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196 reviews for:
Hold On to Your Kids: Why Parents Need to Matter More Than Peers
Gabor Maté, Gordon Neufeld
3.99 AVERAGE
196 reviews for:
Hold On to Your Kids: Why Parents Need to Matter More Than Peers
Gabor Maté, Gordon Neufeld
3.99 AVERAGE
Honestly as someone who specializes is child mental health and as mother, I found there was a lot of finger pointing at parents. It’s been proven time and time again a child grows up better in a heathy society. And parents alone will not be the only influence. On top of that it’s natural for kids to, once they hit pre teen years, start looking at peers for more of their social cues. To try and stop that can actually cause an issue with parent/child relationships.
There might be better information later in the book. But honestly I’ve got such a long line of TBR books that I’m not interested in finishing this one.
There might be better information later in the book. But honestly I’ve got such a long line of TBR books that I’m not interested in finishing this one.
This is a great book which I expect to have a profound effect on my parenting. The main premise--that today's culture has "flatlined" (i.e. lost the vertical transfer of values from elders to youth) as a result of children being more attached to their peers than to their parents, rang true to me. As a teacher, I saw that the majority of my students were strongly influenced by their peers and their shared experiences of popular culture--a situation that frustrated parents and left the kids making lots of bad choices. That's because immature people cannot lead each other into maturity, according to Neufeld and Mate.
The authors note that until about 50 years ago, older family members passed on rituals and traditions, and children came home from school mid-day to have lunch with their mothers. Today's teenagers have fashion and music marketed specifically to them, and they spend lots and lots of time socializing with other people their own age. One thing parents can do is to keep kids busy with family activities so that they don't become overly attached to their peers. The authors advise discretion, of course--while, for instance, limiting slumber parties to one per month, tell the child it's because uninterrupted sleep is important for a growing body.
While some amount of counterwill is a sign of healthy child development, especially for toddlers and preschoolers, an older child who is strongly oppositional to the parents' wishes has likely shifted attachment from parents to peers. To prevent this from occurring, the authors prescribe a never-ending campaign to woo children and keep them emotionally close.
It starts with the four-step process of "collection." When greeting a child after a separation (e.g. upon waking in the morning or at the end of the school day), get into the child's space in a friendly way, with the goal of eliciting eye contact, a smile or a nod. Then, provide something for the child to "hold onto" (like a hug, the suggestion of a joint activity, or a surprise gift--expected gifts, such as a birthday present, don't count). The third step is to invite dependence--for instance, offer to carry the child, or to tie her shoes, even though she's capable of doing these things for herself. Finally, act as a child's compass point--that is, be a guide in some way. This guidance can be about events ("Here's what we're going to do today..." or "Let me show you how this works"...), or it can relate to children's understanding of themselves ("You have a special way of..." or "I can see you going far with...").
If the relationship between parent and child is broken, it's the parents' fault and the parent's responsibility to fix the situation. One way to break a relationship is to make compliance a higher priority than the relationship itself. Instead, when a child's conduct is imperfect, the parent needs to convey that the child is loved and accepted. The authors are opposed to time-outs and other methods of withdrawing affection which can harm the relationship, because a strong attachment enables parents to remain influential and instill their values as children grow.
Spending excessive time on work or other activities that don't involve the children and lying/keeping secrets from children can also degrade attachment between kids and parents. If a parent has to be separated from the child--for business travel, divorce, etc.--the authors advise giving gifts like photos, a map showing the parent's route, special jewelry, or love notes. Reconnect with one-on-one walks and weekend trips. Focus on children while playing family games and sharing sit-down meals.
The authors view discipline as a way for parents to bring themselves under control and to work systematically toward a goal. "Discipline should not and need not be adversarial. It is not our children's fault that they are born uncivilized, immature; that their impulses rule them or that they fall short of our expectations." The seven principles of natural discipline put forth in this book are: (1) Use connection, not separation, to bring a child into line ("collect" the child before providing instruction). (2) When problems occur, work the relationship, not the incident (one suggestion: acknowledge the negative emotion the kid is feeling now, e.g. "You're frustrated," and wait until that feeling has passed before providing instruction). (3) When things aren't working for the child, draw out the tears instead of trying to teach a lesson (firmly present the futility of the situation--e.g. "There isn't enough" or "Sally won the game"; then help turn the frustration into sadness:--e.g."This isn't what you expected"). (4) Solicit good intentions instead of demanding good behavior (collect the child and then give them a chance to do something positive--e.g. "Do you think you could give Grandma a hug now?" or "Could you carry this for me?"). (5) Draw out the mixed feelings instead of trying to stop impulsive behavior (point out to the child that although he acted on a negative impulse there were moderating impulses he could have heeded). (6) When dealing with an impulsive child, try scripting the desired behavior instead of demanding maturity (give positively worded directions like, "This is how we pet the cat" or "Now is a time to use your quiet voice"). (7) When unable to change the child, try changing the child's world (look past the problem behavior to see what the child is reacting to and consider what can be done about the trigger).
