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59 reviews for:
In Sheep's Clothing: Understanding and Dealing with Manipulative People
George K. Simon
3.71 AVERAGE
59 reviews for:
In Sheep's Clothing: Understanding and Dealing with Manipulative People
George K. Simon
3.71 AVERAGE
If you've got manipulative people in your life, you just want them to stop. But asking them to cut the crap won't work because they like the way they are, and they will deny the effects of what they are doing. Invalidating your feelings, after all, is one of the foundations of their manipulation. They are very careful of their image and will also go on a charm offensive doing damage control among mutual acquaintances after they do something they know upsets you. Wish I had read this book before I finally blew up at one of the biggest manipulators in my life, who never learned more emotionally mature ways to ask for what she wants.
This book claims to add to traditional Freudian psychology (I say claims only because I have to take his word for it since I am not versed in psychology) the idea that not all people are neurotic and it's very important--crucial to your success in dealing with them even--to recognize that rather than being driven by fears and defenses, some people just fight too much, when it's not even necessary. This seems to be the main use of the words manipulation and aggression in this book.
At least two people in my family of origin are covertly very aggressive; I've even had someone else close to me describe one of them as "wildly manipulative" (manipulation is a form of covert aggression). One has had jobs where channeled aggression serves them, but my experience of them is that the aggression doesn't just stay at work. So, growing up in such an environment, like a fish who doesn't know what water is, it took me a long time to understand terms like passive aggressive and covert aggressive. Realizing its prevalence in my family has made me look into ways I might have absorbed or inherited aggressiveness. Simon writes that all humans are to some degree aggressive since the ones who could fight for their needs survived. But we can make a commitment to deal with others in assertive rather than aggressive ways. This book can help with that.
This book can help you recognize strategies of covert aggression and respond to them non-aggressively to create win-win scenarios, which are a tolerable second-best for the aggressor. Never try to make an aggressor lose or they will do their best to see that you lose, too. One tactic that seems to be missing was named by Preston Ni (in a pdf purchased on his website about "Calling Passive Aggressives to their Higher Self") as invalidation of feelings, in which the aggressor discounts, minimizes, ignores, belittles or negatively judges their target's feelings. Simon does mention selective inattention, which could cover ignoring feelings. He uses the word minimize, differently, to describe how the covert aggressive tries to justify their own actions to make you think it's not as bad as your intuition tells you it is.
The author says it's generally not possible to incite change in a chronically aggressive or manipulative person because they are typically happy with how they are despite what it might cost them (and that would be submitting to someone else's advice, or "losing"--anathema to someone whose main goal in every interaction/endeavor is to win). But if we can recognize the aggression in the moment when it is happening--the only effective time for intervention--we can respond in ways that preserve both our own boundaries and the aggressor's "face" (since image is of utmost importance to covert aggressives--otherwise, why be covert?).
It seems to me this book helps with what we are on Earth to do; overcome the dysfunctions of the Protective Personality and learn to live from a more Soulful perspective.
This book claims to add to traditional Freudian psychology (I say claims only because I have to take his word for it since I am not versed in psychology) the idea that not all people are neurotic and it's very important--crucial to your success in dealing with them even--to recognize that rather than being driven by fears and defenses, some people just fight too much, when it's not even necessary. This seems to be the main use of the words manipulation and aggression in this book.
At least two people in my family of origin are covertly very aggressive; I've even had someone else close to me describe one of them as "wildly manipulative" (manipulation is a form of covert aggression). One has had jobs where channeled aggression serves them, but my experience of them is that the aggression doesn't just stay at work. So, growing up in such an environment, like a fish who doesn't know what water is, it took me a long time to understand terms like passive aggressive and covert aggressive. Realizing its prevalence in my family has made me look into ways I might have absorbed or inherited aggressiveness. Simon writes that all humans are to some degree aggressive since the ones who could fight for their needs survived. But we can make a commitment to deal with others in assertive rather than aggressive ways. This book can help with that.
This book can help you recognize strategies of covert aggression and respond to them non-aggressively to create win-win scenarios, which are a tolerable second-best for the aggressor. Never try to make an aggressor lose or they will do their best to see that you lose, too. One tactic that seems to be missing was named by Preston Ni (in a pdf purchased on his website about "Calling Passive Aggressives to their Higher Self") as invalidation of feelings, in which the aggressor discounts, minimizes, ignores, belittles or negatively judges their target's feelings. Simon does mention selective inattention, which could cover ignoring feelings. He uses the word minimize, differently, to describe how the covert aggressive tries to justify their own actions to make you think it's not as bad as your intuition tells you it is.
