Reviews

This book felt like a breath of fresh air in how honest, genuine, and heartfelt the writing and the characters felt. The backgrounds and emotions and feelings that the characters brought forth to form the story - the cultural context and insight into how it is being African in England, what it feels and looks like to be African in a predominantly white (and racist) university, the experience of being twenty-something and healing from past traumas, the fear of being hurt and learning to do it anyway, the strength to be vulnerable and let people in to care for you, and the slow yet steady beat of falling in love. I also just adored the writing style and the descriptions of love and thoughts - the author captured the world so beautifully and shared this story between Kikiola and Malakai - I was hooked.

I appreciate this book for the way it opened up my world just a bit more and for the rawness of university life in England, the dynamics of navigating social circles and sussing out who you can trust, the strange experience of meeting people you just instantly click with who operate on the same frequency as you, the importance of female friendships and building each other up, the significance of seeing someone who looks like you in positions of power and authority to know you can take up that space too, learning when to play it safe and when to take risks, being brave enough to confront misconceptions and break down preconceived notions we have of those around us and how we are perceived by them, how manipulative people can be and the harm it has on multiple people, the importance of owning up to your mistakes and taking accountability, and how beautiful a relationship can be when it's founded on a solid friendship, open communication, and a healthy dose of sarcasm.

Also just screaming at the gentle moments of love being expressed throughout the book,

like Malakai reading Kiki's favorite series to talk to her about it, how he went through the different playlists she made and would slip them into conversation, how Kiki assured him that he was a film maker and was a creator of beauty,

how their talent as creatives complemented one another so poetically.

Content Warnings

Graphic: Bullying and Misogyny

Moderate: Gaslighting and Classism

Minor: Toxic friendship

Quotes I highlighted:

"Do you want me, or do you just want me to want you?"

"...not used to seeing another superhuman about, so had to double-check. It makes me feel less lonely, so thank you."

"Oh? Kiki Banjo intrigued by someone? Well, put me in a gray double jersey sweater/jogger combo outfit because the world is clearly ending."

"I think we found the reason our girls are moving mad."

"This analogy went left, but you catch my drift."

"It's wonderful how I just found a flat white on my desk, randomly. Can''t let it go to waste."

"...but the price we paid for being such deviant rebels, in pursuit of higher education, was being even more minorities, in a space where we were already pretty marginalized."

"Kiki, it's not arrogant to know what you're good at. It's arrogant to think you don't need to grow."

"I know you'll find a creative way to do it. I mean, every seminar you find a way to call Percy the same thing using different words."

"Quite shortsighted of them to value my happiness."

"You're my friend by force now. I really don't have the energy to go and make any more, so shall we just see how this goes?"

"Come, queen, let me treat you to a beverage before my set. I tell you my five-year plan, you tell me yours and I'll see where I can fit in."

"...the kind of beautiful that had always been told it was beautiful..."

"Also are you nose-blind to bad energy as well? Is that why you can't smell the stink of your own cologne?"

"'Thank you for seeing me, man. Really.' I pressed a palm against my chest. 'I contain multitudes.'"

"What you need me to do?"

"Ignore them." "Don't tell me what to do."

"This was throwing me off. I've been around hot guys, I dealt with hot guys, but this was more than facial symmetry, and a smile so bright I felt like I could see my future in it"

"You been watching me move, Micah?" "I feel like we've been watching each other. And it's Michael, actually."

"The don't want to put in the effort that it would take to secure you, because they know you see through their shit, so they make out like it's impossible, that you're stush. They'd rather act like there's something defective with you than be the guy that's worthy of you, because that would mean they have to face their own shit - and if there's anything mandem hate it's facing their own shit..."

"I meant, I know what to look for when I'm looking at you."

"Not me, I see you. The real you. Angel face, demon heart." "Thanks for understanding me."

"Malakai's smile broke through, lighting up his face. I was used to my jagged edges scraping up against people, but Malakai seemed to click into mine, slot right into rhythm."

"He gestured to my face, my form, the air around me in awed in bafflement. 'That's what I mean by you being an assassin. Have you seen your fucking smile? You can make a man do anything with that shit. You're a straight-up villain.'"

"Breathe, Minah. Countdown from ten-" "Regular ten or Beyoncé ten?" "Beyoncé ten."

"Malakai frowned. 'Okay, we get it. Why so many sos.'"

"I just thought he was the best bet! I assumed he would be down because I thought he was a ho."

