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41 reviews for:
Rest, Play, Grow: Making Sense of Preschoolers (or Anyone Who Acts Like One)
Deborah MacNamara
4.27 AVERAGE
41 reviews for:
Rest, Play, Grow: Making Sense of Preschoolers (or Anyone Who Acts Like One)
Deborah MacNamara
4.27 AVERAGE
A fantastic reminder of the importance of attachment in allowing children to explore their world and reach maturity.
I will be re-reading this as my 1 year old starts to act like one.. and probably even before then as my 3 and a half year old goes through his growing pains.
A fantastic book that I'll be recommending to every parent of a "preschooler."
I will be re-reading this as my 1 year old starts to act like one.. and probably even before then as my 3 and a half year old goes through his growing pains.
A fantastic book that I'll be recommending to every parent of a "preschooler."
hopeful
informative
inspiring
medium-paced
Best parenting book I've read. Makes so much sense and so many practical examples of how to move forward in parenting and relationship bulding with your kiddo
I do not understand why this book is so well-rated and so often recommended. It. Is. So. Dry. And it’s also insistent that parents read too many parenting books and parenting books are unhelpful but also this is a parenting book??? Anywho, a few good tips to give this a 2* but way too boring to recommend or ever desire to pick up again.
3.5/5 rounded up
I really appreciated this book and that it focused on the development of young children. So many parenting books are filled with scripts or read like “how to” manuals, leaving one to feel like there’s one perfect way to do things (or that you must perfectly phrase every sentence you speak). While this book has many recommendations on how to engage with your child, it’s focus was teaching developmental principles so that you can interact with intention. I learned a lot about this challenging age group! And, what was written will certainly inform my parenting.
Lost stars because it’s very dense and written academically (reminds me of college course materials). It was a slow, difficult read for me.
I really appreciated this book and that it focused on the development of young children. So many parenting books are filled with scripts or read like “how to” manuals, leaving one to feel like there’s one perfect way to do things (or that you must perfectly phrase every sentence you speak). While this book has many recommendations on how to engage with your child, it’s focus was teaching developmental principles so that you can interact with intention. I learned a lot about this challenging age group! And, what was written will certainly inform my parenting.
Lost stars because it’s very dense and written academically (reminds me of college course materials). It was a slow, difficult read for me.
Very thorough. A little on the clinical side, which is good and bad. I feel like I learned a lot, but I have concerns I'm not understanding everything properly. But in general, I like that this looks at children through a lens of compassion and science.
informative
medium-paced
While it was geared at parents I found it to be beneficial to all caregivers
Struggling between 2 or 3 stars. Overall, I liked the premise of the book and took away some good nuggets of wisdom, but didn’t totally connect with it. This is one of those books that I’m sure is a great read for some, but typically left me feeling like I wasn’t doing enough as a parent as opposed to feeling encouraged with practical ideas on ways to help my preschooler.
So brilliant. If you have a young child you've got to get this book.
In Deborah MacNamara's book, she unpacks and expands on the work of Dr Gordon Neufeld (Hold on to Your Kids, 4 stars), who argues that the quality of parental attachment is the primary driver of a child's socio-emotional development and growth. Drawing substantially from course material from the Neufeld Institute, MacNamara argues that it is only when a child feels secure in their relationship with their parent/caregiver that they are able to be at rest, so that they can play and then grow, and reach their developmental potential (hence the book's title).
For MacNamara, developmental potential is "not about academic achievements, social status or good behaviour, individual talents or gifts…[It] is about leading a child to maturity, to responsible citizenship, and to considering the world around them from multiple perspectives. It is a road map for growing a child into a separate, independent being who assumes responsibility for directing their own life and for the choices they make. It is about the unfolding of a child's potential as an adaptive being with the capacity to overcome adversity, persist in the face of difficulty, and become resilient. It is a road map to a child's potential as a social being who shares thoughts and feelings in a responsible way; develops impulse control, patience, and consideration; and considers the impact of who they are on others".
And "play" here is not about play dates and structured activities, but activities that fulfil these 3 characteristics: they are not goal oriented (which would make it work); they are not real; and they are expressive and exploratory. As MacNamara explains, "play is where the fun happens. By contrasty, when one is working on something, the 'fruits of one's labour' are enjoyed upon completing a task…The type of play young children need is often that which is done on their own without parents or peers as playmates. When children play together, it is usually left to one child to lead the play, while the others become passive recipients of direction and ideas. A young child needs to have time to become immersed in their own world for the purpose of expression or exploration."