The author says it's generally not possible to incite change in a chronically aggressive or manipulative person because they are typically happy with how they are despite what it might cost them (and that would be submitting to someone else's advice, or "losing"--anathema to someone whose main goal in every interaction/endeavor is to win). But if we can recognize the aggression in the moment when it is happening--the only effective time for intervention--we can respond in ways that preserve both our own boundaries and the aggressor's "face" (since image is of utmost importance to covert aggressives--otherwise, why be covert?).
It seems to me this book helps with what we are on Earth to do; overcome the dysfunctions of the Protective Personality and learn to live from a more Soulful perspective.
I don't really know how to rate this.
I think in general this book didn't teach me any more than a listicle on the subject could. To be fair, it's from the mid 90s. Also to be fair, it did kind of hit me "hey Amanda, you should learn how to set boundaries" while reading, even though I've been told this dozens of times before. I'm not sure what about the book did the trick.
I also really disliked the epilogue, I believe it was. Not only does it feel off topic, it also reads to me as thinly veiled racism, and classism maybe? I'm not sure how to pinpoint it.
I think in general this book didn't teach me any more than a listicle on the subject could. To be fair, it's from the mid 90s. Also to be fair, it did kind of hit me "hey Amanda, you should learn how to set boundaries" while reading, even though I've been told this dozens of times before. I'm not sure what about the book did the trick.
I also really disliked the epilogue, I believe it was. Not only does it feel off topic, it also reads to me as thinly veiled racism, and classism maybe? I'm not sure how to pinpoint it.
Read this one too. Everyone needs to know how to recognize covert aggressors and protect themselves. This explains why if you’re not a “win at any cost” or are a “type b” personality, we get taken advantage of constantly.
informative
reflective
slow-paced
informative
fast-paced
I thoroughly enjoyed this book (audio format). As I listened to this book, I found myself identifying people who I know who fit the descriptions of what manipulative people do. The book offered an outline of the things that one should do to deal with manipulative people. I heartily recommend that you pick this book up. Don't wait until a manipulative person disrupts your life. Read the book now, know the signs and know how to deal with them before you need to know.
QUOTES:
‘Covert-aggressives can be deceptively civil, charming and seductive. They know how to "look good" and how to win you over by "melting" your resistance. They know what to say and do to get you to abandon any intuitive mistrust and give them what they want.’ (21)
‘Justice passive and covert-aggression are very different behaviors, passive-aggressive and covert-aggressive personalities are very different from one another. Millon describes passive-aggressive or "negativistic" personality as one who is actively ambivalent about whether to adopt a primarily independent or dependent style of coping. These individuals want to take charge of their own life, but fear they lack the resources to do so effectively. Their ambivalence about whether to primarily fend for themselves or lean on others puts them and those in relationships with them in a real bind. They chronically crave and solicit support and nurturance from others. But because they also resent being in positions of dependence and submission, they often try to gain some sense of personal power by resisting cooperation but the very people from whom they solicit support.’ (23)
‘Most covert-aggressive personalities are not sociopaths. Because they have a disregard for the rights and needs of others, have very impaired consciences, actively strive to gain advantage over others, and will try to get away with just about anything short of blatant crime or overt aggression, it’s tempting to label them antisocial. Indeed, some sociopaths use manipulation as part of their overall modus operandi. Manipulators don’t generally violate major social norms, lead lives of crime, or violently aggress against others, although they are capable of these things.’ (25)
‘It’s important to recognize that for the most part, manipulation involves covert-aggression and habitual manipulators are covert-aggressive personalities.’ (25)
‘regardless of whether nature or nurture is the stronger influence, somehow in their childhood development, most covert-aggressive personalities seem to have overlearned some, and failed to learn other essential lessons about managing their aggression. Judging from the histories with which I am familiar, covertly aggressive personalities typically exhibit the following learning failures:
1. They never learned when fighting is really necessary and just. To them, daily living is a battle and anything that stands in the way of something they want is the "enemy." Obsessed with " winning," they're far too willing and too ready to fight.
2. They never allowed themselves to learn that "winning" in the long-run is often characterized by a willingness to give-in or submit in the short-run. They failed to recognize when it's best to give way or give ground. Their total aversion to submission prevents them from making the little concessions that often lead to later " victory."
3. They never learned how to fight constructively or fairly. Sometimes, that's because they mistrusted their ability to win a fair fight. Sometimes, it's because they were never really to run the risk of losing. Sometimes, it's just because they found covert fighting to be so effective. Whatever the case, somehow they overlearned how to " win" (at least, in the short-run) by fighting underhandedly and surreptitiously.
