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3.83 AVERAGE
3.83 AVERAGE
Painful and sometimes sorrowful stories from an ER doctor, but always told with hope, inspiration and life lessons. One of my favorite books this year.
Dr. Harper is a beautiful writer, and her stories really sucked me in. And I suppose I should be a little bit surprised I liked this so much, because I am a hypochondriac and I usually try to avoid medical stuff like it's the plague COVID?? Sometimes in her analyses after the fact, applying the things she learned from her patients to her own life, it came off a little self-righteous, but I still think she did a great job of weaving her own story of her own healing from an abusive childhood through her work in various emergency rooms. 3.5 stars.
TW: infant death, evidence of child abuse, discussions of rape
TW: infant death, evidence of child abuse, discussions of rape
A stunning and vital memoir. I went into this memoir mostly expecting war stories from a Black woman ER doctor, and got so, so much more—Michele Harper also tackles issues of racism, misogyny, the lack of care our veterans receive, relationships and letting go... so much. I loved it and was so moved by so much of this.
Quick anecdotal read. Reminded me of “Maybe You Should Talk to Someone.”
hopeful
inspiring
reflective
relaxing
slow-paced
It was okay.
Dr. Harper comes across as condescending and patronizing at times; there are multiple patient encounters she has (Vicki Honor the vet, the other vet with the 5-year-old son, Mr. Thomas who denies treatment after the police bring him in, etc) that make her out to be the savior. The one who speaks encouraging words that bring a light bulb moment to these poor unenlightened souls. When in reality, she says really basic things that you could probably find on a Pinterest board. And I can't help but imagine each person hearing her and going "yeah, I've already been told that" or "I've already come to that conclusion". Each person, she will tell us, looks brighter, happier, better - like a burden has been lifted from their shoulders! Yay, Dr. Harper saved the day!
When in reality, they probably already knew all the textbook therapy-speak and vague encouragement she just threw at them.
Same with the reader. This book gave me nothing new, didn't teach me anything that I didn't already know or hadn't already learned for myself. It felt like a book that just touts the success and growth she's had, and didn't really leave room for the reader to learn and grow and think through each thing themselves because she's already spelled it out for us (and learned it before we did).
That's my overview of the book. Two specific problems, though: Vicki Honor, and Dr. Harper's relationships.
First, Ms. Honor. Dr. Harper is curious about why Honor seems tense and unhappy, so she asks about it, and that leads to Honor telling the doctor about her trauma. Dr. Harper word-vomits some generic encouragement, and then tells us how good it was for Honor to hear. When in reality, even the response that Dr. Harper (probably made up because how could you remember the words that one patient out of the millions that you've encountered said to you one day long ago) heard sounded more like Ms. Honor was just telling her, yeah I've already come to those conclusions, but thank you for telling her anyway. It is so so awkward to read, because after Harper says those things, Ms. Honor will say "that's why I'm here" and it's so painfully obvious that she's done the work, she's done some of the healing, and is hearing someone else tell her "this is what you should do" when she's already done it.
I've said the same things to people - I'll tell them something I'm stressed about or something I'm struggling with (having already figured out a solution, and usually implemented it already) and they will tell me what I should do (that I've already started doing) and then I have to be like "yeah, that's what I did". I'm only telling you because you asked how I'm doing - I'm not coming to you for advice. That's exactly how Ms. Honor's responses sound like, to me, as someone who has been in that exact same situation.
And Dr. Harper is one of those people who thinks she's bestowing blessings upon those who listen to her words, and it's just awkward to read. She thinks she's helping so much, and yet as the reader you can tell that it's unnecessary, and unhelpful.
Lastly, Ms. Honor tells Dr. Harper that this is the first time she has ever told anyone (ANYONE, remember) the entire story. To me, this makes it worse, because I'm a very private person and don't really share much with people (even with my family) - telling someone something that I've never told anyone is a very vulnerable, incredibly scary thing. I know, because I've done it a few times in the past couple years and it makes you shaky and nervous and sometimes gives you a pit in your stomach, and I doubt Ms. Honor is worried about this, but I always get scared that they're going to tell other people or tell me I'm being dramatic or un-Christian or exaggerating, etc.
