Reviews with content warning for Panic attacks/disorders - Picture Us in the Light

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Picture Us in the Light by Kelly Loy Gilbert

8 reviews

angelo_vossen's review against another edition

challenging dark emotional hopeful informative mysterious reflective sad tense medium-paced

Plot- or character-driven? A mix
Strong character development? Yes
Loveable characters? Yes
Diverse cast of characters? Yes
Flaws of characters a main focus? Yes

4.5

"Picture Us In The Light" by Kelly Loy Gilbert delves into layers of identity, family dynamics, and the human experience. Set in Silicon Valley, the novel provides a rich tapestry against which the protagonist, Danny Cheng, grapples with the complexities of his past and the secrets that lie buried within his family's history.

At the heart of the story is Danny's journey of self-discovery as he navigates the challenges of adolescence while confronting the weight of his family's secrets. As a first-generation Chinese-American, Danny struggles to reconcile his cultural heritage with the expectations placed upon him by both his family and society. Gilbert skillfully explores the nuances of identity formation, highlighting the internal conflicts and external pressures that shape Danny's sense of self.

One of the novel's greatest strengths lies in its portrayal of the bonds that tie families together, even in the face of adversity. Danny's relationship with his parents, particularly his mother, is portrayed with depth and complexity, revealing the sacrifices made and the burdens carried in the pursuit of a better life. Through Danny's interactions with his family members, Gilbert illuminates the universal themes of love, loyalty, and the search for belonging.

In addition to its exploration of familial relationships, "Picture Us In The Light" also grapples with broader social issues, including immigration, mental health and the pursuit of the American Dream. Gilbert deftly weaves these themes into the narrative, presenting readers with a thought-provoking examination of the complexities of the human experience.

One passage felt like a punch in the gut - Danny talking to an inner voice (Mr. X) representing racist, judging, homophobic people:

I keep trying to string the words together, what I'll say to him. But Mr. X won't leave me alone.

„It's one thing to feel a funny way. It's another to put it out there in the open for everyone to have to see. You're asking him to do a disgusting thing with you. If he isn't funny about you the way you want him to be, he won't be too hot about being around you after this, you sniffing around him with those hungry eyes of yours.“

I don't care what hypothetical old white men think, I tell him. He tips back his head and laughs.

„Hypothetical? You think you conjured me from nothing? I'm your neighbor. I'm your dentist. I'm your cop. I'm your congressman. I'm your

boss. I'm your teacher. Don't think for a minute—”

The novel's characters are richly drawn and multidimensional, each carrying their own hopes, fears, and motivations. From Danny's crush (I btw love that no sexualities are ever addressed in this book), Harry, to his friend, Regina, every character contributes to the richness of the story, adding layers of depth and complexity to the narrative.

Throughout "Picture Us In The Light," Gilbert's prose is both lyrical and immersive, drawing readers into Danny's world with its vivid imagery and evocative language. The pacing is skillfully maintained, keeping readers engaged from start to finish as they accompany Danny on his journey of self-discovery.

The only critique I have got: At times this novel felt kind of overwhelming. What started as a story about a boy not being sure about his own future and dealing with average teenage problems, quickly turned into a mystery about family secrets. Altogether that was what caused me to be intrigued by this book as much as I was in the end - everything simply developed quite quickly, which startled me a bit.

In conclusion, "Picture Us In The Light" is a compelling and emotionally resonant novel that explores the complexities of identity, family, and the human experience with nuance and sensitivity. Gilbert's storytelling prowess shines through in every page, making this a must-read for anyone seeking a thought-provoking and immersive literary experience.

Content Warnings

nightshaderoots's review

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challenging emotional hopeful inspiring mysterious reflective sad tense medium-paced

Plot- or character-driven? Character
Strong character development? It's complicated
Loveable characters? Yes
Diverse cast of characters? Yes
Flaws of characters a main focus? Yes

4.75

The book had so much happening in the last 10% of it. There are lots of relatable moments and I enjoyed how the theme of space keeps coming up. I will admit I didn't like the main character for a good majority of the book but towards the end I couldn't help but to feel for him. Lots are left for interpretation but that's how the book should end. To quote Sandra, "Other people don't exist just to be your happy ending." And that's true for the book.