MacNamara notes "in a behavioural/learning approach, a child's behaviour is shaped and maturity is taught. The unspoken assumption is that a child learns to be mature, with parents controlling this process rather than growing them towards maturity by providing the conditions for it to unfold…[there is a] proliferation of child-rearing practices that rely on sculpting techniques, such as negative or positive reinforcement, rewards, consequences, and coercion, to correct signs of immaturity. Dealing with a child's immature behaviour is the primary focus, and parenting skills are used to modify learned responses".
However, in the developmental/relational approach, parents are seen less as sculptors and more like "gardeners who seek to understand what conditions children grow best in. Their focus is on cultivating strong adult-child relationships that provide the foundation on which full human potential is realised. Parents use their relationship to protect and preserve a child's emotional functioning and well-being…Just as in physical growth, children are born with inner growth processes that, if supported, propel them towards greater psychological and emotional maturity. Maturation is spontaneous but not inevitable". It is not so much about "what we do to our young children but…who we are to them".
MacNamara reminds us that young children lack the capacity to consider more than one point of view at a time because their brains are still under development. Impatience, impulsivity, lack of reflection, lack of moderation, egocentricity are all par for the course for young kids and it is only, on average, at the ages of 5 to 7 that their brains start to integrate and they are able to demonstrate capacity for judgement, self-control and flexible thinking (7 to 9 for more sensitive kids). It is only at this stage that a child can start to experience and attend to "conflicting feelings, thoughts and impulses…experience inner dissonance and [develop a] conscience". For sensitive kids - whom MacNamara describes as those who "may complain that tags in their clothes are too itchy, sounds are too loud, smells are too strong, or some foods taste really bad [and for whom] it can be difficult to get their attention because they are bombarded by sensory information and are overwhelmed" - this process takes place later, around ages 7 to 9 on average. Yet, MacNamara observes that sensitive children "also seem to possess a natural brightness in comparison to other children because of their enhanced receptivity to information and stimulation."
So what does it mean to nurture and develop little children and help them mature psychologically? First, MacNamara emphasises the importance of having a strong relationship with the child, where the child's hunger for contact and closeness is satiated and they can be "at rest in their relationships"; we can think of young children as having an attachment fuel tank that can quickly get depleted and needs topping up to overflowing before independent play can happen. Children need to know that they are loved for who they are (as opposed to what they do), that they can feel safe revealing vulnerable feelings because it will not lead to separation from their attachments. While attachment potential is typically realised in the first six years of life, MacNamara reassures the reader that it "is never too late for attachment potential to be realised".
It is only where there is strong attachment that a child's desire to follow directions will be activated. This means that when we want our children to follow our directions, we first need to activate that connection and attachment through what MacNamara terms the "collecting ritual"; getting their attention by moving into their space in a friendly way, providing a touch of contact and closeness, before we make a request of them. Because young kids can only attend to one thing at a time, it is perfectly natural for them to ignore everything else (including their parents) when they are engrossed in something. The collecting ritual helps to shift their attention towards the parent.
Second, MacNamara stresses the importance of 'keeping children's hearts soft", where they can feel emotions in a vulnerable way and feel moved by them. Parents support children in this by (a) inviting them to express their feelings and helping children learn names for their feelings; (b) serving as shields by inviting children to tell you how they are feeling, reflecting on what you have heard, and acknowledging what it is like to feel this way; and (c) serving as tempering agents by helping to manage children's strong emotions and restore emotional balance.
Related to the point on emotional balance, MacNamara notes that frustration is a strong emotion that children need help managing and that "helping a child accept something is futile is not a logical process but an emotional one…Efforts to talk a young child out of something in a reasonable and rational manner are usually doomed to failure. We need to go through their heart not their head for futility to register…We need to help them hear our 'no' and be moved to accept it emotionally". And a child can only accept that something is futile if their heart is soft and can be moved to feel sadness and disappointment, and feel safe to show this vulnerability to a caring adult. MacNamara warns that "a young child can be a relentless change agent who refuses to take no for an answer. The fatal mistake is telling them why you are saying 'no' at this point. Parents can end up trapped in a logical conversation with a young child, with arguments made and countered, negotiations sought and refused. In the face of a child's incessant whys, parents can simply reflect that it is frustrating not to get the answer they want….If we want a child to adapt to something that is futile, then we need to close the doorway to change and open the doorway to adaptation. Closing the doorway to change means we provide a clear and direct 'no' to their request or agenda with little explanation. If the answer sinks in and futility registers emotionally, a child can be moved to adapt, can feel disappointment or sadness, and might even begin to cry".