"Alright, I know emotions are high but, please. Don't put evil like that into the universe. Our tongues are powerful. We're Nigerian. We know this."

"Sometimes these men move so mad that they have us moving mad chaotically."

"Make them regret fucking with you - but note that if you decide to go this route, you have to have direction. Purpose. It has to be dosed correctly."

"Kikiola Banjo. You are Brown Sugar herself. You do not run away from boys. Remember who the hell you are and boss up. Beyoncé didn't drop 'Bow Down' for this..."

"Malakai's face was straight. 'I was scouted by Scientologist missionaries while living in my small village in the nation of Africa. They knew of my prowess when I saved their camp from a lion with my bare hands. I have big dreams. I am so blessed to be the first one in the family to not herd warthogs.'"

"Yeah? Okay? I mean, yeah okay. Cool. Calm. Let's bounce, beautiful."

"Too much Black would make them feel too white."

"I guessed it was up to me to make it bearable. The labor of a Black woman in this society really is unending."

"You were right. About a lot of things. And, even if I didn't agree...I just think you have a really interesting perspective. A cool voice."

"Couldn't tell me shit on the playground on Monday." "Bet all the girls wanted to play house with you."

"...whatever was happening outside, or at home, that place was always safe, always warm. And it wasn't always safe outside. Wasn't always warm."

"'...capture the energy I felt in that shop.' A new side to Malakai had just been revealed to me - it was brighter, his eyes glittering with new fascinating refractions when he spoke about his work, his home. I liked looking at the dispersions of beams."

"I love it so much, man. It's like...magic to me. Being able to capture life that way. Bottle it and open it up at the same time. Share it."

"I don't go into them because I can't do them. But I want to understand what makes people want to enter them in the first place. What makes people realize that's what they want?"

"I don't get cold. The same way you don't sweat. Superhuman tings."

"It's about...stopping hearts being broken unnecessarily. Preventing the mess that comes with it. Handling ourselves. Guys get away with so much and we're supposed to accept it because we're supposed to want romance, above all else, and they know that and take advantage of it. Monsters are bred. I'm equipping the girls with tools of protection against the Fuckboi endemic-"

"What did you go through to become an expert in heartbreak?"

"And I've been listening to Brown Sugar and I thought, what if I cut snippets from your show? Layer it over the film so you have these two ideas of romance maybe overlapping?"

"You like...tilt your head to the side and then hit a man with a sugar smile. Like a knife dipped in honey."

"I definitely heard a toot there." "It was more like a beep."

"I don't want to give myself to someone who doesn't know what to do with me. I...don't want to lose myself."

"His smile was wide. 'I'm talking parties, events...you have to chill with the masses in order for us to be believable. You gotta come out of your tower, Rapunzel. And not just for FreakyFridayz. You ready for that?'"

"Well then. Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your braids, girl."

"You didn't even respect Zack enough for him to get on your nerves."

"You're not funny." "Too late. I already heard you laugh." "It was a cough."

"Do you have a lozenge in the glovebox?" "I do, but you're not getting it. I want to hear you cough again."

"Sounds like sunshine. Sounds like how I think love feels."

"His voice dipped into Yoruba tonality as he slid into our shared ancestral language. 'A scotch bonnet can make things less bland, adds flavor, makes stuff feel more exciting. Richer.'"

"What's your full name?" "Kikiola."

"He may be ugly but he has a great personality."

"Growth, Kiki. You can't die from being personal."

"When you're trying to find footing somewhere, you go to what's familiar."

"They're not moving mad for no reason. They're cool and strong and maybe they didn't see your boundaries as boundaries."

"It was a perfect explosion of sweet and savory, a sublime balance of honey and spice."

"You started talking in the abstract. Flipped the attention off you. Theorized what I said. That's what you do on your show."

"Xavier: About three or four-" "Zindzi: Hours ago." "Kiki: You guys met tonight?"

"Kiki: Where are you hoping this goes?" "Zindzi: Where it wants to go." "Xavier: Wherever she wants it to go."

"I would listen to all this soul and R&B about heartbreak and yearning, and let it pour it out. It helped. It took me places, gave me space to look inside myself."

"I don't think you're emotionally fucked. You're just selective with what you express. Protective."

"'Shit. Well, that's embarrassing. I'll stop.' Malakai eyes stayed focused on the road. 'Why?' He twitched his shoulder. 'Don't.'"

"Keeks: Come thru, Naija Angelou."

"'You should be flattered. It means I want you because I want you. Not because I think other people want you.' I tossed Malakai the apple and he caught it in one hand, bit into it, eyes glinting into mine."