Content Warnings

glowingreview's review

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challenging dark emotional mysterious reflective sad medium-paced

Plot- or character-driven? A mix
Strong character development? Yes
Loveable characters? Yes
Diverse cast of characters? Yes
Flaws of characters a main focus? Yes

5.0

i cannot rate this anything but five stars. this book is pain, and i adore it.

(i also read it all in one sitting, because i didn't want to put it down.)

2022 update: i think this being my first book of the year is going to be an annual thing.

2023 update: first read of the year for the third year in a row ! still just as heartbreaking ! so many quotes i highlighted and my copy is now tabbed beyond recognition!

highlighted quotes in spoiler tag below

- “Because if you’re tangled up in someone else, if your futures are tied that way, if that’s real and if you know when it happens—then it means you know who you belong to, and you know whose fates are tied to yours, whether you like it or planned it or not, whether they still exist in the same world with you or they don’t, and I think that’s where everything begins and ends. I think that’s everything.” pg 4

- “I would do anything for Harry—and have—and sometimes I picture what it would look like to come up against the hard wall of the limits of how far he’d be willing to go for me.” pg 31/32

- “You know people by what it is they want most.” pg 40

- “You’re going to have to choose, too. You have to look at the world like—you get one shot in it, and at the end you’re going to have to look back and see whether you said all that you needed to say and gave it back to the world to hear, or if you just let that shrivel up inside you to die with you. All of us have to make that choice.” pg 46.

- “I’m not a religious person, but what I have with Harry is the closest thing I have—when I’m with him is when the world is at its clearest for me.” pg 56

- “And what was the first time I had the same feeling I’ve felt probably thousands of times with him since then—that small panic about the moment ending.” pg 67

- “I saw the way his whole body deflated, and then I saw the way he gathered himself up and hid that, and something about it was so practiced, so automatic, that I understood for the first time how much this was a part of him.” pg 69/70

- “But I saw everything differently after that, I think it’s because it’s hard to turn away from someone after you’ve really seen them. You carry that part of them with you, and it becomes your job to protect it, too.” pg 70

- “I guess I’ve always believed that’s what a relationship is, this space you keep between you where you hold each other’s secrets. Or that it’s how you build something together, layering the things you’ve never told anyone else like bricks.” pg 72
- “And so it was the way he’d said **we** that felt significant to me […]. It’s both the best thing that can happen to you and the most dangerous, because what do you have except the people you belong to and who belong to you?” pg 73

- “I collect details about people; it’s part of how you form the shape of them.” pg 80

- “From watching my parents I think being married or being with someone else in any kind of real way takes a certain amount of bravery, and it’s not something I’m positive I have in me. To pluck your heart from your chest that way and hand it to someone, unprotected, and wait to see how gently they’ll stitch it back in for you, or not—to wake up all those days you’re the crappiest version of yourself and face the person who knows you best, morning after morning, year after year.” pg 85

- “There are people so enshrined in your past they’ll never stop mattering to you.” pg 96

- “We all have those things, I think—those things we want too badly to speak about aloud for fear someone’ll swoop in and tell us we’re just dreaming, those things we hold close and fantasise about at night and swear to the world we don’t care that much about, the way I feel about art, the way I want to believe my parents are grateful I was the child who survived. What Harry wants above everything else is to know the world is behind him.” pg 105

- “Or maybe we all just forgive the people we love, because we love them, and for no other reason than that.” pg 110

- “And I thought—it physically hurt to think—about how hopeful he was. The force of someone else’s hope can be completely crushing.” pg 115

- “Who does Regina text now about those stupid things that don’t matter enough to tell anyone else, when she sees twin puppies on a walk or when a pair of shoes she’s been eyeing go on sale or when she reads a mildly interesting article and wants to talk about a single line in it—is it Harry? Or do they just wither in the ether?” pg 120

- “Your fears at night aren’t something you can carry out past the walls of your mind.” pg 134

- “Because you never see the whole picture, maybe—you just sculpt the world around you so it fits in the box you’ve made for it, so it matches everything you already know. Or maybe that’s not true, either—maybe you just see what you choose to.” pg 140

- “For now you believe in your mother’s love as a talisman, that it will keep you safe.” pg before 160