MacNamara argues that behavioral problems in children often have their roots in (a) poor attachment (not feeling loved); (b) where there is attachment, but the child does not accept the adult as the caretaker and follows their lead (not feeling taken care of and believing that care will endure); or (c) the child not having a soft heart. More often than not, we end up trying to tackle the behaviors themselves, which are the symptoms, rather than trying to address the root cause.
In the case of (a) , strengthening/re-establishing attachment is key. In the case of (b), MacNamara advises that parents regain the alpha role by "seizing the lead and reading the child's needs" (and responding to those needs instead of to the child's demands); and by providing more than is pursued to that the provision of care more than satisfies their hunger for connection. Because parents should be seen as the providers and guides, MacNamara argues that young children should not be made to "feel responsible for their [parents'] emotions, stress, hardships, and sacrifices". Nor should parents allow their kids to see when they are at a loss to deal with the kids' behaviour.
For (c), restoring the child's emotional vulnerability is essential. For MacNamara, socio-emotional development always starts with the heart and engaging at the emotional level:
"When a child cannot feel the futility of changing something and the tears do not come, they will be moved to attack….Adults often intervene by asking an attacking child why they are so angry - 'Why did you throw the toy?' or 'Why did you hit your brother?' - which is a request for logic and reason…When a young child is full of attacking energy, the goal is to…allow some attacking energy to be vented, coming alongside their frustration, and making it safe for them and others. The goal is to lead them back to their sadness or tears. If child has lost their tears and there is little sign of vulnerable feelings such as caring and sadness, then the goal will be to survive the incident with everyone's dignity intact."
She emphasises repeatedly that kids' behaviours is the responsibility of the parents - by setting the appropriate conditions and environment that kids find it easy and natural to behave well, by supervising kids, being alert to potential incidents and nipping them in the bud before they can escalate; the onus should be on kids to manage their own behaviour. Adults can supervise and direct kids and make sure that they are not placed in situations that are too much for them developmentally (e.g. sitting through a long meal quietly, putting them in a new and highly stimulating environment for a long time). They should provide structure and routine to compensate for young children's lack of organizational and social abilities because routines provide guidelines for behaviour and expectations.
MacNamara warns that while time-outs and separation-based discipline may appear effective, they do so by working on children's fear of separation from their parents. In order to avoid the anxiety of parental supervision, children will actively suppress whatever emotions or behaviours are being deemed unacceptable.
Overall, Rest, Play, Grow is a useful - albeit challenging - read for parents. I confess to having used time outs as a means of discipline (and it did create a lot of angst for my younger child in particular) and trying to use logic and reasoning to teach my kids what they should and should not be doing (believing that if you can feed yourself and sleep in underwear, that must be a sign of maturity on all fronts). MacNamara's book provides an alternative take on what it takes to raise kids who will do the right thing. She reminds us:
"Our society has become preoccupied with the caring performance given rather than the roots from which caring actions arise". So we instruct children to say "sorry" or "thank you" but this does not ensure that they feel remorse or gratitude. Any hurry to get a mature performance will thwart their understanding of the emotions that will render them the most humane….A child can be scripted to look civilised but it is a performance devoid of any depth".
I also appreciated how MacNamara constantly reminds us to take our kids' perspective - that what seems logical to an adult will make no sense at all to a little person whose brain just has not reached that level of development. And trying to explain things from an adult-oriented perspective is an exercise in futility. This observation in particular really got me: "while parenthood is tough on parents, it is tough on kids too. Imagine being a baby and having to transition from "being inside you 24/7, feeling your warmth, hearing your heartbeat, to never being able to hold you close like that again".
4.5 stars.
For MacNamara, developmental potential is "not about academic achievements, social status or good behaviour, individual talents or gifts…[It] is about leading a child to maturity, to responsible citizenship, and to considering the world around them from multiple perspectives. It is a road map for growing a child into a separate, independent being who assumes responsibility for directing their own life and for the choices they make. It is about the unfolding of a child's potential as an adaptive being with the capacity to overcome adversity, persist in the face of difficulty, and become resilient. It is a road map to a child's potential as a social being who shares thoughts and feelings in a responsible way; develops impulse control, patience, and consideration; and considers the impact of who they are on others".