4. Because they detest submission, they never allowed themselves to learn the potentially constructive benefits of admitting defeat. I think this dynamic is at the heart of the apparent failure of all aggressive (and character- disordered) personalities to learn what we want them to learn from past experience. Truly learning (i.e. internalizing) a lesson in life always involves submitting oneself to a higher authority, power, or moral principle. The reason aggressive personalities don't change is because they don't submit.
5. They never learn to get beyond their childish selfishness and self- centeredness. They fail to realize that they're not necessarily entitled to go after something just because they want it. To them, the entire world is their oyster. Having become skilled at getting their way through manipulation, they come to think of themselves as invincible. This further inflates their already grandiose self- image.
6. They never learned genuine respect or empathy for the vulnerabilities of others. To them, everyone else's weakness is simply their advantage. Having only disdain for weakness, especially emotional weakness, they overlearned how to find and push their victims emotional "buttons."’ (26-7)
‘It's easy to fall victim did the covert-aggressive's ploys. Anyone wanting to avoid victimization will need to: [...]
3. Become aware of the fears and insecurities most of us possess that increase our vulnerability to the covert-aggressive's ploys. Knowing your own weaknesses can be your foremost strength in dealing more effectively with a manipulator.’ (28-9)
‘The bottom line is that Joe always wants his way and doesn't know when to stop-when do you concede-when to listen to someone else. He's the kind of guy who will stop at nothing to get what he wants. Sometimes, that's good. To be a " winner" in life, a little such determination is necessary. But when Joe is aggressing at the wrong time and in the wrong arena, and especially when he purports to be doing anything but aggressing, his behavior can be extremely destructive./ Joe is also vain. He sees his family as a reflection of himself. In his mind, it's Lisa's duty to present a favorable image to others so that others will be impressed with him. Joe is wrapped-up in himself. Despite protestations to the contrary, he is insensitive to the wants and needs of others. As self-absorbed as he is, it's not really possible for him to have much empathy for his daughter. But Joe's vanity isn't the direct cause of Liza's and Mary's pain. His readiness to show his will down everyone else's throats, always under the guise of care and concern (he's covert- aggression), is the major cause of problems.’ (34)
‘The Unbridled Quest for Power/ Other than winning, nothing is more important to any aggressive personality than gaining power and achieving a position of dominance over others. Now, we all want some sense of power in our lives. That's not unhealthy. But how ambitiously we pursue it, how we go about preserving it, and how we use it when we have it says a lot about the kind of person we are. Covert-aggressives ruthlessly ambitious people but they're careful not to be perceived that way.’ (37)
‘A person of sound character has learned to balance self-interest with the interests and needs of others. James has learned no such thing. Despite claiming to be " ministering" to the needs of all the faithful, he habitually neglected the needs of his own family. Serving the needs of others is really the furthest thing from his mind. Serving his own ambition is James's true agenda.’ (39)
‘Although it's said that power corrupts, James is living proof that power itself doesn't have the ability to corrupt a person's character. It's the already present flaw in James's character that leads him to unscrupulously pursue power in the first place and abuse it once he has it. [...] But these individuals's unbridled pursuit and unscrupulous use of power are the hallmarks of their already severely disordered characters. They were power-hungry manipulators from the start’ (40)
‘Dealing with covert- aggressive personalities is like getting whiplash. Often, you really don't know what's hit you until long after the damage is done. If you've been involved in some way with one of these smooth operators you know how charming and disarming they can be. They are the masters of deception and seduction. They'll show you what you want to see and tell you what you want to hear.’ (43)
‘What You Don't Know Can Hurt You/ Jack got manipulated out of a job largely because he was so naive about territoriality in the competitive work-place and have aggressive personalities protect their turf.’ (50-1)
‘Predatory aggression is very difficult. It's not an instantaneous reaction, it's a planned and deliberate initiative. It's also not primarily prompted by fear, but rather fueled by desire. The mode of behavior is different, too. When the cat is on the prowl, it keeps low to the ground, hair undisturbed, is quiet and careful. It remains as calm and collected as possible as it prepares to pounce on its prey. The intended victim never sees what's coming. If it does, it's usually after it's too late.’ (52)
‘Getting Away with Murder/ Covert-aggressives exploit situations in which they are well aware of the vulnerability of their prey. They are often very selective about the kind of people with whom they will associate or work. They are particularly adept at finding and keeping others in a one-down position. They relish being in positions of power over others.’ (57)
‘Covert- aggressives use a variety of ploys to keep their partner in a subordinate position in relationships.’ (59)
‘It's my experience (and the experience of a growing number of professionals) that people with aggressive personality disorders do poorly in treatments that view or treat them dependent in any way. […] To admit that they are in anyway powerless challenges their deepest convictions. That they should submit their wills and the conduct of their lives to a higher power is truly aversive.’ (65-6)
