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3.37 AVERAGE
3.37 AVERAGE
This book is AWFUL. Oh LMM, I'm so glad you went on to write better things! Now. Before I start ranting (and oh, I will) I will say I know there's something to be said for books being products of their times, different attitudes, etc. (There are certainly elements of prejudice and outdated mindsets in other LMM books, too.) But I can honestly say I didn't find anything redeeming in this book.
Oh sure, it begins with some of Montgomery's beautiful description of seasonal beauty: "A young April wind, as fresh and sweet as if it had been blowing over the fields of memory...It was a wind that sang of many things, but what it sang to each listener was only what that listener was only what was in that listener's heart..." But even that beauty is quickly marred by our introduction to our main bros, Eric and David, who after Eric's graduation are having a good chat about the future, and more importantly: the ladiiiiies. David is all damn, son, the co-eds when I graduated...woof! There were some actual hotties graduating today! They go on to discuss specific women and their level of hotness and suitability and Dr David skirts pretty close to discussing eugenics. ("If people worried a little more about their unborn children--at least, to the extent of providing a proper heritage, physically, mentally, and morally..") HOOOOKAY YES NICE APRIL WEATHER WE'RE HAVING.
Moving on. Eric gets a letter requesting for him to take over a teaching position. As he considers the letter his dad comes in and they, too, discuss graduation and the important parts, to Eric's dad: "those pretty little girls trotting up to get their diplomas." And if you're noticing a pattern that every man in this story just has to start talking about the physical appearance of women in their life, get used to it, it continues!
Eric does go off to teach in this little place called Lindsay and settles in to muse about his students and surrounds, noting a boy he sees in a wagon with an older man...and the boy doesn't look like he's from AROUND these parts...
Eric finds this cool old orchard and then hears some amazing violin music. The source of this music? A totally gorgeous girl, of course!! Eric is personally offended that creeping on this girl playing music alone has caused her to appear frightened. Because he's a nice guy who loves the ladies. ("...him who had always held womanhood in such reverence!") He tries to figure out who such a hottie could be, because Mr Williamson, the man he boards with, had already described all the girls worth looking at and tbh there were only four. And their names are like Melissa and Jennie and stuff and there's no way this stunning violinist has such a basic name.
Eventually he finds out from his landlady that he must have seen the elusive Kilmeny Gordon (see? Not a Jennie.) who has a very Tragic Backstory involving accidental bigamist parents and oh also can't speak, never has, so she's been hidden away her whole life.
Tragic Backstory of course only makes Kilmeny more appealing so Eric seeks her out again. Luckily this time she is armed with a "little slate" and what can only be a supernatural speed of writing on said slate because girlfriend is NOT succinct. She scribbles away about how she was afraid because she'd been told all strange men were wicked but she's starting to doubt that. Eric loves this "innocence and simplicity" and is all #notallmen Kilmeny! And asks her to play music for him. She can't because she didn't bring her violin but scribbles away (her hand has got to hurt) that she "will bring it tomorrow evening and play for you if you would like to hear me. I should like to please you." Eric is overjoyed that this, "beautiful, ignorant child" is so open with her feelings. (Oh and get used to him referring to her as a child, childlike about a million times while simultaneously wanting to marry her. Gross, Eric.)
So goes their orchard friendship/romance only marred by a brooding, Italian foster brother and then a warning from Eric's sensible landlady that he should maybe stop carrying on this way in secret from Kilmeny's aunt and uncle who have raised her, especially since Kilmeny is basically dumb in more ways than one since she's never been out in the world or amongst other men. (Oh btw she's also never seen her reflection and thinks she's hideous because her psycho mother told her so.) This gives Eric pause for a night of pacing and then he's like, nope, I'm going to marry that girl! Mrs Williamson, sensible landlady, "But what will your people say?" and Eric, knowing he's a chip off the old block, assures her that his only people is his father and he will approve of her on looks alone. Cool! Oh and during this conversation, despite Mrs Williamson being the most sensible and sympathetic figure towards that darn Italian boy, Neil, (who has been raised with Kilmeny but obviously is totally in love) she, too, mentions to Eric to be wary of him because, "them foreigners can't be trusted--and he's just as much a foreigner as his parents before him--though he HAS been brought up on oatmeal and the shorter catechism, as the old saying has it."