- “This is what Vivian Ho meant when she said you have to choose what’s important to you and how far you’re willing to go for it. When the universe zooms in on all that space I take up inside it and asks me why, this is the only answer I’ve ever known.” pg 164

- “And everything you take in from the world becomes a part of you that flows back through you into whatever you draw, I know that. There won’t be a better time than now.” pg 165

- “If she saw what she was losing and tried to clutch the whole weight of the world in her hands as it all drained away.” pg 169

- “Maybe what you need most in life is people who will fight for you; maybe that’s all that matters. I want to tell him something like that, what it means to me. I don’t, though.” pg 178

- “And right on cue comes the same ugly feeling I always get in the aftermath of arguments, that guilt hangover. In the heat of the moment whenever we fight I want to hurt them, want to say something barbed and incisive, and it works for as long as they’re angry back, as long as my words have no powers of weaponry. When I do actually hurt them, my heart crumples like a piece of paper. I’ve heard it said the worst thing in the world is to get exactly what you want, and I don’t know how true that is, but it’s true when you win a fight with someone you love.” pg 189

- “He ignores me. I always liked when he did that—not ignored me, obviously, but ignored me with the tacit understanding that it’s because I’m the one who matters, the default one who doesn’t require the pleasantries that intimacy replaces.” pg 191

- “Your worst fears are like that; you can’t expose them to the air or they’ll flare out of control and consume you.” pg 195

- “We’re knitted together, all of us, in our history and hopes and grief and guilt and all those things we saw each other through and in twenty years any one of the people I know from here could call me up and ask me a favour, and I’d do anything for them. I would.” pg 213

- “This is what being in a family is—how your home holds all those things, the whole spectrum of everything you feel toward them. You can’t always hold on to everything at once, but the rest of it is always right there so close to you, ready for you to pick it up again. It’s the opposite of a blank page, how you can feel pissed off and guilty and nervous all at once, how you can remain angrier at your dad than you’ve ever been at anyone and at the exact same time still feel seared by the sight of his pain. Maybe he never deserved all the ways his life has unraveled, whatever those were." pg 215

- “The worst things you fear aren’t the rare or distant ones. The worst things you fear are the ones so close they take up residence inside your head and whisper to you in the background all the time; the worst things you fear are that there’s so much darkness lurking inside the nicest people and the safest places you know.” pg 222

- “I’ve grown up knowing how when you leave the world—however it happens, however it went with my sister—you take a part of it with you, like when water dries up in a creek for the summer and it’s silent and lonely and parched. This is something I know now that I didn’t then, though: that almost all of us have wanted to leave it before. Maybe you always do when your days feel like one endless night closing in on you and you lose the light, grope around in darkness before it starts to feel easier to just let it swallow you altogether.” pg 223

- “Art doesn’t change the ending. It doesn’t let you lose yourself that way—the opposite, really; it calls you from the darkness, into the glaring, unforgiving light. But at least—this is why it will always feel like a calling to me—it lets you not be so alone.” pg 224

- “That’s what I can do here. I can give form and shape to what everyone’s feeling, a picture of her that feels as true as anything else has this past year. Maybe that’s the only way you heal. // Or maybe that isn’t quite true, either—you never quite heal. But at least you get to say you’re sorry.” pg 224

- “If they really love each other, if they’re right for each other and they flood all those empty spaces around one another with enough warmth and light to hold at bay all the worst trappings of the world, then if I care about them, that should be enough for me. I know that.” pg 227

- “And I know you can see things as you decide, shift the objects in your world so the light falls on them the way you want it to, but there are different ways to love someone and I’m pretty sure Harry feels the same way toward Regina as I do.” pg 227

- “It was the first time I remember understanding that something someone told you in implicit trust could hold so much power, and I wish I could say I understood it only after the fact.” pg 233/234

- “I wish my parents, both of them, would just come home. It’s hard to hold on to your anger when you’re scared and lonely, when you miss someone at night.” pg 234

- “All my life, I’ve always waited for signs. Like with art, like with everything, I’ve waited for things to fall into place and to feel right, to feel like the universe had given me its permission and its blessing.” pg 315

