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1.03k reviews for:
The Ethical Slut, Third Edition: A Practical Guide to Polyamory, Open Relationships, and Other Freedoms in Sex and Love
Dossie Easton
3.92 AVERAGE
1.03k reviews for:
The Ethical Slut, Third Edition: A Practical Guide to Polyamory, Open Relationships, and Other Freedoms in Sex and Love
Dossie Easton
3.92 AVERAGE
“The Ethical Slut” is a primer on “alternative relationships”- the book touches on everything from “monogamish” partnerships to poly relationships with constellations of partners. I picked it up because I’d seen it recommended by someone I admire who happens to be in an open marriage. I learned a lot about the myriad kinds of relationships people can build for themselves outside of the kind dictated by the cultural mainstream. I feel like this book has great takeaways whether you are single, in a monogamous couple, or practicing one of the many forms of polyamory - namely, that you should be honest, honorable, compassionate, and intentional in all the relationships you have. I appreciated what the authors had to say about not just stepping on the escalator of life and ending up where we’re told to end up, but rather, to examine the choices we make for what will work best for us in any given phase of life.
informative
lighthearted
fast-paced
Solid book that explores a lot about sexuality, non-monogamy, and generally expanding one's view of relationships. While I still feel like I have questions (and there is a further reading list provided) I think that it does a good job covering the topics it does, providing examples and exercises, and challenged my personal viewpoints in a few areas. I think the authors approach the book with an assumption that whoever is reading the book already has a marked interest in pursuing non-monogamy, but there is still much to learn even if you are not.
informative
medium-paced
The Ethical Slut: A Practical Guide to Polyamory, Open Relationships & Other Adventures
by Dossie Easton and Janet Hardy is a fascinating look at different ways of doing relationships. It doesn't tell you how to live your life one way or another, but it asks thought-provoking questions that helps you to consciously choose what kind of relationship(s) you want, and it gives you the tools to make the most of said relationships(s).
One of the main things I took away from The Ethical Slut is that I have, at least emotionally, been stuck thinking about life in terms of so-called "starvation economies", i.e., the idea that life is a zero-sum game and that if someone else has something that means there is less for you. While there are a few things in your life, e.g., time and resources, that are indeed limited, most things are not. There is no set limit of beauty, intelligence, sexiness or love.
Another important point is learning to trust yourself, that you do have the skills to look after yourself and that you don't need to (and in my opinion shouldn't) rely on another person to take care of you. Learning to ask for what you need (but also knowing and respecting that that doesn't necessarily mean getting it, or getting it when you want it), daring to be brave and vulnerable by opening up to people, setting and respecting boundaries, knowing yourself and owning your own feelings.
Actually this book is so quotable, my copy has many many yellow highlights. In this review I have chosen to focus on the parts that I believe are applicable to everyone (and I honestly do feel like everyone could gain something from reading it), it does also have plenty of information on ethical/consensual non-monogamy (in all its variations), as well as safe and safer sex practices.
by Dossie Easton and Janet Hardy is a fascinating look at different ways of doing relationships. It doesn't tell you how to live your life one way or another, but it asks thought-provoking questions that helps you to consciously choose what kind of relationship(s) you want, and it gives you the tools to make the most of said relationships(s).One of the main things I took away from The Ethical Slut
is that I have, at least emotionally, been stuck thinking about life in terms of so-called "starvation economies", i.e., the idea that life is a zero-sum game and that if someone else has something that means there is less for you. While there are a few things in your life, e.g., time and resources, that are indeed limited, most things are not. There is no set limit of beauty, intelligence, sexiness or love.Another important point is learning to trust yourself, that you do have the skills to look after yourself and that you don't need to (and in my opinion shouldn't) rely on another person to take care of you. Learning to ask for what you need (but also knowing and respecting that that doesn't necessarily mean getting it, or getting it when you want it), daring to be brave and vulnerable by opening up to people, setting and respecting boundaries, knowing yourself and owning your own feelings.
When you respect your own limits, others will learn to respect them too. People tend to live up to your standards when you are not afraid to set them.
To truly know yourself is to live on a constant journey of self-exploration, to learn about yourself from reading, therapy, and, best of all, talking incessantly with others who are traveling on similar paths. This hard work is well worth it because it is the way you become free to choose how you want to live and love, own your life, and become truly the author of your experience.
A basic precept of intimate communication is that each person owns her own feelings. No one "makes" you feel jealous or insecure - the person who makes you feel that way is you. No matter what the other person is doing, what you feel in response is determined inside you.
...
The problem is that when you blame someone else for how you feel, you disempower yourself from finding solutions. If this is someone else's fault, only that person can fix it, right? So poor you can't do anything but sit there and moan.
On the other hand, when you own your feelings you have lots of choices. You can talk about how you feel, you can choose whether or not you want to act on those feelings (no more "the devil made me do it"), you can learn how to understand yourself better, you can comfort yourself or ask for comfort. Owning your feelings is basic to understanding the boundaries of where you end and the next person begins and the perfect first step towards self-acceptance and self-love.
Perhaps the most important step in dealing with problems is to recognize that they will happen and that it's okay that they do. You'll make mistakes. You'll encounter beliefs, myths, and "buttons" you never knew you had. There will be times when you'll feel pretty awful.
Knowing, loving, and respecting yourself is an absolute prerequisite to knowing, loving, and respecting someone else. Cut yourself some slack.
Everybody feels bad sometimes, so you are in excellent company. And when you have the courage to be open about a vulnerable feeling, everyone around you gets permission to be open with theirs.
Actually this book is so quotable, my copy has many many yellow highlights. In this review I have chosen to focus on the parts that I believe are applicable to everyone (and I honestly do feel like everyone could gain something from reading it), it does also have plenty of information on ethical/consensual non-monogamy (in all its variations), as well as safe and safer sex practices.
Je ne pense pas un jour désirer une relation polyamoureuse, mais je suis vraiment contente d'avoir lu ce livre. Il offre des conseils vraiment intéressants sur les relations, qu'elles soient polyamoureuses ou non.
''One way to not feel a feeling is to project it onto your partner. Projection is a psychological defense that involves trying to move a painful feeling outside yourself by running your emotional movie on someone else, as if that person were a screen for your fears and fantasies. It may be that this is the only real definition of jealousy : it's the experience of projecting one's uncomfortable feelings onto one's partner.'' (P. 139)
''One way to not feel a feeling is to project it onto your partner. Projection is a psychological defense that involves trying to move a painful feeling outside yourself by running your emotional movie on someone else, as if that person were a screen for your fears and fantasies. It may be that this is the only real definition of jealousy : it's the experience of projecting one's uncomfortable feelings onto one's partner.'' (P. 139)
What struck me about this excellent book is how the tools it argues are useful for polyamory are actually things that monogamous relationships need.
A great playbook of communication that pulls the veil to reveal what our relationships truly are: transactions. We give and we take. What is required is a) full disclosure aka ethical and frequent communication and b) the power to opt in or out.
An eye-opening book about what makes all relationships work..
A great playbook of communication that pulls the veil to reveal what our relationships truly are: transactions. We give and we take. What is required is a) full disclosure aka ethical and frequent communication and b) the power to opt in or out.
An eye-opening book about what makes all relationships work..
adventurous
challenging
emotional
funny
hopeful
informative
inspiring
reflective
medium-paced
Too generalized and boring. Not enough about actual polyamory, more of general info of being in any relationship.
challenging
hopeful
inspiring
reflective
fast-paced
Whether or not you are ENM, this book has some valuable advice for anyone in a relationship or not. Lots of good talk on jealousy, conflict and working through issues.