‘[…] aggressive personality simply hates to lose. Losing means giving up a position of dominance and power. […] In any abusive relationship, the other person is never the real object of the aggressor's desire, the position is.’ (67)
‘It's important to make a distinction between the concepts of self-esteem and self-respect. Self-esteem is the estimate we make of our self worth based on an intuitive assessment of our innate talents, abilities and the success we’ve had at getting what we want in life. Individuals who know what they have going on for themselves and are confident about their ability to get what they want can overly esteem themselves while never developing any legitimate self-respect. […] To put it more simply, our sense of self-esteem derives from what we know we have, while our sense of self-respect derive from what we do with what we've been given.’ (74)
‘Parents frequently fail to stroke their children for the one thing for which they can truly claim sole credit. That is, their willingness to work. "Sweat" alone is worthy of praise and it's appreciation is essential to a healthy sense of self-respect. This is so important to remember. It's not what people are given that we should praise, or what they managed to secure, but what they do with their talents and abilities and how hard they work to make an honest, responsible contribution to society.’ (75)
‘Actively listening to and heeding the suggestions of someone else are, among other things, act of submission.’ (82)
‘If the aggressor can convince you they're justified in whatever they're doing, then their freer to pursue their goals without interference.’ (84)
‘Whenever someone is not responding directly to an issue, you can safely assume that for some reason, they're trying to give you the slip.’ (85)
‘[…] aggressive personalities of all types will generally stop at nothing to get what they want, you can expect them to lie and cheat.’ (86)
‘Aggressors frequently threaten the victims to keep them anxious, apprehensive and in the one-down position. Covert-aggressives intimidate their victims by making veiled (subtle, indirect or implied) threads.’ (86)
‘One thing that aggressive personalities know well is that other types of persons have very different consciences then they do. Manipulators are often skilled at using what they know to be the greater conscientiousness of their victims as a means of keeping them in the self-doubting, anxious, and submissive position. The more conscientious the potential victim, the more effective guilt is as a weapon.’ (87)
‘Anyone wanting to avoid being victimized by covert-aggression must redefine the terms of engagement with a would-be manipulator. To do this effectively, one must: 1. be free of any harmful misconceptions about human nature and behavior, 2. know how to correctly assess the character of others, 3. heighten self-awareness, paying special attention to aspect of one's own character that increase vulnerability to manipulation, 4. correctly recognize and label the tactics of manipulation and respond to them appropriately, 5. avoid fighting losing battles, and 6. know how to maintain a position of power and strength in interpersonal relationships.’ (93)
‘Put Your Energy Where the Power Is/As previously mentioned, because no one has the power to change the behavior of another, investing time and energy trying to get someone else to change is fighting a losing battle. Making headway in conflicts with aggressive and covertly aggressive personalities (or, for that matter, any personality) can only happen when we’re willing to invest our time and energy where we have unquestionable power–our own behavior.’ (98)
‘Accept no excuses. Don't buy into any of the many reasons (rationalizations) someone may offer for aggressive or covertly aggressive behavior. If someone's behavior is inappropriate, the rationale they offer is irrelevant. The ends never justify the means. So, no matter how much an “explanation” for an inappropriate behavior seems to make sense, don't accept it. Always remember that the person offering an excuse is trying to maintain a position from which they should be backing away. From the very moment they start " explaining," they are resisting submitting to you and fighting to bring you to submission.’ (99)
‘Judge actions, not intentions. Never try to "mind-read" or second-guess why somebody is doing something, especially when they're doing something inappropriate. There's no way for you to really know, and in the end, it's irrelevant. Getting caught up in what might be going on in an aggressor's mind is a good way to get sidetracked from the really pertinent issue. Judge the behavior itself. If what a person does is harmful in some way, pay attention to and deal with that issue.’ (100)
‘Be honest with yourself. Know and "own" your own agendas. Be sure of what your real needs and desires in any situation are. It's bad enough that you can never be sure what a manipulator up to. But deceiving yourself about your own wants and needs can put you in double jeopardy.’ (101)
‘Making requests specific has to payoffs. First, it gives a manipulator little room to distort what it is you want or expect from them. Second, if you don't get a direct, reasonable response to a direct, reasonable request, you already know that the manipulator is fighting with you, plans not to cooperate, or is looking for some way to thwart [oppose successfully] you. This gives you valuable information for planning your next move./Request direct responses. Whenever you don't get a clear, direct, to-the-point answer, ask again. Don't do this in a hostile or threatening way, but respectfully assert the issue you raised is important and deserves to be forthrightly addressed.’ (103)
