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avinz's review
2.0
I'm sure this book can be helpful to some. However, it seems to focus a lot on the negative intent of the abuser. I understand perspective where the writer is coming from, But for me it really doesn't ring true or resonate. The author seems to conflate and abuser having an abusive past or mental disorder as some type of justification for the behavior. Rather than say there is no justification and that the person is capable of not abusing, They focus on saying the abuser secretly has the intent to abuse all along.
In addition, there are some weird examples in the abuse area that stem from some pretty strong heteronormativity. Those situations could be abusive, But as described, they don't necessarily sound that way. (Specifically: mother-in-law still thinking as ex-wife of spouse as like a daughter, having a relationship with her.)
I'd recommend other books on abuse
In addition, there are some weird examples in the abuse area that stem from some pretty strong heteronormativity. Those situations could be abusive, But as described, they don't necessarily sound that way. (Specifically: mother-in-law still thinking as ex-wife of spouse as like a daughter, having a relationship with her.)
I'd recommend other books on abuse
rainafyre's review
5.0
This book helped me so much in healing from my last relationship. I knew evil was in the world, but to find out it was living with me was horrifying. Narcissistic abuse is painful, scary, & devastating. Healing from it is much harder than a normal break-up because it's spent piecing together all the lies, mind games, & manipulations. Knowing there is a specific pattern to these abusers helped to not feel so alone. There are others out there who have experienced it and found ways to heal from it is so inspiring. Thank you Shannon Thomas!
jennydarling's review
5.0
This was recommended to me by my therapist as I begin my own journey to heal from childhood through adulthood psychological abuse. This book was great to see those patterns of abusers and other toxic traits. The author provides some tools to manage that out of your life. I've realized a lot of those tools were missing for me & I've consistently been involved with similar toxicities in relationships throughout adulthood. I'd recommend this to anyone who has loved ones who have suffered psychological abuse or those who have suffered (or aren't sure) themselves.
jmanchester0's review
challenging
emotional
hopeful
informative
reflective
medium-paced
4.25
This book has a wealth of information if you’ve ever been psychologically abused by a narcissist, a psychopath, or a sociopath.
Looking back, I am appalled at how many people I’ve had in my life that fit the narcissist profile. All people that I’ve felt that drop in the pit of my stomach whenever I’ve had to face them - because I knew that there was a good chance I’d come out of every meeting feeling worse about myself. All people holding important relationships or acting as authority figures in my life.
The author talks about how these relationships can be family, significant others, friends, bosses, and even church leadership.
It’s fascinating how she talks about how abusers can twist anything they’ve done into being your fault.
She asks are these abusers “dumb or are they unaware?”
She answers. “They know.”
I’m not sure that they are always self-aware, but the author seems to think so. She’s healed from similar abuse, so she has insight, too. But I still question whether they are always so self-aware.
She spends a lot of time with this (which makes me wonder if it’s a particular hang-up), “Personality disorders are created during childhood and adolescence through lack of healthy attachments to their primary caregivers.” And, “…a lack of true attachment can occur through emotional neglect during childhood and then teen years.” But she goes on to say, “…these individuals do not want to change. The way the live their lives worlds for them, and why wouldn’t it?”
It’s a compelling argument.
I’ve always thought insecurity plays into it, but the author says later, “Rather than being insecure, psychological abusers are easily offended, consumed with themselves, and want things their way.”
One thing really blew my mind. I’m always talking about how the strongest type of conditioning is when you provide reward randomly when someone does an action. This is why gambling is so powerful - you keep thinking, “will I get the reward on this play?!?” I’m always talking about my cats this way - if you give continuous reinforcement, or a reward EVERY time they do something, it won’t be as strong because they KNOW they’re going to get the reward if they do it. But if you give a partial reinforcement on a variable-ratio schedule (doing it randomly when they do they activity), they know if they do the activity, they MIGHT get it, causing them to do it more often.
In the section “Intermittent Reinforcement”, the author describes that this is the exact same way abusers get people to do what they want. When you do something you know they would want you to do, you don’t always get a reward - but you do sometimes - making you want to do things for them much more often.
I recognize that in every narcissistic relationship I’ve been in. I used to say about one of my bosses that they were just like my dad - you never knew if they would react favorably or angrily to anything you might do. Which is exactly what the author is talking about. Or in the author’s words:
“The concepts of never knowing what to expect, and feeling relief when the abuser is pleased…”
It’s amazing how reading a book like this can validate your experiences and help you understand, first, you’re not alone in this, and second, how fucked up some of your relationships really were.
Content Warnings
Moderate: Emotional abuse
lovelybookshelf's review
challenging
informative
reflective
medium-paced
5.0
This was excellent. Right up there with Dr. Lindsay Gibson's books, which is a very high bar! Even if you merely suspect you might have endured psychological abuse, please read this book. It's validating, full of solid information, and has a variety of strategies for moving forward.
ladyandscholar's review
3.0
I was very excited to receive this book, but sadly, I disagree with the author's point of view and cannot in good conscience recommend it. However, one with a different philosophy from mine will probably enjoy this book. While I do not share the author's perspective, it did offer a different insight which I appreciate. It seemed like the author had a personal interest or grudge against those with personality disorders, and holds a strong bias towards the victims, which is understandable, but I would hope for a less partial approach in explaining the disorders. The book was well written, and easy to read and understand. I received an Advanced Reader's Copy of this book in exchange for my honest feedback.