And "play" here is not about play dates and structured activities, but activities that fulfil these 3 characteristics: they are not goal oriented (which would make it work); they are not real; and they are expressive and exploratory. As MacNamara explains, "play is where the fun happens. By contrasty, when one is working on something, the 'fruits of one's labour' are enjoyed upon completing a task…The type of play young children need is often that which is done on their own without parents or peers as playmates. When children play together, it is usually left to one child to lead the play, while the others become passive recipients of direction and ideas. A young child needs to have time to become immersed in their own world for the purpose of expression or exploration."
MacNamara notes "in a behavioural/learning approach, a child's behaviour is shaped and maturity is taught. The unspoken assumption is that a child learns to be mature, with parents controlling this process rather than growing them towards maturity by providing the conditions for it to unfold…[there is a] proliferation of child-rearing practices that rely on sculpting techniques, such as negative or positive reinforcement, rewards, consequences, and coercion, to correct signs of immaturity. Dealing with a child's immature behaviour is the primary focus, and parenting skills are used to modify learned responses".
However, in the developmental/relational approach, parents are seen less as sculptors and more like "gardeners who seek to understand what conditions children grow best in. Their focus is on cultivating strong adult-child relationships that provide the foundation on which full human potential is realised. Parents use their relationship to protect and preserve a child's emotional functioning and well-being…Just as in physical growth, children are born with inner growth processes that, if supported, propel them towards greater psychological and emotional maturity. Maturation is spontaneous but not inevitable". It is not so much about "what we do to our young children but…who we are to them".
MacNamara reminds us that young children lack the capacity to consider more than one point of view at a time because their brains are still under development. Impatience, impulsivity, lack of reflection, lack of moderation, egocentricity are all par for the course for young kids and it is only, on average, at the ages of 5 to 7 that their brains start to integrate and they are able to demonstrate capacity for judgement, self-control and flexible thinking (7 to 9 for more sensitive kids). It is only at this stage that a child can start to experience and attend to "conflicting feelings, thoughts and impulses…experience inner dissonance and [develop a] conscience". For sensitive kids - whom MacNamara describes as those who "may complain that tags in their clothes are too itchy, sounds are too loud, smells are too strong, or some foods taste really bad [and for whom] it can be difficult to get their attention because they are bombarded by sensory information and are overwhelmed" - this process takes place later, around ages 7 to 9 on average. Yet, MacNamara observes that sensitive children "also seem to possess a natural brightness in comparison to other children because of their enhanced receptivity to information and stimulation."
So what does it mean to nurture and develop little children and help them mature psychologically? First, MacNamara emphasises the importance of having a strong relationship with the child, where the child's hunger for contact and closeness is satiated and they can be "at rest in their relationships"; we can think of young children as having an attachment fuel tank that can quickly get depleted and needs topping up to overflowing before independent play can happen. Children need to know that they are loved for who they are (as opposed to what they do), that they can feel safe revealing vulnerable feelings because it will not lead to separation from their attachments. While attachment potential is typically realised in the first six years of life, MacNamara reassures the reader that it "is never too late for attachment potential to be realised".
It is only where there is strong attachment that a child's desire to follow directions will be activated. This means that when we want our children to follow our directions, we first need to activate that connection and attachment through what MacNamara terms the "collecting ritual"; getting their attention by moving into their space in a friendly way, providing a touch of contact and closeness, before we make a request of them. Because young kids can only attend to one thing at a time, it is perfectly natural for them to ignore everything else (including their parents) when they are engrossed in something. The collecting ritual helps to shift their attention towards the parent.
Second, MacNamara stresses the importance of 'keeping children's hearts soft", where they can feel emotions in a vulnerable way and feel moved by them. Parents support children in this by (a) inviting them to express their feelings and helping children learn names for their feelings; (b) serving as shields by inviting children to tell you how they are feeling, reflecting on what you have heard, and acknowledging what it is like to feel this way; and (c) serving as tempering agents by helping to manage children's strong emotions and restore emotional balance.
