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3.36 AVERAGE
3.36 AVERAGE
If ever there were a book that just needed to be a TED talk instead... Oy vey!
It's not that the overall message of this book was bad. In fact, the message was pretty good (and, conveniently for me, came at a time that I was very receptive to hearing it): choose life partners based on deep qualities that matter for a relationship (honesty, kindness, alignment of goals and values and the type of life you want to have), not based on a laundry list of things that you think would be nice to have but actually don't matter (looks, height, how they dress). Romance is actually about the day to day things you do to support a partner, not about butterflies in your stomach; "Marriage isn't a constant passion-fest; it's more like a partnership formed to run a very small, mundane nonprofit business" (p. 227). Oh, and it gets much harder to find a spouse as you get older, especially if you're a woman (for both cultural and demographic reasons).
The thing is that there are many other sources that deliver the same message better -- in fewer words, mostly; also with less sexism. To be fair to the author, maybe that wasn't the case when the book was published in 2010.
I frequently feel that nonfiction could be shaved down a fair bit; in this case, the book could be a third of its current length and it would be better. I learned essentially nothing in pages 100-250 that I hadn't learned in pages 1-100. Make your damn point and move on!
Plus, we do a lot of blaming women about being too picky. Perhaps (straight, monogamous) women are indeed pickier, to their detriment, than (straight, monogamous) men are... but it feels dated and unnecessarily icky to constantly center the conversation around how women, specifically, have got it all wrong.
For those reasons, I would not recommend this book to another reader, but if you want some very similar content for a fraction of the time, I would recommend, in order:
- The Price of Admission with Dan Savage (this covers about 80% of the book's content in a 5-minute video)
- Why You Will Marry the Wrong Person by Alain de Botton (an excellent complement to Dan Savage)
- The Wedding Toast I'll Never Give by Ada Calhoun (which is more about what comes after the wedding rather than before)
There, I saved you several hours of your life that you might have spent reading this book. You're welcome!
It's not that the overall message of this book was bad. In fact, the message was pretty good (and, conveniently for me, came at a time that I was very receptive to hearing it): choose life partners based on deep qualities that matter for a relationship (honesty, kindness, alignment of goals and values and the type of life you want to have), not based on a laundry list of things that you think would be nice to have but actually don't matter (looks, height, how they dress). Romance is actually about the day to day things you do to support a partner, not about butterflies in your stomach; "Marriage isn't a constant passion-fest; it's more like a partnership formed to run a very small, mundane nonprofit business" (p. 227). Oh, and it gets much harder to find a spouse as you get older, especially if you're a woman (for both cultural and demographic reasons).
The thing is that there are many other sources that deliver the same message better -- in fewer words, mostly; also with less sexism. To be fair to the author, maybe that wasn't the case when the book was published in 2010.
I frequently feel that nonfiction could be shaved down a fair bit; in this case, the book could be a third of its current length and it would be better. I learned essentially nothing in pages 100-250 that I hadn't learned in pages 1-100. Make your damn point and move on!
Plus, we do a lot of blaming women about being too picky. Perhaps (straight, monogamous) women are indeed pickier, to their detriment, than (straight, monogamous) men are... but it feels dated and unnecessarily icky to constantly center the conversation around how women, specifically, have got it all wrong.
For those reasons, I would not recommend this book to another reader, but if you want some very similar content for a fraction of the time, I would recommend, in order:
- The Price of Admission with Dan Savage (this covers about 80% of the book's content in a 5-minute video)
- Why You Will Marry the Wrong Person by Alain de Botton (an excellent complement to Dan Savage)
- The Wedding Toast I'll Never Give by Ada Calhoun (which is more about what comes after the wedding rather than before)
There, I saved you several hours of your life that you might have spent reading this book. You're welcome!
reflective
fast-paced
Most, if not all, self-help/relationship type books I read are recommendations from podcasts. Just feels weird sharing that I’m reading ones with such bold titles lol. Anyways. The main message of the book is good — focusing more on long-term compatibility and less about “the list.” I just think Lori could have done it with a tad fewer misogynistic comments.
Absolutely LOVED this book & will recommend it to every single, dating, & married woman in my life
emotional
reflective
slow-paced
Despite the cringey title there’s some interesting research in here on relationships, choice anxiety, and the importance of the stories we tell ourselves. Gottlieb is a strong writer and her tone is similar to how she writes in The Atlantic, which I have long enjoyed.
Not the kind of book I would normally read, but I'm glad I did.
Smart, eye-opening book about the reality of relationships, and realizing what's important in life.
Smart, eye-opening book about the reality of relationships, and realizing what's important in life.
Bad advice. Bad morals. Feels like she’s living her life as a Seinfeld episode and is completely out of touch with humanity.
Read through the first quarter and DNF. Do not recommend as any touchpoint on what actual relationships are like.
Read through the first quarter and DNF. Do not recommend as any touchpoint on what actual relationships are like.
Yeah, all the other reviews are right. I think this is my lowest rated book ever? DNF at around 70%, which is really saying something because I typically always push through and finish something even if I’m disinterested. I read and enjoyed Maybe You Should Talk to Someone prior to this and was shocked at the difference between the two.
All the other reviews on this book make it clear but god— this is so depressing, poorly researched, and anti-feminist. I honestly stopped reading because I figured it’s actively harming my mental health and reinforcing my internalized cognitive distortions resulting from how women are socialized. My very feminist therapist would have a field day with this book.
It gets 2 stars over 1 because it did help me to have more gratitude for my relationship, but that in no way makes this book worth reading.
All the other reviews on this book make it clear but god— this is so depressing, poorly researched, and anti-feminist. I honestly stopped reading because I figured it’s actively harming my mental health and reinforcing my internalized cognitive distortions resulting from how women are socialized. My very feminist therapist would have a field day with this book.
It gets 2 stars over 1 because it did help me to have more gratitude for my relationship, but that in no way makes this book worth reading.
Loved the idea of this book. Women being more opened minded when dating and not letting every little flaw cause a second date not to happen. Move past it and make sure the man has your 3 nonnegotiable qualities. It takes time getting to know someone and it is important to feel out a personallity before we conclude that we don’t like someone just because they may eat their food a bit differently. Gave it a three because it seemed a bit repetitive in a lot of places but still good information.