"It's almost like it propels us into celebrity status. People forget about the individuals involved and look at the projection of romance instead."

"Malakai shook his head, smiling. 'Don't. I like seeing what you look like when you're into something. Your eyes light up.'"

"What was I rebelling against? Adolescent risk wasn't tasty when my whole life felt like it was tipping on the edge."

"This kind of bullshit is used for the manure that fertilizes the farm used to grow male delusion."

"So, we lead you to it, help you out without telling you - because it's not like we like being angry - yet still, you miss road."

"Well, I think it was easier for me to be angry than to admit that my feelings were hurt. So, I guess we're both bad at the emotional shit."

"'Look.' He leaned into the mic. 'All the girls I've spent time with are amazing and I didn't treat their attention properly.'"

"'But...you're reading it, Malakai?' 'I know. I was shocked that I'm literate too. Yeah, started reading the books so I could see why you liked them so much. I get it now.'"

"This was all he could give her, the purest things on earth, most overlooked but with the most value."

"Honey for their friendship, the sweetness of two spirits twined, the comfort of their knowledge of each other, happiness."

"So, we're just gonna ignore that fact? Calm. Cool. Okay."

"Nah, but for real, Scotch. The more I get to know you the more I realize how much of you there is. I wanna know it all."

"I know enough about you to know that you don't do what you don't want to do."

"Thank you for having me."

"None of what was happening belonged to me."

"I could keep people safe from my chaos and keep myself safe from chaos. You couldn't be caught out if you kept yourself out."

"Your face - what is that? I have never seen that before in my life. You're coy. Are you coy?"

"Nothing. Still making him work. I mean I'm kind of chill about it because I already know he's going to be my husband."

"I just know it. I can't explain it. I'm not even in love with him yet, but I feel like I'm going to be and it will be deep."

"When I look at him, I feel safe."

"The point is, he has me. But I don't want him to ever take that for granted so I gotta create the illusion of pursuit. Know what I mean?"

"It was like, woah, this boy thinks about me even when he's not thinking. And I feel so relaxed around him. Like more me. Like I'm the greatest me."

"'What Shanti means, is that sometimes on the show you come across like you're not really one of us. I mean, the femme community of Blackwell us. Know what I mean? It's like you're this weird floater who judges us from the outside. And we didn't do that to you, by the way. We constantly invite you to shit - all the girls do - and you turn us down. Even Aminah shows up to stuff sometimes. And don't get me wrong, your advice was great but sometimes it could seem a little-' 'Like you think you're better than us,' Shanti finished for her."

"Okay, what's going on here? Is this an ambush?! Because I can fight and still look fine. My setting spray was expensive-"

"You sound more relaxed, like you're not judging but you're living this shit with us. Experiencing it with us."

"It suddenly felt hard to remember why I worked to not integrate fully, to remain on the watchtower on the outskirts, guarding the girls but also guarding myself. Seeing everything but feeling nothing."

"...if they could say what they thought of me to my face without any real animosity..."

"Kai: Aite. A couple things."

"Will you come over tomorrow and watch me make it? I feel like your judgmental gaze will force me to be better (as well as you literally being a chef's daughter)."

"Kai: I just remembered you're working out with Aminah right now. Tell her hi from me and to accept my ProntoPic request. She's hurting my feelings. It's been like a week and a half since I sent it, man. Last week I literally saw her scroll past my request in front of me when we went to the movies with her and Kofi."

"Malakai's voice was low. It sounded younger and there was a vulnerability under the frustration, the hurt in trying to prove he wasn't in pain."

"Me! And I don't even know if I'm doing it right. How am I supposed to know if I'm doing it right?"

"You say I don't understand what it's like to lose a father. It doesn't feel that way."

"Alright, Nana. Let's get you some food."

"...jaw tight, tense with the memory of the emotional burden of carrying information that would rupture your family and also having your hero lose his status in a matter of seconds."

"This giant became so...tiny."

"You can't even be neat about it? My heart was not enough, you had to break our sons' too?"

"I think maybe I'm trying to figure out what relationships are? How they can work and if I'm cut out for a real one. Trying to build a playbook to avoid failure. Just in case."

"I couldn't make things right with Rianne, so the least I could do was stop guys doing what Nile did to the both of us - pulling friends apart."

"He looked like he wanted to say more but he left me space to speak. I held it close to me. It gave me courage to continue."