What happens later made me disgusted at Dr. Harper. She leaves Ms. Honor and runs into a nurse who jokingly tells her she should have been a therapist. Dr. Harper then informs the reader that you can hear everything that is said in those curtained-off section; the curtain was just there to make the patient feel like s/he had privacy. She tells us this very offhandedly, as if there's nothing surprising about that, and you just need to know in order to understand and appreciate the nurse's joke.
That is horrible.
That she would ask Ms. Honor simply out of curiosity (she admits that there's nothing more she needs from Ms. Honor in order to discharge her, and is even on her way out when she turns back and asks about her story) KNOWING that everyone in the hospital wing can hear and will listen. But because she's curious, she just HAS to find out. And then for Ms. Honor to open up and tell her everything, things she's never told another soul, just makes it even worse. I felt so bad for Ms. Honor, that she got used, in order to satisfy some random person's curiosity. And that she would share something she'd never told anyone else, thinking she was doing so in confidentiality when actually she was sharing with a bunch of people all around her, recounting the abuse and severe trauma she's suffered.
After that I could barely put up with Dr. Harper and the amount of ego she seems to have.
Second, Dr. Harper's relationships. She talks about her divorce as "we had different plans/goals in life, that didn't align, so we decided to part ways as friends" and acts like they would have been so good together and they love each other so much... I genuinely don't understand why they separated and it makes me wonder if more was going on, because she acts like they were best friends and he was amazing and she's sad that they HAD to do this, but they really had to. Why? Why did you HAVE to, when it seems like you could have just worked through it like most couples do? And if you have separate goals, that's great, that means you're individuals with individual tastes, that's normal in every relationship.
One thing she mentions is that they wanted to go to different places, and I get not wanting a long-distance relationship, and maybe you're both so selfish that neither can give up their dream in order to stay married and in a place you didn't want to live in...but that's such a silly reason to get a divorce. That's so much money and time and heartbreak for what. What's the point of "for better or for worse" if you're gonna quit as soon as he shows interest in a city you don't have interest in? Would you divorce if he wants to order Chinese takeout and you were feeling like Mediterranean? Would you divorce if he wants to go on a trip to Russia and you wanted to go to Iceland? Like, at what point do you realize "different opinions doesn't mean we have to get a divorce" - it seemed like a really really silly reason.
Same happens with a different relationship she alludes to. The one with Colin, the cop who has to work through his own issues. I get it, if he has issues, you can't be together. But she writes so glowingly about him and acts like he was her soulmate and just understood her so well. And then she says he changed because he was going through a really hard divorce and it brought out the worst in him and how he has trauma he needs to deal with before they can be together. That is all understandable, and smart - gotta protect yourself first, absolutely.
But when he contacts her after a few years, and shows interest in getting back together after finishing the divorce and growing and working on himself as a person... she isn't interested. She acts like he's her number one, her best friend, the most amazing person, and then is like "but no I don't want to be with you" and doesn't offer a reason for it. The only one she comes up with is towards the end of the book, when she's reflecting on trauma and healing timelines and how each person has their own journey and how it's different for everyone (yes we all know this. She seems to think she's the only one who's arrived at this conclusion and therefore needs to write an entire book) - and that's the reason. His healing journey is on a different timeline than hers, because she's already healed. At one point she says something along the lines of "he needs to find out he's a warrior, I've already become one". Huh?
So you don't want to get back together with the love of your life, because he's just starting his healing journey and you've already finished and figured out all the answers? What kind of dumb reason is that. You admit everyone has their own time, they all have to figure it out on their own, and yet you don't want to be with someone unless they're at the same place you are. That makes no sense, hope you've made peace with being single the rest of your life.
All in all, the book was a waste of my time. Lots of words, not a lot of content. Too much self-aggrandizement, not enough humility, and I walked away with nothing learned. Very disappointing, wouldn't recommend.