‘When confronting aggressive behavior, keep the weight of responsibility on the aggressor. If you're confronting an aggressor about some inappropriate behavior, keep the focus on whatever they did to injure, no matter what diversionary tactics they might use to keep you off base. Ask what they will do to correct their behavior. Despite what kind of curves they'll try and throw you, or what rationalizations they might come up with, don't let them sidestep the issue. Don't accept their attempts to shift blame or responsibility. If they don't respond directly to the issue you raise, don't hesitate to address it again. This needs to be done without subtle shaming, hostility, or provocation on your part. Just keep the focus on the behavior the aggressor needs to change.’ (104)
‘When you confront, avoid sarcasm, hostility, and put-downs. Aggressive personalities are always looking for an excuse to go to war. So, they will perceive any "attack" on their self-image as precisely the justification they need.’ (104)
‘Speak for yourself. Use "I" statements and don't portend to speak for anyone else. Besides, using others as a "shield" broadcasts your insecurity. Deal with your "opponent" on a one-to-one basis. Have the courage to stand up for what you want openly and directly.’ (105)
‘Stay in the here and now. Focus on the issues at hand. Don't bring up past issues or speculate about the future. Don't let the diversionary tactics of the aggressor steer you away from what the aggressor is doing at the moment that is wrong.’ (106)
‘When you bargain with any aggressive personality, try to propose many win-win scenarios as you can. Doing this is extremely important and requires creativity and a particulate mind set.’ (107)
‘Take action quickly. A train without brakes rolling down a mountainside is easiest to stop when it just begins to roll. Aggressive personalities of all types lack internal "brakes." Once they're in hot pursuit of their goals, it's hard to stop them.’ (108)
‘Once you really know what's going on in the relationships causing you trouble, how frequently people fight, in what ways they're likely to fight with you, what tactics to expect, how to respond to these maneuvers, how to take care of yourself, then, everything changes.’ (111)
‘Learning to Be Responsible/If we are going to become a more principled, disciplined society, we will have to teach our children better. In Freud's time, helping children to be emotionally healthy had mostly to do with assisting them in overcoming their fears and insecurities. But these days, teaching children to be emotionally healthy has a lot more to do with helping them learn have to appropriately channel and discipline their aggressive tendencies and take up the burden of leading as socially responsible life.’ (116)
‘First, parents must teach their children when it is and when it's not appropriate to fight at all. It takes a lot of effort to help a youngster see clearly when there really is a legitimate personal need, a moral value, or circumstance worth fighting for. There are also situations in which there may be no alternative except to fight, even physically, such as in a clear case of self-defense.’ (116)
‘Second, parents need to instruct and demonstrate to their children all of the possible ways to get the things they really need without fighting. They need to explain the benefits of exercising alternatives, illustrate what the alternatives are and demonstrate how to use them.’ (117)
‘Character-building is the life-long process by which we instill self-discipline and developed the capacities to live responsibly among others, to do productive work, and, above all, to love. As Scott Peck notes, loving is not a feeling, an art or a state of mind. It's a behavior’ (119)
‘Covert-aggressives can be deceptively civil, charming and seductive. They know how to "look good" and how to win you over by "melting" your resistance. They know what to say and do to get you to abandon any intuitive mistrust and give them what they want.’ (21)
‘Justice passive and covert-aggression are very different behaviors, passive-aggressive and covert-aggressive personalities are very different from one another. Millon describes passive-aggressive or "negativistic" personality as one who is actively ambivalent about whether to adopt a primarily independent or dependent style of coping. These individuals want to take charge of their own life, but fear they lack the resources to do so effectively. Their ambivalence about whether to primarily fend for themselves or lean on others puts them and those in relationships with them in a real bind. They chronically crave and solicit support and nurturance from others. But because they also resent being in positions of dependence and submission, they often try to gain some sense of personal power by resisting cooperation but the very people from whom they solicit support.’ (23)
‘Most covert-aggressive personalities are not sociopaths. Because they have a disregard for the rights and needs of others, have very impaired consciences, actively strive to gain advantage over others, and will try to get away with just about anything short of blatant crime or overt aggression, it’s tempting to label them antisocial. Indeed, some sociopaths use manipulation as part of their overall modus operandi. Manipulators don’t generally violate major social norms, lead lives of crime, or violently aggress against others, although they are capable of these things.’ (25)
‘It’s important to recognize that for the most part, manipulation involves covert-aggression and habitual manipulators are covert-aggressive personalities.’ (25)
‘regardless of whether nature or nurture is the stronger influence, somehow in their childhood development, most covert-aggressive personalities seem to have overlearned some, and failed to learn other essential lessons about managing their aggression. Judging from the histories with which I am familiar, covertly aggressive personalities typically exhibit the following learning failures:
1. They never learned when fighting is really necessary and just. To them, daily living is a battle and anything that stands in the way of something they want is the "enemy." Obsessed with " winning," they're far too willing and too ready to fight.
