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4.25 AVERAGE
4.25 AVERAGE
Good book. It is a bit repeative in sections, but I think that's because of the subject matter. Great book about curing self-betrayal/ delusions/ seeing-others-as-they are. One of those deep books about forgivenss. The depth of it made it take a lot longer to read than it typically takes me to finish books.
This book taught me so much, and ultimately changed my perspective on all of my relationships in life. Such an amazing book.
informative
inspiring
slow-paced
This book will change the way you view every relationship - for the better! It's high time I read it again.
This book was a gift from a friend whose gift for healing relationships I have admired. This book is a dense read and I had to read it a bit at time. The core concept is that we play an active role in the rough relationships in our lives (as I write that, it seems obvious).
Basic premise: when we feel an impulse to do something for someone else and we don't, we are committing an act of self-betrayal. Then we get into a justification mode that supports the betrayal. We cast ourselves as the victim of someone else's actions.
An example is the husband who hears the baby cry in the middle of the night and feels he should get up and do something, but delays or decides not to. Then follows the justification: "I have to work tomorrow, I'm just as tired as my wife is, can't she hear that baby crying? why is she being so inconsiderate?!" He becomes the victim of his wife's discourtesy, when he initially felt that HE should do something and then failed to follow through.
We get trapped in what the author describes as "I/It" thinking. We don't see other people as full, whole people, but as problems, objects, or even attackers/persecutors. Our lives would be so much better if they would only (fill in the blank). The problem is that thinking begins to affect all of our interactions with that person.
My favorite example (from another book by the same author) is the mother with a teenager who doesn't respect a curfew. She lays down the law, and says "It's 10:30, or (consequence)." Teen comes home at 10:25 - for the first time in forever. Instead of saying "Hey, you made it!" Mom says "Cutting it kind of close, aren't you?" The teen complied with the request, but got no credit because Mom insists on casting herself as the mother of a disobedient teen. The teen feels "Why should I bother, it still doesn't make her happy - if I'm gonna get chewed out, it might as well be worth it." Thus, both mom and teen make choices feeding into a toxic pattern of interaction.
The first step out of that cycle is to sincerely ask yourself, "Might I be in the wrong?" Ask the question, and accept the answer with humility. Then adjust what you do. The other person may respond, or may not, but often, asking the question, brings the person to a place of recognizing the whole humanity of the other person. They aren't an object or obstacle, but a full person, with their own challenges, life, mind and soul.
We can learn to respond to those impulses to reach out to others. We can learn to back out of our self-betrayal and stop casting ourselves as the victims of others. When we do, we heal our relationships. We will do more for others, reach out of ourselves more, and find that life is so much sweeter.
Basic premise: when we feel an impulse to do something for someone else and we don't, we are committing an act of self-betrayal. Then we get into a justification mode that supports the betrayal. We cast ourselves as the victim of someone else's actions.
An example is the husband who hears the baby cry in the middle of the night and feels he should get up and do something, but delays or decides not to. Then follows the justification: "I have to work tomorrow, I'm just as tired as my wife is, can't she hear that baby crying? why is she being so inconsiderate?!" He becomes the victim of his wife's discourtesy, when he initially felt that HE should do something and then failed to follow through.
We get trapped in what the author describes as "I/It" thinking. We don't see other people as full, whole people, but as problems, objects, or even attackers/persecutors. Our lives would be so much better if they would only (fill in the blank). The problem is that thinking begins to affect all of our interactions with that person.
My favorite example (from another book by the same author) is the mother with a teenager who doesn't respect a curfew. She lays down the law, and says "It's 10:30, or (consequence)." Teen comes home at 10:25 - for the first time in forever. Instead of saying "Hey, you made it!" Mom says "Cutting it kind of close, aren't you?" The teen complied with the request, but got no credit because Mom insists on casting herself as the mother of a disobedient teen. The teen feels "Why should I bother, it still doesn't make her happy - if I'm gonna get chewed out, it might as well be worth it." Thus, both mom and teen make choices feeding into a toxic pattern of interaction.
The first step out of that cycle is to sincerely ask yourself, "Might I be in the wrong?" Ask the question, and accept the answer with humility. Then adjust what you do. The other person may respond, or may not, but often, asking the question, brings the person to a place of recognizing the whole humanity of the other person. They aren't an object or obstacle, but a full person, with their own challenges, life, mind and soul.
We can learn to respond to those impulses to reach out to others. We can learn to back out of our self-betrayal and stop casting ourselves as the victims of others. When we do, we heal our relationships. We will do more for others, reach out of ourselves more, and find that life is so much sweeter.
Gotta have patience with myself as I read this. If I take that approach, it's very powerful. But it can less to me beating myself up if I don't take it with the right mindset.
Super great stuff in here.
Super great stuff in here.
This book can be lifechanging if the reader puts into practice what they find here. It has a lot to understand in it and I feel like I only scratched the surface. I am only beginning to see glimpses in myself of the things that need to change. I will be reading this again to deepen my understanding.
2021 Popsugar Reading Challenge: #26 A book with an oxymoron in the title.
2021 Popsugar Reading Challenge: #26 A book with an oxymoron in the title.
This book describes so many things about the way I am and how to fix them, I was so glad it was recommended to me. My biggest complaint, though, was while the author has amazing knowledge and insight to share with the world. he buries it so deep in overly wordy sentences and descriptions that I had a hard time digging out those nuggets of knowledge I was looking for. I feel like I missed a lot of what he had to say solely because of the way he said it. I feel I need to reread it to really get the most out of it. Luckily, I have the chance to hear him speak in person in two weeks and I hope he's more succinct then.
5 stars for the ideas find within. They are really humbling and life changing.
3 stars for presentation. The book is rather long winded and not very concise. I also didn't love some of what was said in the book, though I do think the overall message makes the book well worth reading.
3 stars for presentation. The book is rather long winded and not very concise. I also didn't love some of what was said in the book, though I do think the overall message makes the book well worth reading.