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4.27 AVERAGE
4.27 AVERAGE
I am so glad this book exists! I feel seen and heard. Millwood brings light to the beauty and the pain in becoming a parent. Such truth is shared about the challenges today’s mother faces while trying to juggle it all. Many of the topics addressed simply aren’t widely discussed and they need to be. I hope all of my mommy friends pick this one up, so they know they are not alone.
The forward to this book makes it pretty clear that it has a narrow audience: monogamous mothers of young children married to men who are not the primary caregivers of their young children. From there it attempts to draw some conclusions about shared experiences among this group, so I can understand the instinct to be clear about who is addressed. But as others have pointed out, there are additional assumptions that aren't explicitly mentioned: mom gave birth, mom and dad are both straight, money isn't an issue, fertility was not an issue, racism isn't affecting one or both parents in their roles, etc. I am not in the stated or implied target audience but I am the mother of an infant so I read it anyway because it was well rated and seemed well researched. If nothing else I had to read it because there were at least a few reviews where men were moaning about how the author is a misandrist and in my experience that indicates a text is probably doing something interesting.
There is a lot of good here. I found some of the anecdotes from the author’s clients to be distressing but also validating in the ring of truth they have to people I know and sometimes myself. The author also blended some memoir and personal revelations in there to good effect (if you enjoy this kind of thing like I do, you might really like “Maybe You Should Talk to Someone,” which is to my read the height of this possibilities of this blend). I can imagine for women in the audience I mentioned that the validation about how in patriarchal culture parenthood is a major site of gender emergence and enforcement would be affirming. The value here is in saying very plainly things that our culture prefers to keep hidden: the deep and seismic life change of motherhood is very often a pretty bad time that is really hard on women and the marriages they once knew. And I found it resonant even as someone who for a variety of reasons has had a more nuanced experience. I thought the author was right to try to consider a couple as a whole and her insights about how postpartum mood disorders are hardly a personal problem but rather a whole family system problem were a refreshing point of view I have not seen elsewhere.
There was a surprising thread focused on mindfulness that I enjoyed. If I took one thing I liked from this book it is that expectations are the root of so much suffering in motherhood in part because my generation spends so much time listening to Instagram experts and parenting books instead of our own inner knowing with some support from say, a trusted elder and a pediatrician and let me tell you, this way lies hell. You don’t need to be perfect. You don’t need to be an expert on every stage of child development. What we expect from ourselves with basically no cultural or social support structures as our grandmothers knew them is wild as hell and it’s impossible. Enough! I also enjoyed the discussion of guilt and how it is experienced through the lens of gender.
There were some very moving and beautiful portions at the close of the book about how motherhood not only destabilizes marriages and a sense of self but also expands the same in ways that are probably only apparent with some distance. I found this very touching. The author is at her best when showing vulnerability.
So why didn’t I love it? Well, it wasn't written for my life situation, and that's okay. I still found a lot to appreciate. However, there were a couple problems I had with the book that felt more serious than "this doesn't apply to me."
First, there was an infuriating chapter on birth that was poorly researched and used the Business of Being Born as a completely serious footnote. Yikes! Skip it no matter who you are but definitely if you had a traumatic birth. The author wants to treat this audience with care, but falls far short of writing about this painful subject with an objective and kind point of view. I think she puts too much emphasis on physiologic birth because this was her experience. She is correct, however, in pointing out how the memory of birth lives on for the birthing person long, long after the day passes, and that there is little attention to the importance of telling the birth story as a means of emotional healing. For a better researched resource on this subject (obstetric violence, etc), seek out Evidence Based Birth (an org with classes, a podcast, etc) or the book “Babies Aren’t Pizzas.” The medicalization of birth may be a problem, but the cult of zero-intervention birth is hardly better from where I'm sitting. Most of us live in the vast universe between Ina May Gaskin and elective belly birth and you will not find help with processing how your attempts to find that middle ground may have foundered through no fault of your own here.
Finally, I felt uncomfortable at times with the author’s way of writing about her subjective experiences of others, probably most particularly one of her children. She anticipates my discomfort and tries to address it, but it didn’t land for me. Some of her ways of seeing her clients felt similar. The bottom line is that she shared anecdotes from which I seemed to draw very different conclusions than the narrative of the book (about the motives, needs, etc of those involved). I did enjoy that, though, because it gave me a chance to ask myself honestly why I didn’t like how something was framed. I felt that was a worthy pursuit and helped me integrate my own ideas.