2. They never allowed themselves to learn that "winning" in the long-run is often characterized by a willingness to give-in or submit in the short-run. They failed to recognize when it's best to give way or give ground. Their total aversion to submission prevents them from making the little concessions that often lead to later " victory."
3. They never learned how to fight constructively or fairly. Sometimes, that's because they mistrusted their ability to win a fair fight. Sometimes, it's because they were never really to run the risk of losing. Sometimes, it's just because they found covert fighting to be so effective. Whatever the case, somehow they overlearned how to " win" (at least, in the short-run) by fighting underhandedly and surreptitiously.
4. Because they detest submission, they never allowed themselves to learn the potentially constructive benefits of admitting defeat. I think this dynamic is at the heart of the apparent failure of all aggressive (and character- disordered) personalities to learn what we want them to learn from past experience. Truly learning (i.e. internalizing) a lesson in life always involves submitting oneself to a higher authority, power, or moral principle. The reason aggressive personalities don't change is because they don't submit.
5. They never learn to get beyond their childish selfishness and self- centeredness. They fail to realize that they're not necessarily entitled to go after something just because they want it. To them, the entire world is their oyster. Having become skilled at getting their way through manipulation, they come to think of themselves as invincible. This further inflates their already grandiose self- image.
6. They never learned genuine respect or empathy for the vulnerabilities of others. To them, everyone else's weakness is simply their advantage. Having only disdain for weakness, especially emotional weakness, they overlearned how to find and push their victims emotional "buttons."’ (26-7)
‘It's easy to fall victim did the covert-aggressive's ploys. Anyone wanting to avoid victimization will need to: [...]
3. Become aware of the fears and insecurities most of us possess that increase our vulnerability to the covert-aggressive's ploys. Knowing your own weaknesses can be your foremost strength in dealing more effectively with a manipulator.’ (28-9)
‘The bottom line is that Joe always wants his way and doesn't know when to stop-when do you concede-when to listen to someone else. He's the kind of guy who will stop at nothing to get what he wants. Sometimes, that's good. To be a " winner" in life, a little such determination is necessary. But when Joe is aggressing at the wrong time and in the wrong arena, and especially when he purports to be doing anything but aggressing, his behavior can be extremely destructive./ Joe is also vain. He sees his family as a reflection of himself. In his mind, it's Lisa's duty to present a favorable image to others so that others will be impressed with him. Joe is wrapped-up in himself. Despite protestations to the contrary, he is insensitive to the wants and needs of others. As self-absorbed as he is, it's not really possible for him to have much empathy for his daughter. But Joe's vanity isn't the direct cause of Liza's and Mary's pain. His readiness to show his will down everyone else's throats, always under the guise of care and concern (he's covert- aggression), is the major cause of problems.’ (34)
‘The Unbridled Quest for Power/ Other than winning, nothing is more important to any aggressive personality than gaining power and achieving a position of dominance over others. Now, we all want some sense of power in our lives. That's not unhealthy. But how ambitiously we pursue it, how we go about preserving it, and how we use it when we have it says a lot about the kind of person we are. Covert-aggressives ruthlessly ambitious people but they're careful not to be perceived that way.’ (37)
‘A person of sound character has learned to balance self-interest with the interests and needs of others. James has learned no such thing. Despite claiming to be " ministering" to the needs of all the faithful, he habitually neglected the needs of his own family. Serving the needs of others is really the furthest thing from his mind. Serving his own ambition is James's true agenda.’ (39)
‘Although it's said that power corrupts, James is living proof that power itself doesn't have the ability to corrupt a person's character. It's the already present flaw in James's character that leads him to unscrupulously pursue power in the first place and abuse it once he has it. [...] But these individuals's unbridled pursuit and unscrupulous use of power are the hallmarks of their already severely disordered characters. They were power-hungry manipulators from the start’ (40)
‘Dealing with covert- aggressive personalities is like getting whiplash. Often, you really don't know what's hit you until long after the damage is done. If you've been involved in some way with one of these smooth operators you know how charming and disarming they can be. They are the masters of deception and seduction. They'll show you what you want to see and tell you what you want to hear.’ (43)
‘What You Don't Know Can Hurt You/ Jack got manipulated out of a job largely because he was so naive about territoriality in the competitive work-place and have aggressive personalities protect their turf.’ (50-1)
‘Predatory aggression is very difficult. It's not an instantaneous reaction, it's a planned and deliberate initiative. It's also not primarily prompted by fear, but rather fueled by desire. The mode of behavior is different, too. When the cat is on the prowl, it keeps low to the ground, hair undisturbed, is quiet and careful. It remains as calm and collected as possible as it prepares to pounce on its prey. The intended victim never sees what's coming. If it does, it's usually after it's too late.’ (52)
