interested in learning about good vs bad conflict and some of the psychology behind it, so that’s mainly why I grabbed this book. Amanda Ripley starts the book by telling the story of the lawyer who basically came up with the concept of divorce mediation through this new way of resolving conflict. It was really interesting learning about that story, why mediation works for conflict resolution, and Ripley does an awesome job explaining how we readers can use some of the strategies for practical application in our daily lives.
While I was absolutely obsessed with the first half of the book, part 2 was where I became less interested. Again, it’s just my personal preference, but the second half was stories that helped solidify what the author discusses in the first half of the book. These were great stories of conflict resolution, perseverance, and hope. They were great, uplifting stories that we can all learn from, but I just personally enjoy more science/research-based books rather than stories.
So, would I recommend this book? 1000% yes. I’m a weirdo who isn’t a huge fan of stories, which is why I stick to non-fiction, but I know that many people really enjoy that type of book. This book has a blend of scientific research as well as stories, so I think the majority of people would benefit a ton from this book and learning about good vs bad conflict.
While I was absolutely obsessed with the first half of the book, part 2 was where I became less interested. Again, it’s just my personal preference, but the second half was stories that helped solidify what the author discusses in the first half of the book. These were great stories of conflict resolution, perseverance, and hope. They were great, uplifting stories that we can all learn from, but I just personally enjoy more science/research-based books rather than stories.
So, would I recommend this book? 1000% yes. I’m a weirdo who isn’t a huge fan of stories, which is why I stick to non-fiction, but I know that many people really enjoy that type of book. This book has a blend of scientific research as well as stories, so I think the majority of people would benefit a ton from this book and learning about good vs bad conflict.
jamieterv's review against another edition
informative
inspiring
fast-paced
3.75
Good info. Well written and interesting. Not a ton of ground breaking information.