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92 reviews for:
The Man They Wanted Me to Be: Toxic Masculinity and a Crisis of Our Own Making
Jared Yates Sexton
4.23 AVERAGE
92 reviews for:
The Man They Wanted Me to Be: Toxic Masculinity and a Crisis of Our Own Making
Jared Yates Sexton
4.23 AVERAGE
What I love about this book compared to other toxic masculinity books is its profound impact by following one person and the generational effects of masculinity—ebbing between wanting to escape, but quickly falling into the comfort of the patriarchal system—rather than a book about research. However, when research is presented, it works. Yates Sexton provides fascinating statistics and anecdotes, dating all the way back to the Industrial Revolution, that allow this story to strike a nerve and become real for all readers—even the naysayers.
Most fascinating is the third part of the book where we see descriptions of how toxic masculinity led to Trumpism, why it wasn’t a surprise, and a glimmer of hope for the future.
Most fascinating is the third part of the book where we see descriptions of how toxic masculinity led to Trumpism, why it wasn’t a surprise, and a glimmer of hope for the future.
informative
reflective
medium-paced
I had to read this book for one of my college courses but it genuinely reignited my love for memoirs. Jared Yates Sexton is well-spoken and his writing seamlessly combines his own personal life and childhood with facts and social/psychological commentary. Whether your views align with his or not, I believe at the very least it readers something to think about. A must read.
Content Warnings
Moderate: Alcoholism, Child abuse
Even before I had finished Jared Yates Sexton's "The People Are Going to Rise Like the Waters Upon Your Shore", I started looking for, found and bought his latest book, "The Man They Wanted Me to Be: Toxic Masculinity and a Crisis of Our Own Making." And then picked it up & started reading it as soon as I finished "The People Are Going to Rise."
"The Man They Wanted Me to Be" is part memoir, part cultural/sociological study, and part sequel/companion volume to "The People Are Going to Rise". (Sexton refers to some of the same events & observations he made in that earlier book here.) Sexton believes that the "dark heart" of the rage he witnessed during the 2016 election campaign and beyond is primarily expressed by privileged white males, personified by Donald Trump.
Sexton takes a long, hard look at the issue of toxic masculinity through the lens of his own life story. He grew up amid poverty and domestic violence in Indiana, raised by a single mother. His father lived nearby but was mostly absent in his life until he was a teenager; he had a succession of three stepfathers who abused him as well as his mother. He struggled to live up to his family's and community's expectations of what a boy/man should be. I've read a bit about toxic masculinity in the past, but most often in the context of how it affects women. It was intriguing to read a well-written, thoughtful take on the subject by a male author who has lived with it, been profoundly affected by it, and recognizes it.
Sexton's story -- the abuse he endured as a child, his self-destructive behaviour as a teenager & young adult, and his near-suicide -- is hard to read at times. His hospital visit with his dying father, who gave him his blessing to take a job in far-off Georgia, had me in tears. I was happy to see that, near the end, he offers some thoughts on how change can be facilitated. He admits to being both annoyed and puzzled by his millennial students (he's only 37 himself!), but he recognizes that they are far more flexible when it comes to gender issues than previous generations. In them, he sees hope for a better future.
This is an important and impressive book. It deserves to be read & discussed widely -- especially by men (although we know, sadly, most of them probably won't pick it up...!)(I would love to be proved wrong on this point!).
"The Man They Wanted Me to Be" is part memoir, part cultural/sociological study, and part sequel/companion volume to "The People Are Going to Rise". (Sexton refers to some of the same events & observations he made in that earlier book here.) Sexton believes that the "dark heart" of the rage he witnessed during the 2016 election campaign and beyond is primarily expressed by privileged white males, personified by Donald Trump.
Sexton takes a long, hard look at the issue of toxic masculinity through the lens of his own life story. He grew up amid poverty and domestic violence in Indiana, raised by a single mother. His father lived nearby but was mostly absent in his life until he was a teenager; he had a succession of three stepfathers who abused him as well as his mother. He struggled to live up to his family's and community's expectations of what a boy/man should be. I've read a bit about toxic masculinity in the past, but most often in the context of how it affects women. It was intriguing to read a well-written, thoughtful take on the subject by a male author who has lived with it, been profoundly affected by it, and recognizes it.
