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Found in Transition: A Mother's Evolution During Her Child's Gender Change by Paria Hassouri
spiderfelt's review
2.0
Similar to the reviewer who gave this book 1⭐️, I was disappointed in the author. Writing aside, which could have been improved by some strenuous editing to remove the repetition, I found the attitudes and feelings of the author odious. She was far too concerned with preserving her version of the beautiful family she ad imagined for herself, than honoring the person standing in front of her.
nqcliteracy's review
5.0
Oh my goodness. I’m giving this five stars because I opened it up promptly upon arrival and couldn’t put it down. Because it’s truthful and intimate and resonated with me deeply. Not because I have a trans child but because I know all anyone wants is to be seen, heard, and truly themselves- and that is what Paria (who I knew growing up in Pittsburgh) writes about in this memoir. Poignant and important, it explores motherhood and what we do for our children to keep them safe and happy, always in a blanket of love. We operate with what we hope is best at any given moment with the information we have. And, we all have to be bigger advocates for others. Who knows what people are experiencing? Always choose to operate out of love, not fear. I cried and cried. It takes such bravery and boldness to unapologetically be ourselves and if we teach that to our children, we have done our jobs.
bonnie_the_book_lady's review
5.0
This book is the real deal, down and dirty, no holds barred look inside the mixed emotions of a mother learning of and eventually embracing her daughter’s transition. Dr. Paria Hassouri is a pediatrician in Los Angeles. Along with her husband, she has three children. Her middle child seemed different somehow. Signs of depression and attention getting behavior appeared at a young age and continued. Paria refreshingly revealed how taxing this was. She loved her child, yet so much energy was required. When her child who was born with male parts was fourteen, a school counselor called explaining that their child felt they were a girl, not a boy. This book details the emotional stages Paria went through. She bares her tears, anger, denial, grief, worry. I had the remarkable opportunity to participate in a small group zoom call with the author. She was so authentic and gracious. Ava, her daughter, continues to grow and thrive.
livlosiewicz's review
emotional
informative
reflective
fast-paced
4.5
Pros:
·This story is moving and engaging, and I found myself eager to return to it and learn more about Ava and Paria and their family
·I really appreciated Paria’s honesty and vulnerability in sharing some of her uglier thoughts, feelings, and reactions. I think this was a brave choice and helpful for my own reflection about how I would respond to a child or loved one who came out to me. I think this book better prepared me to be equipped to be a better ally to my future child or loved one, should they be trans. This vulnerability allows for reflection so much more than a perfect response would have
·I also learned more details about what transition entails, and the financial and emotional costs
Cons:
·I think these were part of the honesty and vulnerability, but there were a few parts of Ava’s past included that made me raise my eyebrows and wonder if Ava will always be comfortable with those there: her birth name and old pronouns included in direct quotations or thoughts (I really think this was intended to serve pro #2, but the impact is still there), the photos that Ava requested be removed from the family wall. I wonder how Ava feels about that (based on the author’s instagram, it seems like she’s fine and supports it), and how other trans people feel reading it.
·I occasionally felt like Paria’s moping/sadness/grieving was repetitive, and though that might be how it felt, didn’t add anything to the story
Recommendation: I really enjoyed and learned from this memoir and recommend to those curious about the parent perspective during a child’s transition or to those who enjoy raw and honest memoirs. Some caveats: if you’re looking for a trans story, also consider reading a trans author; be prepared for some deadnaming and misgendering- all done only in the context of the past- it worked fine for me, but I am cis and understand how it might be triggering or upsetting for others!
Content Warnings
Moderate: Deadnaming
Minor: Transphobia
marathonreader's review
emotional
informative
medium-paced
4.0
"I kept thinking, Wh doesn't anyone ever tell you this stuff? The general population aside, why did I not learn anything about this during paediatric residency I kept remembering our family room conversations, when I insisted that Ava couldn't be trans because she hadn't had signs in childhood. I had been dead wrong. My lack of knowledge had made me not listen, not believe my child" (123)
I loved Frankel's This is How it Always Is, but just based off of the back cover, I wasn't sure what identified her as being the "best" person to tell that story. I didn't know that her child was transgender. Without this knowledge, I sought a narrative from that actual "best" person, aside from Frankel. I picked up Found in Transition. So you would imagine by absolute joy when Hassouri actually references This is How it Always Is - her friend had given her a copy.
To be clear, Hassouri distinguishes between where her story starts and ends, and where her daughter's story starts. She is clear to maintain that this is her story, and not her daughter's, in the sense that she ends her narrative when her daughter gets her name legally changed. Hassouri says that she is writing this for parents whose children are going through this, and to those who may not have such experiences in hand, but just to learn more about this topic.
I teared up at so many points in this book. It is pure heart.
My favourite part is when Hassouri, who has previously said her child always sought everyone's attention, now checks in on the kids before going to bed. And she notices that Ava is sleeping in her sports bra. Hassouri writes, "You don't sleep in a sports bra in the privacy of your own room in order to get attention, I realized. You do it to feel like a woman, to be a woman" (107).
I also love how Hassouri begins to love the parts of her bodies of which women tend to be super self-conscious, because she realizes that these are qualities that Ava desires but does not yet have - things like wide hips, wide thighs, soft bodies. These are, to Ava, what it means to be a woman. Ava asks her mother if she thinks she'll develop those, and starts to exercise in attempt to develop more of an hour-glass shape. And Hassouri says, "I was grateful for my body and ashamed that tit had taken having a trans daughter to make me feel that way. I knew that I would never again be critical of my hips or frustrated by clothes that didn't fit well" (163).
