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4.27 AVERAGE
4.27 AVERAGE
This book was very cathartic for me, and I found myself nodding along and pausing to consider my own journey into motherhood. There were some moments throughout where I disagreed or felt like she was leaning too hard on scary statistics and studies, and I started second guessing whether I should recommend it to new moms, but by the end I felt there was a good balance of the hard truths and beautiful realities of motherhood.
Her mission is to disillusion women about the myths around motherhood. Some examples include: babies are just hard at first and then things get easier, that you and your partner can split parental duties 50/50, that your baby will bring you and your spouse closer together, that watching children all day is a joy and not at all boring… the list goes on.
The information and kind of stories shared in the book were not shared with me when I became a new mom. I quickly discovered my misconceptions and stumbled through as we do. My husband and I are pretty good at communicating with each other about issues, but with many of these issues around motherhood I found that I didn’t have the words. Most of the time I only half said my feelings or misplaced the cause of the problem. I remember saying, “I know I’m not depressed but I think I feel depressed,” which sounds ridiculous but I didn’t want to get anywhere near sounding like I had PPD, which was the only reason I was given for why a new mom wouldn’t feel fulfilled or comfortable in her role. Now it seems a lot more clear to me. It was important for me to hear in this book that it is normal and expected to grieve the loss of your past self and to feel consumed by the role of mother. Grieving was not something I was given “permission” to do as a new mom, but it’s what I needed to acknowledge was there under the surface.
I believe I could have benefited in those early years by going into motherhood with open eyes and being able to recognize all those feelings as they popped up - not as reflections of my failings - but as a natural progression into motherhood. And even now that I’m not in those early stages of motherhood, the perspectives given to me in this book are helping me embrace the complexities that comes with being a mother, rather than fearing that the negative feelings will cancel out all the beautiful parts of my marriage and children if I acknowledge them or give them license.
In the conclusion of the book, the author nicely summarizes the benefit of looking the realities of motherhood straight in the face, saying, “Striving for some unattainable fantasy version of ourselves, our children, or our relationships only brings heartache. It blinds us to the value and beauty in what already is, because we are too caught up in shame or resentment or self-improvement crusades to take in whatever the present moment may be offering. Contentment comes when we embrace, rather than deny or distort or resist or conceal or judge, all of what comes up in the endlessly complicated world of mothering.” I feel like I understand myself and my experience as a woman and a mother more clearly now, and I’m very glad I took the time to read this book.
Her mission is to disillusion women about the myths around motherhood. Some examples include: babies are just hard at first and then things get easier, that you and your partner can split parental duties 50/50, that your baby will bring you and your spouse closer together, that watching children all day is a joy and not at all boring… the list goes on.
The information and kind of stories shared in the book were not shared with me when I became a new mom. I quickly discovered my misconceptions and stumbled through as we do. My husband and I are pretty good at communicating with each other about issues, but with many of these issues around motherhood I found that I didn’t have the words. Most of the time I only half said my feelings or misplaced the cause of the problem. I remember saying, “I know I’m not depressed but I think I feel depressed,” which sounds ridiculous but I didn’t want to get anywhere near sounding like I had PPD, which was the only reason I was given for why a new mom wouldn’t feel fulfilled or comfortable in her role. Now it seems a lot more clear to me. It was important for me to hear in this book that it is normal and expected to grieve the loss of your past self and to feel consumed by the role of mother. Grieving was not something I was given “permission” to do as a new mom, but it’s what I needed to acknowledge was there under the surface.
I believe I could have benefited in those early years by going into motherhood with open eyes and being able to recognize all those feelings as they popped up - not as reflections of my failings - but as a natural progression into motherhood. And even now that I’m not in those early stages of motherhood, the perspectives given to me in this book are helping me embrace the complexities that comes with being a mother, rather than fearing that the negative feelings will cancel out all the beautiful parts of my marriage and children if I acknowledge them or give them license.