There is a lot of good here. I found some of the anecdotes from the author’s clients to be distressing but also validating in the ring of truth they have to people I know and sometimes myself. The author also blended some memoir and personal revelations in there to good effect (if you enjoy this kind of thing like I do, you might really like “Maybe You Should Talk to Someone,” which is to my read the height of this possibilities of this blend). I can imagine for women in the audience I mentioned that the validation about how in patriarchal culture parenthood is a major site of gender emergence and enforcement would be affirming. The value here is in saying very plainly things that our culture prefers to keep hidden: the deep and seismic life change of motherhood is very often a pretty bad time that is really hard on women and the marriages they once knew. And I found it resonant even as someone who for a variety of reasons has had a more nuanced experience. I thought the author was right to try to consider a couple as a whole and her insights about how postpartum mood disorders are hardly a personal problem but rather a whole family system problem were a refreshing point of view I have not seen elsewhere.
There was a surprising thread focused on mindfulness that I enjoyed. If I took one thing I liked from this book it is that expectations are the root of so much suffering in motherhood in part because my generation spends so much time listening to Instagram experts and parenting books instead of our own inner knowing with some support from say, a trusted elder and a pediatrician and let me tell you, this way lies hell. You don’t need to be perfect. You don’t need to be an expert on every stage of child development. What we expect from ourselves with basically no cultural or social support structures as our grandmothers knew them is wild as hell and it’s impossible. Enough! I also enjoyed the discussion of guilt and how it is experienced through the lens of gender.
There were some very moving and beautiful portions at the close of the book about how motherhood not only destabilizes marriages and a sense of self but also expands the same in ways that are probably only apparent with some distance. I found this very touching. The author is at her best when showing vulnerability.
So why didn’t I love it? Well, it wasn't written for my life situation, and that's okay. I still found a lot to appreciate. However, there were a couple problems I had with the book that felt more serious than "this doesn't apply to me."
First, there was an infuriating chapter on birth that was poorly researched and used the Business of Being Born as a completely serious footnote. Yikes! Skip it no matter who you are but definitely if you had a traumatic birth. The author wants to treat this audience with care, but falls far short of writing about this painful subject with an objective and kind point of view. I think she puts too much emphasis on physiologic birth because this was her experience. She is correct, however, in pointing out how the memory of birth lives on for the birthing person long, long after the day passes, and that there is little attention to the importance of telling the birth story as a means of emotional healing. For a better researched resource on this subject (obstetric violence, etc), seek out Evidence Based Birth (an org with classes, a podcast, etc) or the book “Babies Aren’t Pizzas.” The medicalization of birth may be a problem, but the cult of zero-intervention birth is hardly better from where I'm sitting. Most of us live in the vast universe between Ina May Gaskin and elective belly birth and you will not find help with processing how your attempts to find that middle ground may have foundered through no fault of your own here.
Finally, I felt uncomfortable at times with the author’s way of writing about her subjective experiences of others, probably most particularly one of her children. She anticipates my discomfort and tries to address it, but it didn’t land for me. Some of her ways of seeing her clients felt similar. The bottom line is that she shared anecdotes from which I seemed to draw very different conclusions than the narrative of the book (about the motives, needs, etc of those involved). I did enjoy that, though, because it gave me a chance to ask myself honestly why I didn’t like how something was framed. I felt that was a worthy pursuit and helped me integrate my own ideas.
informative
This one took longer for me to read than most books, but I wanted to savor every word she wrote. While written for mothers, fathers would also benefit by being able to see their partner feels (author notes this book is primary applicable to cis-het couples). The author put so many of my feelings and thoughts into words that I was unable to. My kindle is full of highlights & it’ll be nice to go back & read them.
Only deducted a half star because how some stories/chapters were organized.
Only deducted a half star because how some stories/chapters were organized.
Completely relatable and incredibly validating. Would recommend to any mother of babies or young children
I’ll be honest, that as I am about to have my first child this book slightly terrified me, and at the same time I greatly appreciate the honesty! It’s necessary and great to know we are not alone in the struggles that comes with motherhood. I think this will give me a good base to work from as my husband and I navigate new parenthood together.
emotional
informative
inspiring
reflective
medium-paced
Beautifully written. The topics that are discussed made me feel like I was not alone in my struggles. I really needed this book two years ago. I will definitely be recommending to my married peers.
emotional
inspiring
reflective
medium-paced
Never too late to read. But definitely wished I read it before embarking on motherhood. It might have helped with the transition.
informative
fast-paced