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mrsthrift's review
4.0
Giving this book four stars is tough for me. It's a collection of essays about queer parenting. I have a lot of problems with collections of essays, you know, because the quality and perspectives are inconsistent and often contradictory. Anyway, I've talked about this before.
It really, really blew my mind that there were so many essays in this book that were 1. non-gestational lez moms who lost access to their kid/s in a break up. 2. non-gestational lez moms who had to fight horribly for their rights after a break up 3. gestational lez moms justifying why their ex was never going to see the kid/s again. These were fully children conceived in the context of a relationship being separated (permanently) from their non-gestational mother. Rachel Pepper's essay about why she won't let her partner adopt the baby they conceived and raise together - I read this one first (even though it's at the end) because I've read some of Rachel Pepper's other stuff. Anyway, that woman sounded nuts. There was an interview with someone from NCLR saying "Whoa, lesbians, step up & fulfill the promises you make each other when you conceive that baby." It was very clear what the most hotly contested issue is in queer parenting these days. Both "sides" of the story were represented, and I didn't feel that the book sided necessarily in favor of one or the other. I came away with a strong sense that the kids are the ones suffering, and the courts are so biased by homophobia that they are no help.
Oh, there's other stuff too. Trans-racial adoption (DEFINITELY NOT ENOUGH ABOUT THIS!!!!), interracial baby-making, a tiny smattering of donors/surrogates arrangement, alternative families, co-parenting arrangements between fags & dykes, and so on. But nothing even approached the prominence of the lesbian custody battles!
More than half of the essays in this book are excruciating, frustrating, and infuriating to me. I found myself cursing at the authors, putting the book down, walking away, and still erupting hours later with an angry rant to my wife. Some of the essays were mediocre, and I couldn't figure out how the author even got it up enough to write the piece, nevermind get it published. Some of the pieces were wonderful. I wanted to stand up and applaud. I felt like I understood the world a little better through those few and far between lines.
So, if I had so many problems with this stuff, how did I come down with a four star verdict? As I neared the end of the book, I realized that it was incredible to read such variable opinions and experiences from such a niche population as "queer parents." Even if I totally disagreed with some of the crap in this book, it was awesome to read it. We're reaching a point where there are more people than ever before raising kids in gay relationships, and re/considering how we are doing it, the promises we make versus the promises we keep, how our best intentions become our worst nightmares, and how totally, fully, completely society/the legal system is not on our side... well, that's worth thinking about. Queer parenting is an institution old enough to be self-critical, so G-E-T O-N I-T. I'd love to see a new version for 2009 or 2010, with more attention paid to non-lesbiancustodybattle perspectives, more stuff about trans-racial adoption, gay men starting families (maybe dan savage would contribute... haha), donors and surrogates speaking more freely, and so on.
It really, really blew my mind that there were so many essays in this book that were 1. non-gestational lez moms who lost access to their kid/s in a break up. 2. non-gestational lez moms who had to fight horribly for their rights after a break up 3. gestational lez moms justifying why their ex was never going to see the kid/s again. These were fully children conceived in the context of a relationship being separated (permanently) from their non-gestational mother. Rachel Pepper's essay about why she won't let her partner adopt the baby they conceived and raise together - I read this one first (even though it's at the end) because I've read some of Rachel Pepper's other stuff. Anyway, that woman sounded nuts. There was an interview with someone from NCLR saying "Whoa, lesbians, step up & fulfill the promises you make each other when you conceive that baby." It was very clear what the most hotly contested issue is in queer parenting these days. Both "sides" of the story were represented, and I didn't feel that the book sided necessarily in favor of one or the other. I came away with a strong sense that the kids are the ones suffering, and the courts are so biased by homophobia that they are no help.
Oh, there's other stuff too. Trans-racial adoption (DEFINITELY NOT ENOUGH ABOUT THIS!!!!), interracial baby-making, a tiny smattering of donors/surrogates arrangement, alternative families, co-parenting arrangements between fags & dykes, and so on. But nothing even approached the prominence of the lesbian custody battles!
More than half of the essays in this book are excruciating, frustrating, and infuriating to me. I found myself cursing at the authors, putting the book down, walking away, and still erupting hours later with an angry rant to my wife. Some of the essays were mediocre, and I couldn't figure out how the author even got it up enough to write the piece, nevermind get it published. Some of the pieces were wonderful. I wanted to stand up and applaud. I felt like I understood the world a little better through those few and far between lines.
So, if I had so many problems with this stuff, how did I come down with a four star verdict? As I neared the end of the book, I realized that it was incredible to read such variable opinions and experiences from such a niche population as "queer parents." Even if I totally disagreed with some of the crap in this book, it was awesome to read it. We're reaching a point where there are more people than ever before raising kids in gay relationships, and re/considering how we are doing it, the promises we make versus the promises we keep, how our best intentions become our worst nightmares, and how totally, fully, completely society/the legal system is not on our side... well, that's worth thinking about. Queer parenting is an institution old enough to be self-critical, so G-E-T O-N I-T. I'd love to see a new version for 2009 or 2010, with more attention paid to non-lesbiancustodybattle perspectives, more stuff about trans-racial adoption, gay men starting families (maybe dan savage would contribute... haha), donors and surrogates speaking more freely, and so on.
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