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14 reviews for:
The Narcissist You Know: Defending Yourself Against Extreme Narcissists in an All-About-Me Age
Joseph Burgo
3.56 AVERAGE
14 reviews for:
The Narcissist You Know: Defending Yourself Against Extreme Narcissists in an All-About-Me Age
Joseph Burgo
3.56 AVERAGE
informative
medium-paced
tense
medium-paced
This book helps you to understand someone who might be a narcissist. I think we always need to respond to situations with empathy and this book does a great job or helping you empathize with someone with narcissistic tendencies or might help you recognize someone in your life that is giving you a lot of trouble and might be a narcissist.
informative
medium-paced
Sort of a pop psychology book but written with a sense to help you understand narcissism, and not just the personality disorder. Every physician leader should read about narcissism to help them identify with patients and colleagues who can make our work difficult.
I read this on a dare (great way to start a review, right?)
The descriptions ring -- yes I have known many in my life -- and display some of the tendencies myself. They're everywhere. This guy is a little obsessed with celebrities, but there are plenty of other case studies so you can skip over if you want.
The role of shame, of locus-of-control might be useful. It would be of immense help for someone going through some bad stretch. You'll see you're by no means alone. These fuckers are everywhere and will not hesitate to push you down the stairs, and seem to know where all the good stairs are.
They don't care, which is maddening, and there's nothing at all wrong with you.
Good luck. Fuck them over before they have a chance to fuck you over. Go for it. I said it's ok.
The descriptions ring -- yes I have known many in my life -- and display some of the tendencies myself. They're everywhere. This guy is a little obsessed with celebrities, but there are plenty of other case studies so you can skip over if you want.
The role of shame, of locus-of-control might be useful. It would be of immense help for someone going through some bad stretch. You'll see you're by no means alone. These fuckers are everywhere and will not hesitate to push you down the stairs, and seem to know where all the good stairs are.
They don't care, which is maddening, and there's nothing at all wrong with you.
Good luck. Fuck them over before they have a chance to fuck you over. Go for it. I said it's ok.
This book helped me better understand a professional situation I am currently experiencing with someone Burgo might categorize as a "vindictive narcissist" (Chapter 9). What I appreciated most was his understanding of narcissism as a continuum--comprised of everyday narcissists (all of us, when our pride is deeply wounded), extreme narcissists (people with highly destructive narcissistic traits who don't necessarily meet all the DSM criteria for narcissistic personality disorder), and diagnosed/diagnosable narcissists. This helps me to understand how prevalent narcissism is, and the need to apply wisdom and vigilance in my interactions with others, because narcissism comes in many forms and may take time to become apparent.
At the same time there were many aspects of this book I found deeply problematic, including:
- The ill-crafted use of stories and client narratives to convey ideas. Some chapters contained only a few short sentences or paragraphs of expository information laced between long, tangential client narratives whose connection to the focus of the chapter was not always clearly established or illustrative.
- Burgo's frequent analysis of real people (celebrities, politicians, etc.) whom he designates as extreme narcissists. Most of the time, the evidence Burgo relies on to evaluate these people's behaviour consisted of second-hand accounts from biographers, estranged family or friends, or anecdotes shared by the media about the person. It is reckless, unethical, and unkind for a professional (or anyone, really) to engage in armchair psychologizing like this. Human attitudes and behaviour are highly complex; it is impossible to make a formal diagnosis of this kind based only on second-hand sources. Even if such sources are reliable, they cannot convey the inner mechanisms in a person that is prompting them to act a certain way. A professional would never make a diagnosis without talking one-to-one with the person in question, even in the case of NPD (where the person is less likely to have an objective or reliable self-reflective grasp of their behaviour).
- As much as Burgo tries to draw attention to the "many faces" of narcissism, he fails to present nuanced and varied examples. Many of the examples and anecdotes he shares feel like caricatures that obscure rather than reveal the variety of ways narcissism can manifest. For example, he asserts that narcissists are motivated by fame, money, and prestige--big houses, flashy cars, etc. In my experiences, though, it really depends on what values and motivations that are important to the individual narcissist. In nonprofit, academic, or Christian circles, for example, where consumerist and capitalist values may be frowned upon, the narcissist may instead seek things like feigned poverty, piety, humility, or recognition for service, ideas, publications, etc. Narcissist personalities can look very different in contexts where personality traits like compassion and humility are valued, and as a result narcissists can be significantly harder to detect and deal with.
- His treatment of the "narcissistic addict" was confusing and not well formed. He fails to clearly identify how narcissistic addicts differ from other addicts. His pathologizing of codependency in the non-narcissistic addict spouse or partner is problematic for all the reasons the codependency paradigm tends to fall short. Relationships with addicts tend to inflict chronic stress and trauma on their partners and family members, and in that environment codependency can be seen as a necessary and self-protective coping mechanism. The problem is not the codependency, it is the addiction and trauma. Asking the non-addict to stop being codependent while remaining in proximity to the addict may leave them more vulnerable to trauma and wounding experiences.
