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thelauramay's review
5.0
I didn't really expect to finish this book. At the 4% mark I called it pretentious, and at 20% (which I was surprised to reach) I found it immature. It certainly is that, and it is almost absurdly full of tropes. I also had the peculiar feeling I was watching some kind of jerky noir cartoon, more than reading a book: and yet here we are, with a 5 star rating.
I don't think everybody will like this book. I think that a lot of people will be turned off by the things I've mentioned--and I can totally understand that, because goodness knows, I am typically a brutal reviewer. More than 3 stars--hey, more than 2 stars--isn't given lightly. However what I found is that I started to really, profoundly, relate to the cursed girl in this novel. But to dive a little deeper, i'm going to have to throw in some spoiler tags, a trigger warning or so, and a follow-up warning that this is likely going to get uncomfortably personal.
In Dette Chambers' Death Journal, Dette dies and is given a choice--to die or to live forever. She chooses the latter, and becomes a monster: she's numb to the exigencies of life, of emotion, or of anything save death. She becomes this sort of sexual vampire, in a way: she can sense when people are on the edge of death, and pushes them over the brink, basically to get her rocks off. That's the only thing she really feels any more: all else is numb. Then she meets our male protag, Zach, and she slowly regains some feelings, and some desires--but (MEGA SPOILER ALERT) she can never be truly human again. She comes to revile her curse, the monster within, and the way in which her new undead life revolves around it.
I really feel like Dette, and that's how this book got to me. I haven't killed over a thousand people--or anybody, for that matter. But what I do have is some epic PTSD, and I find that the way Dette described the world is the way I see the world. It's a place full of threat, from which we're somehow disconnected, sort of floating and unable to reach some kind of fit. It's like wearing a thousand jumpers, but instead of just enclosing and stifling your torso, they're all over--you're technically still in there, but the barrier is insurmountable.
At the moment, I'm supposed to be reading a somewhat scientific book about PTSD, so that I can understand my pathology, or whatever it is you'd call it. I've found that even reading about other people's traumas is almost unbearable for me--reading about others' experiences of PTSD is overwhelming, terrifying. Reading it through Dette's voice, the author's voice, was somehow more relatable. The moment Dette describes how her dream of Zach, with its magical realist overtones of food and sensuality and grief, made her feel like a woman--that's about when I broke. Then there is the way in which Dette describes her one and only sexual experience:
I hope that the author is okay, because I don't want her have had to go through the same things as me, as so many of us, to be able to write like this, and to have such knowledge of how it feels.
Well, there we go. I can understand why the author describes herself as having had a hard time writing some of the scenes in this book, as it really does go to some dark places. For me though, personally, it was well worth the read.
I don't think everybody will like this book. I think that a lot of people will be turned off by the things I've mentioned--and I can totally understand that, because goodness knows, I am typically a brutal reviewer. More than 3 stars--hey, more than 2 stars--isn't given lightly. However what I found is that I started to really, profoundly, relate to the cursed girl in this novel. But to dive a little deeper, i'm going to have to throw in some spoiler tags, a trigger warning or so, and a follow-up warning that this is likely going to get uncomfortably personal.
Spoiler
In Dette Chambers' Death Journal, Dette dies and is given a choice--to die or to live forever. She chooses the latter, and becomes a monster: she's numb to the exigencies of life, of emotion, or of anything save death. She becomes this sort of sexual vampire, in a way: she can sense when people are on the edge of death, and pushes them over the brink, basically to get her rocks off. That's the only thing she really feels any more: all else is numb. Then she meets our male protag, Zach, and she slowly regains some feelings, and some desires--but (MEGA SPOILER ALERT) she can never be truly human again. She comes to revile her curse, the monster within, and the way in which her new undead life revolves around it.
I really feel like Dette, and that's how this book got to me. I haven't killed over a thousand people--or anybody, for that matter. But what I do have is some epic PTSD, and I find that the way Dette described the world is the way I see the world. It's a place full of threat, from which we're somehow disconnected, sort of floating and unable to reach some kind of fit. It's like wearing a thousand jumpers, but instead of just enclosing and stifling your torso, they're all over--you're technically still in there, but the barrier is insurmountable.
At the moment, I'm supposed to be reading a somewhat scientific book about PTSD, so that I can understand my pathology, or whatever it is you'd call it. I've found that even reading about other people's traumas is almost unbearable for me--reading about others' experiences of PTSD is overwhelming, terrifying. Reading it through Dette's voice, the author's voice, was somehow more relatable. The moment Dette describes how her dream of Zach, with its magical realist overtones of food and sensuality and grief, made her feel like a woman--that's about when I broke. Then there is the way in which Dette describes her one and only sexual experience:
"It didn't hurt, it didn't feel pleasurable, it didn't feel like anything. It was like getting my hair cut or my nails trimmed; I could see what was happening, but I couldn't feel it. That womanly skin had been disconnected from my nervous system. That human part of me was what had died that moonless night."
"Never did I imagine disappointment and hesitation to coat the idea of spending an entire day with Freddy."
"Regrettably, I had already let our physical relations go too far. I could've said no, I could've said stop, but I didn't. The harsh, shameful truth is I wanted him to like me. And I desperately wanted to like his clueless touch and careless kiss."
"Yes, I had sex,...and it was devastatingly hollow. He didn't last long and I was grateful. It was nothing how I had imagined sex would be, but I also knew something wasn't right or normal with me. I was dead down there."
I hope that the author is okay, because I don't want her have had to go through the same things as me, as so many of us, to be able to write like this, and to have such knowledge of how it feels.
Well, there we go. I can understand why the author describes herself as having had a hard time writing some of the scenes in this book, as it really does go to some dark places. For me though, personally, it was well worth the read.
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