Well, Eric does realise that since now he plans to marry this girl he just met he should probably meet the parentals and informs Kilmeny of this. She is all, no way!, except since she's writing this on a little slate she of course takes half a dozen sentences to say that initially and then there's more dramatic back and forth. (Can you just imagine this? Scritch, scratch, scritch, scratch.) This culminates in what Eric deems an "involuntary kiss" and he muses to himself that, "...it had opened up the gates of womanhood to Kilmeny." Ok, ew. Meanwhile the BURNING EYES OF HATEFUL NEIL SEE ALL and this leads to a wild argument between the two men. Neil once again proves that all the catechising and oatmealing did nothing to remove "the untamed fury of the Italian peasant" within him.
Eric manfully meets the Gordon aunt/uncle who are all like, no you don't want to marry her she's dumb, and what will your father think? And Eric smiles and once again makes it known that his dad only cares about looks, basically. So eventually he wins them over because Eric is just such a Nice Guy. Let the courting commence!
Once again their experience is only marred by that darn Italian brooding, always brooding, in the background but it's cool because Eric has decided to get a mirror! Yes! He will reveal Kilmeny's beauty to her! He tells her to put on somethin' pretty and hold these flowers like sooo and tadaaaa!! Kilmeny is amazed and writes a wordy bit about being relieved not to be ugly where she sounds the closest to Anne. That night Kilmeny goes to catch a glimpse of herself again in the mirror "by the light of a dim candle" and now I'm just being nitpicky but despite being in near darkness when Aunt Janet appears Kilmeny is suddenly also holding her slate and her aunt seems to be able to read her rapid writing commentary on beauty easily. By the light of this dim candle. Anyway, whew, at least Kilmeny knows she's hot now!
Since Dr David from chapter one is well-versed in issues of the throat Eric gets him to come take a look at the one flaw in his beautiful, dumb bride-to-be because oh yeah she doesn't want to marry him unless she can talk. David is all, we talked about this, dude, flawless chicks only! But then he sees Kilmeny and OYG* she IS hot, nevermind, you gotta have her! (*"Oh, ye gods!") Unfortunately in David's very science opinion there's nothing to be done for Kilmeny's voice and agrees with what Aunt Janet had stated, Kilmeny "cannot speak because her mother wouldn't. That is all there is to it." and goes on to say that, look Eric, maybe she'll get better if she wants to badly enough. I'm not a doctor so I'll just have to take that as straight up medical fact...:P Of course Eric's fragile ego is bruised by this because surely nothing could make Kilmeny speak more than wanting to marry HIM!! All is misery. Though David assures Eric once again that now that he's seen Kilmeny he totally approves of them getting married. Speech or no speech. Because, beauty.
I'm just going to wrap this up quickly because honestly the book wraps up quickly: doom, gloom, sorrow, Kilmeny won't marry him because she can't speak. But then! Eric is sulking in the orchard when the murderous Neil creeps up on him. Neil's career as an axe murderer is cut short when Kilmeny chanced upon the scene and, "ERIC, ERIC, LOOK BEHIND YOU" and, you got it, she was NOT writing that with a nub of chalk! OYG she speaks!!!! After this Neil conveniently storms off for some harvesting gig and Kilmeny continues to speak near perfectly. It's a whole new world for Kilmeny! She's going places! Like church! And there's even this wild idea about going to boarding school to remedy her years of educational neglect, although Eric, "vetoed this promptly. The idea of Kilmeny in a boarding school was something that could not be thought about without laughter." Um, wow, ouch, way to be supportive of your girl wanting to better herself, you jerk! The only thing left to wrap up is the not-really-burning question of whether Eric's old man really will approve of Kilmeny. Of course he does, upon sight, because as this book drives home again and again and again it's that outward beauty will tell you all you need to know about someone's worthiness.
The End.