Sexton's story -- the abuse he endured as a child, his self-destructive behaviour as a teenager & young adult, and his near-suicide -- is hard to read at times. His hospital visit with his dying father, who gave him his blessing to take a job in far-off Georgia, had me in tears. I was happy to see that, near the end, he offers some thoughts on how change can be facilitated. He admits to being both annoyed and puzzled by his millennial students (he's only 37 himself!), but he recognizes that they are far more flexible when it comes to gender issues than previous generations. In them, he sees hope for a better future.
This is an important and impressive book. It deserves to be read & discussed widely -- especially by men (although we know, sadly, most of them probably won't pick it up...!)(I would love to be proved wrong on this point!).
A beautiful mix of memoir and political journalism. Highly recommend, for the ideas and the pulling at the heartstrings The connections feel a bit forced or rushed at times, but each throughline has an impact in the end.
challenging
dark
informative
inspiring
reflective
tense
medium-paced
Jared Yates Sexton is an author I had not heard of until my partner decided to attend a literary festival. She managed to get a signed copy of the book from him for me without me having any idea. I was a little surprised but she and I had talked about toxic masculinity a lot already as it's something I have always been aware of but have only recently been able to begin describing and clearly identifying it.
J.Y.S. tells a very difficult yet poignant story - his story - growing up in the Bible Belt of the United States and having to deal with the male figures in his life being more hurtful and helpful. However, he also points out that they have been hurting themselves as well, as their fathers have before them and theirs before them as well. He does not excuse the behavior, but he explains it. He pulls back the cover of toxic masculinity and explores the masculine culture in America, and how male (often white, but not always) insecurity plays a big part in the unrest that had existed in America since its inception.
Now, most of the things you read may not be entirely new to you. He's not really trying to propose any really big or revolutionary theories. However, this is one of those topics that you don't really process or recognize fully until someone like Sexton comes by and describes it to you in excruciating detail. Then you begin to more clearly recognize it in your day-to-day life. And maybe you'll even feel more confident in calling it out. I think that's all Sexton is really asking for with his book.
Highly recommend.
J.Y.S. tells a very difficult yet poignant story - his story - growing up in the Bible Belt of the United States and having to deal with the male figures in his life being more hurtful and helpful. However, he also points out that they have been hurting themselves as well, as their fathers have before them and theirs before them as well. He does not excuse the behavior, but he explains it. He pulls back the cover of toxic masculinity and explores the masculine culture in America, and how male (often white, but not always) insecurity plays a big part in the unrest that had existed in America since its inception.
Now, most of the things you read may not be entirely new to you. He's not really trying to propose any really big or revolutionary theories. However, this is one of those topics that you don't really process or recognize fully until someone like Sexton comes by and describes it to you in excruciating detail. Then you begin to more clearly recognize it in your day-to-day life. And maybe you'll even feel more confident in calling it out. I think that's all Sexton is really asking for with his book.
Highly recommend.
Content Warnings
Moderate: Addiction, Alcoholism, Child abuse, Domestic abuse, Emotional abuse
This book was a good mix of data driven nonfiction and memoir. Using research to explain his own life (or the other way around?) Good discussion on toxic masculinity, drug abuse, physical and emotional abuse, cycles of abuse, privilege, and the political landscape today. I usually don't like to think, read, or hear about Trump, but this book was okay with me. I think the way he wrote it helped that in some way.
My only minor gripe is that he uses the word homosexual a lot? Like just say gay. Not homophobic but just weird.
My only minor gripe is that he uses the word homosexual a lot? Like just say gay. Not homophobic but just weird.
Probably the most important and personally impactful book I've read this year, along with David Wallace-Wells' Uninhabitable Earth. I belong to an identity that has caused an almost unfathomable amount of harm in my lifetime and before, and I like to think I'm beyond or above it, but Sexton makes a great case that none of us are. It's baked into us culturally from birth and only mindful vigilance ever holds it back. I recommend this book to everyone I know, but especially the men. It's on us to do better, act better, vote better, be better.
informative
reflective
fast-paced
More memoir than I expected, but even so, I thought Sexton did a great job of using his own life and experiences to frame his in-depth discussion of toxic masculinity.