‘Getting Away with Murder/ Covert-aggressives exploit situations in which they are well aware of the vulnerability of their prey. They are often very selective about the kind of people with whom they will associate or work. They are particularly adept at finding and keeping others in a one-down position. They relish being in positions of power over others.’ (57)
‘Covert- aggressives use a variety of ploys to keep their partner in a subordinate position in relationships.’ (59)
‘It's my experience (and the experience of a growing number of professionals) that people with aggressive personality disorders do poorly in treatments that view or treat them dependent in any way. […] To admit that they are in anyway powerless challenges their deepest convictions. That they should submit their wills and the conduct of their lives to a higher power is truly aversive.’ (65-6)
‘[…] aggressive personality simply hates to lose. Losing means giving up a position of dominance and power. […] In any abusive relationship, the other person is never the real object of the aggressor's desire, the position is.’ (67)
‘It's important to make a distinction between the concepts of self-esteem and self-respect. Self-esteem is the estimate we make of our self worth based on an intuitive assessment of our innate talents, abilities and the success we’ve had at getting what we want in life. Individuals who know what they have going on for themselves and are confident about their ability to get what they want can overly esteem themselves while never developing any legitimate self-respect. […] To put it more simply, our sense of self-esteem derives from what we know we have, while our sense of self-respect derive from what we do with what we've been given.’ (74)
‘Parents frequently fail to stroke their children for the one thing for which they can truly claim sole credit. That is, their willingness to work. "Sweat" alone is worthy of praise and it's appreciation is essential to a healthy sense of self-respect. This is so important to remember. It's not what people are given that we should praise, or what they managed to secure, but what they do with their talents and abilities and how hard they work to make an honest, responsible contribution to society.’ (75)
‘Actively listening to and heeding the suggestions of someone else are, among other things, act of submission.’ (82)
‘If the aggressor can convince you they're justified in whatever they're doing, then their freer to pursue their goals without interference.’ (84)
‘Whenever someone is not responding directly to an issue, you can safely assume that for some reason, they're trying to give you the slip.’ (85)
‘[…] aggressive personalities of all types will generally stop at nothing to get what they want, you can expect them to lie and cheat.’ (86)
‘Aggressors frequently threaten the victims to keep them anxious, apprehensive and in the one-down position. Covert-aggressives intimidate their victims by making veiled (subtle, indirect or implied) threads.’ (86)
‘One thing that aggressive personalities know well is that other types of persons have very different consciences then they do. Manipulators are often skilled at using what they know to be the greater conscientiousness of their victims as a means of keeping them in the self-doubting, anxious, and submissive position. The more conscientious the potential victim, the more effective guilt is as a weapon.’ (87)
‘Anyone wanting to avoid being victimized by covert-aggression must redefine the terms of engagement with a would-be manipulator. To do this effectively, one must: 1. be free of any harmful misconceptions about human nature and behavior, 2. know how to correctly assess the character of others, 3. heighten self-awareness, paying special attention to aspect of one's own character that increase vulnerability to manipulation, 4. correctly recognize and label the tactics of manipulation and respond to them appropriately, 5. avoid fighting losing battles, and 6. know how to maintain a position of power and strength in interpersonal relationships.’ (93)
‘Put Your Energy Where the Power Is/As previously mentioned, because no one has the power to change the behavior of another, investing time and energy trying to get someone else to change is fighting a losing battle. Making headway in conflicts with aggressive and covertly aggressive personalities (or, for that matter, any personality) can only happen when we’re willing to invest our time and energy where we have unquestionable power–our own behavior.’ (98)
‘Accept no excuses. Don't buy into any of the many reasons (rationalizations) someone may offer for aggressive or covertly aggressive behavior. If someone's behavior is inappropriate, the rationale they offer is irrelevant. The ends never justify the means. So, no matter how much an “explanation” for an inappropriate behavior seems to make sense, don't accept it. Always remember that the person offering an excuse is trying to maintain a position from which they should be backing away. From the very moment they start " explaining," they are resisting submitting to you and fighting to bring you to submission.’ (99)
‘Judge actions, not intentions. Never try to "mind-read" or second-guess why somebody is doing something, especially when they're doing something inappropriate. There's no way for you to really know, and in the end, it's irrelevant. Getting caught up in what might be going on in an aggressor's mind is a good way to get sidetracked from the really pertinent issue. Judge the behavior itself. If what a person does is harmful in some way, pay attention to and deal with that issue.’ (100)
‘Be honest with yourself. Know and "own" your own agendas. Be sure of what your real needs and desires in any situation are. It's bad enough that you can never be sure what a manipulator up to. But deceiving yourself about your own wants and needs can put you in double jeopardy.’ (101)