In the conclusion of the book, the author nicely summarizes the benefit of looking the realities of motherhood straight in the face, saying, “Striving for some unattainable fantasy version of ourselves, our children, or our relationships only brings heartache. It blinds us to the value and beauty in what already is, because we are too caught up in shame or resentment or self-improvement crusades to take in whatever the present moment may be offering. Contentment comes when we embrace, rather than deny or distort or resist or conceal or judge, all of what comes up in the endlessly complicated world of mothering.” I feel like I understand myself and my experience as a woman and a mother more clearly now, and I’m very glad I took the time to read this book.
hopeful
informative
reflective
medium-paced
This book was so validating and needed. So many quotes touched me and made me feel less alone and I'd recommend it to anyone who sometimes feels like they're the only one feeling unmoored by new motherhood (aka, probably most of us). There was one chapter on relationship dynamics that was like a lightbulb moment for me, too. AND the author uses a lot of actual evidence-based research (a must for me in "self-help" books). See some of the highlights I shared for a sneak peek!
A few disclaimers:
- I don't personally think you should read this before having kids, which seems to be why it was written, and definitely not while you're pregnant. I think the ideal time to read this book would be around 4-6 months postpartum after having your first baby but it will remain beneficial no matter when you read it after becoming a mother. OR read it if you want to understand your female friends with kids better. ;)
- The author is very open about this book being for mothers who are in heterosexual relationships. I can't really say how necessary that is but there is a lot about the specific dynamic between mothers and fathers. There's so much in here that would be validating to any mother but if you're not in a relationship with a man, you'd have to wade through a lot of the book that might not apply to you.
- There's also a chapter on labor that I don't love. Even as someone who supports (and had) unmedicated birth, I don't think it's realistic or responsible to say that's the "right" way to give birth and I thought as a society we had kind of moved past that.
A few disclaimers:
- I don't personally think you should read this before having kids, which seems to be why it was written, and definitely not while you're pregnant. I think the ideal time to read this book would be around 4-6 months postpartum after having your first baby but it will remain beneficial no matter when you read it after becoming a mother. OR read it if you want to understand your female friends with kids better. ;)
- The author is very open about this book being for mothers who are in heterosexual relationships. I can't really say how necessary that is but there is a lot about the specific dynamic between mothers and fathers. There's so much in here that would be validating to any mother but if you're not in a relationship with a man, you'd have to wade through a lot of the book that might not apply to you.
- There's also a chapter on labor that I don't love. Even as someone who supports (and had) unmedicated birth, I don't think it's realistic or responsible to say that's the "right" way to give birth and I thought as a society we had kind of moved past that.
informative
inspiring
reflective
medium-paced
She shared some views I disagree with (for example the cry it out method with babies) however she didn't really disclose whether she agreed with this method or not. Other than this this was a great book to reflect on motherhood, my own experience and those of others.
emotional
inspiring
reflective
slow-paced
emotional
hopeful
inspiring
reflective
slow-paced
challenging
emotional
hopeful
inspiring
reflective
sad
tense
slow-paced
challenging
emotional
informative
reflective
medium-paced
“Our children show us what we like least about ourselves.” At least that has been much of my recent experience of motherhood. I’m so glad this book exists. Would I recommend it to a pregnant woman? Absolutely not (unless maybe she’s on the fence about having kids). The truth is there are a lot of us out there who have struggled to find our footing in motherhood and I think this book has some wonderful insight into what that feels like. I felt incredibly seen and understood after reading Millwood’s words. This book is for any parent who feels constantly confused by their messy emotions. If you’re tired, resentful, anxious, or feel stuck in fight or flight mode, please pick up this book. I promise you’ll feel less alone. This book is not light and fluffy but it will help you sit with some uncomfortable feelings.
Content Warnings
Moderate: Mental illness, Panic attacks/disorders, Grief
I really liked and thoroughly appreciated a lot of this book. She has some fantastic and eye opening points. The only part I wasn't crazy about was her lecture on gender roles in a marriage. Maybe at another time in my life would I care about this but right now it didn't do anything for me. Thankfully that part wasn't a huge part of this book. It's well worth the read as a new mom, in pregnancy or even if you're thinking of starting your family.
I enjoyed this book. It definitely hit home with some experiences and what I had felt when my child was young. I highly recommend.
Would have DNF’d this way early if it wasn’t mandatory for book club.