The book ends with several misguided passages on how the first step of dealing with the narcissists in our lives is facing the narcissist in the mirror, i.e. realizing that we are all narcissists. To me this goes too far in promoting the continuum model of narcissism. Yes, we are all human and occasionally react defensively or destructively when our pride has been wounded, and later regret our actions or words--but this is not true narcissism. The narcissistic person is--at least without serious, prolonged intervention that they themselves consent to (good luck!)--essentially and rigidly unable to experience true regret, compassion, or empathy when their 'narcissistic vulnerabilities' have been breached, even long after the fact. To regard ourselves as narcissists if we are not actually narcissists is not only inaccurate, it also normalizes narcissism in a way that--especially for empaths--simply gets us even more stuck in the sickening web of actual narcissists.
At the same time there were many aspects of this book I found deeply problematic, including:
- The ill-crafted use of stories and client narratives to convey ideas. Some chapters contained only a few short sentences or paragraphs of expository information laced between long, tangential client narratives whose connection to the focus of the chapter was not always clearly established or illustrative.
- Burgo's frequent analysis of real people (celebrities, politicians, etc.) whom he designates as extreme narcissists. Most of the time, the evidence Burgo relies on to evaluate these people's behaviour consisted of second-hand accounts from biographers, estranged family or friends, or anecdotes shared by the media about the person. It is reckless, unethical, and unkind for a professional (or anyone, really) to engage in armchair psychologizing like this. Human attitudes and behaviour are highly complex; it is impossible to make a formal diagnosis of this kind based only on second-hand sources. Even if such sources are reliable, they cannot convey the inner mechanisms in a person that is prompting them to act a certain way. A professional would never make a diagnosis without talking one-to-one with the person in question, even in the case of NPD (where the person is less likely to have an objective or reliable self-reflective grasp of their behaviour).
- As much as Burgo tries to draw attention to the "many faces" of narcissism, he fails to present nuanced and varied examples. Many of the examples and anecdotes he shares feel like caricatures that obscure rather than reveal the variety of ways narcissism can manifest. For example, he asserts that narcissists are motivated by fame, money, and prestige--big houses, flashy cars, etc. In my experiences, though, it really depends on what values and motivations that are important to the individual narcissist. In nonprofit, academic, or Christian circles, for example, where consumerist and capitalist values may be frowned upon, the narcissist may instead seek things like feigned poverty, piety, humility, or recognition for service, ideas, publications, etc. Narcissist personalities can look very different in contexts where personality traits like compassion and humility are valued, and as a result narcissists can be significantly harder to detect and deal with.
- His treatment of the "narcissistic addict" was confusing and not well formed. He fails to clearly identify how narcissistic addicts differ from other addicts. His pathologizing of codependency in the non-narcissistic addict spouse or partner is problematic for all the reasons the codependency paradigm tends to fall short. Relationships with addicts tend to inflict chronic stress and trauma on their partners and family members, and in that environment codependency can be seen as a necessary and self-protective coping mechanism. The problem is not the codependency, it is the addiction and trauma. Asking the non-addict to stop being codependent while remaining in proximity to the addict may leave them more vulnerable to trauma and wounding experiences.
The book ends with several misguided passages on how the first step of dealing with the narcissists in our lives is facing the narcissist in the mirror, i.e. realizing that we are all narcissists. To me this goes too far in promoting the continuum model of narcissism. Yes, we are all human and occasionally react defensively or destructively when our pride has been wounded, and later regret our actions or words--but this is not true narcissism. The narcissistic person is--at least without serious, prolonged intervention that they themselves consent to (good luck!)--essentially and rigidly unable to experience true regret, compassion, or empathy when their 'narcissistic vulnerabilities' have been breached, even long after the fact. To regard ourselves as narcissists if we are not actually narcissists is not only inaccurate, it also normalizes narcissism in a way that--especially for empaths--simply gets us even more stuck in the sickening web of actual narcissists.
I am in two minds about this book. What I appreciated that the author avoided using the DSM clinical definition of narcissist assisting the reader to understand that narcissism is part of everyones character creation and that not all fall into the extreme category of NPD. This does not make them any less difficult to deal with and that it's important that those involved with them need to protect self. At the same time I was disillusioned by his take because once again you have someone creating a whole another set of categories of narcissist without any consistency confusing the issue even deeper. In his interpretation Malignant narcissists are called bullying narcissist. Overall I'm not sure the auhor accomplished his goal in helping the reader to know how to defend against extreme narcissists. He utilize many many many examples from well known people to give us examples of what he was defining and he did continue the dialogue around a very complicated group. For that I give him 3 stars
Good Read to help you analyze what kind of narcissist that you are dealing with in 2017, where narcissist are voted into office.
Not sure if I like Burgo's coping mechanisms, though.
Not sure if I like Burgo's coping mechanisms, though.
Good as in I recognised my not so brief encounter with narcissistic people but quite repetitive in its transcription