‘Making requests specific has to payoffs. First, it gives a manipulator little room to distort what it is you want or expect from them. Second, if you don't get a direct, reasonable response to a direct, reasonable request, you already know that the manipulator is fighting with you, plans not to cooperate, or is looking for some way to thwart [oppose successfully] you. This gives you valuable information for planning your next move./Request direct responses. Whenever you don't get a clear, direct, to-the-point answer, ask again. Don't do this in a hostile or threatening way, but respectfully assert the issue you raised is important and deserves to be forthrightly addressed.’ (103)
‘When confronting aggressive behavior, keep the weight of responsibility on the aggressor. If you're confronting an aggressor about some inappropriate behavior, keep the focus on whatever they did to injure, no matter what diversionary tactics they might use to keep you off base. Ask what they will do to correct their behavior. Despite what kind of curves they'll try and throw you, or what rationalizations they might come up with, don't let them sidestep the issue. Don't accept their attempts to shift blame or responsibility. If they don't respond directly to the issue you raise, don't hesitate to address it again. This needs to be done without subtle shaming, hostility, or provocation on your part. Just keep the focus on the behavior the aggressor needs to change.’ (104)
‘When you confront, avoid sarcasm, hostility, and put-downs. Aggressive personalities are always looking for an excuse to go to war. So, they will perceive any "attack" on their self-image as precisely the justification they need.’ (104)
‘Speak for yourself. Use "I" statements and don't portend to speak for anyone else. Besides, using others as a "shield" broadcasts your insecurity. Deal with your "opponent" on a one-to-one basis. Have the courage to stand up for what you want openly and directly.’ (105)
‘Stay in the here and now. Focus on the issues at hand. Don't bring up past issues or speculate about the future. Don't let the diversionary tactics of the aggressor steer you away from what the aggressor is doing at the moment that is wrong.’ (106)
‘When you bargain with any aggressive personality, try to propose many win-win scenarios as you can. Doing this is extremely important and requires creativity and a particulate mind set.’ (107)
‘Take action quickly. A train without brakes rolling down a mountainside is easiest to stop when it just begins to roll. Aggressive personalities of all types lack internal "brakes." Once they're in hot pursuit of their goals, it's hard to stop them.’ (108)
‘Once you really know what's going on in the relationships causing you trouble, how frequently people fight, in what ways they're likely to fight with you, what tactics to expect, how to respond to these maneuvers, how to take care of yourself, then, everything changes.’ (111)
‘Learning to Be Responsible/If we are going to become a more principled, disciplined society, we will have to teach our children better. In Freud's time, helping children to be emotionally healthy had mostly to do with assisting them in overcoming their fears and insecurities. But these days, teaching children to be emotionally healthy has a lot more to do with helping them learn have to appropriately channel and discipline their aggressive tendencies and take up the burden of leading as socially responsible life.’ (116)
‘First, parents must teach their children when it is and when it's not appropriate to fight at all. It takes a lot of effort to help a youngster see clearly when there really is a legitimate personal need, a moral value, or circumstance worth fighting for. There are also situations in which there may be no alternative except to fight, even physically, such as in a clear case of self-defense.’ (116)
‘Second, parents need to instruct and demonstrate to their children all of the possible ways to get the things they really need without fighting. They need to explain the benefits of exercising alternatives, illustrate what the alternatives are and demonstrate how to use them.’ (117)
‘Character-building is the life-long process by which we instill self-discipline and developed the capacities to live responsibly among others, to do productive work, and, above all, to love. As Scott Peck notes, loving is not a feeling, an art or a state of mind. It's a behavior’ (119)
This is one of those books that make you look at everyone in your life a little bit differently. It gives you a sense of understanding about yourself, and the kind of treatment from others that you will take. The kind of book that you feel if everyone would read and absorb only a fraction of it's content might make the world a better place.
I've just started my master's degree for counseling and was told by a family friend that this is a book every counselor should read. It was definitely interesting and showed me a different point of view of manipulation. I liked how Dr. Simon pointed out so many traits to look out for and some solutions to dealing with manipulative people. I just have such a hard time believing that people are really that bad without any reason; I know some people are, but I'm having a hard time allowing myself to believe what Dr. Simon seems to believe, that many people are aggressive simply because of a need to win. I'm not power hungry or competitive so I just have a hard time putting myself in that frame of mind, but I am happy I read this because it has a lot of good information. I wish the last chapter had been a little longer and provided more examples of individuals standing up to their aggressors. I also wish Dr. Simon had talked more about how he approached aggressive individuals in counseling. But this is definitely a book I'll never forget.