- “And I almost tell him then. I almost do. // I don’t though. He puts his hand back on the wheel, and the letdown that floods me, like a wave receding and then crashing back, makes me wonder if maybe I can’t. Maybe I just won’t ever. I try to tell myself I will, that I still have time—but time always almost feels like it belongs to you, like you can stretch and sculpt it to make it what you need it to be, but that’s a lesson I hope I never need to learn again: you belong to it, and not the other way around.” pg 323

- “That it does mean something to be there, that the world is intrinsically different by you being in it, and that whatever ways it spins around you, you can take something from that and make it better, somehow, than it was. // And maybe now that sounds like wanting to just get credit for showing up. But it’s not nothing, right? Some people never show up. Or they start to and then they’re gone, or they want something bigger or flashier and less steady than the work of putting yourself there even when it’s not comfortable. I don’t want that to be true about me.” pg 335

- “How long have you—how long?” // I think about lying, but there’s no point. “Always.” // He bites at his lip. “Really?” // I shrug. What else is there to say? Maybe someday I’ll look back on this night, too, as something I wish I could have back. Maybe someday I’ll dissect it a million times and trick myself into thinking if I just said something differently it could’ve changed everything. But the truth is that Harry knows me. There’s nothing I haven’t told him or shown him, and there’s nothing else I have left to offer him. That was the rest of it.” pg 343

- “The people who matter to you most—you aren’t always going to occupy that same space in their lives, I guess. Maybe that’s what I always loved most about art, that it was a way of multiplying myself so I could feel like I was always a part of more than I really was. I should hold on to the fact that Joy kept something I drew. Maybe that still means something, however small. And maybe life is when you gather all the things you can hold on to and carry with you, and cross your fingers it’ll be enough.” pg 346

- ““Other people don’t exist just to be your happy ending, you know?” I think about that now. She was right, of course, but still, sometimes people give you that. And it’s a gift every time, something rare and important, not something you’re ever guaranteed and not any pattern that might help you understand the world.” pg 347

- “Complicated like—I couldn’t bring myself to sing anything during worship and I was still furious at everyone who ever tried to tell me last year God works all things for good, but then during the message I just felt like God was reminding me that the whole history of the world is that it’s fallen. He promises redemption someday, just not yet. And in the meantime whole decades’ worth of the Bible is just grieving all these broken things.” pg 351

- “Of course I do. I love Harry, and I’ll always love him, but not like that. But also—I don’t think I was ever who he wanted.” pg 351

there's more, and really, this book means more to me than it did before. there's parts that resonate so strongly with me, because of events that have happened to me in the last year, and parts that i understand so deeply that i didn't before. lines that i never paid attention to before, that this time struck me, because i could see danny, harry, and regina in myself and my friends, in varying combinations. sandra in someone my friends and i lost. lines about harry reflecting on his relationship with regina that killed me to read because it's a fine line between him and me, really.

this book means more to me than it used to, somehow. and i'll forever be grateful.

Content Warnings

insanelyfruity's review

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dark emotional funny mysterious sad tense slow-paced

Plot- or character-driven? A mix
Strong character development? Yes
Loveable characters? Yes
Diverse cast of characters? Yes
Flaws of characters a main focus? Yes

4.25

I don't even know where to start on this book. it was not at all what I had expected and it took me completely by surprise. it was a bit of a slow read for me but the realness and rawness of the characters and the story and the emotions you can feel just pulsing off the page made it very hard to put down. the characters were so well fleshed out, so three dimensional, and it felt like a very realistic portrayal of human beings in general. the Asian American representation, queer representation, the mental health struggles mentioned, cultural pressures- I could feel it all and relate to it and it made me so happy to see it represented so well. the book was written beautifully and a few times I had to read a passage over and over again to understand all its complexities. it was an absolutely stunning book. certainly not something I would usually read (in the best way possible).
I love that the author didn't necessarily try to tie up everything with a bow and give an unrealistic 'happily ever after'- it would've felt odd with a story as nuanced as this.
I found a lot of the book to be very quotable too and I think part of that was because of how relatable it was to me (the prose was stunning, so there's that too).
I was invested till the very end which just shows the writer's calibre in keeping the audience engaged with the mystery as well as realness. definitely would recommend!

"But when I really think about it, I wonder if maybe it's more than that; maybe it's something that hits close to the deepest core of who I am. I'm not a religious person, but what I have with Harry is the closest thing I have - when I am with him is when the world is at its clearest for me."

Content Warnings