Yes, I did just hate-read an LMM book. I'm sorry Lucy Maud but at least I know you went on to do so much better!!!
For a better book with a musical, mute, slate wielding protagonist: Trumpet of the Swan by EB White. (the Swan wore it better.)
Oh sure, it begins with some of Montgomery's beautiful description of seasonal beauty: "A young April wind, as fresh and sweet as if it had been blowing over the fields of memory...It was a wind that sang of many things, but what it sang to each listener was only what that listener was only what was in that listener's heart..." But even that beauty is quickly marred by our introduction to our main bros, Eric and David, who after Eric's graduation are having a good chat about the future, and more importantly: the ladiiiiies. David is all damn, son, the co-eds when I graduated...woof! There were some actual hotties graduating today! They go on to discuss specific women and their level of hotness and suitability and Dr David skirts pretty close to discussing eugenics. ("If people worried a little more about their unborn children--at least, to the extent of providing a proper heritage, physically, mentally, and morally..") HOOOOKAY YES NICE APRIL WEATHER WE'RE HAVING.
Moving on. Eric gets a letter requesting for him to take over a teaching position. As he considers the letter his dad comes in and they, too, discuss graduation and the important parts, to Eric's dad: "those pretty little girls trotting up to get their diplomas." And if you're noticing a pattern that every man in this story just has to start talking about the physical appearance of women in their life, get used to it, it continues!
Eric does go off to teach in this little place called Lindsay and settles in to muse about his students and surrounds, noting a boy he sees in a wagon with an older man...and the boy doesn't look like he's from AROUND these parts...
Eric finds this cool old orchard and then hears some amazing violin music. The source of this music? A totally gorgeous girl, of course!! Eric is personally offended that creeping on this girl playing music alone has caused her to appear frightened. Because he's a nice guy who loves the ladies. ("...him who had always held womanhood in such reverence!") He tries to figure out who such a hottie could be, because Mr Williamson, the man he boards with, had already described all the girls worth looking at and tbh there were only four. And their names are like Melissa and Jennie and stuff and there's no way this stunning violinist has such a basic name.
Eventually he finds out from his landlady that he must have seen the elusive Kilmeny Gordon (see? Not a Jennie.) who has a very Tragic Backstory involving accidental bigamist parents and oh also can't speak, never has, so she's been hidden away her whole life.
Tragic Backstory of course only makes Kilmeny more appealing so Eric seeks her out again. Luckily this time she is armed with a "little slate" and what can only be a supernatural speed of writing on said slate because girlfriend is NOT succinct. She scribbles away about how she was afraid because she'd been told all strange men were wicked but she's starting to doubt that. Eric loves this "innocence and simplicity" and is all #notallmen Kilmeny! And asks her to play music for him. She can't because she didn't bring her violin but scribbles away (her hand has got to hurt) that she "will bring it tomorrow evening and play for you if you would like to hear me. I should like to please you." Eric is overjoyed that this, "beautiful, ignorant child" is so open with her feelings. (Oh and get used to him referring to her as a child, childlike about a million times while simultaneously wanting to marry her. Gross, Eric.)
So goes their orchard friendship/romance only marred by a brooding, Italian foster brother and then a warning from Eric's sensible landlady that he should maybe stop carrying on this way in secret from Kilmeny's aunt and uncle who have raised her, especially since Kilmeny is basically dumb in more ways than one since she's never been out in the world or amongst other men. (Oh btw she's also never seen her reflection and thinks she's hideous because her psycho mother told her so.) This gives Eric pause for a night of pacing and then he's like, nope, I'm going to marry that girl! Mrs Williamson, sensible landlady, "But what will your people say?" and Eric, knowing he's a chip off the old block, assures her that his only people is his father and he will approve of her on looks alone. Cool! Oh and during this conversation, despite Mrs Williamson being the most sensible and sympathetic figure towards that darn Italian boy, Neil, (who has been raised with Kilmeny but obviously is totally in love) she, too, mentions to Eric to be wary of him because, "them foreigners can't be trusted--and he's just as much a foreigner as his parents before him--though he HAS been brought up on oatmeal and the shorter catechism, as the old saying has it."