Although this is primarily a parenting book, Neufeld and Mate also write about the need for children to feel attached to their teachers. A lot of the suggestions presented in this book could apply to discipline and relationship building in the classroom. The idea that maintaining attachment is more important than correcting behaviors holds a lot of promise for romantic relationships, too.
The authors note that until about 50 years ago, older family members passed on rituals and traditions, and children came home from school mid-day to have lunch with their mothers. Today's teenagers have fashion and music marketed specifically to them, and they spend lots and lots of time socializing with other people their own age. One thing parents can do is to keep kids busy with family activities so that they don't become overly attached to their peers. The authors advise discretion, of course--while, for instance, limiting slumber parties to one per month, tell the child it's because uninterrupted sleep is important for a growing body.
While some amount of counterwill is a sign of healthy child development, especially for toddlers and preschoolers, an older child who is strongly oppositional to the parents' wishes has likely shifted attachment from parents to peers. To prevent this from occurring, the authors prescribe a never-ending campaign to woo children and keep them emotionally close.
It starts with the four-step process of "collection." When greeting a child after a separation (e.g. upon waking in the morning or at the end of the school day), get into the child's space in a friendly way, with the goal of eliciting eye contact, a smile or a nod. Then, provide something for the child to "hold onto" (like a hug, the suggestion of a joint activity, or a surprise gift--expected gifts, such as a birthday present, don't count). The third step is to invite dependence--for instance, offer to carry the child, or to tie her shoes, even though she's capable of doing these things for herself. Finally, act as a child's compass point--that is, be a guide in some way. This guidance can be about events ("Here's what we're going to do today..." or "Let me show you how this works"...), or it can relate to children's understanding of themselves ("You have a special way of..." or "I can see you going far with...").
If the relationship between parent and child is broken, it's the parents' fault and the parent's responsibility to fix the situation. One way to break a relationship is to make compliance a higher priority than the relationship itself. Instead, when a child's conduct is imperfect, the parent needs to convey that the child is loved and accepted. The authors are opposed to time-outs and other methods of withdrawing affection which can harm the relationship, because a strong attachment enables parents to remain influential and instill their values as children grow.
Spending excessive time on work or other activities that don't involve the children and lying/keeping secrets from children can also degrade attachment between kids and parents. If a parent has to be separated from the child--for business travel, divorce, etc.--the authors advise giving gifts like photos, a map showing the parent's route, special jewelry, or love notes. Reconnect with one-on-one walks and weekend trips. Focus on children while playing family games and sharing sit-down meals.
The authors view discipline as a way for parents to bring themselves under control and to work systematically toward a goal. "Discipline should not and need not be adversarial. It is not our children's fault that they are born uncivilized, immature; that their impulses rule them or that they fall short of our expectations." The seven principles of natural discipline put forth in this book are: (1) Use connection, not separation, to bring a child into line ("collect" the child before providing instruction). (2) When problems occur, work the relationship, not the incident (one suggestion: acknowledge the negative emotion the kid is feeling now, e.g. "You're frustrated," and wait until that feeling has passed before providing instruction). (3) When things aren't working for the child, draw out the tears instead of trying to teach a lesson (firmly present the futility of the situation--e.g. "There isn't enough" or "Sally won the game"; then help turn the frustration into sadness:--e.g."This isn't what you expected"). (4) Solicit good intentions instead of demanding good behavior (collect the child and then give them a chance to do something positive--e.g. "Do you think you could give Grandma a hug now?" or "Could you carry this for me?"). (5) Draw out the mixed feelings instead of trying to stop impulsive behavior (point out to the child that although he acted on a negative impulse there were moderating impulses he could have heeded). (6) When dealing with an impulsive child, try scripting the desired behavior instead of demanding maturity (give positively worded directions like, "This is how we pet the cat" or "Now is a time to use your quiet voice"). (7) When unable to change the child, try changing the child's world (look past the problem behavior to see what the child is reacting to and consider what can be done about the trigger).
Although this is primarily a parenting book, Neufeld and Mate also write about the need for children to feel attached to their teachers. A lot of the suggestions presented in this book could apply to discipline and relationship building in the classroom. The idea that maintaining attachment is more important than correcting behaviors holds a lot of promise for romantic relationships, too.
informative
reflective
medium-paced
Must read for all parents and teachers.
informative
reflective
slow-paced
I really enjoyed the book and it’s message. The reason it gets 4 starts is because I felt it was repetitive at times and somewhat difficult to read.
emotional
informative
slow-paced
informative
informative
reflective
slow-paced