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macthebrazen's review
challenging
emotional
hopeful
informative
inspiring
reflective
medium-paced
4.0
amber_lea84's review
3.0
This book is kind of terrible.
I feel like it's a book on how to stay in a relationship you should probably get out of. Alternate title: How to make it work when all the signs say you should get out immediately. Like never at any point does this book suggest that maybe you should break up because some people just aren't compatible, or some people are just abusive. It's like ...must...stay together...at all costs.
Also, I used to be all about validation until I discovered there's such a thing as too much validation. Where people are so focused on being validating that they never really tell you what they want or think and then one day it's like surprise! They hate you and you never knew. Way to cram down all your feelings and blame it on being supportive. (This hasn't actually happened to me, but I've witnessed it up close.) So I feel like this book doesn't do enough to stress BE HONEST. MAKE SURE YOU TELL PEOPLE WHAT YOU NEED.
On the flip side, I suppose it could be helpful for people who struggle with emotional maturity. Like are you prone to being self-centered and throwing tantrums to get your way? Here's the book for you.
But if you're already prone to taking on too much responsibility for other people's feelings and trying to fix everything this book is probably the worst thing you can possibly read. You should perhaps pick up a book on how to say enough is enough.
I feel like it's a book on how to stay in a relationship you should probably get out of. Alternate title: How to make it work when all the signs say you should get out immediately. Like never at any point does this book suggest that maybe you should break up because some people just aren't compatible, or some people are just abusive. It's like ...must...stay together...at all costs.
Also, I used to be all about validation until I discovered there's such a thing as too much validation. Where people are so focused on being validating that they never really tell you what they want or think and then one day it's like surprise! They hate you and you never knew. Way to cram down all your feelings and blame it on being supportive. (This hasn't actually happened to me, but I've witnessed it up close.) So I feel like this book doesn't do enough to stress BE HONEST. MAKE SURE YOU TELL PEOPLE WHAT YOU NEED.
On the flip side, I suppose it could be helpful for people who struggle with emotional maturity. Like are you prone to being self-centered and throwing tantrums to get your way? Here's the book for you.
But if you're already prone to taking on too much responsibility for other people's feelings and trying to fix everything this book is probably the worst thing you can possibly read. You should perhaps pick up a book on how to say enough is enough.
orionoconnell's review
4.0
I'll preface my review to this book by stating simply this: there is absolutely nothing wrong with self-help. It's 100% okay to not be okay, or to learn how to be better.
I picked up this particular book to try and overcome my own issues and traumas that I feel have held me back both with myself and in my relationship to others.
It's important to note that this book is meant primarily for couples to read together and mutually benefit. This book is not meant for one person to fix a relationship, and it is absolutely not about excusing abusive behavior in a partner.
Instead, it takes good relationships where the partners are obviously trying and obviously love each other, but struggle on the grounds of effective communication, expression, and have roadblocks that lead to disagreements and conflict. There are several pauses in the book, where it gives an activity to work on to improve the triggers that lead normal couples to continue to argue, disagree or ineffectively communicate. So, it's meant to be read over a decently long period of time, where ideally you and your SO would practice the exercises, and learn healthy mechanisms to not escalate disagreements, and be on the same side.
This book was very respectful to relationships, in that it understands that conflict is not the same as abuse and acknowledges that happy people have bad moments. That said, if you are in an abusive relationship, this book will not help you. It is meant as a growth exercise, and does not condone one person putting in all the work.
On inclusion: It was not inclusive of multiple genders and all the couples in the examples were cisgender straight couples (as most books are).
It's full of helpful guidelines for a couple who want to overcome conflict and be the best versions of themselves and learn how to be on each other's side and validate each other's human experience.
Very worth the read if you connect with the summary of the book.
I picked up this particular book to try and overcome my own issues and traumas that I feel have held me back both with myself and in my relationship to others.
It's important to note that this book is meant primarily for couples to read together and mutually benefit. This book is not meant for one person to fix a relationship, and it is absolutely not about excusing abusive behavior in a partner.
Instead, it takes good relationships where the partners are obviously trying and obviously love each other, but struggle on the grounds of effective communication, expression, and have roadblocks that lead to disagreements and conflict. There are several pauses in the book, where it gives an activity to work on to improve the triggers that lead normal couples to continue to argue, disagree or ineffectively communicate. So, it's meant to be read over a decently long period of time, where ideally you and your SO would practice the exercises, and learn healthy mechanisms to not escalate disagreements, and be on the same side.
This book was very respectful to relationships, in that it understands that conflict is not the same as abuse and acknowledges that happy people have bad moments. That said, if you are in an abusive relationship, this book will not help you. It is meant as a growth exercise, and does not condone one person putting in all the work.
On inclusion: It was not inclusive of multiple genders and all the couples in the examples were cisgender straight couples (as most books are).
It's full of helpful guidelines for a couple who want to overcome conflict and be the best versions of themselves and learn how to be on each other's side and validate each other's human experience.
Very worth the read if you connect with the summary of the book.
gellyreads's review against another edition
informative
reflective
slow-paced
3.0
Parts of this were helpful, but tbh, this was written in a way that sort of forced me to zone out. So I'm sort of forcing myself to give it a higher rating on good faith that it will help someone who needs it more than I do, as I quickly felt like this didn't apply to me and my relationship.
lucibello's review
challenging
informative
slow-paced
3.5
I'm a marriage and family therapist and this is a common book to be given to couples. I did not enjoy the beginning of it because it was just too simplistic and would maybe even be aloof in the sense that the solution to problems ignored underlying resentments. However, the book improved as you read it, and there were some excellent points made about acceptance versus change, and how to resolve conflict. Overall, I felt like it was a pretty slow read even though it's a small book.
zalzale96's review
4.0
Recommended for therapists wanting to develop genuine validation and communication with their clients. As for couples (the reason this book was written), this book may just be enough to help you move forward, but take the exercises seriously! Reading without practicing won't help much. Recommend that you read together and help each other with exercises.