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4.16 AVERAGE
4.16 AVERAGE
A fun + easy pop-theory read. Funny and interesting but not really groundbreaking in any capacity. Most of what is written here is the same conversation I’ve had with every queer person in my life, and while it’s cool that it’s now in a book, I don’t think this really expanded my understanding of anything.
I think this book would be very interesting and enlightening for straight women in particular. Especially with the rise of nihilistic heterosexuality (re: straight women saying that they are “unfortunately straight” or that they “hate dating men”— both of which are valid statements IMO), I think this book does a good job of outlining a future where heterosexuality in its base form (men and women desiring each other) can be divorced from systems of oppression.
I think this book could at the very least give straight women the language to better articulate their frustrations with heterosexuality as an institution.
There was a certain “Cisgender White Lesbian” quality to the book, but the author is pretty forthcoming about her positionality and how it affects her analysis. Overall I am giving 3 stars because I enjoyed it but it didn’t do anything new or exciting for me.
I think this book would be very interesting and enlightening for straight women in particular. Especially with the rise of nihilistic heterosexuality (re: straight women saying that they are “unfortunately straight” or that they “hate dating men”— both of which are valid statements IMO), I think this book does a good job of outlining a future where heterosexuality in its base form (men and women desiring each other) can be divorced from systems of oppression.
I think this book could at the very least give straight women the language to better articulate their frustrations with heterosexuality as an institution.
There was a certain “Cisgender White Lesbian” quality to the book, but the author is pretty forthcoming about her positionality and how it affects her analysis. Overall I am giving 3 stars because I enjoyed it but it didn’t do anything new or exciting for me.
Interesting book, if not for the way it changes your perspective. We're so used to looking at queer lives and experiences as less than compared to cishet lives and experiences, but this book takes it upon itself to look at it from another perspective and to highlight just oppressing heterosexuality can be, and more often than not is, for cishet people.
My main concern with this book is that, for some reason, it focuses so much on toxic cishet masculinity, to the point where there is no space left for toxic cishet femininity—something that nowadays is coming off strong, what with all the TERF/SWERFies who want to dictate what it means to be a woman. And sure, we can probably link the TERF/SWERF ideology back to the same systems that allow straightness, white supremacy and capitalism to prosper, but I still would've liked to see this concept analysed more in depth. Instead, what I got was a general pity towards the poor straight women who are forced into these relationships with men, and although the book tries to tell us to imagine different possibilities for both straightness and straight people, the only time where toxic femininity is even vaguely addressed is soon overshadowed by just How Bad toxic masculinity is. Straight people won't be able to imagine a different future until they're gonna admit that straightness fosters toxicity in both men and women, and that women too fight with teeth and nails to maintain the status quo.
Then again, I feel like this book focuses so much on straightness and not enough on cis-ness, which makes the book a bit lacking, in my opinion. I do realise, though, that this book probably took lots of time to be written, edited and published, so there's a high chance that many of the things I'm complaining about are newer or at least have made themselves more obvious only the last couple of years. I wonder if we'll ever read more of it.
My main concern with this book is that, for some reason, it focuses so much on toxic cishet masculinity, to the point where there is no space left for toxic cishet femininity—something that nowadays is coming off strong, what with all the TERF/SWERFies who want to dictate what it means to be a woman. And sure, we can probably link the TERF/SWERF ideology back to the same systems that allow straightness, white supremacy and capitalism to prosper, but I still would've liked to see this concept analysed more in depth. Instead, what I got was a general pity towards the poor straight women who are forced into these relationships with men, and although the book tries to tell us to imagine different possibilities for both straightness and straight people, the only time where toxic femininity is even vaguely addressed is soon overshadowed by just How Bad toxic masculinity is. Straight people won't be able to imagine a different future until they're gonna admit that straightness fosters toxicity in both men and women, and that women too fight with teeth and nails to maintain the status quo.
Then again, I feel like this book focuses so much on straightness and not enough on cis-ness, which makes the book a bit lacking, in my opinion. I do realise, though, that this book probably took lots of time to be written, edited and published, so there's a high chance that many of the things I'm complaining about are newer or at least have made themselves more obvious only the last couple of years. I wonder if we'll ever read more of it.
This book, to me, explains exactly how queer people, especially women, see straight women’s plight and experience straight culture. I think it’s a must-read for all straight women. I would give it 4.5 stars for cliches like “herstory” and lack of consideration of trans people at times, but I feel many of the other reviews don’t sound like they actually read the whole book and/or miss the point, so I’ll round up. Overall, I think it is well-reasoned and clearly verbalizes what many queer people think.