This book was so vulnerable, so sensitive, so humanly beautiful.
"Dear God, if this is true, please let this not be the first thing people notice about him. My baby is brilliant and has the biggest heart in the world. Please let people see that when they see him. Please don't let them see a trans girl before they see the brilliance of his mind or the size of his heart.
"Dear God or Universe, if he is a trans girl, then please let me see him as a girl one day, not just call him by a new name and refer to him as her" (xiv)
I loved Frankel's This is How it Always Is, but just based off of the back cover, I wasn't sure what identified her as being the "best" person to tell that story. I didn't know that her child was transgender. Without this knowledge, I sought a narrative from that actual "best" person, aside from Frankel. I picked up Found in Transition. So you would imagine by absolute joy when Hassouri actually references This is How it Always Is - her friend had given her a copy.
To be clear, Hassouri distinguishes between where her story starts and ends, and where her daughter's story starts. She is clear to maintain that this is her story, and not her daughter's, in the sense that she ends her narrative when her daughter gets her name legally changed. Hassouri says that she is writing this for parents whose children are going through this, and to those who may not have such experiences in hand, but just to learn more about this topic.
I teared up at so many points in this book. It is pure heart.
My favourite part is when Hassouri, who has previously said her child always sought everyone's attention, now checks in on the kids before going to bed. And she notices that Ava is sleeping in her sports bra. Hassouri writes, "You don't sleep in a sports bra in the privacy of your own room in order to get attention, I realized. You do it to feel like a woman, to be a woman" (107).
I also love how Hassouri begins to love the parts of her bodies of which women tend to be super self-conscious, because she realizes that these are qualities that Ava desires but does not yet have - things like wide hips, wide thighs, soft bodies. These are, to Ava, what it means to be a woman. Ava asks her mother if she thinks she'll develop those, and starts to exercise in attempt to develop more of an hour-glass shape. And Hassouri says, "I was grateful for my body and ashamed that tit had taken having a trans daughter to make me feel that way. I knew that I would never again be critical of my hips or frustrated by clothes that didn't fit well" (163).
This book was so vulnerable, so sensitive, so humanly beautiful.
"Dear God, if this is true, please let this not be the first thing people notice about him. My baby is brilliant and has the biggest heart in the world. Please let people see that when they see him. Please don't let them see a trans girl before they see the brilliance of his mind or the size of his heart.
"Dear God or Universe, if he is a trans girl, then please let me see him as a girl one day, not just call him by a new name and refer to him as her" (xiv)
ameliacollins's review
5.0
I read this in one day! I think every parent should read this, regardless of whether or not their own child is genderqueer. IF your kid IS genderqueer, this is absolutely necessary. A really important memoir filled with real emotion and real thoughts, surrounding the journey of a family through realizing their daughter and sister's gender for the first time in her life. An important read.
toreytibbs's review
1.0
I don't even know where to begin with this book. I guess my deepest sentiment after reading it is that no parent of a transgender child should ever use this book to guide their view on how to support their child through coming out and transition. This seems harsh, but in the face of a book this exploitative, I don't really know how else to word it.
The author claims that she is now evolved and has learned so much about the trans community but still chose to dead name her daughter and refer to her with male pronouns throughout the entire book even though she addresses in the prologue that it is something she knows to be inappropriate and she doesn't do in her day to day life. Now I understand some may argue her daughter consented to this and I would counter by following the chronology of the book her daughter was only barely 17 (depending on where her birthday falls) when this was published so that consent is invalid, she was a child.
I will never be able to understand the desire to immortalize all of the worst thoughts you have ever had about your child and about the trans community at large, and I sincerely hope that the author understands that although she says that she has changed, she still wrote what she wrote.
Writing a book about intimate details of your child's life is always tricky and questions of consent are always present, and I worry deeply that one day her daughter may feel differently about this quantity of deeply personal information being out in the world.
This book is not a guide on how to support your child through transition, and I don't believe it is helpful for close-minded parents. It contains many outdated stereotypes and validates those thoughts in others by seeing them in print. This book is damaging to the very cause the author is trying to further, and it breaks my heart that she does not recognize that.
The author claims that she is now evolved and has learned so much about the trans community but still chose to dead name her daughter and refer to her with male pronouns throughout the entire book even though she addresses in the prologue that it is something she knows to be inappropriate and she doesn't do in her day to day life. Now I understand some may argue her daughter consented to this and I would counter by following the chronology of the book her daughter was only barely 17 (depending on where her birthday falls) when this was published so that consent is invalid, she was a child.
I will never be able to understand the desire to immortalize all of the worst thoughts you have ever had about your child and about the trans community at large, and I sincerely hope that the author understands that although she says that she has changed, she still wrote what she wrote.
Writing a book about intimate details of your child's life is always tricky and questions of consent are always present, and I worry deeply that one day her daughter may feel differently about this quantity of deeply personal information being out in the world.
This book is not a guide on how to support your child through transition, and I don't believe it is helpful for close-minded parents. It contains many outdated stereotypes and validates those thoughts in others by seeing them in print. This book is damaging to the very cause the author is trying to further, and it breaks my heart that she does not recognize that.