Related to the point on emotional balance, MacNamara notes that frustration is a strong emotion that children need help managing and that "helping a child accept something is futile is not a logical process but an emotional one…Efforts to talk a young child out of something in a reasonable and rational manner are usually doomed to failure. We need to go through their heart not their head for futility to register…We need to help them hear our 'no' and be moved to accept it emotionally". And a child can only accept that something is futile if their heart is soft and can be moved to feel sadness and disappointment, and feel safe to show this vulnerability to a caring adult. MacNamara warns that "a young child can be a relentless change agent who refuses to take no for an answer. The fatal mistake is telling them why you are saying 'no' at this point. Parents can end up trapped in a logical conversation with a young child, with arguments made and countered, negotiations sought and refused. In the face of a child's incessant whys, parents can simply reflect that it is frustrating not to get the answer they want….If we want a child to adapt to something that is futile, then we need to close the doorway to change and open the doorway to adaptation. Closing the doorway to change means we provide a clear and direct 'no' to their request or agenda with little explanation. If the answer sinks in and futility registers emotionally, a child can be moved to adapt, can feel disappointment or sadness, and might even begin to cry".
MacNamara argues that behavioral problems in children often have their roots in (a) poor attachment (not feeling loved); (b) where there is attachment, but the child does not accept the adult as the caretaker and follows their lead (not feeling taken care of and believing that care will endure); or (c) the child not having a soft heart. More often than not, we end up trying to tackle the behaviors themselves, which are the symptoms, rather than trying to address the root cause.
In the case of (a) , strengthening/re-establishing attachment is key. In the case of (b), MacNamara advises that parents regain the alpha role by "seizing the lead and reading the child's needs" (and responding to those needs instead of to the child's demands); and by providing more than is pursued to that the provision of care more than satisfies their hunger for connection. Because parents should be seen as the providers and guides, MacNamara argues that young children should not be made to "feel responsible for their [parents'] emotions, stress, hardships, and sacrifices". Nor should parents allow their kids to see when they are at a loss to deal with the kids' behaviour.
For (c), restoring the child's emotional vulnerability is essential. For MacNamara, socio-emotional development always starts with the heart and engaging at the emotional level:
"When a child cannot feel the futility of changing something and the tears do not come, they will be moved to attack….Adults often intervene by asking an attacking child why they are so angry - 'Why did you throw the toy?' or 'Why did you hit your brother?' - which is a request for logic and reason…When a young child is full of attacking energy, the goal is to…allow some attacking energy to be vented, coming alongside their frustration, and making it safe for them and others. The goal is to lead them back to their sadness or tears. If child has lost their tears and there is little sign of vulnerable feelings such as caring and sadness, then the goal will be to survive the incident with everyone's dignity intact."
She emphasises repeatedly that kids' behaviours is the responsibility of the parents - by setting the appropriate conditions and environment that kids find it easy and natural to behave well, by supervising kids, being alert to potential incidents and nipping them in the bud before they can escalate; the onus should be on kids to manage their own behaviour. Adults can supervise and direct kids and make sure that they are not placed in situations that are too much for them developmentally (e.g. sitting through a long meal quietly, putting them in a new and highly stimulating environment for a long time). They should provide structure and routine to compensate for young children's lack of organizational and social abilities because routines provide guidelines for behaviour and expectations.
MacNamara warns that while time-outs and separation-based discipline may appear effective, they do so by working on children's fear of separation from their parents. In order to avoid the anxiety of parental supervision, children will actively suppress whatever emotions or behaviours are being deemed unacceptable.
Overall, Rest, Play, Grow is a useful - albeit challenging - read for parents. I confess to having used time outs as a means of discipline (and it did create a lot of angst for my younger child in particular) and trying to use logic and reasoning to teach my kids what they should and should not be doing (believing that if you can feed yourself and sleep in underwear, that must be a sign of maturity on all fronts). MacNamara's book provides an alternative take on what it takes to raise kids who will do the right thing. She reminds us:
"Our society has become preoccupied with the caring performance given rather than the roots from which caring actions arise". So we instruct children to say "sorry" or "thank you" but this does not ensure that they feel remorse or gratitude. Any hurry to get a mature performance will thwart their understanding of the emotions that will render them the most humane….A child can be scripted to look civilised but it is a performance devoid of any depth".
I also appreciated how MacNamara constantly reminds us to take our kids' perspective - that what seems logical to an adult will make no sense at all to a little person whose brain just has not reached that level of development. And trying to explain things from an adult-oriented perspective is an exercise in futility. This observation in particular really got me: "while parenthood is tough on parents, it is tough on kids too. Imagine being a baby and having to transition from "being inside you 24/7, feeling your warmth, hearing your heartbeat, to never being able to hold you close like that again".
4.5 stars.
A must read to every parent, new as well as these who have lot of kids, but never knew about the importance of attachment.