Dr. Harper comes across as condescending and patronizing at times; there are multiple patient encounters she has (Vicki Honor the vet, the other vet with the 5-year-old son, Mr. Thomas who denies treatment after the police bring him in, etc) that make her out to be the savior. The one who speaks encouraging words that bring a light bulb moment to these poor unenlightened souls. When in reality, she says really basic things that you could probably find on a Pinterest board. And I can't help but imagine each person hearing her and going "yeah, I've already been told that" or "I've already come to that conclusion". Each person, she will tell us, looks brighter, happier, better - like a burden has been lifted from their shoulders! Yay, Dr. Harper saved the day!
When in reality, they probably already knew all the textbook therapy-speak and vague encouragement she just threw at them.
Same with the reader. This book gave me nothing new, didn't teach me anything that I didn't already know or hadn't already learned for myself. It felt like a book that just touts the success and growth she's had, and didn't really leave room for the reader to learn and grow and think through each thing themselves because she's already spelled it out for us (and learned it before we did).
That's my overview of the book. Two specific problems, though: Vicki Honor, and Dr. Harper's relationships.
First, Ms. Honor. Dr. Harper is curious about why Honor seems tense and unhappy, so she asks about it, and that leads to Honor telling the doctor about her trauma. Dr. Harper word-vomits some generic encouragement, and then tells us how good it was for Honor to hear. When in reality, even the response that Dr. Harper (probably made up because how could you remember the words that one patient out of the millions that you've encountered said to you one day long ago) heard sounded more like Ms. Honor was just telling her, yeah I've already come to those conclusions, but thank you for telling her anyway. It is so so awkward to read, because after Harper says those things, Ms. Honor will say "that's why I'm here" and it's so painfully obvious that she's done the work, she's done some of the healing, and is hearing someone else tell her "this is what you should do" when she's already done it.
I've said the same things to people - I'll tell them something I'm stressed about or something I'm struggling with (having already figured out a solution, and usually implemented it already) and they will tell me what I should do (that I've already started doing) and then I have to be like "yeah, that's what I did". I'm only telling you because you asked how I'm doing - I'm not coming to you for advice. That's exactly how Ms. Honor's responses sound like, to me, as someone who has been in that exact same situation.
And Dr. Harper is one of those people who thinks she's bestowing blessings upon those who listen to her words, and it's just awkward to read. She thinks she's helping so much, and yet as the reader you can tell that it's unnecessary, and unhelpful.
Lastly, Ms. Honor tells Dr. Harper that this is the first time she has ever told anyone (ANYONE, remember) the entire story. To me, this makes it worse, because I'm a very private person and don't really share much with people (even with my family) - telling someone something that I've never told anyone is a very vulnerable, incredibly scary thing. I know, because I've done it a few times in the past couple years and it makes you shaky and nervous and sometimes gives you a pit in your stomach, and I doubt Ms. Honor is worried about this, but I always get scared that they're going to tell other people or tell me I'm being dramatic or un-Christian or exaggerating, etc.
What happens later made me disgusted at Dr. Harper. She leaves Ms. Honor and runs into a nurse who jokingly tells her she should have been a therapist. Dr. Harper then informs the reader that you can hear everything that is said in those curtained-off section; the curtain was just there to make the patient feel like s/he had privacy. She tells us this very offhandedly, as if there's nothing surprising about that, and you just need to know in order to understand and appreciate the nurse's joke.
That is horrible.
That she would ask Ms. Honor simply out of curiosity (she admits that there's nothing more she needs from Ms. Honor in order to discharge her, and is even on her way out when she turns back and asks about her story) KNOWING that everyone in the hospital wing can hear and will listen. But because she's curious, she just HAS to find out. And then for Ms. Honor to open up and tell her everything, things she's never told another soul, just makes it even worse. I felt so bad for Ms. Honor, that she got used, in order to satisfy some random person's curiosity. And that she would share something she'd never told anyone else, thinking she was doing so in confidentiality when actually she was sharing with a bunch of people all around her, recounting the abuse and severe trauma she's suffered.