"You care so much. You feel so much. So if you're a robot, you're one of them robots that everyone is scared will overthrow humans one day because they're so emotionally sophisticated. If you're a robot you're a really sexy despotic one."

"Frightening how he knew how to do that. When to do that. Merciful, how he knew how to do that, when to do that."

"For being a soft landing."

"Scotch. I got you."

"Can you just - I'm tryna do a ting. Can you let me do the ting?"

"I got you slices of Tottenham cake for the journey."

"I'm gonna wear a T-shirt on the way there, but I just needed you to get the full effect."

"Oh. Rah. You think you got it like that, Scotch?"

"Not annoying. I love seeing you like this." "Nerdy?" "Yes."

"Our breakup really sucked for me, K."

"Rianne and I had grown and all the places we used to fit into one another had been filled or had evolved, the gaps sealed....but then i meet her and bruv, I'm done for. Gone."

"Amari: Well, there was that time you said 'excuse me' on your way to the bathroom at a bar during a staff social. I remember that because the guys asked me if I needed a glass of water."

"But with this situation I just sensed...that I should wait. Wait till it felt like she wanted me to speak. But even without speaking, we connected."

"Amari: If I steal it for you, would you get a beer with me?"

"[Rianne grins and plucks a gold necklace out from beneath her neckline] Amari: [grinning back]: Reparations."

"Rianne: I would have gone on a date with him.What I liked about him is that he didn't force anything. He gave us the space to happen."

"Chi cackled. 'Do you hate his guts, Aminah? There are kinder ways to let him down.'"

"Keeks, Malakai's been in a mood since we got here. Whatever is going on with you lot, fix it. You don't want to lose me in the custody battle."

"Alright sistren, brethren, them-thren."

"'Already made that mistake the other night.' What?"

"My chest had grown a hook for him to hang his smile on whenever he came around."

"Despite knowing I could handle Zack, I felt my heart flip at the sight of Malakai. It wasn't that I thought Zack could hurt me, but it was his imposition on my space, the fact that he saw rejection as a game he could win."

"You are everything, Scotch. I like your mind. I like seeing it work up close. I like your eyes, especially when you're rolling them at me. Yeah. Just like that. I like how you see things. Adds color to how I see things. I like that when you're listening to a song you love, you close your eyes and let it take you places. I wanna go wherever you go to."

"I felt like I could taste light if I wanted to, hear yellow, see the future."

"What? Okay. No. Stop. Can you get over here? You are way too far away from me right now."

"It made me feel like I was floating, flying, and falling at the same time. Like I was ascending while routed safely."

"I'd been walking around like I'd swallowed a star: fiery, celestial, delightfully volatile, and beaming everywhere."

"I nodded. 'Tag me in.'"

"I looked up at the camera Malakai was pointing my way with a grin. He'd wanted to film it just for my records, 'to remind yourself how sick you are, in case you ever forget.'"

"And it's bringing people together because look at this place. You ever seen this many different social groups come together and mingle ever? You got a Bible Study Babe flirting with a reformed Roadman doing sports science, and I don't think she's trying to convert him."

"I had put my internship in slight jeopardy but somehow I didn't feel an inclination to spiral; something was shifting in real life. It didn't matter how big our audience was, but who they were. People who cared."

"My eyes widened, suddenly finding their way to Adwoa as she chatted to Chi in another booth. She'd said her girlfriend was a blogger."

"...liked that she felt comfortable enough to drop Adwoa's name with intimacy, like she'd always said her name to me."

"'Okay. This is...I'm going to walk away now.' He started to back away, and regret flooded in, so quick and heavy I almost staggered with it."

"First, I don't mind you being an emo b**** if you let me into your room."

"'Oh, honey. Thank god you're pretty.' She shot a look at Aminah. 'Does she genuinely think she was in a fake relationship this entire time?' Aminah released a confusing cackle. 'Babe, I know. It's mad.'"

"Right. You didn't know we'd become gang. We know you, sis. It wasn't like, malicious."

"My heart filled with warmth, the comfort of being seen and known displacing anxiety. 'You guys are pretty fucking amazing.'"

"Kiki, this is not okay. First you shut me out for a week and now this? Why is Malakai the only reason you want to socialize? Was I not enough?"

"This dialogue is healthy. Continue."

"So, be part of what you bring together. Stop fighting it."

"I poked her shoulder. 'Hi. Have I ever told you that you're the love of my life?'"

"The sadness that had stiffened my bones fled, the rage made me feel supple, fluid, and I felt myself melting into someone I recognize more."

