Reviews with content warning for Eating disorder - Acts of Desperation

I fell in love with this book on page one.
This is one of those rare pieces of art that makes you feel as though you are looking into a mirror.
I think the writing in this book was incredible and the relationship dynamic was a fair portrayal of what it’s like to live in this kind of turmoil. Specifically, the first half of this book is hauntingly beautiful.
Unfortunately, the second half of this book fell a little flat for me. I found the dramatic shift in the narrator’s behavior made sense, but came on all at once with little perspective on how she was changing.

Content Warnings

marissab's review against another edition

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dark emotional reflective sad tense slow-paced

Plot- or character-driven? Character
Strong character development? No
Loveable characters? No
Diverse cast of characters? No
Flaws of characters a main focus? Yes

3.0

Content Warnings

zilha's review against another edition

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dark emotional reflective sad medium-paced

Plot- or character-driven? Character
Strong character development? It's complicated
Loveable characters? It's complicated
Diverse cast of characters? No
Flaws of characters a main focus? Yes

4.0

Just finished the book Acts of Desperation. Megan Nolan's unnamed protagonist took my breath away. With a pounding heart and occasionally the painful teeth of shame slowly scraping my intestines, I finished the book. I can sometimes act cold and distant like Ciaran, but even more often I am anxious, insecure and looking for validation of my person and existence, not in the same ways as the main character, but from the same all-consuming desperation to love and be loved.

This book is not a love story. It's painful, raw and nasty. It's despair, obsession, depression.

The main character is aware of her bad choices, her inability to be alone, her jealousy, eating disorder, her obsession with Ciaran: beautiful, unattainable and still in love with his ex. She doesn't always seem to know why she makes certain choices. This is an honest story, at some points relatable even. The idea that finding love suddenly makes you complete, as if you have found the answer to a complicated math problem and don't have to think about anything anymore. As if you end where the other person begins. Losing yourself in the daily tasks as a woman who automatically takes on the traditional role in the relationship, unspoken, because you’re doing what is expected of you. The feeling that you can only be loved for your body, for sex. Not loving yourself and wanting someone else to be able to do this for you and prove to you that you are worth it, where the search for love -again- ends in a bar with a sketchy man and that small moment of validation that comes in exchange for sex. The latter has not been my own experience, but I understand the main character and my heart aches for her. The binge drinking, the self-harm, the obsessive digital stalking of Ciaran's ex for the sole purpose of comparing herself to her, looking for reasons that confirm she doesn't deserve the love she so desperately desires.

The main character loses herself in her obsession and creates a codependent relationship. Ciaran depends on her to fulfill his daily needs because it is the only way she can bind him to her. Ultimately, something like love arises between them because the distant, cruel Ciaran, who seems to be able to miss her, expresses his concerns about her for the first time in the years that they have been together. Nevertheless, this is too late, as she has slowly learned to find her self-worth in other men who use her for sex. She cheats several times and eventually this leads to a painful, intense confrontation.

For me, this is a story in which the main character ultimately finds her voice and increasingly realizes what her own opinion is, what her own desires are, and thus starts to break free from the urge for validation from men. Ultimately there is one thing that bothered me: the way she seemed to excuse the rape, since she also did bad things. I’m not sure how to feel about that, or maybe there’s another way to read that part?

Nolan's writing style is striking: the story reads smoothly, she manages to say a lot with a few words and the urgency and desperation for love in all its ways touches me, all ways.

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