After that I could barely put up with Dr. Harper and the amount of ego she seems to have.
Second, Dr. Harper's relationships. She talks about her divorce as "we had different plans/goals in life, that didn't align, so we decided to part ways as friends" and acts like they would have been so good together and they love each other so much... I genuinely don't understand why they separated and it makes me wonder if more was going on, because she acts like they were best friends and he was amazing and she's sad that they HAD to do this, but they really had to. Why? Why did you HAVE to, when it seems like you could have just worked through it like most couples do? And if you have separate goals, that's great, that means you're individuals with individual tastes, that's normal in every relationship.
One thing she mentions is that they wanted to go to different places, and I get not wanting a long-distance relationship, and maybe you're both so selfish that neither can give up their dream in order to stay married and in a place you didn't want to live in...but that's such a silly reason to get a divorce. That's so much money and time and heartbreak for what. What's the point of "for better or for worse" if you're gonna quit as soon as he shows interest in a city you don't have interest in? Would you divorce if he wants to order Chinese takeout and you were feeling like Mediterranean? Would you divorce if he wants to go on a trip to Russia and you wanted to go to Iceland? Like, at what point do you realize "different opinions doesn't mean we have to get a divorce" - it seemed like a really really silly reason.
Same happens with a different relationship she alludes to. The one with Colin, the cop who has to work through his own issues. I get it, if he has issues, you can't be together. But she writes so glowingly about him and acts like he was her soulmate and just understood her so well. And then she says he changed because he was going through a really hard divorce and it brought out the worst in him and how he has trauma he needs to deal with before they can be together. That is all understandable, and smart - gotta protect yourself first, absolutely.
But when he contacts her after a few years, and shows interest in getting back together after finishing the divorce and growing and working on himself as a person... she isn't interested. She acts like he's her number one, her best friend, the most amazing person, and then is like "but no I don't want to be with you" and doesn't offer a reason for it. The only one she comes up with is towards the end of the book, when she's reflecting on trauma and healing timelines and how each person has their own journey and how it's different for everyone (yes we all know this. She seems to think she's the only one who's arrived at this conclusion and therefore needs to write an entire book) - and that's the reason. His healing journey is on a different timeline than hers, because she's already healed. At one point she says something along the lines of "he needs to find out he's a warrior, I've already become one". Huh?
So you don't want to get back together with the love of your life, because he's just starting his healing journey and you've already finished and figured out all the answers? What kind of dumb reason is that. You admit everyone has their own time, they all have to figure it out on their own, and yet you don't want to be with someone unless they're at the same place you are. That makes no sense, hope you've made peace with being single the rest of your life.
All in all, the book was a waste of my time. Lots of words, not a lot of content. Too much self-aggrandizement, not enough humility, and I walked away with nothing learned. Very disappointing, wouldn't recommend.
Exquisite. Very well narrated, too. Such an extraordinary look into yet another racist American system, with an inspirational message of change and healing. I highly recommend this memoir!
This was my BOTM selection for July 2020 and I was perfectly pleased with it. I love a good medical memoir and appreciate those that are taking the time to speak about healthcare and not just health management - a philosophy that our churn-and-burn system and dependence on EMRs has destroyed.
I am glad I read this book right after my last read. It was a balm for my soul, coming off of a book that seemed to revere pain & suffering for pain & suffering's sake, and into this book where the author brings tenderness and nuance into her understanding of the way physically and emotionally breaking can change us.
It was more storytelling than reflective on the author's part, which I will say is not what I was expecting. However, I feel that maybe left more space for me as a reader to do the reflecting on my own terms in a way that made sense to me.
A recommended read if you are ever looking to sit with the reality of our collective mortality from a place of inquisitiveness.
It was more storytelling than reflective on the author's part, which I will say is not what I was expecting. However, I feel that maybe left more space for me as a reader to do the reflecting on my own terms in a way that made sense to me.
A recommended read if you are ever looking to sit with the reality of our collective mortality from a place of inquisitiveness.
challenging
dark
emotional
hopeful
informative
inspiring
reflective
fast-paced