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alex_jk's review against another edition
hopeful
informative
inspiring
reflective
medium-paced
4.0
This book is a great introduction to aromanticism and asexuality and an exploration of these identities and the experience of coming to terms with one's identity. I would have appreciated some acknowledgement of loveless aros, as well as concepts such as relationship anarchy, considering how much care was taken to address many different ways to live as an aro or ace person. However, this book is nonetheless an incredibly needed dive into aro and ace identity.
maralrose's review
2.5
I'll start off by saying that there's a lot about this book that was good. For one thing, it gave equal weight and attention to aromanticism, rather than treating it like a less important extension of asexuality. There was also consistent acknowledgement of the fact that the labels people use for their orientation can change over time for any number of reasons and that that's okay. All the information was laid out in very clear language. And personally, I was super relieved when I checked the table of contents and saw that we were finally getting an aspec book without a chapter about dating.
However, there was one big, glaring issue that I feel the need to bring up, and that is the fact that throughout the book there is a sense of deep discomfort with the existence of sex-repulsed and romance-repulsed people. This is a problem in the ace and aro communities in general, not just with the authors of this book, but it is very obviously there. The authors make sure to include paragraph after paragraph about how romance-favorable aros and sex-favorable aces are good and valid. There are weird little lectures directed at romance-repulsed and sex-repulsed readers about how frustration with compulsory sexuality and amatonormativity are a slippery slope to shaming people for having and enjoying sex. There are even hypotheticals featuring sex-repulsed and romance-repulsed strawmen who advocate for banning sex and bully people for liking romance novels. And then there is literally half a sentence begrudgingly acknowledging that romance-repulsed and sex-repulsed people might have valid feelings too. And there is no acknowledgement of the fact that sex- and romance-repulsed aces and aros often face bullying and pressure to engage in sex and romance from other aces and aros. Considering how careful the authors were to acknowledge and address other problems in these communities, this felt deliberate.
There were other issues as well, such as the claim that exclusionism and gatekeeping are "unique to ace and aro communities." That is just incredibly untrue. The nonsense about who "counts" as X identity and how Y experience means you can't use Z label happens in every queer community. The phrase "gold star lesbian" comes to mind, as does the accusations that bi people aren't really bi if they "end up with" someone of the "opposite" gender. It was really weird and baffling to see a book with upwards of eight authors claim that this is in any way unique to asexuals and aromantics.
Also, the section about "ace discourse" really waters down what was actually happening. First of all, calling it "discourse" just makes it sound like silly disagreements rather than what it actually was, which was an organized, bigoted mass harassment campaign against aromantic and asexual people. The authors mention aspec blogs on tumblr "[becoming] notably harder to find" but makes no mention of the reason for that, which is that a large chunk of the community actively recloseted themselves in an attempt to avoid harassment, threats, and doxxing. Asexual and aromantic communities were decimated by this and it warrants a more honest discussion of what was happening.
This is I guess less of an issue and more of an annoyance but there's also a recurring theme in this book of aromantic and asexual identity being tied to participation in fandom. The worst part was the claim that dragons became a symbol of asexuality because of a Harry Potter character which is...just not true.
However, there was one big, glaring issue that I feel the need to bring up, and that is the fact that throughout the book there is a sense of deep discomfort with the existence of sex-repulsed and romance-repulsed people. This is a problem in the ace and aro communities in general, not just with the authors of this book, but it is very obviously there. The authors make sure to include paragraph after paragraph about how romance-favorable aros and sex-favorable aces are good and valid. There are weird little lectures directed at romance-repulsed and sex-repulsed readers about how frustration with compulsory sexuality and amatonormativity are a slippery slope to shaming people for having and enjoying sex. There are even hypotheticals featuring sex-repulsed and romance-repulsed strawmen who advocate for banning sex and bully people for liking romance novels. And then there is literally half a sentence begrudgingly acknowledging that romance-repulsed and sex-repulsed people might have valid feelings too. And there is no acknowledgement of the fact that sex- and romance-repulsed aces and aros often face bullying and pressure to engage in sex and romance from other aces and aros. Considering how careful the authors were to acknowledge and address other problems in these communities, this felt deliberate.
There were other issues as well, such as the claim that exclusionism and gatekeeping are "unique to ace and aro communities." That is just incredibly untrue. The nonsense about who "counts" as X identity and how Y experience means you can't use Z label happens in every queer community. The phrase "gold star lesbian" comes to mind, as does the accusations that bi people aren't really bi if they "end up with" someone of the "opposite" gender. It was really weird and baffling to see a book with upwards of eight authors claim that this is in any way unique to asexuals and aromantics.
Also, the section about "ace discourse" really waters down what was actually happening. First of all, calling it "discourse" just makes it sound like silly disagreements rather than what it actually was, which was an organized, bigoted mass harassment campaign against aromantic and asexual people. The authors mention aspec blogs on tumblr "[becoming] notably harder to find" but makes no mention of the reason for that, which is that a large chunk of the community actively recloseted themselves in an attempt to avoid harassment, threats, and doxxing. Asexual and aromantic communities were decimated by this and it warrants a more honest discussion of what was happening.
This is I guess less of an issue and more of an annoyance but there's also a recurring theme in this book of aromantic and asexual identity being tied to participation in fandom. The worst part was the claim that dragons became a symbol of asexuality because of a Harry Potter character which is...just not true.
tau's review
I've been out as ace for years, so this book was way too introductory for me. Read it on a recommendation.
adillondev's review
hopeful
informative
inspiring
reflective
medium-paced
4.0
While I personally am not the target audience for this book, this is another great 101 book on aromanticism and asexuality.
bookworm_heather's review against another edition
2.0
I appreciate the effort that this book makes in trying to educate for Ace/Aro identities, but I don't think it was accomplished as well as they hoped. It felt very blog/Tumblr heavy, and that can be a detriment (as someone who has frequented that site) to the average person picking this up. In addition, the topics covered were a little all over the place, and most points were covered multiple times, and large chunks of text could've been cut. And the text itself almost felt AI generated at times, if that makes any sense, and there were multiple places where it felt like "word vomit".
So, in general, I believe this book was born from a good place, but needed another crack at editing before it was published.
So, in general, I believe this book was born from a good place, but needed another crack at editing before it was published.