Well, Eric does realise that since now he plans to marry this girl he just met he should probably meet the parentals and informs Kilmeny of this. She is all, no way!, except since she's writing this on a little slate she of course takes half a dozen sentences to say that initially and then there's more dramatic back and forth. (Can you just imagine this? Scritch, scratch, scritch, scratch.) This culminates in what Eric deems an "involuntary kiss" and he muses to himself that, "...it had opened up the gates of womanhood to Kilmeny." Ok, ew. Meanwhile the BURNING EYES OF HATEFUL NEIL SEE ALL and this leads to a wild argument between the two men. Neil once again proves that all the catechising and oatmealing did nothing to remove "the untamed fury of the Italian peasant" within him.
Eric manfully meets the Gordon aunt/uncle who are all like, no you don't want to marry her she's dumb, and what will your father think? And Eric smiles and once again makes it known that his dad only cares about looks, basically. So eventually he wins them over because Eric is just such a Nice Guy. Let the courting commence!
Once again their experience is only marred by that darn Italian brooding, always brooding, in the background but it's cool because Eric has decided to get a mirror! Yes! He will reveal Kilmeny's beauty to her! He tells her to put on somethin' pretty and hold these flowers like sooo and tadaaaa!! Kilmeny is amazed and writes a wordy bit about being relieved not to be ugly where she sounds the closest to Anne. That night Kilmeny goes to catch a glimpse of herself again in the mirror "by the light of a dim candle" and now I'm just being nitpicky but despite being in near darkness when Aunt Janet appears Kilmeny is suddenly also holding her slate and her aunt seems to be able to read her rapid writing commentary on beauty easily. By the light of this dim candle. Anyway, whew, at least Kilmeny knows she's hot now!
Since Dr David from chapter one is well-versed in issues of the throat Eric gets him to come take a look at the one flaw in his beautiful, dumb bride-to-be because oh yeah she doesn't want to marry him unless she can talk. David is all, we talked about this, dude, flawless chicks only! But then he sees Kilmeny and OYG* she IS hot, nevermind, you gotta have her! (*"Oh, ye gods!") Unfortunately in David's very science opinion there's nothing to be done for Kilmeny's voice and agrees with what Aunt Janet had stated, Kilmeny "cannot speak because her mother wouldn't. That is all there is to it." and goes on to say that, look Eric, maybe she'll get better if she wants to badly enough. I'm not a doctor so I'll just have to take that as straight up medical fact...:P Of course Eric's fragile ego is bruised by this because surely nothing could make Kilmeny speak more than wanting to marry HIM!! All is misery. Though David assures Eric once again that now that he's seen Kilmeny he totally approves of them getting married. Speech or no speech. Because, beauty.
I'm just going to wrap this up quickly because honestly the book wraps up quickly: doom, gloom, sorrow, Kilmeny won't marry him because she can't speak. But then! Eric is sulking in the orchard when the murderous Neil creeps up on him. Neil's career as an axe murderer is cut short when Kilmeny chanced upon the scene and, "ERIC, ERIC, LOOK BEHIND YOU" and, you got it, she was NOT writing that with a nub of chalk! OYG she speaks!!!! After this Neil conveniently storms off for some harvesting gig and Kilmeny continues to speak near perfectly. It's a whole new world for Kilmeny! She's going places! Like church! And there's even this wild idea about going to boarding school to remedy her years of educational neglect, although Eric, "vetoed this promptly. The idea of Kilmeny in a boarding school was something that could not be thought about without laughter." Um, wow, ouch, way to be supportive of your girl wanting to better herself, you jerk! The only thing left to wrap up is the not-really-burning question of whether Eric's old man really will approve of Kilmeny. Of course he does, upon sight, because as this book drives home again and again and again it's that outward beauty will tell you all you need to know about someone's worthiness.
The End.
Yes, I did just hate-read an LMM book. I'm sorry Lucy Maud but at least I know you went on to do so much better!!!
For a better book with a musical, mute, slate wielding protagonist: Trumpet of the Swan by EB White. (the Swan wore it better.)