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rbogue's review against another edition
4.0
I don’t know anyone who has ever lived that has described relationships as easy. Rewarding, absolutely. However, I don’t know anyone who has said that relationships – good relationships – are easy. Relationships are necessarily difficult, messy, dynamic – and worth it. When you look at John Gottman’s work, you see a body of knowledge that pierces the veil of complexity in relationships and lays out the key factors that lead to good and lasting friendships and marriages. While there is some hyperbole in The Relationship Cure: A 5 Step Guide to Strengthening Your Marriage, Family, and Friendships, the core of what is being said is useful to anyone who struggles with how to make their relationships better. That is, everyone.
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obryana's review against another edition
2.0
The content is mind-numbingly obvious and I didn't love the occasionally gendered language and stereotyping, but it might be useful for some readers?
composed's review
3.0
Some useful stuff. I've read a lot of mindfulness stuff but this is one of the first things that has "clicked" in terms of really paying attention to people. I don't mind too much when people are looking at their phones when we're spending time together, for example, but since it does bother others I'm really trying not to do it. There was a decent amount about kids that didn't apply to me. Overall helpful, though I found myself zoning out sometimes, and a lot of the examples were boring. I wish there was more research in it. I listened to the audiobook and it said it was abridged at the end, so I'm not sure what I missed!
amina43080's review
4.0
This book deserves a first pass on your own, to help understand yourself and your role in your relationships. It then deserves a second pass, this time with a partner, to understand their role and point of view in the relationship. However, going through the book with a partner will require that they turn towards you and be open to your bid to communicate and enhance your relationship. As you are only 50% of any relationship, you need the other person to be open and engaged to ‘cure’ the relationship, or simply to educate themselves on the intricacies of a particular and the relationship they share.
I particularly was drawn to the portion of this book that spoke to bids and emphasized turning toward a bid, even if the bid is perceived as negative. I appreciated the concept of turning towards and recognized in myself how I have been impacted when others turn away and vice versa. I thought it was really important to look at your emotional heritage and how that impacts your relationships. I also responded positively to the concept of ritualizing the opportunities for connection.
I particularly was drawn to the portion of this book that spoke to bids and emphasized turning toward a bid, even if the bid is perceived as negative. I appreciated the concept of turning towards and recognized in myself how I have been impacted when others turn away and vice versa. I thought it was really important to look at your emotional heritage and how that impacts your relationships. I also responded positively to the concept of ritualizing the opportunities for connection.
emmishnation's review
5.0
bids for attention underlie every interaction! will you turn towards, against, or away? relates to improv "offers"
nimishg's review
3.0
I thought this book's central idea was/is life-changing, but the delivery was so-so.
Basically, the idea is that we're continuously making 'bids for connection' with others. This could be questions, words, actions, literally anything where we're, in part, saying "connect with me".
When we get such a bid, we can accept it, reject it, or ignore it. Accepting makes the relationship stronger and happier. Rejecting makes the relationship worse, but still leaves it emotionally engaged. Ignoring makes the relationship worse and less emotionally engaged.
Sometimes we get a bid for connection that's attached to something irrelevant (eg "Do you like the cookies I made?" yes-> you accept me, no -> you reject me). In that scenario, we can say "I accept you but reject the thing" (eg "I don't want the cookies, but you're great")
Understanding that people are basically doing this all the time and learning how to navigate it has changed the way I interact with people... but, again, the book itself is just kinda so-so, hence the low-ish rating.
Oh, and most importantly, this isn't just some author's pet theory. Everything in here is backed by inordinate amounts of science and even math and game theory. I've gone through some more of Gottman's books and the foundations are incredibly thorough.
Basically, the idea is that we're continuously making 'bids for connection' with others. This could be questions, words, actions, literally anything where we're, in part, saying "connect with me".
When we get such a bid, we can accept it, reject it, or ignore it. Accepting makes the relationship stronger and happier. Rejecting makes the relationship worse, but still leaves it emotionally engaged. Ignoring makes the relationship worse and less emotionally engaged.
Sometimes we get a bid for connection that's attached to something irrelevant (eg "Do you like the cookies I made?" yes-> you accept me, no -> you reject me). In that scenario, we can say "I accept you but reject the thing" (eg "I don't want the cookies, but you're great")
Understanding that people are basically doing this all the time and learning how to navigate it has changed the way I interact with people... but, again, the book itself is just kinda so-so, hence the low-ish rating.
Oh, and most importantly, this isn't just some author's pet theory. Everything in here is backed by inordinate amounts of science and even math and game theory. I've gone through some more of Gottman's books and the foundations are incredibly thorough.