"I'd allowed too many men to drive me to contort myself into a diminished version of who I was and could be. He had attempted to make so many women feel so small, so he could feel big, and it was going to be my pleasure to ensure we trampled him underfoot."

"I want to send you a pertinent reminder: You are an intelligent, powerful young woman, and any situation that makes you feel lesser than is deceptive."

"I couldn't wear a coat over this; it would be an insult to my ancestors."

"Simi had been checking in once a day to ensure I wasn't bottling it and to also remind me that she doesn't back losers..."

"It was strange looking down at them, shiny and colorful and beaming. I felt separate, and it didn't feel right. I didn't understand how I ever felt right before, preemptively cutting myself off from connection, choosing to feel nothing to avoid feeling hurt."

"...and on her arm was Adwoa..."

"I nodded, hearing her loud and clear. 'Okay. Then we'll fix it. Walk me through it.'"

"Do you want to be with him or not?" "Obviously!" "Who is it obvious to?"

"Yours. Always yours. And that includes not letting you get in your own way and helping you accept that shit doesn't have to be complicated to be real."

"I just feel like if there's no work involved then he won't appreciate me enough. I see how my dad takes my mum for granted sometimes. You should hear how he speaks about her."

"I knew that our argument was both of our insecurities colliding, that the mess wasn't the sum of us, the sum of our possibility."

"What was it that he had said when he walked away from us? That he wasn't made for this? Wasn't right for this? I should have said that we would learn how to do this together."

"I think we operate at a higher frequency when we're together."

"She scraped her chair closer to mine and leaned her head on my shoulder. 'Take the risk. Be my Killa Keeks.'"

"He's thoughtful and gentle. He has a stillness that calms me."

"Gorgeous vignettes of tessellating-toned, brown-skinned people, kaleidoscopic sizes and shapes that formed a deep, rich, bright texture, their voices overlapping and thens separating to tell their stories."

"You know from the songs I've listened to...I feel like relationships are in the seeing. I think everyone just wants to be seen and to find someone who they enjoy seeing. Like...seeing them brings them joy."

"Man, I just feel like the whole thing...the love thing...demands that you're brave. Seeing people for what they are can be scary, that's like...full investment. Responsibility. You have to care and be committed to the care."

"I bit my lip now and laughed. I liked seeing myself like that. I liked seeing Malakai see me like that."

"It feels like you've hit on something sacred. That's how I feel when I look at her. She's the perfect shot. And the perfect shot isn't about something being flawless, it's about the truth. She's the truth to me. Clarity. The world is doable when she is near me."

"There's a whole universe in her and I would be so lucky to live in it, explore it. Over and over."

"And I wondered whether if I arranged for the Whitewell Wailers to perform an a cappella version of 'Thong Song' for her, the girl I can't get out of my head would forgive me for being a dick."

"Malakai's smile was wide and he shrugged, eyes bright with mischief as the hall exploded into whistles and cheers and my eyes watered and I was laughing and I couldn't believe how much I loved this ridiculous man."

"Malakai's face was the first stretch of sunlight in spring. His gaze blazed and beamed like something the ancients would build temples for."

"I was elsewhere. I was happy, I was here."

EPILOGUE:

"The team, including Aminah, Shanti, and Chioma, call themselves the Dahomey Amazons, after the all-bad-b**** military regiment in the ancient kingdom."

AUTHOR'S NOTE:

"So I would like to acknowledge Love in Color and all that came with it for tasting the world first and telling Honey and Spice that there was space, to make itself ready."

"I can do what I can do because of you. If you never doubted me, how dare I doubt myself?"

"Just knowing I have your blood in me, that you are part of me, makes me believe in my capabilities."

"Thank you, parents, for always trying to understand even when you don't and for your eager curiosity about my world even when it seems far from your own - thank you for sharing it with me. The joy is in making you proud."

nottoolame's review against another edition

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emotional funny lighthearted medium-paced

Plot- or character-driven? A mix
Strong character development? Yes
Loveable characters? Yes
Diverse cast of characters? Yes
Flaws of characters a main focus? Yes

4.0

OHHHH this was excellent!! Kiki had such a fun energy as the narrator, even though I unfortunately heavily related to her avoidant attachment

janie's review

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emotional hopeful reflective medium-paced

Plot- or character-driven? Character
Strong character development? Yes
Loveable characters? Yes
Diverse cast of characters? Yes
Flaws of characters a main focus? Yes

4.0

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