A favorite quote of mine that I feel sums it up: “To be an authentically straight man, or a deep heterosexual—and not a pseudoheterosexual who uses women to impress men—one must be a feminist.” (Ward 172)
A favorite quote of mine that I feel sums it up: “To be an authentically straight man, or a deep heterosexual—and not a pseudoheterosexual who uses women to impress men—one must be a feminist.” (Ward 172)
informative
inspiring
challenging
informative
reflective
medium-paced
reflective
medium-paced
This book is incredible, and gets to the heart of the differences between homosexual and heterosexual cultures and ways of approaching life. Ward looks into why (the culture behind) heterosexual couples tends to encourage relationships where men don't like women, and women have to put up with it and try to impress them anyway. She dives into the historical context, what men and women are actually accomplishing in the culture of hetero relationships, and how it's particularly harmful for women, which is where most of the sacrifice falls. It's not saying heterosexual people and all heterosexual relationships are bad, but it does provide a much bigger picture of what is expected and why it isn't questioned despite the hurt and harm it causes to those involved.
The audience does appear to be queer folk, but I think straight people would get even more out of it (even if it probably invokes defensiveness) in terms of seeing how their lives have been part of this larger sociological context.
The entire book isn't making direct comparisons to homosexual relationships, but when it did so, it fully underscored why being queer feels so different from being straight. At one point, Ward talks about how there are obviously bad queer relationships and queer partners but "the thing about heterosexual misery that makes it irreducible to basic human foible is that straight relationships are rigged from the start."
I also loved this quote, which captured something so much bigger about why heterosexual people and culture finds queerness so threatening, painful and foreign.
"Respect for sacrifice, or sucking it up and surviving life’s miseries, is one of the hallmarks of white working class culture for instance, wherein striving for personal happiness carries less value than does adherence to familial norms and traditions. Maturity and respectability are measured by what one has given up in order to keep the family system going, an ethos that is challenged by the presence of a queer child, for instance, who insists on being who they are. Queerness, to the extent that it emphasize authenticity in one’s sexual relationships and fulfillment of personal desires, is an affront to the celebration of heteroromantic hardship."
I HIGHLY recommend the audiobook but will also be buying the paperback to mark up now that I'm finished.
The audience does appear to be queer folk, but I think straight people would get even more out of it (even if it probably invokes defensiveness) in terms of seeing how their lives have been part of this larger sociological context.
The entire book isn't making direct comparisons to homosexual relationships, but when it did so, it fully underscored why being queer feels so different from being straight. At one point, Ward talks about how there are obviously bad queer relationships and queer partners but "the thing about heterosexual misery that makes it irreducible to basic human foible is that straight relationships are rigged from the start."
I also loved this quote, which captured something so much bigger about why heterosexual people and culture finds queerness so threatening, painful and foreign.
"Respect for sacrifice, or sucking it up and surviving life’s miseries, is one of the hallmarks of white working class culture for instance, wherein striving for personal happiness carries less value than does adherence to familial norms and traditions. Maturity and respectability are measured by what one has given up in order to keep the family system going, an ethos that is challenged by the presence of a queer child, for instance, who insists on being who they are. Queerness, to the extent that it emphasize authenticity in one’s sexual relationships and fulfillment of personal desires, is an affront to the celebration of heteroromantic hardship."
I HIGHLY recommend the audiobook but will also be buying the paperback to mark up now that I'm finished.
incredibly thought provoking regardless of how much you agree with Ward’s thesis. recommend reading alongside Carmen Maria Machado’s In The Dream House. an excellent introduction to the topic but fails in many areas to dig deeper.
challenging
informative
reflective
medium-paced
THANK YOU Jane Ward for writing this book. Im serious. This book put SO MANY words on feelings I had and gave me such clarity, im still reeling from it. Also, weirdly enough, I had never realized it was a general queer experience to be like "girl why are you still into guys ?" and to engage in emotional labour for the benefit of yet another disgruntled straigth friend. I now know better and, hopefully, will be able to distance myself from that.
Honestly, this book feels like it should be mandatory reading. I immensely liked the suggestions on how to improve things at the end - I knew we couldnt convince all straigth ladies just to stop dating guys, but was at a loss regarding the alternative. This is better.
Honestly, this book feels like it should be mandatory reading. I immensely liked the suggestions on how to improve things at the end - I knew we couldnt convince all straigth ladies just to stop dating guys, but was at a loss regarding the alternative. This is better.